How Do You Talk About A Ring

[nowicanseethemoon]

So, here's my question (with background, of course)...

My guy and I have been together about 2 1/2 years. We're both divorced and had similar experiences with cheating spouses. But, we have a great relationship and I feel like sometimes things work out for the best, even when you can't see it when your life is falling apart. We've been talking about marriage for awhile now. It's something that's really important to me, and I think at the bottom of it all, to him too. But he's scared of failing again (which isn't how I'd characterize his marriage, but that's a whole 'nother rant) and so he's hesitant. Despite that, we're talking about it and I know we're going to take that step, it's just a question of when.

The guy is also pretty conservative. He has a great job and as we're older (in our late 30s), he has a good income and savings. He buys nice things when he spends money and has quite a collection of expensive rifles and hobby stuff. But I don't think he necessarily values jewelry. The ring he bought for his ex-wife was a basic .9ct brilliant with a couple of small side stones from Shane Co. and since I saw the receipt cost just under $7,000. A nice ring for a young couple just getting on their feet.

I don't mean to be snotty or high maintenance (and I can be that way - I like nice things), but I want something more than that. I don't expect a 5 carat flawless diamond, but I'd like a 2 carat - even if it's just in a simple solitaire setting (a LM micro pave solitaire would be my dream, but I'm willing to compromise). And I'm willing to have a diamond with a bit more color - L, M something in that range (because I actually think warmer colored diamonds are pretty). So, how do you talk to a guy who hasn't actually asked you to marry him about the fact that you've picked out exactly what you want and that while you know the price tag, even with compromises, is going to give him a cardiac episode? I don't want to be pushy, but I'm also at a point in my life where I don't want to settle any more. So, I need help from all of you wise Ladies.

Thanks for whatever advise you can give.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have to ask the obvious - have you two discussed marriage? How do those conversations go?

If it's pretty clear that you two are heading for marriage and it's just an issue of when, not if, then you just talk about it. Anything from pulling up a ring online and saying "I saw the most amazing ring today!" to doing what my husband and I did which was I asked him a budget and then I found my own ring. I can't really explain it other than when you've been together that long and if marriage is inevitible,those conversations shouldn't be hard.

If he's terrified of marriage however, lol, then ring is a little too much right now, and you'd need to have a very different talk first.

I also have to add that while its great to have a dream ring for inspiration, when truly in love, the ring should be secondary. If you want a 2 carat but he only feels like spending on a 1 carat, would you break up? I'd hope not. Rings are SOOOO expensive and he is entitled not to break the bank. You say he has a "good income" but without knowing his entire financial history and current situation, it's hard to advise whether a 2 ct. is a reasonable request or not.

 

[gem_anemone]

I think sonnyjane has hit the nail on the head!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

I have to ask the obvious - have you two discussed marriage? How do those conversations go?

If it's pretty clear that you two are heading for marriage and it's just an issue of when, not if, then you just talk about it. Anything from pulling up a ring online and saying "I saw the most amazing ring today!" to doing what my husband and I did which was I asked him a budget and then I found my own ring. I can't really explain it other than when you've been together that long and if marriage is inevitible,those conversations shouldn't be hard.

If he's terrified of marriage however, lol, then ring is a little too much right now, and you'd need to have a very different talk first.

I also have to add that while its great to have a dream ring for inspiration, when truly in love, the ring should be secondary. If you want a 2 carat but he only feels like spending on a 1 carat, would you break up? I'd hope not. Rings are SOOOO expensive and he is entitled not to break the bank. You say he has a "good income" but without knowing his entire financial history and current situation, it's hard to advise whether a 2 ct. is a reasonable request or not.

We do discuss marriage and the conversations go pretty well, but we're both scared. He's more scared than I am, but when you've had marriages fail, and fail when you didn't want them to, the risk in marriage becomes a very real thing. But more recently, we've talked more seriously about it and I think we're now at the "not if but when" point. Does that make sense?

