How does your DH feel about having children?

[Sha]

Just curious.... DH always said he wouldn''t care if he didn''t have any children. He''s willing to have them...but he wouldn''t care either way. Today we were talking casually about it and he said he feels that our quality of life will ''go down'' after children - that the kids would destroy the house- we wouldn''t have time for ourselves blah blah blah. I tried to tell him it''s not all negative... that there are rewards to having children as well. He said he probably feels that way because he grew up having to raise his younger siblings, and didn''t like it.

So, I''m a bit disappointed by that. I love children and can''t see myself not having them. We agreed to have at least two, which is fine with me. I just wish he was a bit more excited about it...you know?

What about your DH/FI?

Does quality of life really get worse after children? I know people say the first year after a baby is the most stressful. Any experiences?

Did anyone''s DH not want children and then end up getting more excited about it afterward having one?

 

[mimzy]

let me preface this by saying that i am speaking from absolutely zero experience.

i don''t think that a person''s quality of life goes down after children unless you let yourself become unhappy....which you can do without kids just as easily. i think it has to do more with a change in priorities that translates into a change in lifestyle, which may be percieved as a decrease in quality of life. i would even go out on a limb and say that most parents report that they have a better "quality of life" than they did before the babies showed up.

i would put money on the second the first kid pops out he is going to be so in love with the little booger that he isn''t going to imagine his life without them, messy house or not.


it seems like his hesitation might stem from the fact that he never really got to put himself first, and that by having kids he is going to be putting his desires on the backburner....pretty much for the remainder of his life. but like i said, i think he would be likely to come around if the babies were HIS

 

[Independent Gal]

FI can''t wait to have kids. Can''t happen soon enough as far as he is concerned. However, he has never been around young kids and probably has no idea what he''s in for.

I''ve got a lot of a younger siblings, so I have a fair idea of the chaos that will ensue. Does it lower your quality of life in terms of going out together, having a clean orderly house, having ANY kind of sex life (for a while at least) etc? Absolutely. Will there be other rewards that make it all worthwhile? I sure hope so!

I''m sure he''ll love his kids when they come along, though.

Although I, too, wonder what others'' experiences have been.

 

[zoebartlett]

We''re both nervous about it. My FI used to think he wasn''t cut out for being a father but I think he was insecure for some reason. He has 4 brothers and sisters and several nieces and nephews but he''s always seemed a little uncomfortable around little kids. He''s come around in the past few years though and he''s happy to have a family now. We''re not 100% sure it will happen but it''s good to know he''s on board if it does.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Does my DH want kids? Let''s say this. He watches "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC regularly (they have six year old twins and SIX two year olds!

), and while watching it he inevitably turns to me at least once and says, "I want a big family!" Haha...

As to whether kids affect happiness, the social-psychological research clearly shows that people''s general stress level increases with having kids, and relationship satisfaction drops to.

Doom and gloom right? Nope. Along with those drops comes a HUUUUUGE increase in feelings of purpose and meaning in life. Seems like a fair trade to me! And just so you know, the drops in relationship satisfaction are almost totally explained by the fact that husbands often do not meet their pre-baby promises regarding how much they will contribute to the childrearing process, and those shattered expectations on the part of the wives undermines the integrity of the relationship. So some of the decrease in satisfaction or happiness isn''t really due to the kids, it''s due to husbands not pulling their weight! So if you feel that things are unequal BEFORE kids, that feeling will get 10 times worse after kids. That''s why I think its important to work on getting things equal before kids.

Right now my hubby is doing the dishes!

DD

 

[Haven]

My FI definitely wants kids. In fact, he''s sitting next to me playing with his new Macbook and I just asked him "Honey, how do you feel about having children?" His response: "Good."

That''s my FI for you, he is a man of few words.

I asked more questions and he said he absolutely wants children, two to be exact, and he''s excited to have them.

 

[dani13]

My dh and I both want children very much, but we are going to wait awhile before we start TTC...We both know the changes that will take place once they are here, so we are going to take our time to enjoy married life for awhile, just the two of us. I think its normal to be somewhat apprehensive about having children.....Dont worry, Sha, people change as time goes by...just b/c your dh isnt super excited now about having kids doesnt mean he never will be in the future!!

 

[Fancy605]

My husband says he wants as many as we can afford. So right now 0. In the future though, I think he''d like to have several. He brings it up from time to time. I''m pretty content with just us and the dog, so I''m in no hurry. I agree with Dani. I am enjoying just being married.

