How do you deal with cynical gf?

[zhuzhu]

I am feeling a bit uneasy talking about this, but my girlfriend of over 20 years has been acting extremely cynical towards my love life and it really hurts my feelings.

She is like me, a career ambitious woman (in academia) and fiercely independent. However, she has not had much luck in the relationship department; either the man she loved had flaws she could not tolerate for lifetime, or having too many immature “boys” liking her. She looks down on the concept of marriage in general, thinking it is a societal way of "degrading" womanhood. (after all, her doctoral dissertation focuses on gender and sexuality studies and Feminist legal theories).

Theory aside, being friends with her for so many years, I know that deeps down, she desires to be loved and have a family of her own. However not having had any luck in finding an ideal relationship for many years, she is extremely bitter and cynical about the whole concept of romance - of my life. Whenever I share how happy I am with my SO and how effortless this relationship is going, she will say something like "well, just be careful not to fall into the relationship trap". When I express my desire as a LIW, she said "what do you think marriage is going to do, make your life better? get out of that illusion for you will be sorry if you really believe in that!".

So maybe she means well and wants to "protect" me. Bur can''t she just be happy for the fact that "I AM HAPPY"??? I am just frustrated because I love her very much as a life-long friend. I want her to feel the joy and not be so sarcastic and cynical about love ALL THE TIME. I have always wanted to ask her to be my MOH when the time comes, but give her pessimistic attitude in love, I am not sure if it is even appropriate???? What are your thoughts on that and what would you do if you were me?

 

[Gypsy]

I''d talk to her just the way you are talking to us now. I''d tell her that you respect and understand her feelings and views... but you would like for her to respect yours and be happy that you are happy. That you appreciate the warnings, and will bear them in mind-- but you really feel this is the right thing for you and you''d appreciate her support as well.

Good luck!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/22/2007 2:41:11 PM
Author: Gypsy
I''d talk to her just the way you are talking to us now. I''d tell her that you respect and understand her feelings and views... but you would like for her to respect yours and be happy that you are happy. That you appreciate the warnings, and will bear them in mind-- but you really feel this is the right thing for you and you''d appreciate her support as well.


Good luck!

Totally agreed. She should be willing to listen and support you if she is a true friend. It''s hard but sometimes some friends are just "toxic" and if she isn''t willing to listen to you and try to change her judgement of you, it might be time to wean away from her.

Good luck!

 

[crystalheart1]

Something tells me she would be singing another tune if she found Love in her life. I have been on both sides of the fence, and can honestly say it is a coping mechanism to tell yourself something is negative if you don''t have it. I am happy for you - so please cherish what you have. A good friend who is happy for you and your life choices does not appear to be one

of them - sadly

 

[Gypsy]

Sometimes people get trapped in their own realities and need to be snapped out of them. She might just not be able to see past her own frustrations, and needs to be told what the effect of that is on you. If she is a good friends she'll snap out of it, and be more supportive.

It's happened to me and my lifelong friends before. For example, one of my friends is a grad student-- and she had some trouble understanding I don't get copious amounts of vacation time anymore-- or have the option of skipping a Monday or Friday class to get a three day weekend. And well... it was really frustrating. So, I just told her point blank that she needs to understand the situation I'm in and realize that while I'd love to meet her in Vegas on a whim I CAN'T. She was receptive and understanding after that.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/22/2007 4:25:23 PM
Author: Gypsy
Sometimes people get trapped in their own realities and need to be snapped out of them. She might just not be able to see past her own frustrations, and needs to be told what the effect of that is on you. If she is a good friends she''ll snap out of it, and be more supportive.

Couldn''t have said it better myself. I would be honest with her and say that you know her experiences have been different, but that you are happy and the way she talks to you is quite upsetting and is hurting your friendship. She may be defensive at first, but will hopefully put herself in your shoes and try to be a better friend.

 

[kcoursolle]

I think I would stop talking about my love life with her. If she feels the need to comment anyways, just say something like "I''m really happy and I would appreciate it if you would support my decisions even though we disagree about things."...and then change the subject.

I''m in academia too, and in general the atmosphere isn''t very "family friendly" for women...I constantly wonder how having a baby is going to go when I''m tenure track.

 

[JenniferB]

I hear ya on this one!!! I am going through kind of the same thing. My gf holds those beliefs you stated, but I KNOW it would change if her "boyluck" changed. I DID have the "talk" that PSers are referencing about a year ago, and felt that I was fairly diplomatic and unoffensive, and it worked....for awhile. I did have her be my MOH. She showed up at the church rehearsal after it was over, citing that she "went to the wrong church" - granted it was out of town for her...but she had been there for days and could have done some prudent ''splorin''! She did not take the time with my wedding planner, who was still there and willing to help, to learn how to put my veil down for me after it had been lifted, (don''t ask, there was a diamond tiara with a beaded veil, things got caught and snagged easily

). Anyhow, she messed it up during my actual wedding ceremony, but as karma would have it - the way it got caught made for the prettiest cascade and NO ONE but mom and planner could tell - it made all the pictures so pretty! So there!

