How do you know you found the right one to marry??

[AndyRosse]

LOL, okay, so I figured this was the best forum to post this in since it has to do with all you ladies (and some guys) waiting to get engaged and married!

Today one of my law school professors told us about how to make sure you marry the right partner...

She waited until our last class because she figured this might be the only thing we take out the class

LOL.

The following all comes from her experience as a single woman in the dating field, being a divorce lawyer, being a judge in divorces and other family situations, and just observing her friends and family.

She had four things to say, the first one is a bit outdated for some of us, but can still very much apply depending on your situation:

1. Can you call your partner at HOME? One of the biggest signs that a person may be cheating with or on you is when you can only call their cellphone, pager, office, or call before or after a certain time period. If you can call his/her house and hear, "Oh that's my out of town aunt/niece/cousin, don't mind her, she's just staying with me for a bit" lol, then that's not a good sign. Another test is if you are welcome to stop by his/her place unexpectedly, etc without him/her blowing up at you... Of course, like I noted above, this might be a little bit outdated, since some of us, myself included, don't even have a landline anymore!!

2. Is your partner married to his family? Kinda controversial, and varies tremendously depending on your family, but overall, if you are going to marry this person, once you guys tie the knot, you are both now your most important family. So if you partner is too attached to his/her family, i.e. still asking permission to do something when he/she is a completely grown up and moved out of the family house, etc..., you might want to resolve those issues before marriage.

3. Can your partner work? Make sure that your partner is aware that he/she must make contributions to society in order to get a steady paycheck and that is just how life is for most of us!! A partner that is only marrying you so that he/she won't have to work or work as much is not something that should be taken lightly.

4. Is your partner sane? Okay, a broad ranging question that is kinda a catch all category. Now everyone has their quirks and problems, but make sure that you are not making excuses for your partner's behavior that is simply not acceptable. Are they constantly rude with waiters even when there is nothing to complain about? How do they treat people in retail stores, waiters, people you meet in passing, etc? Are they constantly making you feel bad in order to get what they want? Do they lie or twist or leave out facts in order to be persuasive? You get my point, we're not talking about whether a person might be a bit depressed due to a loss of a job, family member, etc.

Okay, just thought I would pass along this wisdom, since who knows, this might be the most important thing I learned in law school yet!!

 

[Momoftwo]

Sorry, but that sounds more like a job interview. You just have to date someone, get to know them and trust them and chemistry helps a great deal. Don''t let anyone tell you that romance fades. I''ve been married 24 years to my college sweetheart and we still have "romance". It''s about work. The fact she''s been a divorce lawyer makes me very leery. Talk about cynical. The fact is, relationships take WORK. Here''s my wisdom, just get to know him/her and remember no one is perfect. Sounds like her philosophy is to not trust. She probably believes in prenups too. I''ve never known a marriage that had one to last. Also, key point, she''s still single. Ding, ding, ding!! I dont'' think she knows what she''s talking about. Definitely doesn''t have experience in marriage, now does she?

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 4/18/2005 10:48:32 PM
Author: Momoftwo
Sorry, but that sounds more like a job interview....It''s about work.

I have to agree with Momoftwo...My DH and I have been married almost 10 years. We still have "romance" in our relationship...is it the same type of romance from 10 years ago? No...as the relationship grows and changes, so does the level of romance and intimacy...intimacy does not directly relate to the bedroom type of intimacy, but something deeper...

In my profession, I hear so many people say their idea of a relationship is that once the wedding is over, the hard part is done...they expect all the "work" to be over and the "happily ever after" to begin...my guess is these beliefs is the reason for so many divorces. As people realize that "work" must be continual after the wedding, they become disillusioned and think that this relationship isn''t the one, resulting in divorce.

Work, trust, and communication is the secret to "romance" and "intimacy." It is the basis of any relationship... Just my $0.02.