 

[diamondfan]

I think your life changes. Of course, sometimes the priority changes in a temporal and financial sense are very challenging, but I think once you have your child you just do it. Not that you do not notice the changes or whatnot, but I think it becomes less important. I found that I valued my free time more, since I did not have an abundance of it any longer. I could make some, but there were always demands on me and on my time, so I had to pick and chose. It certainly helped me to eliminate people from my world who were not on the same page with me. When you have only so much extra time, spending it with people who are draining or tough does not make a lot of sense!

 

[Elmorton]

He wants them. He wants two, a boy and a girl. He does NOT want them right now, though. This is our first year of marriage and the theme of this year has been "oh wow we're adults now what do we do?" so the idea of adding children in seems absolutely terrifying for both of us.

I think I'm more afraid of it than he is, though!

 

[Hera]

My husband has been begging me for children for at least seven years. I''m just really cautious waiting unfortunately for the perfect moment. We have a solid ten year marriage and I finally feel ready for babies. Well...after we buy a house first

 

[Sha]

Wow, you guys are lucky to have husbands who want children so badly. Yeah, I"m hoping DH gets more excited about it too... we plan to start TTCing in October, after our anniversary. I would have loved to sooner, but every parent we''ve spoken to said it''s best to wait and give ourselves some time...since things change so much after the baby.

Mimzy, I think you''re right about the change in priorities...which is not necessarily a drop in quality of life...just a change in focus, perhaps? From yourself to the baby. I don''t mind that at all....I''ve been focused on me for the past 31 years so I don''t mind having another focus now. If I were 22 then that would be a different matter.

With regard to men and children, though.... I''ve been wondering whether a man''s desire for pets has anything to do with his (possible) desire for children? Do men''s nurturing qualities show themselves in how they love their pets?

I''m wondering because DH is also not a pet person. He barely tolerates dogs and cats. Me - I love them! Especially dogs.

They''re lke my children.

I''m wondering if some men are just NOT wired to love small, cute, cuddly things? Whether they be pets or babies? Maybe these men are just not nurturing types, while those who love pets are inherent nurturers?

What do you think? Do you see a connection between your DH"s love of pets and his desire to have children?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/21/2008 8:35:32 AM
Author: Sha

What do you think? Do you see a connection between your DH's love of pets and his desire to have children?

I don't know about a general connection but my DH is pretty nurturing generally speaking, of me and others, and he dotes on our dogs like they are his little babies. So maybe there is an inherent thing?

There's no way to predict 100% how your hubby will change/not change when you have kids, but then no one can really know what will happen in the future anyways!! You said your DH isn't against kids, and you really want them, so you just have them and then see what happens! Does you DH feel really motivated or creative in other domains of his life? Maybe he isn't so "nurturing" or lovey-dovey abut pets etc., but people can take pleasure and be motivated towards their children for many other reasons too: teaching, contributing to the future, creating a legacy. It is possible that one of thise motivations will spur your DH to become really motivated towards your kids once you have them, even if his nurturing side doesn't come out in the typical way. My uncle isn't the most "nurturing" but he is really committed and devoted to his kids for the reasons I listed.

DD

 

[Independent Gal]

DD that''s really interesting about the relationship satisfaction / fair workload thing. I had read about that being a trouble area in some marriage books, so FI and I have been working on it. But I feel like I''m just ''better'' at lots of practical things than he is, so inevitably I end up picking up the slack. So I started to realize it would be even MORE so when we have kids. So I think I will quietly, secretly, lower my expectations (but won''t tell FI of course! don''t want him to think he''s off the hook!) so that I''m less likely to be disappointed or resentful. Plus, we can try to think of ways for him to pick up extra slack elsewhere once a baby comes. E.g., he could start doing ALL the cooking. I''m sure we''ll work something out. But forewarned is forearmed! So thanks for the tip.

I gather some husbands also feel jealous htat the wife''s attention and love are so focussed on the baby, and that there''s not as much nooky going on (persumably because of fatigue). So we''ll work hard to avoid those problems too.

I hope knowing in advance that certain problems are likely to arise really does help us avoid them. Or maybe there''s just no avoiding them? Well, I do think we''ll work it out. We''re pretty good at that, he and I.

 

[sumbride]

Mine doesn''t want them. In fact, he really can''t stand small children. Fortunately I agree with him. We talked about it a LOT before engagement and marriage though. He was very worried that I would be disappointed if we never had kids, if he never wanted them, but I feel like we''re in the same place about it. I do worry that I may lean more toward wanting them at some point, but at 30, I''m so vehemently opposed to children that I''d have to be pretty quick about turning around to do anything about it. And the more I see small children, the less I want them. I think I lost that gene somewhere. I used to want kids because you''re "supposed to" but now, I just really don''t.

