Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

How have YOU dealt with grief?

Ally T

Ally T

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
9,084
sad :(( I know as a community on PS, we deal a lot with loss. It is gut wrenching & we, as a supportive community, make the right noises, the right sounds, and offer support with huge hearts to others.

Two weeks ago today, one of my oldest & best friends died. It was sudden, unexpected & shocking. He had just turned 45 & was alone in his house. He wasn't married - I was as close as he got to that goal in our twenties.

I have loved this boy since I was 9 years old. He was my older brothers best friend & he grew up in our home. My brother broke the news to me the morning after the event. He is utterly destroyed & we have hugged & cried a lot over the last two weeks. My poor husband has been amazing & comforting & supportive, all the while knowing that my devastation is about another man.

The Coroner has failed so far to find a cause of death. I know he was found in the shower, eight hours after not turning up for work that day, with his apartment cloaked in steam. Super sudden. But more tests are time consuming & he has all the samples he needs. The "body" has been released for burial. :cry2:

I am struggling to process this. I have had to attend two family parties over the last two weeks, where my brother & I have openly sobbed all over each other. The funeral is this coming Friday & I am going to completely crumble. I know this isn't about me, it is about him & his family, but do any of you have any tips on getting through a close friends funeral? I have had flowers delivered, friends drop by, lots of attention etc, but to me it is mis-placed. This is not for me. This is about him. What a positive, happy, energetic soul he was. I loved that I slagged people off & he countered it with positivity & laughter. My bad day was an endless source of amusement to him. He was the most happy person I ever met.

Today is my lovely husbands Birthday. We have had a fantastic day & there is not one ounce of me that regrets the choice I made, We are celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary in September. I adore him. But now I am devastated over my friend & the future we always discussed but never achieved, for one reason or other. I have had people posting pictures of he & I together over the years on Facebook. I am raw. How am I supposed to handle this shit??!
 
Alex, I'm so sorry about the passing of your friend. Grief is a process and is very personal and it's totally normal to have some old feelings or memories creep up. I don't think there is anything that helps apart from just taking time and being kind to yourself so you can work through it.

I personally haven't lost a friend but I have lost both my parents before the age of 35, the pain can be overwhelming when you are first going through it. I found just talking about things helpful, talk about the memories, about your feelings even if you repeat the same things over and over.

My deepest condolences.
 
Thank you Stephanie. It feels utterly bizarre & unreal. I lost my father too when I was young, he was 58 & I was 27, so I can feel that vile, raw, outpouring that you mention.

Thankfully my beautiful mother is still with me & about to move house. Exciting times! The family home was ours from when I was 8 years old (I am now 43) so although it's the end of an era, I am happy for mum to embark on a new chapter of her life. One where she doesn't have an eight bedroom house to maintain!
 
Alex - I'm very sorry for your loss. Some time ago I lost my best friend who, as in your case, was also a former boyfriend, someone I first dated 35 years ago. He too died unexpectedly - he was 13 years older than me but in such good shape that I was sure he would outlive me. In his case also there was no clear-cut cause of death. In my case his death came a few months after my brother's death and a year and a half after my mother's death.

It sounds to me like you are dealing with his death. You're remembering your friend and the good times you had together, thinking about the choices you made that affected both of your lives, reaching out to others who loved him.

The only thing I'd take issue with is your statement that "this isn't about me, it's about him." YOU are hurting too, and your friends are right to reach out to express their condolences for YOUR loss and YOUR sorrow. There is no shame in feeling the loss or the sorrow. Acknowledging it does not diminish the memory of your friend. Your sorrow is an expression of the love you had for him and of his place in your life. I realize this sounds awful and self-indulgent, but in a way your sorrow is something to embrace because it speaks to the special place you had in each other's lives.

