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How do you handle unsolicited advice from family?

M

MarionC

Ideal_Rock
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Joined
Dec 9, 2013
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My kids seem to think that my finances and my pet projects are a family affair. I try to be gentle with them, but resent having to deal with it.
Maybe it’s karma from all those years of trying to run their lives when they were littlle LOL
 
Jimmianne said:
My kids seem to think that my finances and my pet projects are a family affair. I try to be gentle with them, but resent having to deal with it.
Maybe it’s karma from all those years of trying to run their lives when they were littlle LOL
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@Jimmianne My approach is to smile..Tell them I love them sooooo much...Give them a hug and walk away...:lol:
 
Yeah. Same as Joanne. Thanks but no thank you. MYOB.
Sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m pissed off for you. :x2


And it’s not karma. You took great care of them when they were little. They were little and needed your guidance. You’re a grown woman. Intelligent and savvy. And it is your money. I hope they remember that. You’re so generous with them I fear they might need reminding.
 
@Jimmianne My kids never mention money but they do like to insert their opinion on other things..
I have a friend that had that problem...She decided that the next time they said something about how she was spending her money..she told them that she was going to die with two dimes in the bank over enough to get her in the best care facility...They looked like they were going to have a stroke...but they shut
up after that...True story! She’s very quiet so coming from her was powerful..because she said it in her quiet voice so they think she meant it..haha
 
It’s so difficult. I have this in the opposite direction, my mother still thinks it’s fair game to comment on nearly every aspect of my life. Many of her sentences in our conversations start “You should.....” I really don’t know how to tackle it, she’s done a lot for me and still helps me out. But I’m 52. I wish we could develop a more equal relationship based on mutual respect.

I expect as the parent in the situation you can just tell the kids to butt out in a cheery manner then change the subject! Are they worried you’re spending their inheritance, or something?
 
My kids don't comment too much. We have been really cutting back the last few months because when retirement kicks in we will have a few months with a very limited income. So we have been saying, 'we cant afford that right now' a lot. We have always been generous with our kids and I find it hard to cut back on that even though they are so old now. It's been a step by step process for me. I find one thing at a time and say to myself, 'ok, not doing that anymore'.
 
luv2sparkle said:
My kids don't comment too much. We have been really cutting back the last few months because when retirement kicks in we will have a few months with a very limited income. So we have been saying, 'we cant afford that right now' a lot. We have always been generous with our kids and I find it hard to cut back on that even though they are so old now. It's been a step by step process for me. I find one thing at a time and say to myself, 'ok, not doing that anymore'.
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If this helps you at all I’ll share my experience. My parents have always been super generous with us. Always. Now they are running out of money. And so have pared down. And I’ve been asking them to stop being so generous with us for years and years. Finally they have slowed down and I’m relieved. Now it is our turn to help them and be generous with them. And I’m so thankful for the opportunity. My parents gave us a wonderful childhood and adulthood too and now it is our turn. As I am sure your kids feel too. Don’t feel sad about cutting back as I’m confident your kids are so thankful having you as their parents and now let them be there for you.
 
Snowdrop13 said:
It’s so difficult. I have this in the opposite direction, my mother still thinks it’s fair game to comment on nearly every aspect of my life. Many of her sentences in our conversations start “You should.....” I really don’t know how to tackle it, she’s done a lot for me and still helps me out. But I’m 52. I wish we could develop a more equal relationship based on mutual respect.

I expect as the parent in the situation you can just tell the kids to butt out in a cheery manner then change the subject! Are they worried you’re spending their inheritance, or something?
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Lol not quite, but they think I should be making everything around my house state of the art, not understanding that it’s a money pit and I would rather be shabby chic and spend my money where it’s the most fun.

I can remember wanting my parents to spend their funds on a super fancy place...I could not understand how you could have the funds and be so frugal!
Guess what, now I’m glad they were! LOL

As to your relationship with your Mom.. My daughter has me almost trained. It was painful for me, but basically she told me that she would not tolerate my input and I would have to be quiet or we could not have an authentic viable connection. (She’s 38 years old) I still slip up from time to time, but I am fully aware of the boundaries now.

