How do you feel about yourself as a mother?

[House Cat]

How do you feel about yourself as a mother?

I have been a mother for more than half of my life. The problem I am facing is that it seems the more experience I gain as a mother, the less confident I become. My three children in their 20’s are doing great. They have all exceeded my expectations. They are strong, resilient people who are moving toward success. They are good people.

But I took on another round of parenting. Our youngest son is 12. So, at a time when I should be sort of sitting back and watching my children transition into adulthood and be doing the parenting adults portion of my life, I am parenting a middle schooler. This son is precious, the baby, and he scares me. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m just freaked that I am getting this wrong all of the time because I know more now. I have had a lot of therapy. I know how to mess up a kid now through learning how I was messed up. I’m spooked and have lost my confidence. I feel at any moment, I could say or do the thing that will send him to opiates.

That is how I feel, incompetent.

 

[whitewave]

Mothering is hard.

I am excellent as a mother-- my kids are good kids, super smart-- looks like the 3 in college next year will all have partial scholarships, etc. but I have done it at the expense of me. I put myself back in therapy this week.

I am super depleted.

My eldest's roommate tried to kill himself last month at school and my son saved his life (by the time campus police got there, they had to cut him down but he was able to walk out of his room later on his own power), so now my son is having PTSD symptoms so I am back on mothering him through this, etc. My son is in counseling at school-- the school has been wonderful to him. He is super needy right now and he is having trouble sleeping.

I also didn't realize how super needy and what such babies English Bulldogs are.. lol. So on top of the kids, it's like I have two two year olds with these dogs.

I bought the heart ring to remind me to take care of me. I'm doing a healthy mind and body program online and I put myself back in therapy and booked 6 weeks of appointments out.

Hang in there, Housecat. HUGS. Nothing about mothering is easy. I think if you question your competence, you are a good mother.

 

[whitewave]

Do you want me to delete mine?

 

[House Cat]

No, it’s ok...I was thinking of completing it at another time, but maybe I will get to it!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I didn't see your post HC but if is about parenting--I hear ya. Truly. Biggest and most important "job" of my life--with the steepest learning curve. I often wonder if I get it right.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[whitewave]

HI:

I didn't see your post HC but if is about parenting--I hear ya. Truly. Biggest and most important "job" of my life--with the steepest learning curve. I often wonder if I get it right.

kind regards--Sharon

Steepest learning curve is right

 

[whitewave]

Btw, the only reason I think I'm good at mothering is because my kids are turning out good.

Other than that, I question everything all the time.

 

[House Cat]

Mothering is hard.

I am excellent as a mother-- my kids are good kids, super smart-- looks like the 3 in college next year will all have partial scholarships, etc. but I have done it at the expense of me. I put myself back in therapy this week.

I am super depleted.

My eldest's roommate tried to kill himself last month at school and my son saved his life (by the time campus police got there, they had to cut him down but he was able to walk out of his room later on his own power), so now my son is having PTSD symptoms so I am back on mothering him through this, etc. My son is in counseling at school-- the school has been wonderful to him. He is super needy right now and he is having trouble sleeping.

I also didn't realize how super needy and what such babies English Bulldogs are.. lol. So on top of the kids, it's like I have two two year olds with these dogs.

I bought the heart ring to remind me to take care of me. I'm doing a healthy mind and body program online and I put myself back in therapy and booked 6 weeks of appointments out.

Hang in there, Housecat. HUGS. Nothing about mothering is easy. I think if you question your competence, you are a good mother.

Hugs to you too! I’m so sorry for your son. What an awful thing to live through. If the PTSD gets too bad, I can’t recommend enough to find a therapist who does EMDR.

I think that depleted feeling might be my problem. I think it is making me weak and therefore keeping me from parenting my youngest from a strong, centered place. I am only parenting from a place of fear. Which is never good.

It’s amazing that you are taking such good care of yourself. I feel inspired by you.

 

[kenny]

I'm not a parent, and know I'm too selfish to be one.

Must add that IMO parenting is the hardest job on the planet.
Your life as you knew it ends, and you become a life-support unit for another life.

I'm astonished anyone does it.
Kudos to y'all.

 

[House Cat]

HI:

I didn't see your post HC but if is about parenting--I hear ya. Truly. Biggest and most important "job" of my life--with the steepest learning curve. I often wonder if I get it right.

kind regards--Sharon

Thank you.

