How does your DH feel about having children?

[Independent Gal]

Sorry for the threadjack, but it''s funny what Sumbride says about needing an SUV to haul all your kids to school. Where I grew up, you put your little shoes and your little coat on, grabbed your little bag, kissed mommy and daddy goodbye, and walked to school. I walked to school, by myself or with my brother, from the second grade. Everyone did. The neighbourhood was full of little kids walking to and from school on their own. Nobody''s mom dropped them off in an SUV or any other kind of car. In fact, I don''t recall anybody''s mom even WALKING their kid to school after 1st grade.

Maybe this is just because I lived centrally in a city, instead of in a suburb, where the distances were farther? it was about half a mile to my school. Although I feel like people don''t let their 7 year olds go out on their own in the United States at all. That''s so sad.

I wonder what kind of effect that has on independence and adventurousness. I wonder if I''d be traipsing off to Peru on my own, and I wonder if I''d be so athletic if walking to school every day wasn''t part of my life growing up, from an early age.

 

[sumbride]

I don''t think it''s actually legal to let your 7 year old go out on their own (far, anyway) in the US. They''re not technically allowed to stay home alone until 16 in Maryland. Blows my mind, as I was a latch-key child. I don''t agree with it (completely) but it''s a very litigious society... I live in the city, so if I had kids, they could walk to school, but I wouldn''t let them go on their own, at least not until they were 10 or so. It''s about 8 blocks away and it''s not a safe city.

 

[Independent Gal]

See? I''ve become one of those crotchety folks who says "In my day it was like THIS and we LIKED it, damnit!" Oh dear.

Guess I should have another cup of coffee before I go back to work.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 3/1/2008 9:23:41 AM
Author: Independent Gal
See? I''ve become one of those crotchety folks who says ''In my day it was like THIS and we LIKED it, damnit!'' Oh dear.

Guess I should have another cup of coffee before I go back to work.

Haha... I was about to agree with your post about walking (I walked to school or bussed by myself from the time I was 8. Single-parent mom, no car to drive anyways!) but then I read sumbride''s response and yours and cracked up! I too am crotchety at times, especially about all the "spolied" kids out there whos moms make them lunch every day, and (gasp) drive them to school, and bought them cars at 16. But I have a feeling I might to exactly those things for my kids cuz I would have liked it when I was a kid! haha

Sha I''m glad you felt a little better from people''s stories. I realized reading them that my mom is also a positive story for you. She was adamantly against having kids or getting married (never did get married actually, just had bfs). She just saw such a horrid model of marriage from my grandparents growing up. Then she missed her period and thought she might be preggers. Back in that time you had to go to the doctor and get tested, and when she went to get the results, they said, "Well you aren''t pregnant!" She left and as she was walking down the hall she felt a little sad about not being pregnant. As soon as she felt that way, the nurse came running down the hall, "Wait, wait, we made a mistake!" She was pregnant, with me. She thinks it was cosmically planned that she have me. I was her only child and she was a wonderful and loving mother, despite her aversion to having kids previously. She really likes kids though, thinks of them as just little people, which they are, but she never wanted her own. But after me she never had any more, she didn''t change completely by having kids... she just opened her heart to one.

DD

 

[Beacon]

Date: 3/1/2008 9:19:41 AM
Author: sumbride
I don''t think it''s actually legal to let your 7 year old go out on their own (far, anyway) in the US. They''re not technically allowed to stay home alone until 16 in Maryland. Blows my mind, as I was a latch-key child. I don''t agree with it (completely) but it''s a very litigious society... I live in the city, so if I had kids, they could walk to school, but I wouldn''t let them go on their own, at least not until they were 10 or so. It''s about 8 blocks away and it''s not a safe city.

Ha ha ha, I grew up in Maryland. My sister and I made all our spending cash as paid babysitters from the time we were 12 years old. We walked up to a new development in the area and door knocked and announced our services. We got more business than we needed!