It’s super hard to have an authentic relationship for me, I just want everythIng to be nice and hate getting down into the dirt to get to the truth. Ugh.
 
luv2sparkle said:
My kids don't comment too much. We have been really cutting back the last few months because when retirement kicks in we will have a few months with a very limited income. So we have been saying, 'we cant afford that right now' a lot. We have always been generous with our kids and I find it hard to cut back on that even though they are so old now. It's been a step by step process for me. I find one thing at a time and say to myself, 'ok, not doing that anymore'.
Click to expand...

Yes, I am doing the same thing. Step by step. I maybe over helped, and this year have dedicated a certain amount to them and no more.
 
Jimmianne said:
Lol not quite, but they think I should be making everything around my house state of the art, not understanding that it’s a money pit and I would rather be shabby chic and spend my money where it’s the most fun.

I can remember wanting my parents to spend their funds on a super fancy place...I could not understand how you could have the funds and be so frugal!
Guess what, now I’m glad they were! LOL

As to your relationship with your Mom.. My daughter has me almost trained. It was painful for me, but basically she told me that she would not tolerate my input and I would have to be quiet or we could not have an authentic viable connection. (She’s 38 years old) I still slip up from time to time, but I am fully aware of the boundaries now.

It’s super hard to have an authentic relationship for me, I just want everythIng to be nice and hate getting down into the dirt to get to the truth. Ugh.
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I think Mothers and daughters often have difficult relationships unlike mothers and sons. At least from my perspective relationships between girls and their moms are (most) always complicated and complex.
 
missy said:
Yeah. Same as Joanne. Thanks but no thank you. MYOB.
Sorry you’re dealing with this and I’m pissed off for you. :x2


And it’s not karma. You took great care of them when they were little. They were little and needed your guidance. You’re a grown woman. Intelligent and savvy. And it is your money. I hope they remember that. You’re so generous with them I fear they might need reminding.
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Funny, the money part isn’t the worst, it’s them giving suggestions about projects. My goal of a project is to have something to do...just the way I like it. Other people want to get to the results. I am more about creative process. If I wanted instant results, I would hire someone.
 
Jimmianne said:
Funny, the money part isn’t the worst, it’s them giving suggestions about projects. My goal of a project is to have something to do...just the way I like it. Other people want to get to the results. I am more about creative process. If I wanted instant results, I would hire someone.
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I get it. You enjoy the process. Much like my dh does. And occasionally I enjoy a good project too. Their intentions are good but you know what one says about good intentions. :lol:

You do you and tell them to do themselves. Or something like that. Not sure about that wording. :lol-2:
 
missy said:
I get it. You enjoy the process. Much like my dh does. And occasionally I enjoy a good project too. Their intentions are good but you know what one says about good intentions. :lol:

You do you and tell them to do themselves. Or something like that. Not sure about that wording. :lol-2:
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I’m working on it. Long distance I am being friendly, but in person I’ll be able to be more effective. Hopefully.

It happens with the farm too...I come back and things are different, part of the problem of not being there all the time. I am very picky about how things look and to the untrained eye it might seem the opposite. LOL

Missy, you could come with me and we could figure out what I should say LOL
 
Jimmianne said:
I’m working on it. Long distance I am being friendly, but in person I’ll be able to be more effective. Hopefully.
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I wonder what my mom would say about me. Lol not sure I want to know. Though she’s not shy letting me know. So scratch that. :lol:

Good luck Jimmianne. You got this. ❤️
 
Thank you everyone, now this is making me laugh. The opposite of what I was feeling when I started the thread.:lol:


My Dad used to weed Mom’s garden and pull up all the flowers. Life goes on.
 
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I ignore them, easy to do when my mum lives a few time zones away, so I don't tell her anything unless after the event has passed or a decision has been made etc...