We do have pets though, and I''ve told him we will always have pets. He wasn''t really into it at first, and he''s not into them as much as I am, but he does like having them around... but when he steps in cat puke on a Saturday morning, let''s just say I have to pretend to be deaf for a minute because I do NOT like what he says to them. He wouldn''t do well with kids, I''m convinced of it.

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:36:42 AM
Author: sumbride
Mine doesn''t want them. In fact, he really can''t stand small children. Fortunately I agree with him. We talked about it a LOT before engagement and marriage though. He was very worried that I would be disappointed if we never had kids, if he never wanted them, but I feel like we''re in the same place about it. I do worry that I may lean more toward wanting them at some point, but at 30, I''m so vehemently opposed to children that I''d have to be pretty quick about turning around to do anything about it. And the more I see small children, the less I want them. I think I lost that gene somewhere. I used to want kids because you''re ''supposed to'' but now, I just really don''t.

We do have pets though, and I''ve told him we will always have pets. He wasn''t really into it at first, and he''s not into them as much as I am, but he does like having them around... but when he steps in cat puke on a Saturday morning, let''s just say I have to pretend to be deaf for a minute because I do NOT like what he says to them. He wouldn''t do well with kids, I''m convinced of it.

Hmm.... DH hates stepping in dog doo-doo too...he says that''s one of his MAJOR reasons for not wanting a dog. He gets frustrated with dogs for the silly things they do (which to me are cute things), which really makes me wonder if he would have a lot of patience with children. He did say one time that he tends to be impatient with children. So I''m not sure how much that would change if they were his, as opposed to someone else''s....

On the other hand, he''s very affectionate and patient with me. And really domestic in tons of other ways, too. He loves cooking and pretty much does all of it in our house (thankfully, since I don''t like cooking that much). Plus he washes dishes, does laundry, and loves doing other ''domestic things'', like grocery shopping, or puttering around the house. I always tell him that if he didn''t get married it would''ve been such a waste... cause he fits perfectly into the husband role. Except for the kids part, darn it!

DD, I agree with you about the division of responsibliites and how that can change post-baby. Thankfully, DH is already really domestic so I think we have that part covered. Whew! Actually, we probablly would be evenly divided if I did all the baby stuff (changing diapers etc), while he did all the cooking, laundry etc.

Independent Gal, yeah - if you''re doing the lion''s share of the work already then I could see how thigns could become more stressful for you around that time. But sounds like you already have a plan to deal with it!

I do agree that if you anticipate those changes and prepare for them, you''ll be in a much better place to manage the stress that this time brings.

 

[Independent Gal]

To be fair to FI, I should stress that he cheerfully does all the groceries, empties the dishwasher, takes out the garbage and recycling, and does half the cooking (in theory... in practice he cooks about twice a week and takes me out once or twice...not so bad!). So it''s not like he''s not doing anything. But I definitely spend more actual time taking care of household things.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/21/2008 10:11:09 AM
Author: Sha

On the other hand, he''s very affectionate and patient with me. And really domestic in tons of other ways, too. He loves cooking and pretty much does all of it in our house (thankfully, since I don''t like cooking that much). Plus he washes dishes, does laundry, and loves doing other ''domestic things'', like grocery shopping, or puttering around the house. I always tell him that if he didn''t get married it would''ve been such a waste... cause he fits perfectly into the husband role. Except for the kids part, darn it!

It sounds like you have a loving partner, Sha, who treats you well and contributes to the household. That is much more than many people can say about their husbands. I think the key is to not worry about this issue too much. He has not said he doesn''t want kids, he is ambivalent, and there could be a million reasons for that. He may not like dogs because he has never personally bonded with one. Believe it or not, I used to hate dogs, hated them. Thought dog people were crazy, didn''t like touching them or having them lick me. Yuck!! Then I started wanting a pet and DH was allergic, so I did some reasearch, opened my mind, and fell in love with dogs! Now I even have a "dog lover" key chain! haha. And I am not crazy about other peoples children either: never baby sat, don''t like playing ring-around-the-rosy incessantly or watching kids play with blocks. Bor-ing! But I know I will love my own kids like crazy. Your hubby has the capability of being warm and loving and bonding with people, he has that type of relationship with you! Why doesn''t he say, "Baby lets have kids! Woo hoo!"? Who knows! I could guess, but like I said, there could be a million reasons. Maybe he''s scared about being a dad so talking about it raises anxiety, so he refuses to talk about it? Who knows. Maybe he is being up front: he recalls being a "parent" as a child and not liking it and thinks it will be the same this time around. It sounds like he is expressing worries and anxieties that are normal and everyone feels them. My DH is baby crazy, but when it comes down to it he isn''t ready yet either.