I don't know of any tricks for diminishing that overwhelming grief. It will be a part of your life for a while, and it will gradually diminish over time - not all at once, and not necessarily in a linear fashion. There will be triggers that bring the grief on anew and days when it'll feel like you haven't made any progress in processing it, and there will be days when you realize that things are starting to feel more like normal. There will come a time when the loss isn't the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning, and even a time when you'll be falling asleep and realize that you hadn't thought of it all day. There may even be a time when you'll be able to think and talk of your friend without feeling sorrow. And there will come a time when the gratitude you feel for having had him in your life will overwhelm the sorrow you now feel for your loss and his.

As for me, I've always used journalling when things got tough, and I did a fair amount of writing when I was grieving. I reached out to my ex's family and vice versa, which helped. I also had what amounted to my own personal farewell/closure ceremony at some point after the big memorial, when I spent a day at a spot that was special from our time as a couple. I went by myself, and spent time "talking" to and about him (in my head and in the car!). I even had a chance to laugh when faced with a situation (cows in the road!) that he would have loved - I think it might have been the first real laugh since his death - but the tears flowed freely that day too. I brought a rose to leave behind. It wasn't the end of the grieving by any means, but I think it helped.

Please accept my hugs from afar.
 
Last edited:
Alex I am so sorry for the loss of your dear and special friend.
I wish I had something comforting and wise to tell you.
Loss and grief of this magnitude is the most challenging journey we can take in this life. Tears flow freely as to remind us that we loved deeply.
Cling to your brother as both of your hearts are broken. Your husband sounds like a lovely and understanding partner. Cling to him too. This must be very difficult for him too.
All the best and Peace be with you Alex.
 
Last edited:
I'm so very sorry for your loss. The sudden death of someone you care for not only brings about grief, but also shock. We don't expect relatively young people to die, it's not the order of things.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with it, we are all different and deal and cope with grief in our own way. My best friend died aged 23, she had emigrated to NZ just after marrying, and was so happy. She had a massive asthma attack, which caused a heart attack, and died alone. I just couldn't believe that she had died, especially alone. I found the memorial service here (her funeral was in NZ) to be the point when I finally felt it was real, and I wouldn't ever see or speak to her again.

Talking about her with other friends, remembering good times we'd had, all helped. Even now all these years later, I wonder what she'd look like, whether she'd have had children, what they'd be doing. My heart doesn't break anymore to think about the life not lived.

Scream, cry, shout, whatever you need to do, you will find a way to get through the loss. Lean on those wanting to support you.
 
Alex I'm very sorry for your loss. And its not just him, but you too. Every person that leaves is a person that leaves a hole in our lives. As you were close to him it will take you some time. You have to get through the year of firsts.

The pain does ease after a time but never completely goes away. There are times you'll catch yourself thinking of him and laughing and crying (sometimes at the same time) go with it, allow yourself to grieve your friend and the loss of him. Allow yourself to cry because sometimes its to make YOU feel better. Its a process that will not be the same with everyone in our lives but is something we all generally will go through. Don't feel weird if you do need counseling. A little help to make it through is not a bad thing.

Hugs and love to you and please feel free to talk about him here.
 
I'm very sorry to read this. So much loss has happened on PS. Good stuff too, but really difficult stuff that reminds us that any day could be the last day.

I wrote about it on here but three years ago my friend and her teenaged daughter were murdered in their home. It was sudden and shocking and completely devastating. The only thing I could really do was kept their memory alive. I attended a very emotional memorial service. I keep a photo in my home and light a candle near it on the rough days. I spoke to a counselor. I tried not to think too hard about the way they died, because while it does matter somewhat, it won't change anything and sometimes knowing too much isn't a good or productive thing (mentally, emotionally).

The number one thing I kept thinking was "I wish this didn't happen, this feels like a bad dream." Gradually that turned into very real and very beautiful memories.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss!

If nothing else, opening up with your brother and here are good avenues of expressing and dealing with grief. Whatever means you find is a good one, I think, because it means you're not avoiding your feelings. Grief is raw and exhausting and enraging and draining, but the worst thing you can do is try to sidestep it; it will always find you, and the longer you avoid it, the stronger it becomes.