DK :lol-2:
 
Jimmianne said:
Lol not quite, but they think I should be making everything around my house state of the art, not understanding that it’s a money pit and I would rather be shabby chic and spend my money where it’s the most fun.

I can remember wanting my parents to spend their funds on a super fancy place...I could not understand how you could have the funds and be so frugal!
Guess what, now I’m glad they were! LOL

As to your relationship with your Mom.. My daughter has me almost trained. It was painful for me, but basically she told me that she would not tolerate my input and I would have to be quiet or we could not have an authentic viable connection. (She’s 38 years old) I still slip up from time to time, but I am fully aware of the boundaries now.

It’s super hard to have an authentic relationship for me, I just want everythIng to be nice and hate getting down into the dirt to get to the truth. Ugh.
Click to expand...

This is how my Mom is, pretty much, she wants everything to be nice too and doesn't really like getting into the nitty-gritty of life .... She and I talked quite seriously some years back and I told her I could keep it that way too with her, but then what we would have is a superficial connection. I told her if that is how she wanted our relationship, I would honor her preference. She thought about it, and also thought about my place in the family (basically her back-up in her times of need), and she decided she wanted an honest authentic relationship with me. What we have crafted is very special, and it is only because I stepped up to ask for this, and also because I've continued to be there for her and to focus on the positive and the good whenever possible. We enjoy spending time together and I respect her tremendously. I feel blessed that we were able to transition our mother-daughter bond to this level, and she tells me she feels blessed as well. I will say, rarely I say something she believes is intrusive, but if she responds along the lines "that is her business and she prefers not to discuss it," I abide by her decision. Even more rarely, it is the reverse, and she does respect my privacy as well.
 
Well recently my older son and I had a screaming match because he was telling me what to do with his daughter (like I didn't know and I don't need HIM telling me what to do since I raised HIM, we got over it! :) )

My younger son says nothing except that he thinks he should be the only executor of our estate 'cause big bro is a loser with money, love mah boys. Older son won't consider that we will die, freaks him out.. next life I'll have more than two kids or none. ;-)

Jimmi, basically I ignore it, my son is very forceful in his opinions, like he thinks all republican leaders should be publicly guillotined :) and we, in doing the things he says to us, become wary, I think he thinks we have one foot in the grave or nursing home.. so what do I do with my kids? ignore them, I smile and we do exactly what we want. I do think its the big ego's our kids get when they are 'adults'..

Remember it's your life, your finances, and of course it's your bling! (which should be shipped to me asap)..

I guess it's the comes around part of what went around.

xoxo
 
marymm said:
This is how my Mom is, pretty much, she wants everything to be nice too and doesn't really like getting into the nitty-gritty of life .... She and I talked quite seriously some years back and I told her I could keep it that way too with her, but then what we would have is a superficial connection. I told her if that is how she wanted our relationship, I would honor her preference. She thought about it, and also thought about my place in the family (basically her back-up in her times of need), and she decided she wanted an honest authentic relationship with me. What we have crafted is very special, and it is only because I stepped up to ask for this, and also because I've continued to be there for her and to focus on the positive and the good whenever possible. We enjoy spending time together and I respect her tremendously. I feel blessed that we were able to transition our mother-daughter bond to this level, and she tells me she feels blessed as well. I will say, rarely I say something she believes is intrusive, but if she responds along the lines "that is her business and she prefers not to discuss it," I abide by her decision. Even more rarely, it is the reverse, and she does respect my privacy as well.
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Marymm, what a wonderful post. My DD and I are on this same path and it’s taken years. I was quite resistant because keeping to the surface was the way I was raised. My DD gets me, but my new SIL hasn’t learned yet where the boundaries are. I am very nice and I think sometimes people think that means you are open to a lot more than you actually are.
I love that you have such special bond with your mother. I think it’s unusual.
Are you by any chance in the mental health field?
My DD is a therapist.
 