DD

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 2/21/2008 9:36:42 AM
Author: sumbride
Mine doesn''t want them. In fact, he really can''t stand small children. Fortunately I agree with him. We talked about it a LOT before engagement and marriage though. He was very worried that I would be disappointed if we never had kids, if he never wanted them, but I feel like we''re in the same place about it. I do worry that I may lean more toward wanting them at some point, but at 30, I''m so vehemently opposed to children that I''d have to be pretty quick about turning around to do anything about it. And the more I see small children, the less I want them. I think I lost that gene somewhere. I used to want kids because you''re ''supposed to'' but now, I just really don''t.

We do have pets though, and I''ve told him we will always have pets. He wasn''t really into it at first, and he''s not into them as much as I am, but he does like having them around... but when he steps in cat puke on a Saturday morning, let''s just say I have to pretend to be deaf for a minute because I do NOT like what he says to them. He wouldn''t do well with kids, I''m convinced of it.

That''s good that you agree on this and talked about it sumbride! If you both feel that way, then you totally shouldn''t have kids just because of the pressure to conform.

My DH yells at the Dogs sometimes too and over-reacts to little things too. We''re working on it because I don''t like that much rage about little things, and he doesn''t like feeling out of control when he is mad like that. My DH''s dad had a lot of anger and yelled a lot at the kids when he was a younger man. It was scary to DH and he would have preferred his dad not yell. But his dad was a great parent and that flaw didn''t ruin his dad-ness or affect his bond with my DH. So jst because your DH yells at the cats doesn''t guarantee he''d be a bad parent. You don''t have to be perfect to be a great parent, you actually just need to be "good enough."

DD

 

[MichelleCarmen]

FWIW, My husband and I haven't had any problems with our sex life!!! lol Hopefully this isn't TMI, but we just pop a DVD in for the kids and that's all it takes to keep them preoccupied.

My DH and I planned both kids and we wanted two kids. Children are hard work and exact large amounts of energy, so I think a couple MUST be on the same page about wanting kids! Every couple I know who didn't plan their kids or had them at a young age have divorced!

Having kids is just an adjustment and you catch on to the life changes very quickly. Mostly I've had to give up my hobbies. Before having kids, I spent hours a week in a pottery studio, but now I don't go anymore, but am considering buying a kiln and getting back into that interest. You also cannot go to certain events for years, like movies, unless you have a babysitter lined up.

It's not really that big of a deal as long as you truely are wanting kids, because you're willing to give up your "fun" to enjoy the joys kids bring. They can also be a pain at times, but who isn't???

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Sha,

I can relate to how your husband feels. I know that I''m currently enjoying our newlywed status and we are both content to just enjoy each other and try to travel over the next few years, but I have fears about what having a baby will do to our relationship. I''m afraid that we won''t have any energy to connect by having some quiet time or doing the hobbies we want to do, I''m afraid we''ll be exhausted all the time and take each other for granted, I''m afraid of how much of the responsibility will fall on me since I''m the mom. I''m afraid we''ll argue about if we should take him to the doctor when he''s sick. We do talk about these things and are on the same page, I''m still afraid.

While DH is content to wait, he really feels that having a baby will make us feel closer than ever. He thinks we will be a good team and that we will have a greater sense of "family".

Honestly, I feel that it will probably be a combination of both. I do think it will be hard on our relationship simply from the stress and responsibility, but I also think that the whole experience will bring us together. I just want to make sure that we are focused on having a strong and healthy relationship so that when the time comes, we''ll be as ready as possible.

 

[bee*]

D wants kids but not for a good few years,which suits me as I''m in college for another three years and then I want to get my career going first. His dad is a very hands on father so I''m hoping that D will be too. If he''s anyway as good as he is with Amber, I''ll be happy! If anything, it''s me that''s more nervous of having kids.

 

[Rhea]

Neither of us want children. Thank goodness! I wouldn''t have married him if he did. We had a very long talk right after we started dating regarding children because I wanted to clear the air right away.