Things must have changed a lot.

Yup, we walk one quarter mile to the bus stop every day and took the school bus to school. No hovering parent in an SUV to be seen. We grew up in Potomac, a safe area, never even locked the doors, but we did have 4 dogs.

Sounds like things have gotten very nervous these days!

 

[diamondfan]

I truly have no issue and no investment if someone knows for themselves that they do not want to have kids. Great, more power to you. Your reproductive wishes are yours and your mates alone. And I do not think one should have kids so that they are there for you in your dotage. I know more kids who have come back to the nest as adults and placed burdens and stresses on their aging parents, so that rationale to me is moot.

What I DO have an issue with is the language. DETEST, HATE, etc. WOW. I do find that awesomely offensive, and it is not because I have kids. I too dislike seeing ill mannered kids and the parents who allow them to run amok. I too feel that children do not belong certain places and that they can be very happy and well reared without being the center of the universe. But life is not all tied up in a neat bow, and boy, the vehemence with which you express your views is quite startling. You are certainly in no position to have to defend why you will not have any kids etc, but you might think about how your strong words might impact other people. I just think you can make your case very eloquently without the harshness...and I would hope once you stated you guys will be childless by choice no one would be harsh on you for your decision.

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m kind of with DF on this one. It would never occur to me to even mentally question a friend who didn''t want kids (and I have a few) never mind challenge them on it out loud, and I could see how that might get tiresome if it happens to you a lot.

But it really is not on to ''detest'' or ''hate'' any group of persons, whether you hate them by virtue of their race, religion, or age. It''s no more OK to HATE children and rail against them than if someone HATES the elderly and wishes they would just die and get out of the way or HATES catholics or any other group. Discrimination on the basis of age is still discrimination and bigotry on the basis of age (which is what hating a group IS) is still bigotry.

Really. Not cool. So not cool.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 3/1/2008 1:48:25 PM
Author: diamondfan
I truly have no issue and no investment if someone knows for themselves that they do not want to have kids. Great, more power to you. Your reproductive wishes are yours and your mates alone. And I do not think one should have kids so that they are there for you in your dotage. I know more kids who have come back to the nest as adults and placed burdens and stresses on their aging parents, so that rationale to me is moot.

What I DO have an issue with is the language. DETEST, HATE, etc. WOW. I do find that awesomely offensive, and it is not because I have kids. I too dislike seeing ill mannered kids and the parents who allow them to run amok. I too feel that children do not belong certain places and that they can be very happy and well reared without being the center of the universe. But life is not all tied up in a neat bow, and boy, the vehemence with which you express your views is quite startling. You are certainly in no position to have to defend why you will not have any kids etc, but you might think about how your strong words might impact other people. I just think you can make your case very eloquently without the harshness...and I would hope once you stated you guys will be childless by choice no one would be harsh on you for your decision.

I think anyone who chooses not to have children ought to be respected. I think that being a parent is a HUGE decision and if a person doesn''t want to take it on, they shouldn''t be made to feel bad.

In fact, I wish more people would think about before they have kids. I think it''s sad that so many kids end up neglected by parents who feel they are a burden. Perhaps some of these neglectful parents felt pressured to have babies; however, I''m sure some people think kids aren''t a real commitment and they just result from an "accident" or lack of taking responsibility NOT to have them.

Anyway, again, the point: pressure is NO reason to have a baby!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 3/1/2008 9:19:41 AM
Author: sumbride
I don''t think it''s actually legal to let your 7 year old go out on their own (far, anyway) in the US. They''re not technically allowed to stay home alone until 16 in Maryland. Blows my mind, as I was a latch-key child. I don''t agree with it (completely) but it''s a very litigious society... I live in the city, so if I had kids, they could walk to school, but I wouldn''t let them go on their own, at least not until they were 10 or so. It''s about 8 blocks away and it''s not a safe city.

