How do you handle unsolicited advice from family?

[Arcadian]

oooo see I'm kind of an ******* about it. My friends know better...because I will honestly ask them what degree's do they have that they can actually tell me how to spend my money and if they have one, ask them how come they're not doing a better job with their own. My feeling is this; if you're not sticking stacks in my hand, you have no business telling me what to do. You're not my real dad!

A friends new boyfriend got the shock of his life when he wanted to give me of all people financial advice.

I stuck my hand out and said "100 dollars please". He asked why. I said, "because I need to be paid to listen to that bullshit".

And please don't let it be a relative that doesn't have a pot to piss in. You guys get to see Nice Arcadian.

 

[MamaBee]

I haven’t read all the responses but your question prompted me to address this behavior with my sister this morning as it had been bothering me since New Years. On New Years I hosted a brunch. She and her husband insisted for a good 10 minutes that it was time to put my dog to sleep! I never asked! It’s true that my 13 year old is elderly, but my hubby has enough experience to know when euthanasia is right. Well. Just bc she’s elderly and was having a bad day, she and her husband vehemently insisted that we are in denial and that she should be put to sleep. At the time, since I was hosting a brunch, I tried to remain civil. But. She made a snyde remark about my dog last week! And I let it go for the sake of civility. So after reading this post I texted her and told her that I was done with her insults and that an apology would be nice. Crickets.
All this to say that maybe I will have advice for you In a few days.

Oh @nala I’m so mad for you! I don’t know if I would have had the restraint you had. I’m really good at keeping it in but if you say something bad about my children, my husband, or dog..watch out..

 

[nala]

Wow Nala, that is really out of bounds! I would never suggest to another person to have their dog put down. Be at peace that your sister is clueless. And say something like that decision is between me, my husband and our vet, and I do not recall asking for your unsolicited advice.

That was my exact responSe at the time. Very calmly. But they kept insisting and insisting vehemently! At some point they stopped listening to me so I walked away.

 

[missy]

oooo see I'm kind of an ******* about it. My friends know better...because I will honestly ask them what degree's do they have that they can actually tell me how to spend my money and if they have one, ask them how come they're not doing a better job with their own. My feeling is this; if you're not sticking stacks in my hand, you have no business telling me what to do. You're not my real dad!

A friends new boyfriend got the shock of his life when he wanted to give me of all people financial advice.

I stuck my hand out and said "100 dollars please". He asked why. I said, "because I need to be paid to listen to that bullshit".

And please don't let it be a relative that doesn't have a pot to piss in. You guys get to see Nice Arcadian.

Haha love it. And we all have a nice and not so nice side...

#truth #authentic #real

 

[missy]

I haven’t read all the responses but your question prompted me to address this behavior with my sister this morning as it had been bothering me since New Years. On New Years I hosted a brunch. She and her husband insisted for a good 10 minutes that it was time to put my dog to sleep! I never asked! It’s true that my 13 year old is elderly, but my hubby has enough experience to know when euthanasia is right. Well. Just bc she’s elderly and was having a bad day, she and her husband vehemently insisted that we are in denial and that she should be put to sleep. At the time, since I was hosting a brunch, I tried to remain civil. But. She made a snyde remark about my dog last week! And I let it go for the sake of civility. So after reading this post I texted her and told her that I was done with her insults and that an apology would be nice. Crickets.
All this to say that maybe I will have advice for you In a few days.

Oh no they didn't.

I would have let it fly because when it comes to my furry babies no one and I mean no one would I tolerate that rude and uncaring and insensitive behavior from grrrrrr. @nala I am so angry for you right now!!!

Brunch or no brunch I might have just thrown them out of the freaking house if they continued to insist about putting your sweet dog down. I cannot even express how angry I am on your behalf at this moment.

 

[nala]

Oh no they didn't.