I hate that we have to learn on our kids. I know there must be some wisdom in that design. It must teach the children adaptability or strength, but it tears a mother’s heart out just the same.

 

[whitewave]

Hugs to you too! I’m so sorry for your son. What an awful thing to live through. If the PTSD gets too bad, I can’t recommend enough to find a therapist who does EMDR.

I think that depleted feeling might be my problem. I think it is making me weak and therefore keeping me from parenting my youngest from a strong, centered place. I am only parenting from a place of fear. Which is never good.

It’s amazing that you are taking such good care of yourself. I feel inspired by you.

Thank you. It's that old airplane analogy where you have to put the oxygen on you first to be able to care for others.

My therapist does EMDR and I have done it with her and so I know it works. I need a brush up on it. I carry stress in my jaw, face, neck and shoulders and I have been having facial pain real bad lately.

I realized I'm stuck. I was physically sick for two years and I'm trying to get back into my life but I'm totally and completely stuck. When I started the healthy mind and body program, I realized how sad my replies were...and it just hit me that oh,wow, I have been so busy focusing on everyone else that I forgot about me.

Mothering is about sacrifice, yes, but we can't help everyone else if we aren't taking care if ourselves. I'm one to throw myself to the side to make a struggling kid successful and it works for the child, but then I neglect getting myself back up and whole.

It is all about balance and I have such trouble with that part. I can give all of myself to someone struggling, but I can't seem to give all of myself to me.

 

[Bonfire]

Toughest job in all of human experience. We do the best we can with the tools we have. We second guess ourselves at every turn. We blame ourselves for every mistake. Raising kids now is the hardest it’s ever been.
Mine are grown and married and one has a baby of his own. Try to enjoy the ride and not be so hard on yourself.

 

[Austina]

I think my son turned out so well in spite of me, not because of me. I had a horrible childhood, awful parents, I've done my best, but I do worry it wasn't good enough.

I'm so sorry that your son had to go through that @whitewave, what a terrible thing for him to deal with. How tragic that his roommate thought that was the answer to his problems.

 

[canuk-gal]

Thank you.

I hate that we have to learn on our kids. I know there must be some wisdom in that design. It must teach the children adaptability or strength, but it tears a mother’s heart out just the same.

I think you are right--the design is that we become more compassionate. To each other and through that we "benefit". This compassion helps to dissolve the self centered feelings we possess (are we good enough, etc) to move toward thinking about the well being of others as the source of our happiness. That our hearts should be torn out with joy instead of sorrow.

cheers--Sharon

 

[Elizabeth35]

I think most of us second guess and have a lot of maternal guilt. As they say---a mother is only as happy as her least happy child.
I find that as my children get older (oldest is now 30)---I strangely enough feel more regret over perceived shortcomings or mistakes as a parent. I think that is sort of normal, based on conversations with other people. I felt much more confident that I was a good parent when they were small. Lol---false sense of security.
Overall I know I did my best to give them what they needed and I also felt that it was important that I model the behavior I wanted to enforce. Things like work ethic, honesty, caring for family, saving for the future and fiscal responsibility. I think I did that fairly well. Plenty of other things I probably did wrong.

I remember a neighbor I had when my kids were toddlers. She was in her 70's and one time when one of my kids was not listening she popped in with "oh just spank him. I spanked my kids AND yelled and them. They can tell their therapist with they're 30". Still makes me laugh---she had absolutely NO guilt.

 

[Queenie60]

I have continually second guessed myself as a parent. I have two children, my oldest is bipolar and at 24 continues on a down spiral. My youngest is 20 years old and excelling in life. It's been a difficult road for us as the oldest is a constant effort. It's taken a few years for my husband and I to realize that it's not our lack of love and parenting that has gotten him to where he is. Daily challenge - parenting is a difficult thing to do.

 

[nala]

I'm currently going through empty nest syndrome. At the ripe old age of 44, lol. So I'm feeling pretty useless as a mother. So proud of daughter. She is excelling and loving the college life so much, that I'm blessed she texts me daily and will put up with an occasional visit of mine. lol. I will say that I have never taken credit for how she turned out. I just feel lucky. I enjoyed every day of raising her, but it was an effortless task. She was pretty much on auto pilot from day one. Great kid. Maybe it's my Kharma Bc I practically raised myself. So did her dad. Lol. TBH, I only had one kid Bc I'm too selfish, hated the 9 months of pregnancy, the labor and most importantly, knew I needed time for myself. But don't be so hard on yourself. I have known some great parents whose kids turn out to be really challenging. And then there's parents who are terrible but have great kids. My best realization early on was that I couldnt control my kid. Nor did I want to. In the end, they are individuals and that individuality will shine through if you let it.

