Home How do you deal with passive aggressive people?

[Puppmom]

I’ll try not get long winded here but I need some pointers on dealing with my passive aggressive MIL. First of all, I come from a family that is very to-the-point with their opinions, criticisms and advice. I can deal with that. I know how to respond when someone states an opinion to me. The benefit of people being up-front and concise is that it opens the door for a response. I always knew MIL (who is a very NICE person BTW) was passive aggressive but it never really bothered me until now. I’m 22 weeks pregnant with their first grandchild which is extremely exciting for the ILs. Her *excitement* has turned into constant what I’ll call advice because I don’t really know what to call it. Sometimes, I’m really stumped as to how I should respond – most comes in the form of email so I fortunately I have time to come up with something.

All of her suggestions start with “I never knew that” or “Can you believe that?” or “I read in such and such magazine that” etc. For example, yesterday’s email which came after she went to grandparents’ class said “I can’t believe how much I didn’t know – did you know no more crib bumpers or baby powder? That’s just the tip of the iceberg, I’ll tell you the rest next time I see you.” Sunday’s note was “I read an article in TIME magazine that plastic can leach into your food and you should feed your baby with glass bottles.” And one last example for good measure “Have you ever heard that you should carry a baby doll around and play sounds of a baby crying so the dog gets used to having a baby in the house? I know it sounds crazy but the author is very reputable.”

Ok – that about sums it up. Just a few things worth noting – I do realize that I could be hypersensitive right now (just maybe

) but I’m trying to figure out a way to be more tolerant and/or a way to respond to these things without coming off like a total B. MIL will be watching the baby full time for at least the first six months so, for my own sanity, I need to come up with a way to deal with it.

Feel free to give straight forward advice even if it’s “Get over it!” or "Your MIL makes good points!"

 

[lilyfoot]

I'm sorry, I don't see anything wrong with what your MIL is telling you .. it just sounds like she's re-learning a lot of things about raising babies, and is concerned enough about the new information that she wants you to know everything she's learning. I don't see how she's being passive-aggressive? But maybe I'm missing something.

It seems like pretty normal stuff that someone would tell you if you're pregnant ..

Are you upset because you already know these things, and you feel like you don't need her to tell you?

ETA: Is this your first child?

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Ok, unsolicited advice / information is just about the most irritating thing known to woman. I feel for you.

That being said, at least you MIL is taking on board up to date information. I have read a fair few posts here from people who are worried that MILs are doing things that are at best outdated and at worst down right dangerous with their grandchildren.

If she''s going to be looking after your little one, I''d be very encouraging of her knowing the most recent advice on safety, even if it drives me stir crazy to have her tell me stuff like that. Far, far better than to be told that''s all new-fangled nonsense and X Y and Z never did her generation any harm.

I wonder, from what you''ve said - is she actually giving advice at all, or is she just a) excited and b) trying in a roundabout way to reassure you that she is on top of all this and won''t do anything inappropriate when she''s responsible for child care? I think that she''s probably genuinely surprised at how much has changed and wants to know it and let you know that she knows it.

I won''t say get over it, but I will say there are worst things a MIL could do!

Maybe you could say "actually yes, I did know that. I''m glad you agree with me." Put yourself firmly back in charge without negating the information.

Good luck and I hope this doesn''t drive you totally crazy.

Jen

 

[Puppmom]

Lily, I hear what you''re saying. I *feel* like she''s stating these things because she thinks I should do them. I could be wrong - DH thinks she''s just making conversation. That''s why I feel like I need to manage a way to adjust my reaction. This is not my first child but I''m not upset because I already know some of these things necessarily. I''m more annoyed that I don''t agree with everything but there''s not really an opening for a response or at least I''m having a hard time finding room to say what I think. This is assuming of course that a response is even necessary. All in all, I know that this is harmless (the rational side of me anyway) but it drives me nuts all the same so I have make some change with myself.

MrsMitchell, I NEVER thought of what you mentioned in your second point (trying in a roundabout way to reassure you that she is on top of all this and won''t do anything inappropriate when she''s responsible for child care). I know for sure that MIL is VERY concerned about doing things *right*. I never for a second thought that maybe she''s trying to let me know that she''s not taking this responsibility lightly and she''s trying to stay up to speed on what''s new in baby care.

 

[monarch64]

Her style of approaching you is different than the way it''s done in your family, ok. I''m not sure how that is passive-aggressive behavior but clearly it bothers you. Why not just tell her, "MIL, it''s ok if you have concerns and you want to bring them to my attention, you don''t have to beat around the bush about it or preface anything with a disclaimer"? Don''t let this fester and bug you until you end up going off on her. Just GET TO THE POINT with her yourself and resolve the issue.

 

[decodelighted]

I kinda think its just "making conversation" and sharing what she finds interesting or possibly important as she goes about researching her "new job" as gramma, you know? I bet it is very disconcerting to parents how much things have changed in 20-30 years ... and probably fascinating if she just started paying attention to baby stuff again.