She never got us a wedding present, and she had all expenses paid for any involvement with the wedding. AND, my PSgirls will appreciate this, I designed her a beautiful tourm and diamond pendant for her gift. It all kinda unravelled after that, I think she thought I "would back out" or "not go through with it" and when I did - she didn''t like it. I feel like she is waiting for something crappy to happen so she can jump in with an ITYS. (I told you so). Upon the return from our honeymoon, which admittedly was long, she said "sick of him yet?" in a non-joshing fashion.

Now like kcoursolle said, I pretty much keep anything

related to myself, or for other friends. I am like neatfreak said, weaning. Its ok, imo, to be a little cynical, jaded, whatever, - but I feel like after the person is engaged or married - it is for real, and people should not impose their value systems on you. It sux because you don''t want to have to compartmentalize friends...and you want (at least I do) a few core gfs who are perfect all around. I don''t want to have a "love friend" then a "fashion friend" then a "world events friend" etc - but if she''s been that way for awhile...I don''t think it will change.

Just make sure if you do ask her to be MOH, to feel certain she won''t ruin any aspect of your day. It is YOUR day, NOT her day to bash values you hold.

Come here to tell us all your goopy happy love stuff! I''m going to! I am just going to insist on diamond purchases for you by FI/DH - that is the extent of my meddling.

 

[zhuzhu]

Wow Jennifer, what a disappointmenting experience it must have been for you to have her as your MOH. Why did you decide to "chance" on asking her if you knew how negative she is in love/relationship? If i may ask?

 

[Kit]

Zhuzhu,

My guess is that she is probably depressed and her anger about her situation turned inwards is resulting in bitterness. It is hard, but if you approach her with pity and a gentle touch maybe that will help both of you deal.

 

[JenniferB]

Date: 5/23/2007 4:08:53 PM
Author: zhuzhu
Wow Jennifer, what a disappointmenting experience it must have been for you to have her as your MOH. Why did you decide to ''chance'' on asking her if you knew how negative she is in love/relationship? If i may ask?

She has/had, aside from her "negative" attitude towards all things relationshippy, been a *very* good friend. She is smart, funny, and up to the wedding-point, very reliable. I didn''t mind that she is negative in love issues, because to me, that is her business. I don''t try to push her to "go find love" and tell her "she needs a man" etc, or whatever the opposite attitude of negative re love is. I also thought, maybe naively, that including her in a wonderful ceremony and giving her a positive experience with love, weddings, interacting with my at the time FI, she would see that it IS okay for some people and to broaden her horizons.

Additionally, I "chanced" it with her to borrow your term - because she was a closer friend in many ways than my other army of sparkly-pink-shopping-fashionista-pals. We had a great friendship and fun times without significant incident, talked about real things. I chalked her negativeness up to her broken home as a childhood (as she oft spoke bitterly of it) and let her say whatever she wanted to about men and relationships. I shared a lot of the same views as her on some things, like women don''t need a man to be complete etc etc etc. I, unlike, most of the gfs was not on a "husband hunt" and think that appealed to her sensibilities, and maybe she felt betrayed when I did get engaged. Idk, and don''t think I''d get a straight answer at this point.

She by no means "ruined" the wedding or anything like that. I can''t think of any one else I would have subbed for her (I don''t have any sisters). I try to look at it positively in that now I''ve seen a deeper/different side to her - and to keep that in mind. We are still friends, but I do have another level of awareness re her behaviors, and have put a little distance there on some issues. I don''t mind at all that she or anyone has polar opposite viewpoints than mine, it is what makes the world go round! But, I do have a problem with ppl choking me with their views. It is okay for her to be negative in her life, but I expected a little more respect than to bring it to my chapel doors, yanno? So, long-winded, that is why I chanced it. I thought she would not bring it INTO my wedding day, but she did, and now I know.

What is your main issue with your potential MOH? Same as mine? Do you have a sister(s)? How soon do you have to map everything out? You may have time to test the waters...?

AND P.S. to the PSers here, this will light the fires under any diamond lover

:
We went shopping one day and passed a really cute jewelry boutique, (post-wedding-day by about 3 months maybe) and she stopped in the window and pointed at a ring with a cluster of tiny blue sapphires (or some like colored stone idk) and said "that is what I''D want for my wedding ring. I would NOT want a freaking spotlight on my hand like yours, it''s just too big."

(If you are like me and newish here and can''t keep PSers rings straight mine is 3.3ct RB with 1ct setting, and 2 ct wband). Maybe I should shoot her a link to the SMTR thread and she can tell people in there about their spotlights. Please I''d wear a 15 ct diamond if it was cut right and set right and didn''t look like glass. Wait! No, that''s not true, it would just have to be cut right!) I am not a small colored stones cluster type girl for an ering, but I would have NEVER said that to her or to anyone like that ["NOT like yours...]

 

[zhuzhu]

The engagement/wedding is still sometime away. My friend is cynical of dating/relationship already, I guess she will be pissed when I finally get engaged.... Girlfriends can be so weird sometimes, aren''t they?