 

[appletini]

Well I''m not married, but how did I know my man is the one? He makes me laugh, we bring out the best in each other, we have the best time doing everything and nothing. As much as we love to be together, we understand the importance of still maintaining our own identity. Also I never wanted kids before, but someday (5-10 years from now) I definitely want to be the mother of his children.

Also when we had been dating for 6 months we went to a marriage survival skills class at my church, he actually didn''t whine too much about having to go, and realized that we were in agreement with everything that was said to keep a healthy marriage.

A relationship can''t be put on cruise control, communication is important, and both people need to make the effort to keep up the sparks and let the other one know how special they are.

 

[ky6]

I am very curious as to what class this was. I am a lawyer and had my own divorce practice for about three years before moving onto what I do now (child welfare). As my bf will tell you- practicing family law, focusing on divorce, does tend to make you look at relationships with a bit more cynicism, but I am really surprised at some of the things your prof is passing off to you all as wisdom. These seem to be taken from her more extreme cases (you would not believe what divorce does to people). Anyhow, seems out of the scope of a family law class. While I agree with your prof that some of these things are important to note in a potential partner, I hope that one considers these issues long before getting into a serious relationship with anyone. Anyhow, this is not an attack- just my $.02- sounds like your professor should be writing an article for Cosmo or something.

btw, good luck in law school- i am guessing if you are taking a family law course, then you are just finishing up your first year. The worst is behind you now

 

[appletini]

My BF and I both come from divorced parents, but I think that has enabled us to really know what we want in a marriage, and has allowed us not to settle in past relationships.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 4/18/2005 10:48:32 PM
Author: Momoftwo
The fact is, relationships take WORK.

Watching my paternal grandparents in their 50+ year successful marriage and my parents in their failed 17 year marriage, as well as experiencing my own 7.5 year dating relationship with my FH, relationships DEFINITELY take a lot of work. However, the ones that last are ones where both partners WANT to work at it and are happy to work at the relationship. Yes, there is work involved, but you both have to believe the other person is well-worth the effort. And that''s romantic.

Momoftwo - I''m concerned that you are discounting this law school professor''s advice simply because she is unmarried and a divorce lawyer. Of course she is biased, as we all are, but try not to be too judgemental, she does have some good points (i.e. recognizing some of the most common relational warning signals). Sometimes wisdom comes not only from those who have lived it but also from those who have witnessed it. I learned a lot about relationships from watching my parents'' marriage dissolve, for example, and it has served me well in my relationship with FH. All of my friends come to me for relationship advice, and I have only had one relationship in my life!

 

[NoonersMom]

Hmmm, while this may be dispensed as wisdom, this seems more like dating qualifiers. Some of these items just seem like common sense before jumping into a relationship with someone and being particular. I used to be the type that was attracted to the bad boys or the men that weren''t good for me. We could have a great time together and truly connected, but when it came down to it, they lacked certain qualities that I felt were important or that I needed. It takes more than just a great conversation & a great laugh to make things last.

Again, just my $.02. We''ll see how things turn out once I am married. LOL.

 

[windy1365]

I know that I am with the right man that I want to marry because he is the first guy who I have dated that didn''t try to change me as a person. He accepts who I am and doesn''t judge me.

I''m not going to change... so if someone is trying to change my personality, it is always going to be a struggle.

 

[northstar_78]

The first time I was asked this question was at a friend''s wedding. I thought about it for a bit and here''s my original response.

"I know he''s the right one because I want to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and find him beside me."

I''ll add that he''s the one I want to spend time with, he''s thoughtful, kind, and caring.

We''ve been through our ups and downs in our lives but he''s never let me down.

We talk about everything.

We share everything; food at resteraunts, similar goals in life, dreams...

 

[Momoftwo]

Date: 4/19/2005 11:19:55 AM
Author: JCJD

Date: 4/18/2005 10:48:32 PM
Author: Momoftwo
The fact is, relationships take WORK.