Tekate said:
Well recently my older son and I had a screaming match because he was telling me what to do with his daughter (like I didn't know and I don't need HIM telling me what to do since I raised HIM, we got over it! :) )

My younger son says nothing except that he thinks he should be the only executor of our estate 'cause big bro is a loser with money, love mah boys. Older son won't consider that we will die, freaks him out.. next life I'll have more than two kids or none. ;-)

Jimmi, basically I ignore it, my son is very forceful in his opinions, like he thinks all republican leaders should be publicly guillotined :) and we, in doing the things he says to us, become wary, I think he thinks we have one foot in the grave or nursing home.. so what do I do with my kids? ignore them, I smile and we do exactly what we want. I do think its the big ego's our kids get when they are 'adults'..

Remember it's your life, your finances, and of course it's your bling! (which should be shipped to me asap)..

I guess it's the comes around part of what went around.

xoxo
Click to expand...

Ah the bling. As my queen bee mentor said, when you come to visit you can wear it all LOL
 
I would politely tell them that we have it under control and will make the decisions that please us.
Maybe I would ask why they were concerned with my finances?
As far as projects---I would shut down that line of comments by saying firmly that you are doing the project in a way that pleases you and costs what you are willing to spend.

DH and I really keep our nose out of our kids business. If they want our opinion or advice---they will ask for it. I try to remember how I felt when parents or in-laws gave unsolicited advice so I try to avoid that.
 
missy said:
Haha yes I almost had a heart attack. @Tekate we will share. :lol:

❤
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Wait...you are not sending B. to France with me?? :lol:

Ah well. To NYC I go then. <3
 
My issue isn’t with DS, it’s with DH, he’s far too generous (IMO) to DS. DS doesn’t ask for anything, and of course we’ve helped him all along the way so far, but I do think we should stop. He has a good business, earning well, so as far as I’m concerned, he’s more than capable of standing on his own two feet - just can’t get DH to accept that.
 
Hmm. I feel you. I think to always remember it comes from a place of love and caring. If they didn't love you they wouldn't care what you did one way or another! Maybe next time it happens, stop the conversation and say what you said here. I understand what you are saying. That you would like a) while I do b) because I enjoy these projects and they add to my joy. If they have an additional concerns or fear (like they feel you are spending money and so will not be able to afford present, future bills, maybe talk with them what is driving their concerns).

I'm on the opposite foot. Both of my parents are now elderly. They were hard working, but not financially wise. A bit frustrating, that both of them worked their whole lives, plus each of them got inheritances from either parents or grandparents, the only money is about 200K my mother got after seling her house (she lives with my brother for free). She has multiple medical conditions. Both she and my sister feel she should do something to try to conserve that nest egg, so it's not spent on the next medical crises, and then she has no resources. But I don't know. I also feel, she should help out my little brother to some degree, because frankly at her age she is a burden and not exactly easy to live with (and he can really use the help). But, it's not my money, and no one is asking my opinion.
 
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I haven’t read all the responses but your question prompted me to address this behavior with my sister this morning as it had been bothering me since New Years. On New Years I hosted a brunch. She and her husband insisted for a good 10 minutes that it was time to put my dog to sleep! I never asked! It’s true that my 13 year old is elderly, but my hubby has enough experience to know when euthanasia is right. Well. Just bc she’s elderly and was having a bad day, she and her husband vehemently insisted that we are in denial and that she should be put to sleep. At the time, since I was hosting a brunch, I tried to remain civil. But. She made a snyde remark about my dog last week! And I let it go for the sake of civility. So after reading this post I texted her and told her that I was done with her insults and that an apology would be nice. Crickets.
All this to say that maybe I will have advice for you In a few days.
 
Wow Nala, that is really out of bounds! I would never suggest to another person to have their dog put down. Be at peace that your sister is clueless. And say something like that decision is between me, my husband and our vet, and I do not recall asking for your unsolicited advice.
 
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