My father died when I was a teen, and due to unhealthy family dynamics, I became the emotional "adult" in the house who took care of everyone else and bottled up my grief. I thought I was doing well, but I dealt with myriad emotional and physical repercussions of all that suppression for years.

Unload here, talk to your brother, remember your friend, talk aloud to him, and practice self-care. Wishing you peace <3
 
This is about you.

If you could possibly make momories feel happy again - perhaps not tomorrow, but soon - those are about whom you remember, of course.

@Hayley87 said it.
 
Thank you all. To those who have also lost precious people, hugs to you too.

Thankfully my friend lived in London & wasn't a part of my daily life, so getting on with things has been ok. (Apart from the Monday I was in work (found out on the Saturday morning) & I burst out sobbing in front of a load of students & promptly got sent home) so in a way I am finding daily activities ok & I have my beautiful girls to keep me busy. We are all now on summer holiday for 6 weeks, so fun is the order of the day.

But parties, weddings, ANY gathering where family & friends will be are never going to be the same again. Even just getting through his funeral is already filling me with dread & fear & tears. But as some of you said, it is because he was so beautiful, such a good soul, so positive, so cheeky, so handsome, that makes everything so hard. He was the only person I know who just by seeing him, no matter how often or infrequent, he reacted like you'd just made his day :love: Yes, he was a very special person & touched a lot of lives.

Thanks for listening to me. You are all fabulous x
 
Alex, I am so sorry. Grief is a heavy load and one that there is no fix for not even time. There is no magic fix (if only we could bring back all our loved ones) but as time marches on the load lightens. However as others mentioned grief tends to come in waves and with time that lessens a bit too. Each loss of a dear loved one cuts the heart with a wound that never completely heals though you hold the loved one in your heart with you the pain is always there at least to some degree. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it helps mend the hole in the heart enough to go on and be happy despite the sadness and loss we experience throughout life.

Every person deals with loss differently but for many talking about it with other loved ones helps one process the loss and feelings of grief and allows happiness to come back into one's life. Because no matter the loss in order to go on and live a happy life (as your dear friend would of course want and implore you to do in fact) one must experience and process the grief to let the light and happiness into your life again independent of missing and mourning your friend.

All this takes time however and that time schedule is unique for each person. And no one should rush you through that process of mourning and grieving and even as you experience it know it will never be completely over but you will get to the point where you feel joy and happiness again. But take your time and do it on your time schedule. Your loved ones will understand.

Sending you many gentle hugs and healing vibes. I am so sorry for your loss.
 
I've lost my father, mother and brother as well as a couple of friends. I've talked about some of it here before. How did I deal? Like anyone else I think. It is my way to let it all hang out, so I certainly didn't keep my emotions or reactions inside or quietly (at times). I felt that letting it all out physically and emotionally helped me move on at a regular pace, if there is such a thing. Everything is relative. There is no right and wrong in dealing with grief, unless it becomes very prolonged. I have sought therapy since early on, and that helps me in general. I have a neutral person to fall back on whenever needed. Hope that helps. Take care.
 
I am sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom. Grief takes time to process and each person has their own special way of processing grief. My deepest sympathy. Take care.
 
I'm so sorry you are going thru this heartache Alex. I wish I had something helpful to add that hasn't already been said above. It's going to take sometime time sweetheart. Be kind to yourself and I really think you have the best healers, your two beautiful daughters. Children have a way of brightening even the darkest of days. Hugs
 
Thank you all, and thank you Callie. I am currently watching my daughters make their own sandals to take to Cyprus on Sunday, just so that they have "many different options" to the 4 pairs they actually have each. Coloured cardboard, sellotape & string :lol-2:

It is now Monday morning & Friday is looming. I am not crying & trying to be happy & jolly around the children. They are going to help me do some gardening today & tomorrow we are off to the Museum. I feel far less raw than I did a week ago. My eldest, a very wise 8 year old, apparently crawled on her daddy's knee on Saturday evening & said "I am sad for mummy. She keeps crying & looks so sad. I don't like it." So although I need to grieve, i have to make it the right time. I really must be cheery when I am wiith them. So we are being super busy & having fun (& eating cake!).