That''s interesting, Sumbride (about having to be 16 to be unsupervised in MD). In Georgia, you can be left home alone for up to an hour or two at age 10, and at 13, you can supervise younger siblings, for up to two hours. At 15 and over, you can be unsupervised for several hours, or all night.

Funny how different states can be, huh?

 

[galeteia]

Dreamer_dachsie, you have to be sweetest person I have come across in some time, I wish there were more of you around to provide compassion, gentle advice, and understanding posts.

DF and IG, I took a quick check back through my posts and am relieved that I did not use the word 'hate', but I must also point out that I did attempt to put things as gently as I could: "I just didn't want to distress any of the lovely people on this board who do treasure and want children. I was trying to delicately say that I really cannot stand children [...] I just didn't want to get into the gory details or I'd sound like a horrible human being." but that backfired and hindered people's understanding of my situation.

Elmorton you said:"I understand how frustrating it must be to deal with societal pressure/responses when a couple has chosen not to have children, I really don't think this thread is the appropriate place to debate it, either." and I totally agree, but would you agree it's unfair of anyone to state that they don't want to start a debate but proceed to put forth their 'side of the debate' and expect that their sanction of the debate allows them to get away with arguing their side anyway?

If I came up to my FF and said "We are not going to debate this, but I think that X sucks even though you like it. Nope, you can't say anything because I said 'no debate'" it would be rude and high-handed of me.

Perhaps I am not explaining myself well ... it reminds me of the childhood game where you run up, hit someone, and yell "No punchbacks!".

Back to the topic at hand, I think it's wonderful that this thread has prompted discussion between couples about their true feelings about having children. I don't think one can do too much soul searching when it comes to the decision to become a parent, either way.

 

[Independent Gal]

I think what we were reacting to was that you said you "utterly loathe and detest children" and your FI referred to it as your 'hatred' of children and apparently worried it wasn't healthy, which suggests that they don't just annoy you (which would be quite natural).

It's not the choice not to have kids that we were responding to. No kids? No problem. Seriously. I think most people really don't care. I certainly don't. It's none of my business, and even if it was, I wouldn't care what people did. Rather, it was the idea that you 'utterly loathe and detest children'. That makes it sound like to you they're vermin and you'd be happier if they were all dead. Which seems a bit harsh given that it's not their fault that they have only been around for 4 or 8 or 13 years.

Maybe that's not what you meant. I hope that's not what you were saying. But that was what we were reacting to. In case that helps clear up any misunderstanding. None of us are trying to encourage you to have kids or looking down on you because you won't have them. I think every last one of us respects that it's your choice and you're making the best choice for you.

 

[diamondfan]

I totally get and support your choice not to have kids. No further explanations needed. I just think language like loathe and detest are not necessary. Say, I am not maternal, I do not wish to have kids, I have never been interested in having children...there are soooo many ways to communicate your views without devolving to such loaded language. I just found it to be offensive and over the top, your point was not made any clearer with that language.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 3/1/2008 3:33:25 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Date: 3/1/2008 1:48:25 PM

Author: diamondfan

I truly have no issue and no investment if someone knows for themselves that they do not want to have kids. Great, more power to you. Your reproductive wishes are yours and your mates alone. And I do not think one should have kids so that they are there for you in your dotage. I know more kids who have come back to the nest as adults and placed burdens and stresses on their aging parents, so that rationale to me is moot.


What I DO have an issue with is the language. DETEST, HATE, etc. WOW. I do find that awesomely offensive, and it is not because I have kids. I too dislike seeing ill mannered kids and the parents who allow them to run amok. I too feel that children do not belong certain places and that they can be very happy and well reared without being the center of the universe. But life is not all tied up in a neat bow, and boy, the vehemence with which you express your views is quite startling. You are certainly in no position to have to defend why you will not have any kids etc, but you might think about how your strong words might impact other people. I just think you can make your case very eloquently without the harshness...and I would hope once you stated you guys will be childless by choice no one would be harsh on you for your decision.