I would have let it fly because when it comes to my furry babies no one and I mean no one would I tolerate that rude and uncaring and insensitive behavior from grrrrrr. @nala I am so angry for you right now!!!

Brunch or no brunch I might have just thrown them out of the freaking house if they continued to insist about putting your sweet dog down. I cannot even express how angry I am on your behalf at this moment.

Ty for your support. Do you know what made things worse is that they said this in front of my older brother and niece and they also have an elderly fur baby. They remained silent while this was happening and it made me upset that they didn’t rush to our defense. But maybe they were just as disturbed.

 

[missy]

Ty for your support. Do you know what made things worse is that they said this in front of my older brother and niece and they also have an elderly fur baby. They remained silent while this was happening and it made me upset that they didn’t rush to our defense. But maybe they were just as disturbed.

I am so sorry @nala
And again, this is why I prefer animals to (most) people.

 

[MarionC]

Ty for your support. Do you know what made things worse is that they said this in front of my older brother and niece and they also have an elderly fur baby. They remained silent while this was happening and it made me upset that they didn’t rush to our defense. But maybe they were just as disturbed.

Where do people get off! Telling pet owners what to do is so personal. I had an EX friend in France telling me to “just euthanize” a pet because it was old. Turns out she had her older horses put down so she could move to France because the “horses would die anyway”.
The woman was a doctor! Talk about kindness and compassion. Bah humbug.

 

[missy]

@nala I hope your sweet furry boy is feeling better by the way.

 

[missy]

Where do people get off! Telling pet owners what to do is so personal. I had an EX friend in France telling me to “just euthanize” a pet because it was old. Turns out she had her older horses put down so she could move to France because the “horses would die anyway”.
The woman was a doctor! Talk about kindness and compassion. Bah humbug.

And those people have NO business having furbabies as part of their family. NO business at all.

 

[Arcadian]

I haven’t read all the responses but your question prompted me to address this behavior with my sister this morning as it had been bothering me since New Years. On New Years I hosted a brunch. She and her husband insisted for a good 10 minutes that it was time to put my dog to sleep! I never asked! It’s true that my 13 year old is elderly, but my hubby has enough experience to know when euthanasia is right. Well. Just bc she’s elderly and was having a bad day, she and her husband vehemently insisted that we are in denial and that she should be put to sleep. At the time, since I was hosting a brunch, I tried to remain civil. But. She made a snyde remark about my dog last week! And I let it go for the sake of civility. So after reading this post I texted her and told her that I was done with her insults and that an apology would be nice. Crickets.
All this to say that maybe I will have advice for you In a few days.

WHHAAAAATTT?!?!?!?!?! I would not have been able to keep it together and she would not be in my house. I'm sorry your sister is like that.

 

[MarionC]

And those people have NO business having furbabies as part of their family. NO business at all.

I’m sorry I posted this. It was bad enough that I knew about it : (

 

[Austina]

I’m horrified that someone, let alone your sister would say that to you @nala. I think my response would have been to show them the door. We all do what’s best for our furries, and when we know the time is right, not anyone else.

I’m absolutely @Jimmianne, that woman didn’t deserve to have such noble creatures with that attitude.

 

[nala]

@nala I hope your sweet furry boy is feeling better by the way.

Thank you! Yes. She is doing well. She has good days and bad days, but mostly good days!

 

[lyra]

Outlive them. This strategy has ups and downs, but it absolutely works.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I haven’t read all the responses but your question prompted me to address this behavior with my sister this morning as it had been bothering me since New Years. On New Years I hosted a brunch. She and her husband insisted for a good 10 minutes that it was time to put my dog to sleep! I never asked! It’s true that my 13 year old is elderly, but my hubby has enough experience to know when euthanasia is right. Well. Just bc she’s elderly and was having a bad day, she and her husband vehemently insisted that we are in denial and that she should be put to sleep. At the time, since I was hosting a brunch, I tried to remain civil. But. She made a snyde remark about my dog last week! And I let it go for the sake of civility. So after reading this post I texted her and told her that I was done with her insults and that an apology would be nice. Crickets.
All this to say that maybe I will have advice for you In a few days.