I can''t really relate to your experiences of wanting different things. If my DH wanted children we''d have a real problem with me constantly trying to convince him or show him that life without children would be better than life with children.

 

[Independent Gal]

MC that was some very encouraging ''TMI''! We''ll do our best to follow your example when the time comes.

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/21/2008 12:56:30 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 2/21/2008 10:11:09 AM
Author: Sha

On the other hand, he''s very affectionate and patient with me. And really domestic in tons of other ways, too. He loves cooking and pretty much does all of it in our house (thankfully, since I don''t like cooking that much). Plus he washes dishes, does laundry, and loves doing other ''domestic things'', like grocery shopping, or puttering around the house. I always tell him that if he didn''t get married it would''ve been such a waste... cause he fits perfectly into the husband role. Except for the kids part, darn it!

It sounds like you have a loving partner, Sha, who treats you well and contributes to the household. That is much more than many people can say about their husbands. I think the key is to not worry about this issue too much. He has not said he doesn''t want kids, he is ambivalent, and there could be a million reasons for that. He may not like dogs because he has never personally bonded with one. Believe it or not, I used to hate dogs, hated them. Thought dog people were crazy, didn''t like touching them or having them lick me. Yuck!! Then I started wanting a pet and DH was allergic, so I did some reasearch, opened my mind, and fell in love with dogs! Now I even have a ''dog lover'' key chain! haha. And I am not crazy about other peoples children either: never baby sat, don''t like playing ring-around-the-rosy incessantly or watching kids play with blocks. Bor-ing! But I know I will love my own kids like crazy. Your hubby has the capability of being warm and loving and bonding with people, he has that type of relationship with you! Why doesn''t he say, ''Baby lets have kids! Woo hoo!''? Who knows! I could guess, but like I said, there could be a million reasons. Maybe he''s scared about being a dad so talking about it raises anxiety, so he refuses to talk about it? Who knows. Maybe he is being up front: he recalls being a ''parent'' as a child and not liking it and thinks it will be the same this time around. It sounds like he is expressing worries and anxieties that are normal and everyone feels them. My DH is baby crazy, but when it comes down to it he isn''t ready yet either.

DD

Thanks for all your replies and stories!

DD- I think you''re right about him being scared about it, because of his own personal experience.

He''s VERY scared about it, actually. The conversation came up again last night after we were talking about building a house. I asked him, ''so how many bedrooms do you think we''ll need?". He said 4. Just to see where his head was, I asked, "So, who''ll be in those 4 rooms?" He said..."well, you know, if we have A kid..." So I said, "kid? at least TWO kids.." He was like, "TWO??!!" I said, ''but hon, we talked about this before we got married and agreed on having two! blah blah...". I couldn''t believe he didn''t remember. Anyway, the look on his face was one of extreme petrification...if that''s a word. Sigh.... he looked very scared at the thought. Then he finally croaked out... "okay..."

After we talked about it some more he expressed the same fears... that he feels our quality of life will take a nosedive when we have a child. He says when newlyweds have children they never get to do anything fun anymore, there''s never enough money for anything, wives stop taking care of themselves etc etc. He actually said he associates children with ''hardship''. Can you believe that? I mean... I understand where he''s coming from, but I wish he wasn''t so completely negative about the whole thing. I tried to show him that there are joys and rewards to having a child as well...but I don''t think he''s convinced really.

As I said, I think a lot of it comes from the fact that he was the oldest and had to look after his youngest siblings - I think he was about 12/13 years old. His mother had 5 children and didn''t make the best choices in men either.... so I think he also feels she ruined her life by having so many children by deadbeat dads. And maybe he''s not a ''kid'' person either. I don''t know...

He says he knows he would be a good father...but he''s also scared about the way children are today. He thinks it''s a lot harder to raise a good child in today''s society, which I agree with - but it''s not impossible.

Anyway, the other thing that came out was that he really wants us to spend some time as a couple before having children, because of all the reasons mentioned. Remember I said we were supposed to be trying after a year? Well I thought that meant a YEAR after getting married - which would be in October 08. Turns out HE thought I meant a YEAR after finishing my Masters - I''m finishing in May 08. So he was thinking May 09!!! (Sigh.. communication is sooo important). I told him I ddin''t want to wait that late. I''ll be 32 this year, and he''ll be 40. I really don''t want to be much older than that when we start trying for a first. He''s like, "what''s the rush?" but he doesn''t understand the whole biological clock thing,which I had to break down to him. Sigh...