I think anyone who chooses not to have children ought to be respected. I think that being a parent is a HUGE decision and if a person doesn''t want to take it on, they shouldn''t be made to feel bad.


In fact, I wish more people would think about before they have kids. I think it''s sad that so many kids end up neglected by parents who feel they are a burden. Perhaps some of these neglectful parents felt pressured to have babies; however, I''m sure some people think kids aren''t a real commitment and they just result from an ''accident'' or lack of taking responsibility NOT to have them.


Anyway, again, the point: pressure is NO reason to have a baby!

I do not see anything in my post that was disrespecting hers or anyone choice not to have kids. I am actually thankful that she knows enough about her own feelings to not have children regardless of what others might say. Sometimes people do bow to the pressure and it might end up fine, but the choice to have children belongs only to the two people directly involved. No one should ever have a child due to pressure or to please someone else. I clearly stated her choice is her own. I do have issues with how she stated her views. Certainly someone who is not maternally inclined to such a strong degree should hold very true to her ideals, and can say so in a less loaded manner. At the end of the day, a point can be made in a variety of ways.

 

[galeteia]

Again, I did point out I tried to avoid using that language:

Date: 3/1/2008 4:01:21 PM
DF and IG, I took a quick check back through my posts and am relieved that I did not use the word ''hate'', but I must also point out that I did attempt to put things as gently as I could: ''I just didn''t want to distress any of the lovely people on this board who do treasure and want children. I was trying to delicately say that I really cannot stand children [...] I just didn''t want to get into the gory details or I''d sound like a horrible human being.'' but that backfired and hindered people''s understanding of my situation.

As I said, if my mincing of words had not given people the wrong impression of my situation, I wouldn''t have used those terms because I''m not comfortable bandying them about. I tried to convey my feelings as gently as I could and not express them in a ''loaded'' manner.

I am sorry if my efforts to clarify my situation offended you.

 

[Independent Gal]

''nough said.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/1/2008 4:01:21 PM
Author: Galateia
Dreamer_dachsie, you have to be sweetest person I have come across in some time, I wish there were more of you around to provide compassion, gentle advice, and understanding posts.

DF and IG, I took a quick check back through my posts and am relieved that I did not use the word ''hate'', but I must also point out that I did attempt to put things as gently as I could: ''I just didn''t want to distress any of the lovely people on this board who do treasure and want children. I was trying to delicately say that I really cannot stand children [...] I just didn''t want to get into the gory details or I''d sound like a horrible human being.'' but that backfired and hindered people''s understanding of my situation.

Your posts do sound very rude mostly because you made numerous elloquant and negative statements rather than putting your views in a softer tone. Why not just say you don''t want kids because you don''t have any maternal instincts rather than go on an on. . .?

Personally, what I find fearful is that people with horribly negative attitudes toward children comprise and share the same world as children which creates an ugly environment for our future generations. Is this why some people are rude and practically run my kids over with grocery store carts or don''t hold the door open for my son when we''re entering into a store, which has nearly resulted, a few times, in him nearly being hit on the head?

Pricescope has changed tremendously over the last few years. Seems back in time, there weren''t as many PS moms or pregnant ladies and women were more supportive of those who said nasty things. I recall being offended a few seperate times, but luckily for the most part people are nicer now.

 

[dani13]

To me, I just dont understand how people can say they "hate" children. How could you use such a strong word? I know its just my opinion, but I think kids are great, and I cant wait to have them one day!!!! I can understand someone not wanting children, but the words "children" and "hate" just dont belong in the same sentence together.

Honestly!!!

 

[VRBeauty]

I really would rather let this whole line of discussion fade away, and I know Galateia is a big girl who doesn''t need anybody''s help, but...

she has explained that her choice of words was merely a way of trying to convey how strongly she feels about not having children. No doubt she sometimes has to convey those sentiments strongly to deter those who feel a need to try to convince her that she''s wrong about her feelings, or that she will someday change her mind, or regret not having children.

she is clearly a thoughtful and caring person and not trying to force anyone else to share her viewpoint, including her DF.

she has apologized for her choice of words.