I really feel this
Those cutting snide remarks - they think they are so clever and maybe even that we are too dumb to pick up on it
So good for you !
And i hope your dog is having a few more better days of late
my inlaws (BILs & SILs) are very opinionated, bar one brother thankfully, but Gary's little brother especially
And im the youngest by a long shot
id love to tell them to mind their own (insert multible swear words) bussiness but i grin and bear it
Thankfully Gary's children and their partners are not like this
Your an inspiration Nala

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Funny, the money part isn’t the worst, it’s them giving suggestions about projects. My goal of a project is to have something to do...just the way I like it. Other people want to get to the results. I am more about creative process. If I wanted instant results, I would hire someone.

Maybe tell them just this. In those exact words.

I'm guilty of not having realized that that a friend just wanted to vent before.
I'm a problem solver. So I kept trying to find solutions. She kept complaining. I found her whiny and unreasonable, she found me cold and unempathetic. We had an argument. Fortunately we both realised where the problem was and solved the issue. (Don't judge me too much, it as about her new CAR, I didn't quite capture that she didn't want any technical or financial advice, but buy emotionally).
Once the expectations were clear , the problem was gone.

 

[nala]

Where do people get off! Telling pet owners what to do is so personal. I had an EX friend in France telling me to “just euthanize” a pet because it was old. Turns out she had her older horses put down so she could move to France because the “horses would die anyway”.
The woman was a doctor! Talk about kindness and compassion. Bah humbug.

I’m just speechless! I’m glad she is your EX! Friend!

 

[kenny]

My kids seem to think that my finances and my pet projects are a family affair. I try to be gentle with them, but resent having to deal with it.
Maybe it’s karma from all those years of trying to run their lives when they were littlle LOL

Stop being gentle with them.
That can spoil kids, and adults.
It lowering their ethics by teaching they can get away with stuff they shouldn't do to you.

Tell them to mind their own business.
Their resentment is their problem.
There is cause and effect, but there is no scientific evidence for the existence of so-called karma, or for any supernatural anything.

Let's call a spade a spade; they're guilting you.
Guilt is a filthy thing.
Don't let yourself be guilted by other's or by those unmentionable institutions.

Guilt is used widely used by people and institutions to manipulate and control people, to their benefit.
When this guilt crap gets indoctrinated into us as children it's hard to recognize it, let alone free and clense yourself of it's destructive power.

Stand up for yourself.

 

[MarionC]

Stop being gentle with them.
That can spoil kids, and adults.
It lowering their ethics by teaching they can get away with stuff they shouldn't do to you.

Tell them to mind their own business.
Their resentment is their problem.
There is cause and effect, but there is no scientific evidence for the existence of so-called karma, or for any supernatural anything.

Let's call a spade a spade; they're guilting you.
Guilt is a filthy thing.
Don't let yourself be guilted by other's or by those unmentionable institutions.

Guilt is used widely used by people and institutions to manipulate and control people, to their benefit.
When this guilt crap gets indoctrinated into us as children it's hard to recognize it, let alone free and clense yourself of it's destructive power.

Stand up for yourself.

Stop being gentle with them.
That can spoil kids, and adults.
It lowering their ethics by teaching they can get away with stuff they shouldn't do to you.

Tell them to mind their own business.
Their resentment is their problem.
There is cause and effect, but there is no scientific evidence for the existence of so-called karma, or for any supernatural anything.

Let's call a spade a spade; they're guilting you.
Guilt is a filthy thing.
Don't let yourself be guilted by other's or by those unmentionable institutions.

Guilt is used widely used by people and institutions to manipulate and control people, to their benefit.
When this guilt crap gets indoctrinated into us as children it's hard to recognize it, let alone free and clense yourself of it's destructive power.