I think we will stick with the October timeline but he still is absolutely petrified by it all.

I don''t know what will make him change his views short of actually having a child and then getting attached to it...

Do you think most men change their minds about this sort of thing?

 

[partgypsy]

"We agreed to have at least two" Hmm, did you and your partner agree "at least two" or did you decide for him?
It sounds like might be okay with having one kid, but is leery (rightly so) of having multiple children. It is a major change in lifestyle.

All the people I know who disagreed with their partners on whether to have kids, or even one vs multiple, and then disregarded their partner''s feelings about the subject ended up having martial difficulties if not divorce. I cringe whenever I hear of a woman who knows their husband does not want an additional child but confides in me they are going to go ahead and try to get pregnant.
It is supposed to be a partnership. Listen to him.

 

[Sha]

Date: 2/22/2008 1:50:41 PM
Author: part gypsy
''We agreed to have at least two'' Hmm, did you and your partner agree ''at least two'' or did you decide for him?
It sounds like might be okay with having one kid, but is leery (rightly so) of having multiple children. It is a major change in lifestyle.

All the people I know who disagreed with their partners on whether to have kids, or even one vs multiple, and then disregarded their partner''s feelings about the subject ended up having martial difficulties if not divorce. I cringe whenever I hear of a woman who knows their husband does not want an additional child but confides in me they are going to go ahead and try to get pregnant.
It is supposed to be a partnership. Listen to him.

It was soft of compromise, I guess. When we first started dating he asked me how many I wanted and I said ''three''. I asked him too and he said... "as many as God provides''. (Hm... quite vague if I think about it now) Anyway, after a year or so we were talking about it again and I mentioned again that I''d always wanted three children. At that time, he was like, "Three? That''s a lot in this day and age...don''t you think?". That''s when I said, "okay, I guess two would be fine.". (that was a big compromise for me!) When we were engaged it came up again (having two kids) and he seemed okay with it - at least he didn''t argue about it at that time. So now I''m disappointed that he seems so surprised about having two - or maybe he just doesn''t really remember the conversation? Maybe he has selective amnesia? I remember clearly because that subject is important to me.

Anyway, I''m not trying to disregard his feelings at all... they are very important to me. But I feel that that was the agreement we came into the marriage with - as per our previous conversations- so I think we should stick to the plan. If he had clearly said, "we''re only having one child" before we got married then that would''ve been a major area to work through before getting married - because I never wanted to have just one.

I don''t know if extending the TTC timelime would make him more comfortable... probably. I would really be disappointed to do that but it''s something to consider. I just would really prefer to have both children before reaching 35.

 

[musey]

My FI cannot WAIT to have kids, would get me pregnant tomorrow if I'd let him. We are sooo not ready, financially or emotionally, to support a child... so it's kinda funny to see him get bit by the baby bug.

I don't have children of my own yet, but FI and I regularly babysit for a friend of ours with a 2.5 year old and one on the way. I get a kick out of seeing him around this little girl; a light goes on in him that I rarely get to see. He'll love being a father.

I can really see how your DH might be sort of embittered by having to take care of children before he was ready (and, it sounds like, NOT at all by choice). Being roped in to taking care of children is inevitably going to make the person unhappy, at least by the fact that they didn't "choose" that lifestyle.


I'd be hesitant to have a child with someone I didn't feel confident would love parenthood, but maybe I'd feel differently if my chosen partner didn't seem to be on that track.


P.S. On the other hand, the 2.5-year-old I mentioned that we babysit for--her father was NOT ready and did NOT want children, she was a surprise. But I don't think I've ever seen a better father. It all changes when it's your own, I think.

 

[Independent Gal]

You know, I think sometimes it changes and sometimes it doesn''t. There are a lot of reeeeeeally bad dads out there and a lot of resentful husbands, too. So presumably not everyone suddenly becomes a loving dad. And then there are those like musey''s pal who just sort of click on.

I guess if I were you, I''d say ''I really want 2, but let''s see how the first one goes'', and then see how the first one goes. That will likely help him relax. Then if he clicks on with the first one, you''ll know it''s a go for the second one. Otherwise? I dunno what I''d do in your shoes.

 

[Sha]

Yeah..it''s a difficult situation. I really don''t want just one child, though - It was hard enough to go from three to two, and I definitely want our child to have a sibling to grow up with. Ahhh....I think I''ll just drop the topic for a while and just enjoy the two of us until closer to October.

Musey - that was a heartening story! I really hope that''s how it turns out for us, too.