So please, leave it alone already. To infer that Galateia condones hurting children, or that her post somehow contributes to the behavior of those who would, or that she is somehow not nice for discussing her dilema, is beyond unfair.

 

[galeteia]

Good grief. I may have expressed myself using unfortunate terms, but ''hate'' was NOT one of them, and to imply that I would go so far as to negligently hurt someone''s child is going way too far.

I may have to stop myself (note, I said I DO stop myself) from scowling at rambunctious children misbehaving on the bus, for example, but I never fail to instinctively shoot out an arm to protect them from overbalancing when the bus lurches. If a child was in danger, of course I would run to rescue it. If a child came up to me, hysterical and lost, of course I would help. Just because I dislike children and don''t want them does not make me into some kind of ogre.

And perhaps because I am still responding here I am wrongfully interpreting the comments being made about hatred as directed towards myself, because I have certainly not used that word.

Sha, I responded just to sympathize with having strong feelings about children with a spouse who is waffling, it was not my intention to derail your thread into a debate.

MINIMS, thank you for your post. You are right that people rarely accept a simple "I don''t want children" without challenging it and it''s always a lose-lose proposition.

 

[diamondfan]

G, I am sorry in real life (but not surprised) that people do not let you off the hook when you state you wish to remain childless. Some people, I guess, have trouble really accepting that, but it is too bad...that is how you feel and it is not about "converting" you to see it their way.

I know people who did not want kids and people assumed they could not physically have them, and kept telling them to adopt. It did not matter how many times she said they CHOSE not to have children, it kept on going from various people.

To me, certain things are one''s private business. How you vote, your choice to have kids (just 2 examples that come to mind), as long as it is not illegal it is not my business. Sadly not all people have a hands off approach when they hear certain things.

Some people love kids so much and feel no one''s life is complete without them, so maybe they feel it is their mission to change your mind. Some people want to debate you and hear your reasons, which really may be none of their business but they do not care.

If it comes up, in my honest opinion, you can just say, it is not something I feel comfortable discussing, thank you.

Trust me, when someone has pushed me into a corner about something, when I say that, it really ends the conversation. It takes a very nervy person (my mother in law is ONE) to keep at you once you have said that. If you do not engage, the person has to stop, since they cannot argue with themselves.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 3/1/2008 7:19:27 PM
Author: MINIMS
I really would rather let this whole line of discussion fade away, and I know Galateia is a big girl who doesn''t need anybody''s help, but...

she has explained that her choice of words was merely a way of trying to convey how strongly she feels about not having children. No doubt she sometimes has to convey those sentiments strongly to deter those who feel a need to try to convince her that she''s wrong about her feelings, or that she will someday change her mind, or regret not having children.

she is clearly a thoughtful and caring person and not trying to force anyone else to share her viewpoint, including her DF.

she has apologized for her choice of words.

So please, leave it alone already. To infer that Galateia condones hurting children, or that her post somehow contributes to the behavior of those who would, or that she is somehow not nice for discussing her dilema, is beyond unfair.

Ditto. I''s also like to point out that people''s emotions about an issue can become really really extreme sometimes as a method of motivating the self to keep pursuing a goal that is difficult to pursue. No doubt, pursuing the goal to stay childfree in this culture is a difficult goal to pursue because of all the pressure that people feel, so one might need to maintain rather extreme emotions abou the issue. However, I agree that such strong language certaintly sends the wrong message to others and can offend people who love kids, so I''m happy to see that Galateia appologized. I have had to apologize a few times when my vehemence for an issue got the better of me... Like when I say "I HATE golf!!" to my hubby and he gets a tear in his eye.

I know that isn''t the same, but just trying to lighten to mood!