Stand up for yourself.
[/QUOTE]

I just bought a walled garden as a personal project and the ancient stones are in need of straightening and repointing. My kids wondered why I didn’t use some of my money to repair the walls.
Sorry, what are you talking about?

 

[lyra]

I read it as your "parents" were criticizing you @Jimmianne . No, you definitely don't want to outlive your kids, so sorry! My parents were super supportive of us, but they both died young. His parents and family have always been critical of us. Our kids are grown, and as adults they support us completely. Living away from his family has been the best and worst thing. Less pressure, just as much criticism of absolutely everything and we're almost 60! Ugh.

 

[kenny]

I just bought a walled garden as a personal project and the ancient stones are in need of straightening and repointing. My kids wondered why I didn’t use some of my money to repair the walls.
Sorry, what are you talking about?

Sorry if I offended.
I didn't read the whole thread.
My response was only to what you wrote in your OP.

 

[MarionC]

Sorry if I offended.
I didn't read the whole thread.
My response was only to what you wrote in your OP.

Ah yes. My situation is a bit more complicated than the simplistic version I wrote, but fortunately not as dire as you thought!
But thank you for being upset for me.

 

[mrs-b]

@Jimmianne - walled garden - oooooh! I have no suggestions about your kids, but I'd LOVE to see some photos, dodgy walls and all! Sounds wonderful!

@nala - my dog was the love of my life. About 15 years ago my in-laws came from Australia to visit us where we were living in New York. We were having a party for 40 or so people for my husband's birthday and the day before my MIL and I were prepping in the kitchen. My then 9 month old dog (who was a setter, so long and tall even at 9 months) stood up on his back legs and put his front paws on the counter to see what his mom (me) and the guest-lady were doing in his kitchen where his dinner was usualy made. In his experience, my extended presence in the kitchen normally bode well for young dogs! My mother in law smacked his face and told him to get down.

I saw red. I took a deep breath and said, very quietly, very slowly, very controlled, but COMPLETELY enraged - "We don't smack the puppy. We. Don't. EVER. Smack. The. Puppy." She started sputtering and explaining but I cut her off and said to her that this was my dog's home and - were she not comfortable with him - she and her husband might like to find somewhere else to stay. Immediately.

As for conversations about putting him to sleep? That would have been a one way ticket to the door - probably for all time. As it was, she and my FIL were out here 2 or 3 years ago and left the dogs in the living room with a large pile of fruitcake (grapes being the most toxic of all foods for dogs, apart from acetaminophen). I caught it just before the dogs ate it. Needless to say, their email, received only yesterday, telling us they would be coming to visit this year, was met with a reply email suggesting a number of pleasant nearby hotels.

 

[MarionC]

@Jimmianne - walled garden - oooooh! I have no suggestions about your kids, but I'd LOVE to see some photos, dodgy walls and all! Sounds wonderful!

@nala - my dog was the love of my life. About 15 years ago my in-laws came from Australia to visit us where we were living in New York. We were having a party for 40 or so people for my husband's birthday and the day before my MIL and I were prepping in the kitchen. My then 9 month old dog (who was a setter, so long and tall even at 9 months) stood up on his back legs and put his front paws on the counter to see what his mom (me) and the guest-lady were doing in his kitchen where his dinner was usualy made. In his experience, my extended presence in the kitchen normally bode well for young dogs! My mother in law smacked his face and told him to get down.

I saw red. I took a deep breath and said, very quietly, very slowly, very controlled, but COMPLETELY enraged - "We don't smack the puppy. We don't EVER smack the puppy." She started sputtering and explaining but I cut her off and said to her that this was my dog's home and - were she not comfortable with him - she and her husband might like to find somewhere else to stay. Immediately.