Watching my paternal grandparents in their 50+ year successful marriage and my parents in their failed 17 year marriage, as well as experiencing my own 7.5 year dating relationship with my FH, relationships DEFINITELY take a lot of work. However, the ones that last are ones where both partners WANT to work at it and are happy to work at the relationship. Yes, there is work involved, but you both have to believe the other person is well-worth the effort. And that's romantic.

Momoftwo - I'm concerned that you are discounting this law school professor's advice simply because she is unmarried and a divorce lawyer. Of course she is biased, as we all are, but try not to be too judgemental, she does have some good points (i.e. recognizing some of the most common relational warning signals). Sometimes wisdom comes not only from those who have lived it but also from those who have witnessed it. I learned a lot about relationships from watching my parents' marriage dissolve, for example, and it has served me well in my relationship with FH. All of my friends come to me for relationship advice, and I have only had one relationship in my life!

Okay, I've been married happily 24 years so I know of what I speak. I think she's off her rocker. She's extremely biased and the issues she brought up are not what you traditionally hear from anyone in couples or premarital counseling. #1 sounds like someone involved with someone who's already married. #2 is dependent on a lot of things, cultural, age, etc. Also sounds like jealousy of family relationships. #3 Contribution to society? Sounds like what you ask someone just released from prison. #4 Sane? A lot of people have mental health issues and most are minor, and a lot have none, but why is that included? That seems like a really strange one.

These are really weird things to ask unless you've been screwed over by a married man, with mother issues, who is unemployed and mentally ill. Think about it.

This is not wisdom, this is a view of a cynical woman who has been used and abused by a manipulative, married man. Ask her.

BTW, my grand parents were married 50 years (both sets) and my and my dh's parents are fast approaching that number. Both my sisters have been married for more than 15 years and my aunts and uncles have been married 40+ years. Marrriage is work pure and simple and it's a choice to love someone. That's why after 28 years with my DH and 24 years married we are still very, very happy. I think I speak from experience.

My requirements would be:

#1 How does he treat his family and friends?

#2 Is he there for you?

#3 Is he a responsible adult?

#4 Does he love you and put you first?

#5 Does he want children? Do you?

#6 How is he with money?

#7 Do you see a future with him?

#8(should be #1) Do you share the same religious faith?

These are typical questions. Not the crap that "professor" put forward.

 

[MissAva]

Okay I know this is going to be contraversal but I think there are things that can be great indicators
1) Are you both of the same faith? (I mean Christian, Jewish, Muslim, not methodist vs baptist)
2)Do you come from similiar socioeconmic backgrounds, do you both want to be in the same group?
3) Do you have similair educational backgrounds?
I belive it would be possible to get past one of these things but it seems like not having these basic things in common would affect any realtionship negativly since these are the three things that really determien basic opinions. I hope I havent upset anyone. I imagine someone will post that they have none of three together and are still happy...like I said these are guide not hard and fast rules.

 

[elepri]

Hmm, I can definitely think of many happy couples who don't share the same religion, socioecon. background or educational level although I'm sure it helps if you do. Of those 3, the first and last seem more important to me, I don't think it matters much what background you come from if you share current economic goals. As far as religion, I'd imagine it only matters if religion plays a big role in one's life, many people are so marginally religious that I don't know if it matters, as long as the level of religiousity is similar. Fiance and I share a complete lack of religious beliefs, which also helps even though our religious backgrounds are very different.

 

[hopefulbutpoor]

Just had to add my $.02: My parents have been happily married for 27 years and they come from different religious backgrounds - same deal for my bf''s parents except they''ve been married over 30 years. . .My mom is Jewish and my dad is Catholic - my brother and I were raised as Jews, but sometimes holidays in my house are a bit odd: a menorah in the kitchen and a Christmas tree in the living room! I wouldn''t trade it for anything though. . .and even though my boyfriend and I are both Jewish, I plan to always have a Christmas tree - it doesn''t have religious connotations for me - it is more traditionally connected to my family and good memories. . .besides I have great Jewish star ornaments!