DD

 

[Pandora II]

When I first met FI, he absolutely did NOT want children ever.

Over the last 3.5 years he has become more and more into the idea.

We had ''The Talk'' about a month ago and have decided to start TTC in Sept/Oct this year.

Last week when we were staying in Italy, my friend''s seven-year-old son completely stole his heart. He had FI playing table football, chess, running round the garden etc. In the evening he wanted to sit on FI''s knee and cuddle him while they were watching TV and he kept coming up and hugging him during the day.

Last Sunday, there were floods of tears from Davide because FI would be leaving on Tuesday and he didn''t want him to go!

It was so funny watching FI - he''s a geeky, serious type and not someone who kids automatically see as fun or into playing, so he never has since his brothers were tiny. He''s certainly never had a kid sit on his knee and demand to be cuddled before - FI has never even picked up his 1-year-old niece. I''ve never seen a guy look more uncomfortable!

However, all he can talk about this week is how cool my friend''s kids are and how he''d really like one just like them. He''s so excited now about becoming a Daddy.

 

[Dreamer_D]

What a lovely story Pandora!

 

[littlelysser]

This is a timely topic for us. Not the child disliking part, but the DH and kids part.

I was sure I didn't want kids. TOTALLY SURE. DH met me when I had just graduated from law school...working at a big firm...wasn't even a possibility. DH was totally on board. Never saw himself as a dad. I never thought of myself as a mom.

Then I saw my friends having children. Wonderful, sweet, smart amazing kids that stole my heart. So yeah. I totally understood why someone would want to be a mother. And this is going to sound cheesy, but I think DH is pretty darn awesome. And putting a bit more of him into the world can only be a good thing.

So, here I am at 33, realizing that I think being a mother is something I want to do. I still can't believe the change of heart I've had. Or rather almost had. I'm not 100% there. But I'm close.

My DH has slowly come around. At first he was totally taken aback. We've talked a lot about it. And he's still scared that he wouldn't be a good father. But see, prior to meeting me, DH thought that he would never own/love a dog. He is now sitting on the chair in our family room, two dogs laying on him, happy as can be. I don't think he realizes how loving, patient and awesome he is. I think he'd make the most amazing dad in so many ways.

So yeah. Not sure what we'll end up doing...but it is interesting.

 

[diamondfan]

I saw Ibizan''s at the dog show! They are gorgeous.

It is so interesting how you views have shifted. I hope you both come to the conclusion that works for you. It sounds like he has jitters, but I think most parents would tell you they had or have those moments. I think we, or me for sure and maybe others, really fear doing the stuff we disliked about our lives growing up. I had an older mom who was not emotionally available all of the time, it was not her way based on her generation. I found myself raising myself a majority of the time once my dad got cancer. So, I really wanted to make sure my kids knew I was always willing to listen...not give them their way necessarily, but hear them. I think about it every day.

 

[littlelysser]

We love our Ibizan to bits. They are really wonderful dogs - quirky, intelligent and so silly. And there are a limited number of Ibizans out there (I think something like 95 were registered with the AKC in 2005) - so you were probably looking at one of Izzie''s relatives!

And I must say, I''m pretty surprised by my shift of feelings as well. Luckily, my mother is absolutely wonderful - she loved us and supported us and now I consider to be one of my best friends. She''s pretty great. My dad is too. So yeah...I''m still getting used to the idea. And really considering the concept of a Mother (with a capital M). So much work, possible heartbreak, potential, love, and sweetness.

 

[Sha]

Yes, this has been a really interesting thread so far! Galateia, no worries about derailing the thread with the child-free debate. I''ve enjoyed reading everyone''s responses on all of the issues raised here.

DD, Pandora, and littlelysser, thanks for your inspiring stories. It''s great to know people CAN have a change of heart. I just hope my DH is one of them!

 

[divergrrl]

I''m responding to this without reading other''s responses first...