 

[AGBF]

I don't know what I did to deserve this, yet it also seems inevitable. I cannot imagine another path. I actually, now, cannot even imagine parenting a "normal" child since the only one I have parented is bi-polar. I had a wonderful infant, toddler, and little girl, then a seriously unhappy and disturbed adolescent and young adult who robbed me of my entire life after that. But her life became my life. Now if she achieves little things, I am happy. I do not know any other way to live, so this is my normal.

Deb

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I have a ten year old and a three year old, both boys. Did an excellent job with my older son, he was in a preschool program at two and was always around other kids through playgroups. He is in a magnet school and is a good student and a caring child.

The three year old is more challenging and does not get as much social interaction as my first since my social anxiety has gotten the better of me. He is still well mannered and a good kid but I worry that my limitations have held him back.

I just do the best I can on a day to day basis.

 

[diamondringlover]

I have 2 boys, ages 20 and 31...they both turned out ok..but I still question some of the things I did and continue to do as their mom...parenting an adult child is just as challenging as parenting a toddler, I was not prepared for that...I thought it got easier as the got older...boy was I wrong. I sometimes dwell on things in the past that I did wrong...there were alot of them and I recognize them now..but its too late to do anything about it now, so I just keep going forward. My oldest went to college but dropped out, my youngest who was a straight A student refused to go to college...I feel that its my fault somehow, I feel like is a reflection on me....but I will say this, neither of my kids do drugs or smoke cigarettes, they do not get into trouble with the law, they are law abiding citizens and both are very loving, caring men with impeccable work ethics...so I guess I did something right and I am so very proud of both of them.

 

[whitewave]

I have continually second guessed myself as a parent. I have two children, my oldest is bipolar and at 24 continues on a down spiral. My youngest is 20 years old and excelling in life. It's been a difficult road for us as the oldest is a constant effort. It's taken a few years for my husband and I to realize that it's not our lack of love and parenting that has gotten him to where he is. Daily challenge - parenting is a difficult thing to do.

My sister is unmedicated and bipolar and you are right... it is challenging and is not reflective of your love or parenting skills.

(I suspect my eldest is having a hypomania right now that he is home and I can see it.... waiting for doctor to call back to discuss...)

 

[Queenie60]

My sister is unmedicated and bipolar and you are right... it is challenging and is not reflective of your love or parenting skills.

(I suspect my eldest is having a hypomania right now that he is home and can see it.... waiting for doctor to call back to discuss...)

I'm sorry Whitewave. I hope that your child can come to grips with what happened. I remember when my daughter was 11 and my son 15 - she walked in on him attempting to hang himself from the rafters in the garage. Very traumatic for an 11 year old, or for that matter, for anyone. She was able to come to grips with it and is now living a very healthy and happy life. I wish you well. Take care.

 

[nala]

I want to add that I have 8 siblings. Most of them feel they had the worst parents. And while I don't hold grudges, I can see what they mean. Yet, all of my siblings, except for the one we lost to the streets--ironically, after my mom decided to become a more indulgent mother--turned out great. So, again, sometimes we become the individuals that we were meant to be, in spite of parenting. I find that reassuring and probably why I have never dealt with parenting guilt. I realize that it's never really been in my hands, and I certainly don't judge others for how their kids turn out.

 

[whitewave]

I'm sorry Whitewave. I hope that your child can come to grips with what happened. I remember when my daughter was 11 and my son 15 - she walked in on him attempting to hang himself from the rafters in the garage. Very traumatic for an 11 year old, or for that matter, for anyone. She was able to come to grips with it and is now living a very healthy and happy life. I wish you well. Take care.

Thanks, if this is hypomania, this is his second episode and both have been triggered by super intense stress from extraordinary situations.