As for responses ... you could say, "Would you send me a copy of that so I can research it on my own too" Or "Oh I hadn''t heard that yet, where did you read that" ... or "Yes, actually I was reading about that last week but decided XXXXXX"

I agree with the other advice that said it could be much worse ... she could be one of those I Already KNOW Everything types and be stuck in outdated, possibly dangerous ways.

 

[Sha]

It sounds too me like she wants to pass on the information but is trying hard not to sound like she''s telling you what to do. Maybe she''s careful of overstepping her boundaries as an MIL...? so is being as indirect as possible. My mother does this all the time. She''ll say things like ..." I believe you will go this event, but just in case you don''t....did you know that it''s one of the best places to etc. etc.??? I believe you will make the time to go, though". It''s annoying at times because it comes across like she''s telling me what to do, just in a roundabout, indirect way.

My mother typically tends to be passive-aggressive, whereas I''m more assertive. I usually try to read between the lines, figure out what the underlying concern/wish is, and respond to it in a direct way. Something like, "Mommy, I know that you''re concerned about xxxx, but you don''t have to be. I do plan on researching the best places to xxxx, and in fact, I''ve already been to several stores to look at xxxx". Acknowledge her concern, and reassure her that you''re on top of things, maybe by pointing out some things you''ve done or plan to do already towards the desired goal.

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks for the reality check guys. Sometimes that''s what a girl needs! I know this is all about ME changing MY attitude and maybe it''s just a matter of adjusting to her way versus my own mother (who we joke is aggressive-aggressive

). I''ve probably read too far into the things MIL says and need to loosen up a bit.

Deco, I like your suggestions on responses. Sometimes it''s really awkward in person because she can tell I''ve checked out of the conversation so thank goodness she usually emails me!

Monarch, I agree - if I let this fester, as time goes on, it''ll take so little to annoy me. I want to have a good relationship with her and, to this point, I do. A lot of the family dynamic associated with having a baby is new to me. I was a teenager when I had my first so my mom was still *parenting* me - she TOLD me to do things a certain way - there was no suggesting. Maybe that''s a little bit of my issue - with my first I really needed lot of guidance and this time I''m confident in my ability to raise my child so I sort of see the suggestions as antogonizing.

...being able to say these things *out loud* on here and getting everyone''s feedback is really helpful.

 

[janinegirly]

I also have alot of passive aggressives around me but I have to agree that I wouldn't necessarily term what you're experiencing as that. It sounds more like maybe she is just really excited and it's annoying to you because she is injecting some unsolicitied advice, which is very common once you're preggo! At least it's from a family member and not co-workers! Maybe just find a way of telling her (passively,haha) that you appreciate her concern but don't really need the advice, thank you very much. Or limit exposure to her when you are feeling short tempered or impatient (which is understandable when you're not feeling so hot & pregnant!).

In my case--the passive aggressiveness came in forms of witholding. When I was pregnant there were alot of supportive "words" thrown about by the IL's (MIL/SIL to be specific) but when it came to actions they were MIA (baby shower,etc). And then when the baby arrived, they were silent. No visits to the hospital, no cards, no gifts, no efforts from DH's side. Christmas came and went with the same (baby was 2 mo's at that point). A few more weeks passed (and the fog slowly lifted from being a new mom) and they then went into aggressive mode and insinuated we were purposefully avoiding them and not exposing the baby to them. Yet there was no effort on their side and our efforts were somehow twisted to be something it wasn't (we were really too wiped out to have any agenda!). Anyway, just sharing that to show how things can be, and how your situation maybe isn't as bad? Oh and I know that even my situation really isn't that bad and it has gotten much better with the IL's--not perfect and still passive aggressive streaks--but it can get better!

 

[Puppmom]

Sha, our posts must have crossed paths. I think when you tend to be more assertive, it''s hard to interpret when people beat around the bush with you. I hate leaving conversations wondering what the heck someone was trying to say! I think you''re right that MIL is struggling to keep me happy while trying to get a point across and I''m struggling because I''m used to a more up-front approach and, if she was my own mother, I would probably have an easier time responding.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Is there any other background to the story? Do you think she''s being condescending and treating you like you''re a half-wit who doesn''t read and hasn''t birthed a baby before?

I guess going off of what you''ve just told us here I''d take it as grandmotherly excitement. It''s true, a lot of stuff HAS changed and will continue to change. Until she starts making PA comments directly to you about things you''re doing (for example not breast feeding or something like that) then just chalk it up to her making comments because she''s genuinely surprised. Right now she''s just regurgitating information and at least she''s communicating via "did you know" or "I had no idea that," like she''s trying to start a discussion instead of "Don''t use plastic bottles because the BPA is going to leach out and mutate my grandbaby!"

She genuinely might not know how her comments are coming across, but I also think you might be a little sensitive right now.

Oh, and as for how I usually deal with PA people, I just ignore them and keep doing what I''m doing.

 

[cara]

PP, I can see how your MIL is being *annoying* but still somewhat well-meaning and just making conversation. How seriously you want to take every last thing she says probably depends on whether she will be watching your new son a lot or somewhere in the infrequently to never range, but *mostly* I'd just let it go. However, I do think its easy to go from annoying to overbearing, so if you feel like you need to speak up and question some of her ideas or ask her for a break on the baby-raising advice, do it! Or you could just change the topic of conversation without addressing anything directly...