My DH wanted to "knock me up" as he so eloquently put it as soon as we got engaged. I wanted to be a married woman first so I had him hold his horses and we waited until our first anniversary to start trying.

That said, it wasn''t "real" for my DH until I really started showing (like hugely pregnant) and he didn''t feel like we were "really" going to be parents until they handed him our son at delivery.

I know for a lot of guys, (just from hearing what all the dh''s with new babies in our group have said) its not real until the baby gets there. But I do believe all the guys wanted kids from the get go.

As for quality of life, I can only say ours had increased. My children don''t ruin our home, but then, I don''t let my son eat anywhere but the kitchen, and he''s not allowed to ram toy trucks etc. into furniture, walls, etc. My house isn''t a perfect museum, and it does have foam padding on the hearth, etc...but its in nice shape and I''m proud of it. And if something gets spilled, chipped, broken, so what? You can clean up, fix, or replace anything. Besides, who says its always the kids? This last month alone I''ve spilt 2 glasses of red wine on my living room carpet (thank god I got it up), and broke a glass bowl, a salad bowl, and a few months ago I jacked up my garage door. I''m a bigger liability than the kids. LOL. Major Klutz.

But you and dh have to decide if having kids is what you want. He could just be reluctant like I was, and now I''m over the moon. I was just reluctant out of fear & trepidation...but none of the bad stuff you hear came true. ''Tis all good. As long as he''s open to having kids, that''s good. Have one, see how your family adjusts and then decide if you want to have another. Families come in all sizes. Sometimes its 2 adults and some furry 4legged kids and sometimes its just one child or 5. You have no idea until you get there.

Best of luck!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

FI would try get me KU''d today, at lunchtime, in public, if I''d let him. He desperately wants a baby. He''s also 5 years older than me and is turning 33 this month. His sister just had her second child last week. While I know he''s ready for a baby, I don''t know if I am. I know that rarely is anyone really "ready" for a child, but it''s a big step to take and not one I want to embrace while I''m trying to plan a wedding for May ''09. Not that marriage has to preceed children, but I''m moody on a good day. FI would call the whole thing off if I was pregnant and stressed about planning a wedding. We just had a this past week though and it really made us discuss this subject. If I ''got'' pregnant then of course I''d be thrilled at the prospect of having a baby, but I wouldn''t be thrilled with the timing. I don''t think the quality of life goes down necessarily, I think priorites change. What scares me the most about the whole subject is the idea that once you start you can''t go back to how things were before. You''re in it for the rest of your life. I basically raised my little brother (he''s 15 now) and I wouldn''t change that for the world. Our bond is a blessing and one I''ll treasure for the rest of my life. But I remember how hard it was as well. The good times are there but when you''re in the moment of a not so good time, it''s hard to accept that the good times outweigh the bad.

I feel like I''m the guy and FI is the woman in this situation. He''s ready to go and I''m having commitment issues.

FI and I have agreed that my BCPs will go in the trash on our wedding day (unless my period is due on our honeymoon and then I''ll wait until we''re back). After that we''re going to let nature take its course.

 

[nytemist]

Everyone who knows DH and I know we don''t want kids. Not now, not ever. But of course, when over at my mother''s house last Saturday, playing with my great-niece, it comes up again and my mother says, "I know you will change your mind, you''ll feel left out among your other friends." I wanted to start screaming.

Granted, I enjoy infants, but can''t tolerate kids older than about a year. I''ll quicker deal with them as a teen. I have no maternal instinct and it''s extremely frustrating for people to convince that you''ll change your mind or tell you that no, you can''t really feel that you don''t like kids, can you? Trust me, we know.

Dh was on the fence when we started dating. A year into it I asked him to really, really think about that if you want to pursue this relationship, because I know where I stand on the issue. He did put though into it. Also his parents aren''t the full-pressure types (hey where are our grandchildren?) and have never even asked him about it. He decided that his cats were enough like the terrible two''s.