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How do you say no?

CJ2008

CJ2008

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Dec 31, 2006
Messages
4,750
when someone invites you to church?

I haven''t been to church in years...it doesn''t really interest me to go (I know that sounds terrible, but it'' true). Someone I met about a year ago, whom I adore as a friend, just asked me (and I bet she''s kind of been waiting for the right time, because she''s very religious, and she has thrown hints here and there about how great her church is, etc.)...

On one hand, I think it''s a lovely gesture that she asked - on the other hand, I feel that if I had been interested in going, I''d be going, or would have shown some interest to her - and I haven''t. The one thing I know is that I don''t want to feel pressured to go...

Has this ever happened to anyone, and how did you handle it?
 
I have invited others to attend my church with me. It really is just a show of welcoming and maybe wanting you to find "the greater power." However, it would NEVER offend me if someone declined. If you don''t WANT to be there, you''re not making yourself happy or the person who extended the invitation to begin with.
 
Hmmmmm, I think I would say, "I know you are really into it and it has been wonderful for you, but it isn''t really my thing. If I change my mind I will let you know." Just keep it casual and then change the subject.
 
Date: 5/29/2010 12:07:27 PM
Author:CJ2008
when someone invites you to church?

I haven''t been to church in years...it doesn''t really interest me to go (I know that sounds terrible, but it'' true). Someone I met about a year ago, whom I adore as a friend, just asked me (and I bet she''s kind of been waiting for the right time, because she''s very religious, and she has thrown hints here and there about how great her church is, etc.)...

On one hand, I think it''s a lovely gesture that she asked - on the other hand, I feel that if I had been interested in going, I''d be going, or would have shown some interest to her - and I haven''t. The one thing I know is that I don''t want to feel pressured to go...

Has this ever happened to anyone, and how did you handle it?
Click to expand...
Why should it be terrible that you don''t want to go to church? Even people with strong spiritual lives don''t necessarily go to church, or like it.

I would just say, thank you but that you''ve been a churchgoer in the past and find that it''s really not your thing. Now, of course the real issue is if SHE will respect that and let it go. The problem is when people don''t just want to offer you the "good news", they then attempt to bludgeon you with it when you decline it. I know for me, in the past, I had a good work friend who was extremely overtly religious. Because I was very respectful of that and have modes of talking to people who are in her place religiously, I don''t think she ever really figured out that I didn''t think like her. Of course, she never ASKED outright either, which kinda bothered me. Seemed very self-centered actually. I always sensed on some level that had she ever found out what I really believed, she would have not liked me at all. (We have since lost touch I might add, although not due to any differences of opinion, just circumstance)
 
I would politely thank them for asking and tell them that it''s not something you really are interested in doing. I have been in this kind of situation, and although it is uncomfortable at times (because you don''t want to offend someone''s ideals), if you aren''t comfortable you shouldn''t compromise YOUR ideals either.
 
Decline the same way you would any other social invitation, with appreciation for the invitation and without insulting the activity. If you want to prevent all future invitations, then say so. If are just not interested in going right now, but may in the future, make that clear also. You don''t need to have a religious conversation if you are not interested in having one - don''t open it up to discussion if you don''t want to talk about it.

Good way:

Friend 1: Would you like to go to Bistro D'' Asia on Saturday?
Friend 2: Thank you for inviting me! I''d like to hang out with you, but I don''t usually like Asian food. Maybe we could play tennis on Tuesday instead.
Friend 1: great.


Bad way:

Friend 1: Would you like to go to Bistro D'' Asia on Saturday?
Friend 2: No way! I can''t stand Asian food, and it makes me sick to even look at it.
Friend 1:
32.gif


Now substitute Asian food with church, and you have your answer. If you don''t want to go ever, make that clear. If you just make a temporary excuse like, "I''ll be out of town" or "I have a lot of yardwork to do this Sunday," then she will keep inviting you.
 
I have encountered something a little different.
I do have a church affiliation but there are few
congregations in this area. I am often invited
to other denominations that are more prevalent
as though joining would somehow be an "upgrade"
to my faith.
 
She''s not pressuring you to go. She merely asked, right? You have two options. Neither option is about avoidance, or giving in; they''re about taking charge of the situation.

1) Be kind and thoughtful in your response, but say no. Tell her honestly how you feel, and she''ll probably understand.
2) What the heck? Why not go? Approach it with an open mind, and don''t go back if you don''t want to.
 
More challenging is that my fiance's parents are deeply religious. The mom has been really pushing her religion upon me and my youngest sister (my middle sister is very religious as well). While we were all baptised Catholic, one of my sisters and myself are not regular church goers. She thinks we are going to hell and keeps praying that my fiance will find his way back to church (and he is about as ethical and as good as they come). We are going to make her happy and we are getting married in a Catholic church but sometimes .. people just need to let us find our way. You can't push it upon people.
 
I'd just tell her no thanks. No need to offer an explanation, and there is nothing wrong with not going to church.

My favorite thing to tell Christians out evangelizing is that I'm Catholic. (I was raised Catholic but am not practicing.) That usually gets them to leave me alone. If they're persistent I get a little nastier, which probably makes them think I need saving even more. Oh wells! Honestly, I find it very off-putting when people evangelize to their friends.
 
I''d just say thanks, but no thanks. I''ve been invited to church by a lot of friends, and when I haven''t wanted to go that''s all I say. You don''t need to make an excuse, it''s perfectly legitimate to just not want to go.
 
thank you for inviting me. i know church is an important part of your life but my spirituality has led me in a different way. i love you, my friend!

mz
 
Nancy summed it up.

nancy_reagan2.jpg
 
There is a third option not mentioned:

Ask your friend why she invited you... Is it that she believes you would fit in at her church, is it that she is trying to convert you, etc,.... or could it be that she is going through a very difficult situation - and would like a friend with her at that church service for some reason.... (or some other reason).

I also do not normally go to church - but, I will go to support someone - even to churches and faiths that are not even close to my own.

Perry
 
Date: 5/30/2010 3:43:02 PM
Author: perry
There is a third option not mentioned:

Ask your friend why she invited you... Is it that she believes you would fit in at her church, is it that she is trying to convert you, etc,.... or could it be that she is going through a very difficult situation - and would like a friend with her at that church service for some reason.... (or some other reason).

I also do not normally go to church - but, I will go to support someone - even to churches and faiths that are not even close to my own.

Perry
Click to expand...
Perry has a great point.

I''m often invited to religious ceremonies of different faiths, and I usually go because these things interest me. I would not go if I knew someone was trying to ''convert'' me, but that''s yet to be the case.
 
Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions, everyone.

I used a combination of most your suggestions...thanked her for the invite, but told her I'm not really a church-going person, even around the holidays. But that I would keep it in mind...

She responded that she thought I would like the church because it isn't "church-y" - and that she'd love to see me there, but assured me that she would never be offended if I don't.

So it turned out great (and I'm not surprised, she really is great).

(and BTW for those of you who wondered why it was hard for me to say no, it's the anticipation that someone will be offended. I find I sometimes still have to ask for opinions first, plus it's so interesting to see all the different takes and perspectives (ETA - like Perry's point - I would have never thought of that angle!) :))
 
I just tell people that I''m not religious. Sometimes, depending on how well I know the person, I might make a joke about going to church enough for one life while in Catholic high school.
 
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