I'm just glad that he sees how bad off my sister is and doesn't want to end up like her, so he is 100% compliant on meds and as a result, has been stable since we started this path. (Until now, and I wouldn't call it unstable... more like a speed bump)

I'm glad to hear your son is alive and your daughter is recovered. My son feared for his life, knowing/sensing something bad was happening (on campus apartment with their own bedrooms) and he barricaded (put desk in front of door) himself in his bedroom before calling me. The boy was put on a 5 day psych hold and then his mother dropped him back off at the apartment against university directions the night he was discharged!! Long long story. I feel really bad for this boy and as far as we know, he has left campus. The university moved him to a new apartment the next day while my son was in class. We then think he couldn't cope and catch up (ya think?) so he left.

You never know what people are going through.

 

[redwood66]

HC I am sorry that you are having these feelings. Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had and I questioned myself daily. Even now that they are almost 26 I still think of things that I could have done different. Maybe a little more allowing to fail on their own. But now that they are both home for a bit it seems they have turned into exceptional and kind young men, so I must have done at least some of it right. I did try to shield them from anything related to my work because of the nature of it. I had to keep the horrible part of it to myself which helped them but in the end I suffered for it. If you ask me if it was worth it though, I would tell you absolutely because they are better off not knowing.

I so understand how you would question yourself now that you have one younger since the others are on their own and doing well. But you did do it well, just look at them!


And whitewave that is a terrible thing for your son to have to see but what an amazing thing to be able to recognize the situation and act. You are blessed.

Queenie I am glad your daughter is doing well and hope your son is able to manage with your obvious love and support.

Deb you are the best mom she can have.

 

[whitewave]

@redwood66 thanks. The school has been wonderful to my son. I was contacted by the University President, the Dean of Student Life, the Director of Counseling, the Director of Residental Life who all acknowledged my son as a hero to this boy and to the school, how he did everything right, and how impressed with him they are that he saved someone's life.

But the fallout for my son has been heavy.

Obviously, I'm not mad at the roommate, but I would be lying if I said I wish it never had happened. Of course, another minute later and he would have died and everything would be MUCH worse. It is a bottle of wine story... so much I can't say of this long long story about what happened that night and the following week. It is the internet and I don't want any identifications to slip out, no matter how unlikely it would be for that to happen.

I spoke briefly to the boy's mother during this time and she quicky wrote it off an accident and then set my son up in her mind to be her son's caretaker (she obviously struck me as bat shit crazy.... I feel bad this boy is back home with her....) but anyway... we had to have several meetings with housing to get the boy moved and then he showed up the night of discharge because she drove him a few hours to drop him off....!!!!!!????!!!!

So anyway, the doc doesn't want to call this a hypomanic since it was caused by an extraordinary situation, but she is putting him back on a mood stabilizer until his panic attacks subside, which means we have to do a several med change tonight.... you all who go through this know what a pain med changes can be. The school set my son up with an ADA accommodation, so at least we have that to work with. His professors have bent over backwards to help him. This was the same weekend the boy from LSU died( like Monday or Tuesday) from fraternity hazing, so my son's university has made it clear how grateful they are for my son that they didn't have to have a press conference or press release about a death on their campus. Oh, the next son was at LSU that weekend visiting his friends there and met that kid who died...

So I'm about to have 3 in college and I'm sending them out into a batshit crazy, violent, dangerous world.

LSU has since had 2 more students die, one from suicide and one last week so far undetermined causes, though the grapevine says OD.

@House Cat I am so sorry for hijacking your thread. This has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind and I didn't know how to start a thread on it... "hey, y'all, guess what happened..." seemed tone deaf.

 

[whitewave]

I think my son turned out so well in spite of me, not because of me. I had a horrible childhood, awful parents, I've done my best, but I do worry it wasn't good enough.

I'm so sorry that your son had to go through that @whitewave, what a terrible thing for him to deal with. How tragic that his roommate thought that was the answer to his problems.

It is very sad. I hope the boy is recovering and working hard, but I am not optimistic for him since both he and his mother decided it was an accident because he drank too much.

 

[arkieb1]

I think that's the hardest thing as a mother letting them go on camps, letting them drive on their own, go to parties with friends, letting them go to college, letting them go and be independent in general. It doesn't matter how old or how near they are it's a natural reaction as a good parent to continue to worry about our kids and keeping them safe.

As far as not doing it right, I think all we can do is our best on any given day. I frequently wish I had more energy and some days I had more patience for my son, but mostly he is a very kind empathetic child so I am grateful for that.