 

[NoonersMom]

Just another $.02 to add.....

Momoftwo...I''m right there with you. As I stated before, some of these seem like dating qualifiers & not advice for marriage.

It also comes down to communication skills, belief systems, acceptance and the ability to be open minded. If you have good communication skills & are opened minded, you can navigate individual differences. Sometimes exact opposites fall for each other or two very strong/dynamic personalities fall head over heels in love. Or two people may be on opposite ends of the religious spectrum (my bf''s hindu, I''m spiritual). While you may believe in your faith, you can also be open to learning about the other''s faith & finding out what''s special about it & why they believe so strongly in it.

Regarding religion, in our instance, to each his own. Our kids will be raised with an appreciation for both. I love him & his religioius belief system is very much a strong part of who he is. Why wouldn''t I want share that part of him down with our children? However, this wouldn''t work if we didn''t communicate our thoughts/feelings/beliefs & if we weren''t open minded. It''s a balancing act.

Take it for what it''s worth.

Ohh, one last thought....when a couple that has been married for 60+ years was asked what was the secret, they responded "We didn''t fall out of love with each other at the same time". I thought that was pretty powerful. Food for thought.

 

[goldengirl]

I actually think this is the only time I have ever agreed with MomofTwo.

But yes, that does rather sound like a laundry list of dating requirements... I mean, if you''ve been with someone for five years and you can''t call them at home, you''ve got bigger problems than a potential cheater.

MomofTwo''s list was much better.

I also liked what NoonersMom said... I''ve read that about the old couple and I thought it was sweet too.

But it''s totally true.. marriage IS work, and a happy, lengthy marriage isn''t just going to "happen" without some effort. That couple resolved that when one started behaving in a way that was detrimental to a successful marriage, the other would help bring them back around... instead of acting from hurt or anger, they would act only through love. It''s not reasonable to expect a relationship to never have its downs, but if you vow to love and respect each other, and can keep that foremost in your mind, I truly believe most issues can be resolved.

My yahoo profile quote:

"A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences." --Dave Meurer

 

[sparklish]

I think the listing is kinda common sense, but then again, law shows you that lots of people don't have common sense! (That's the one thing I got out of law school this year...)

For me, there's only one question that needs to be addressed in figuring out whether someone is right for you... do you like yourself MORE when you're around your partner?

I've been in a bunch of relationships, and thought I was in love a few times. But there are very few people for whom I could give an UNQUALIFIED yes. I might have been able to say, most of the time, or yes except for when I think about this. But when you have the TOTAL yes, then it's meant to be. My motto: don't settle for less than the yes!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 4/26/2005 1:30

2 PM
Author: sparklish
For me, there''s only one question that needs to be addressed in figuring out whether someone is right for you... do you like yourself MORE when you''re around your partner?

Ohhhh...sparklish...I think you''re on to something here!!! This is a great question!!!!

 

[FireGoddess]

As predicted by Matadora, there would at least be someone that didn't match her list but would be perfectly happy...and the first one to pipe up is me.

DH and I do not share the same religion (though we are not devoutly practicing either on our own - he is Muslim and I am Christian), we do not come from the same socioeconomic background (though we both aspire to land in a higher one!), and we come from very different educational backgrounds (I have a PhD, he is not a college graduate). There are extenuating circumstances in his life that explain the apparent disparity, but the point is that we have the utmost respect for each other, appreciation for what each of us have overcome to land where we are now, and a mutual love and admiration of each other. I really think that the one thing above all that is important is respect. Differences will always exist (some we relish, some we don't), but it is how we treat each other in the face of these differences that determines the outcome. I have even seen marriages between two people of VERY different political views stay happily married...to me, that's a feat!!