I didn't mean to be snotty or bitchy in my question. Sorry if it came off that way. I just struggle with how to be assertive and tell him what I want without being too demanding. Because I certainly don't want to ask or expect more than he's comfortable with. At the end of the day, I'd love a beautiful ring, but I'd be ok with a plain band. The point is not the ring, but the marriage and being happy. But I struggle sometimes with saying what I want and I over think it. I just was trying to figure out how people have talked to their SOs about these kinds of things. I appreciate your input.

 

[antiquesparkler]

It could also be as simple as next time you two discuss getting engaged, let him know that you would really love to be a part of the process of choosing the ring. Make a joke about being picky.

I think once you bring it up once, it gets easier to talk about. Once you tell him you want to be a part of it (and you narrow down what kind of ring you are looking for- you don’t want to confuse him!) then I would casually show him a couple pictures once in a while of ones that you have found and really like. You can sort of gage his reaction too.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

It could also be as simple as next time you two discuss getting engaged, let him know that you would really love to be a part of the process of choosing the ring. Make a joke about being picky.

I think once you bring it up once, it gets easier to talk about. Once you tell him you want to be a part of it (and you narrow down what kind of ring you are looking for- you don’t want to confuse him!) then I would casually show him a couple pictures once in a while of ones that you have found and really like. You can sort of gage his reaction too.

Thanks for the advice. I can see that approach working, especially the picky part because he already knows that (and he'll roll his eyes and it can be a cute moment we can laugh about). I feel like I've narrowed the type/style of ring down and it's just the details (mostly the diamond details because there are so many lovely variations).

 

[antiquesparkler]

I am picky too!

I am thinking he may not have a very good perspective of diamond prices? I think I remember you saying that his ex’s ring was a .8 from Shane Company? I haven’t bought a diamond from Shane Company but I can imagine that they are more expensive than James Allen or some of the other pricescope vendors. You might be able to open his eyes to less expensive/higher quality diamond.

Who knows… he might have 3 carats in mind. You never know. But if he is anything like my SO, he sees a big diamond ring and sees big dollar signs. Also, he might realize that you would like to research and find the best bang for your buck possible and allow you to be part of the process.

 

[princesss]

I think sonnyjane has a lot of good advice.

I would also maybe have a contingency plan in case he doesn't want you involved. I was very surprised that my BF absolutely does not want me to know a thing about the ring, even knowing how picky and control freaky I am. It's really important to him to have that moment, to plan it, and to completely surprise me. It's really important to me to not always be kind of dissatisfied with my ring. So we went and looked together when he visited me, and he asked me to send him an email with examples of things I liked/didn't like (I labeled the pictures that I didn't like with "UGLY NASTY NO GOOD X" where X was the feature I didn't like - y'know, just in case) and my priorities, and to send him more pictures as I came across them. I did that for a few weeks, then it tapered off. But it works for us, and if he ends up being hesitant about you being involved, maybe pitch something like this?

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

I am picky too!

I am thinking he may not have a very good perspective of diamond prices? I think I remember you saying that his ex’s ring was a .8 from Shane Company? I haven’t bought a diamond from Shane Company but I can imagine that they are more expensive than James Allen or some of the other pricescope vendors. You might be able to open his eyes to less expensive/higher quality diamond.

Who knows… he might have 3 carats in mind. You never know. But if he is anything like my SO, he sees a big diamond ring and sees big dollar signs. Also, he might realize that you would like to research and find the best bang for your buck possible and allow you to be part of the process.

I think he sees dollar signs whenever I want anything. What can I say, I like nice things. But you make a good point in that if you know where to shop and know what you're looking for, you can do a lot better (price-wise) than he did the first time around! At this point I just got done ogling some antique diamonds and settings at Jewels by Erica Grace.

princesss I like your approach too. I think that's why I'm hesitant to be too "picky" - he's pretty traditional and I don't want to step on his toes. But he doesn't know anything to speak of about diamonds so I hope he asks for at least some guidance.

I'm going to come up with a few ideas and start trying to talk to him (without freaking him out or being pushy) and we'll see where we go from there.

 

[antiquesparkler]

Keep us posted!

 

[Chewbacca]

While we were on the topic of engagement one day I asked SO what his ideas were in regard to the ring. I asked him multiple times, and his answer wasn't always the same.

You gotta start somewhere, let us know how it goes!