 

[monarch64]

Most days I feel like I'm just winging it. I'm a youngest child, didn't have a lot of experience with children as far as babysitting or siblings growing up, waited until my thirties to have a baby, etc. Many of my friends (those with whom I graduated high school or college) have children in high school at this point. I have a 5 year old. I just do my best to gauge her development and her needs, and I don't push her too much unless I sense she's becoming bored and ready to move on with something. It's fun for now...ask me again in 8-10 years!

There are two things I worry about with my daughter: that I'll inadvertently pass on my eating disorder issues or self-image issues (I am extremely cautious about it, maybe overly so); and that I am not enough of a disciplinarian and won't set enough boundaries because I was so overprotected by my mother growing up. I have no desire to be the "cool parent" but I already get upset with her father for constantly barking orders at her and having very rigid routines and strict rules. My house is what she calls "relaxing time," and his she refers to each night as "math night," "crafts night," etc. Nothing wrong with normalcy in routines, but I never did well with rigidity...can't imagine anyone would in more than small doses.

I'm trying hard to set a foundation of mutual trust between us. I know there will be tough times to come and I want her to feel like she can always come to me and not be afraid that I will be angry with her about anything. I remember being really scared of my mom and her initial wrath--we'd always end up discussing things rationally, but at first she would just go ballistic and that made me less willing to share things with her.

That's all I can do, I think. I hear they don't give out "Mother of the Year" medals or anything, so. I love my child, and I care, and I'm involved. I look at it as raising a productive human who will contribute to society in a positive way. That might seem vague, but it's really up to her as an independent being to decide everything else.

 

[AprilBaby]

@redwood66 thanks. The school has been wonderful to my son. I was contacted by the University President, the Dean of Student Life, the Director of Counseling, the Director of Residental Life who all acknowledged my son as a hero to this boy and to the school, how he did everything right, and how impressed with him they are that he saved someone's life.

But the fallout for my son has been heavy.

Obviously, I'm not mad at the roommate, but I would be lying if I said I wish it never had happened. Of course, another minute later and he would have died and everything would be MUCH worse. It is a bottle of wine story... so much I can't say of this long long story about what happened that night and the following week. It is the internet and I don't want any identifications to slip out, no matter how unlikely it would be for that to happen.

I spoke briefly to the boy's mother during this time and she quicky wrote it off an accident and then set my son up in her mind to be her son's caretaker (she obviously struck me as bat shit crazy.... I feel bad this boy is back home with her....) but anyway... we had to have several meetings with housing to get the boy moved and then he showed up the night of discharge because she drove him a few hours to drop him off....!!!!!!????!!!!

So anyway, the doc doesn't want to call this a hypomanic since it was caused by an extraordinary situation, but she is putting him back on a mood stabilizer until his panic attacks subside, which means we have to do a several med change tonight.... you all who go through this know what a pain med changes can be. The school set my son up with an ADA accommodation, so at least we have that to work with. His professors have bent over backwards to help him. This was the same weekend the boy from LSU died( like Monday or Tuesday) from fraternity hazing, so my son's university has made it clear how grateful they are for my son that they didn't have to have a press conference or press release about a death on their campus. Oh, the next son was at LSU that weekend visiting his friends there and met that kid who died...

So I'm about to have 3 in college and I'm sending them out into a batshit crazy, violent, dangerous world.

LSU has since had 2 more students die, one from suicide and one last week so far undetermined causes, though the grapevine says OD.

@House Cat I am so sorry for hijacking your thread. This has obviously been weighing heavily on my mind and I didn't know how to start a thread on it... "hey, y'all, guess what happened..." seemed tone deaf.

You are very lucky his school has been so good with his situation. My daughter works in res life and has been at 4 colleges. Only one of the four has had services like you describe. All 4 sent the “disturbed” (for lack of a better word right now) student home for at least one semester before they could return to school so the roommate should really not be there. They require intense counseling provided at home by the provider of their choice before they can return. I think parents in general would be shocked at how many suicide attempts are made at college. Most you will never hear about. At her current institution she had a student who called 7 times in 2 weeks saying they were going to do it. The school finally told her to stop calling them and just go to the hospital. Heartless. Take good care of your son and get him whatever help he needs to process what happened with his roomie. No way he should be back with him next semester.