As for conversations about putting him to sleep? That would have been a one way ticket to the door - probably for all time. As it was, she and my FIL were out here 2 or 3 years ago and left the dogs in the living room with a large pile of fruitcake (grapes being the most toxic of all foods for dogs, apart from acetaminophen). I caught it just before the dogs ate it. Needless to say, their email, received only yesterday, telling us they would be coming to visit this year, was met with a reply email suggesting a number of pleasant nearby hotels.

Omg.

As for the garden, hopefully it will be magical someday. It’s a ton of work to bring back to life as it was overgrown with trees and weeds. It’s my special, personal place which is why I flip my out when my kids say they’ve been up there thinking of things “we” will do with it. LOL

Here’s a before and after of last years’ project.

 

[mrs-b]

Omg.

As for the garden, hopefully it will be magical someday. It’s a ton of work to bring back to life as it was overgrown with trees and weeds. It’s my special, personal place which is why I flip my out when my kids say they’ve been up there thinking of things “we” will do with it. LOL

Here’s a before and after of last years’ project.

Thsi is incredible! How do you get a piece of land like this? I've never seen an opportunity like this in the US and I'd LOVE it! Are you in the UK, @Jimmianne ?

 

[junebug17]

Wow, what a transformation already @Jimmianne, it looks great so far!

I think in this particular case I would just tell them what you've told us here, as @kipari suggested. That you are enjoying the process, this is your special and personal place, and you're going to do things your way. If you don't say something they'll just keep offering suggestions. It sounds like they're excited about your project and are trying to "help"...but that doesn't make it any less annoying LOL. You could also just keep politely shooting down their suggestions but that could get old after a while and cause more stress for you.

Sorry you're dealing with this...it can feel awkward and a bit stressful setting up boundaries with family members. I struggle with that myself!

 

[MarionC]

I guess no one realized the potential. It was so covered in briars and trees than even I didn’t know quite what was there.
I bought it for the view and almost backed out on the sale when the owners bushhogged it the week before the closing
and I fully realized the amount work of involved. Definitely a labor of love. It’s in France.
Here’s the neighbors’ garden up above me. All that plant debris in the first photo was from them throwing their weeds down the hill for years lol


And here I am on the dirt pile. I spent last summer going through it for rocks, glass and old building debris. The whole property had to be scraped with a bulldozer. The pile almost flat now, and my arms are in great shape LOL



June, thank you for understanding. I love their enthusiasm but I will have to explain. I get triggered when they send me unwanted suggestions and I have to learn to relax.
Of course I am very aware that I may need their help with it when it’s done, but I don’t want their input during the design phase. It’s where I dream.
My big wonderful family lives and works together, and the concept of me wanting this to myself is odd to them I am sure. I’m a bit of a loner, but currently undercover. Lol
Looks like I have totally hijacked this thread...

 

[missy]

I guess no one realized the potential. It was so covered in briars and trees than even I didn’t know quite what was there.
I bought it for the view and almost backed out on the sale when the owners bushhogged it the week before the closing
and I fully realized the amount work of involved. Definitely a labor of love. It’s in France.
Here’s the neighbors’ garden up above me. All that plant debris in the first photo was from them throwing their weeds down the hill for years lol


And here I am on the dirt pile I spent last summer going through it for rocks, glass and old buidling debris. The whole property had to be scraped with a bulldozer. The pile almost flat now, and my arms are in great shape LOL



June, thank you for understanding. I love their enthusiasm but I will have to explain. I get triggered when they send me unwanted suggestions and I have to learn to relax.
Of course I am very aware that I may need their help with it when it’s done, but I don’t want their input during the design phase. It’s where I dream.
My big wonderful family lives and works together, and the concept of me wanting this to myself is odd to them I am sure. I’m a bit of a loner, but currently undercover. Lol
Looks like I have totally hijacked this thread...

This is your dream @Jimmianne and you look so happy and beautiful here. And it’s also your thread to threadjack so please dream away. ❤❤❤

 

[MarionC]

Thank you Missy. You are wonderful.