Also, I think it will be a lot easier for you in that this is not your first. The first time parents might not have enough confidence to override their own parents' advice/instructions right away and find their own way of doing things.

 

[Mara]

i agree with lilly that i don't see anything wrong with what she is telling you...in your examples anyway.

i wonder if this isn't more just about how your relationship is with her and how you perceive her than how she really IS trying to be. or maybe how she has been previously so now you read into what she is writing.

it is cute she is reading up and staying up to date, it is GREAT actually. i swear sometimes i think my Mom thinks i am making stuff up..aka no water etc. she's like REALLY ???? ARE YOU SURE??? hehe.

but if you guys already have an iffy relationship then i can totally see how you can take what she is saying and add in some preggo hormones (

i had them too i remember!) and come up with your own take on things.

i always tell people that they can take me at face value. i say what i mean and i mean what i say. don't read anything into my tone, my inflection, aka if i am nice it's because i am really meaning what i say and not being nice to be nice (homey don't play that!). i am not sure if SHE is like that but if she's NOT and you know that from history then i def feel your pain because it's hard to deal with people who say one thing but mean another when you would prefer to take people at face value.

in any case, i WOULD take her at face value because simply, there's no other way to be right now. when she says something like 'this sounds crazy but did you know...'...i would respond going 'i know CRAZY right??' with a big smiley...and just leave it at that.

though funnily enough we did play the sounds of the baby crying for our dog to help her get used to it lol.

oh and the perk of her reading all this stuff is that she can't really say 'oh you should be giving your baby water' because she should have read that you don't need to. so it cuts out half the hassle for the future. LOL!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Sounds like you''ve gotten some good advice. It sounds like rather than being passive-aggressive, your MIL is non-confrontational. Not bad to have in a MIL!

My MIL (who really is crazy) is always blathering on about her schedule when she had babies and how many months old one baby was when she got pregnant with the next and how she''s positive Claire has a fever and blah, blah, blah. She did this before we had kids (stuck in some kind of mother of infants time warp), so this was to be expected. When attempting to make conversation with her, I often say, "Mothers always tell their daughters to [give the baby rice cereal as a newborn, put the baby on his stomach, etc.], but actually, these days they say not to" so I can head her off at the pass without making her feel bad that she''s "wrong."

The MIL/DIL relationship is often a difficult one -- it sounds like yours isn''t too bad. I''m sure your MIL will do things differently from you and there will be some stress in having her be the daytime caregiver when that time comes, but overall I think her heart''s in the right place.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I actually think that is really great she is going to a grandparents class and realizes things have changed since her kids were babies. I''ll trade you MILs! Mine would sneak into DD''s room and put a blanket in her crib even after I explained the SIDS risk. She would make passive aggressive jokes and comments about it (ie "wow, I wonder how my kids survived?")

I would have loved it if she had read current studies and TRIED to respect my issue with non-BPA free plastic, wanting BF (yes, she had a comment for everything), not wanting to give my baby juice, etc...Oh and the weight comments from my FIL...holly passive aggressive. Feel free to ignore my advice but it sounds like she is just being helpful with pure motives. She ain''t going anywhere so learn to appreciate it. Take what you like and leave the rest. I ignore a lot of stuff with my ILs but will now stand up for myself with truly unacceptable behavior.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/7/2010 10:08:25 AM
Author: decodelighted
I kinda think its just ''making conversation'' and sharing what she finds interesting or possibly important as she goes about researching her ''new job'' as gramma, you know? I bet it is very disconcerting to parents how much things have changed in 20-30 years ... and probably fascinating if she just started paying attention to baby stuff again.


As for responses ... you could say, ''Would you send me a copy of that so I can research it on my own too'' Or ''Oh I hadn''t heard that yet, where did you read that'' ... or ''Yes, actually I was reading about that last week but decided XXXXXX''


I agree with the other advice that said it could be much worse ... she could be one of those I Already KNOW Everything types and be stuck in outdated, possibly dangerous ways.

I agree with the way Deco put this - I think she''s likely just really excited about her new role as a grandmother! but if it bothers you, and you are so good at being direct, you could always try to have an open conversation with her about it

 

[Puppmom]

Thanks everyone for your advice and real talk...I really appreciate it. I think it''s best for me to assume that MIL is doing exactly what MrsMitchell and others have suggested. She''s excited and letting us know that she''s on top of things. If for some reason, it seems to be going in another direction I''ll say something. Now, if I could only convince her she doesn''t need to shadow me my entire maternity leave to learn how to do everything.

It could be far worse - trust me, I get that. My mother is the opposite. She KNOWS what she''s doing and she had everything under control so don''t bother her with your opinions (even when it comes to your own kid) because she''s not going to listen. Oddly enough, I''m used to this. I don''t tolerate it but I know how to deal with it, KWIM?

 

[taovandel]

Yeah...appreciate that she''s trying to learn new things about raising children.

I mentioned how I was starting food one at a time in a certain order and I had to hear, "Well, I never did that with my daughter...." or the whole "I didn''t do that and my baby is fine...."

UGH!