My friend from across the field is having them for the day on Friday at her farm, so they are looking forward to that as there's always fun & mischief to be had & horses to ride. I shall drop them off cheery & ensure I am composed & cheery when I get back. We don't realise how deeply children are affected by our behaviour, and tears for me are SO out of character. I am the happy, silly, positive one & for their sake, normal Mum service must resume.

And then I am on that plane on Sunday & away from all of this for 3 beautiful weeks, where I shall not wear shoes, live in a bikini, eat olives & drink wine with dinner every single night.
 
Alex T said:
... Cyprus ... for 3 beautiful weeks, where I shall not wear shoes, live in a bikini, eat olives & drink wine with dinner every single night.
Click to expand...

On such ocasions, we lot use to spill a drop of wine in memoriam ... It must work, since the people I am not sharing wine with - the ones alive but not there, do feel relatively more remote.

Nice to hear you will be enjoying this part of the world ! (LCA - GRX)
 
valeria101 said:
On such ocasions, we lot use to spill a drop of wine in memoriam ... It must work, since the people I am not sharing wine with - the ones alive but not there, do feel relatively more remote.

Nice to hear you will be enjoying this part of the world ! (LCA - GRX)
Click to expand...

I love this idea of the wine! I shall definitely spill a drop for him. Are you in Cyprus?
 
Lucky lady! Make sure you send some good sunshine my way for the next few weeks! ( I hope you still wear beautiful jewels in the heat though? I don't - it gets left behind save for some plain silver ear studs. Getting sun lotion on my diamonds offends my OCD jewellery cleaning tendencies :D )
 
I'm sorry your ex died.

I wouldn't let your husband see you grieving so intensely for another man. Things you do today in your marriage can come back to haunt you tomorrow.
 
I have been around enough to count as an expat - at least half way.

My jewelry habits have slacked to hardly anything ...
 
I am a "delayed grief" person. I find loss so overwhelming that I can only let it in a little at a time on my timetable. This causes people around me to "pressure" me in to grieving now, dammit! They don't realize what they are doing.

With my dad, I saw him declining from cancer and the treatments. My sibllings lived across the country. So I was able to pre grieve while their grief hit them like a ton of bricks. (I saw him two days before he died. He was actually cancer free so while not unexpected, his death was a surprise-- he had an aggressive cancer that recurred often).

They put a lot of pressure on me to grieve how they wanted me to. If this ever happens again, I will use my words to tell them to back off and that my grief journey is my own.

I am sorry you lost your friend.
 
I'm so sorry Alex. I think the unexpectedness at a young age makes the loss so much harder to deal with. I hope they are able to figure out what
happened so that you might have a little bit of closure. Doesnt really change things but its another piece of the puzzle that keeps the mind occupied
wondering "why?". I hope with time you are able to smile and laugh at the good memories that you share with him. For me, crying (a lot), going
through the stages of grief, and time are the things that help to lighten the pain. It is a journey...it can be rough but the passing of time usually
eases my pain.
 
Jambalaya said:
I'm sorry your ex died.

I wouldn't let your husband see you grieving so intensely for another man. Things you do today in your marriage can come back to haunt you tomorrow.
Click to expand...

Wow, Jambalaya, this feels harsh. My friend was more of a friend than an ex, which is really besides the point. He has been a very supportive constant since I was 9 years old. He came to my wedding. I think my husband would think I was weird if I wasn't grieving at the moment. My husband will be attending the funeral with me, my family & all of our friends on Friday. I don't think ANY of this will come back to haunt me in the future of my marriage? He has been fantastic since this happened & he fully understands. He has also been amazingly supportive to my brother, who has just lost his wing man.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top