 

[sparklish]

Date: 4/26/2005 1:48:47 PM
Author: AChiOAlumna

Date: 4/26/2005 1:30

2 PM
Author: sparklish
For me, there's only one question that needs to be addressed in figuring out whether someone is right for you... do you like yourself MORE when you're around your partner?

Ohhhh...sparklish...I think you're on to something here!!! This is a great question!!!!

Thank you!!!

I still remember that lightbulb moment when I realised that my current guy actually mellows out my edges and makes me someone I really like... I think I do the same for him. It was such a difference from my prior guys who were great people (well... mostly

) and interesting, but who really didn't bring out the best in me (nor me in them.)

 

[onedrop]

Firegoddess: Your situation is extremely interesting, and I mean that in a good way. Many times people focus on the differences and not the similarities. Reading your post made me think about how important it is to understand where another person comes from. Someone can seem so different from you for various reasons, but when you sit down and find out what their story is, the similarities become more and more obvious, and then understanding grows, and then a great relationship can follow.

Sparklish: I totally agree with your statement about feeling like a better person around your S.O. That is so key!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 4/26/2005 6:16:15 PM
Author: onedrop
Firegoddess: Your situation is extremely interesting, and I mean that in a good way. Many times people focus on the differences and not the similarities. Reading your post made me think about how important it is to understand where another person comes from. Someone can seem so different from you for various reasons, but when you sit down and find out what their story is, the similarities become more and more obvious, and then understanding grows, and then a great relationship can follow.

I really appreciate your comments Onedrop, and am glad my post got you thinking along the lines you are. Someone on this board has a great sigfile that I just love..."Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle" and it''s just so true. My husband fled his homeland - a place where he was forbidden to speak his native language, treated worse than animals, and far worse than I would speak of here. Imagine going to school one day and finding out that all classes are taught in Portugese. And you only speak English. While not the same languages in question, these are things he has had to deal with. He''s lived with military tanks rolling down the streets...so is he less smart than me because I have an advanced degree?! While I''ve had to work for what I''ve accomplished every step of the way, I didn''t have to fear for my life at any point either. It''s all about perspective. He has the kindest, gentlest heart of anyone I''ve ever met, in spite of all the things he''s had to go through in his life...and once you see a person for who they really are inside, and the way they adore and treat you, and make you feel about yourself and about life in general...all those differences seem so insignificant.

 

[MissAva]

Sparklish that was a great question! And you are 100% right.

 

[onedrop]

Firegoddess: I wish you the best in your marriage. You all can certain learn from each other! And in the process of you relating your story I learned something. PS is apparently about more than just diamonds!!

 

[AmberGretchen]

I would agree with momoftwo and sparklish, however, not about the religion issue. At the moment, my FI is not associated with any religion, although he was raised Catholic and is thinking of converting to Judaism, and I am Jewish. We have had many wonderful, open, mutually educational conversations about religion and these have strengthened our relationship. And I definitely agree with Sparklish - I truly feel like I am honest and the best version of myself around my FI, but not someone I''m not (kind of awkward phrasing I know, but anyone who has been in a relationship with someone who put them on a pedestal will understand).

I would also add one more way to think of this: I knew when I realized that my FI is my best friend. Even though I still use that phrase to describe the two people who have filled that role in my life since I was 12, at some point I realized that my FI was the person I wanted to tell things to first - whether they were triumphs or sadnesses or just little things that had made me laugh during the day. So I think that that could serve as another thing to think about: whether this person is, in all senses of the word, your best friend.

 

[NoonersMom]

FG - You and your DH sound incredibly fascinating. It gave me chills to read about your DH''s background. I can''t imagine living in a war torn area or the feeling of having tanks as an every day part of life. What is even more amazing is that through it all he kept his faith and doesn''t harbor any side effects of such an ordeal. Truly remarkable.

FYI....Blue Chica uses that quote. How true! BTW...where is she these days?