Home How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies?

[Lanie]

...or imparting advice that is clearly opposite of what you feel comfortable with? I still have 4+ months until I deliver and I've already experienced these comments:

"Ohhhh...you're going to circumsize your little baby? We didn't and I'm so glad we made that choice bc I witnessed a baby being circumsized and they strapped him to a table and he was all alone screaming his little head off..."

"WELL my daycare does instruction not only in English and Spanish, but they teach French as well! He will be SO advanced once he gets to Kindergarten. You should switch over to mine!"

"You have to go back to work after he's born? That's too bad. I am so thankful of our financial situation that I can be the one to hear his first words rather than some lady at a daycare center."

And this was one mom friend of mine talking to another mom friend of mine "Jacob rolled so early, and started talking earlier than the rest of the kids in his playgroup. I can't give advice bc I'm pretty sure Jacob is gifted, but I'm sure your son is fine even though he hasn't rolled over yet, but I'd ask your pedi just to be sure there's nothing wrong with him."

This post is more of a vent and I don't really have a question, but just wanted to start a discussion of how you girls handled similar situations. I have 3 other close friends who will have little ones the same time as me, and I have lots of opinionated relatives and aquaintances who LOVE to comment on their own experiences, and I don't want to fall into the trap of comparing my baby! I am confident I'll be a great parent. I am very grounded and realize that babies develop at different rates, and that there's no textbook anything...that you should do what feels comfortable for YOU and your baby, etc etc etc. And I'm very good at smiling and saying "Interesting...I'll take that into consideration". Or "That's what's best for our situation." But I can't help but feel a little miffed when I hear comments like this! My DH says I value what other people say too much, and that may be true. I've always hated the keeping up with the Jones's mentality, but I have a feeling it's going to get a lot worse!

 

[TravelingGal]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

LOL, welcome to the world of parenthood!

First, I don't think that any of that is going to change. It gets worse. And you'll do your share of comparing in your head. Mostly because every mom wants to feel like her child is developing normally.

I think all of that can be controlled with what you want for your child. It sounds trite, but I mean this seriously: I don't want a beautiful child. I don't want a genius child. I don't want a fast child, and if I were honest, I don't want a slow child.

I want a HAPPY child. And I want a happy FAMILY. For me, that means my main priority is family balance, and teach my kid some boundaries.

There are plenty of things that I don't agree with that other families do. I try and keep it to myself. That's THEIR family; it works for them. I know what works for mine and I feel secure that I'm doing my best to do the right thing.

 

[meresal]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

LOL... Mom's with babies that are actually advanced, don't NEED to talk about it. It will be obvious.

If someone asks me a question about whether C has done something or not, I answer... but I never give out tidbits of C's latest achievements. (Other than PS of course) No one cares except for you and your own family. Let the mother's that don't undersand this make themselves look foolish. --> Like the ones in your post.

Just try not to compare your child to anyone else. It isn't hard, just be happy for each baby and their recent achievement. There is nothing that says if a baby isn't walking by 9 months, they will be doomed for life. They will coo, smile, crawl, walk, and talk when they are ready. THAT is all that matters. Your doctor will ask you the important questions, and if they seem worried then they will say something to you. Don't let other mom's in the group make you feel like your child is behind. Like Tgal said, the most important thing for a baby to be, is Happy.

You will learn to laugh at any mom that openly uses the words *gifted* and *advanced* in day-to-day conversation.

 

[TravelingGal]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

LOL... Mom's with babies that are actually advanced, don't NEED to talk about it. It will be obvious.

If someone asks me a question about whether C has done something or not, I answer... but I never give out tidbits of C's latest achievements. (Other than PS of course) No one cares except for you and your own family. Let the mother's that don't undersand this make themselves look foolish. --> Like the ones in your post.

Just try not to compare your child to anyone else. It isn't hard, just be happy for each baby and their recent achievement. There is nothing that says if a baby isn't walking by 9 months, they will be doomed for life. They will coo, smile, crawl, walk, and talk when they are ready. THAT is all that matters. Your doctor will ask you the important questions, and if they seem worried then they will say something to you. Don't let other mom's in the group make you feel like your child is behind. Like Tgal said, the most important thing for a baby to be, is Happy.

You will learn to laugh at any mom that openly uses the words *gifted* and *advanced* in day-to-day conversation.

I would have to laugh if I heard that. Seriously, I know many many moms and I've never heard any of them call their kid gift or advanced.

My kid walked at nearly 16 months and didn't talk much until 20. Honestly, if you took note with her peers right now, you couldn't tell (besides the fact she's a bit unco.)

I think one of best traits to have is be good at social interaction. I think happiness and security go a long way in aiding this. Amelia IS happy, and I notice that all her teachers really do seem to like her (even the church ones, who aren't paid to!) and I think that will go along way in helping her along at school, not her brain. I wasn't a smart kid at all...not dumb, but not GATE material. My teacher put me in with the GATE kids, simply because she liked me. I was respectful, and even back then, not all kids were.

Anyhoo...the list is endless if you want to be competitive. I think it'd cut my life short with stress and my ultimate goal is to be around 100 years so I can be with the kid as long as possible. It would be counter productive for me to be competitive!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I had the opposite problem. I had a friend yell at me (not meanly of course) b/c I would always make jokes that DD was slow. I would say things like "good thing she is pretty." I seriously felt like my kid was behind. I firmly believe, however, kids kinda level out at a certain age. I never stressed about the words my daughter knew (or didn't). I never used flash cards like many of my friends IRL. I don't quiz her and don't send her to an academic based preschool. She is a kid. She should be a kid.

As for the parenting comments you need to learn to IGNORE. I got crap when I was BFing. I got crap when I stopped. It is a no win situation because everyone has an opinion and *most* people think their opinions are facts. I just try to surround myself with moms like me. Ones that won't criticize, offer unsolicited advice, or make me feel like a bad mom. I am just doing the best I can. Every. Single. Day.

 

[ChinaCat]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

As always, ditto TGal and Tacori.

Whenever a mom tries to impress on me how genius her kid is because he/she did something early or on time, I think to myself that ALL babies eventually roll over, sit up, crawl and walk. They all talk and become teen-agers. I don't ever recall reading any study that showed that Einstein or Oprah crawled early and therefore that is the key to their success. I don't ever see successful or smart people asked in interviews, "So how old were you when you walked/talked/learned not to poop in your pants?"

It's hard not to think your kid is a genius because there is something so AMAZING about watching a baby grow and learn. The first time O actually used his fingers to grasp something I was in awe. And watching him figure things out (if I drop something, it falls, if I let go, I can walk) is mesmerizing. BUT it's what all babies do.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I don't think I have ever had a conversation like that with another mother! I don't say those things, but they don't say them to me either. Honestly, I rarely talk about my kid when we are out and about in my daily life. It doesn't come up often with my friends, many of whom are moms, unless we have a problem or need advice, or have a funny story. Usually we talk about ourselves

I think part of the reason that the women you describe are gloating about their children's development is because a huge part of their identity is all wrapped up in being MOMMY. For me, mommy is part of who I am, but it is not the sum total. I know that women vary on this, and for some the mommy role is more dominant than it is for others, but I don't think it is healthy to have your whole identity co-opted by one role or your whole life's meaning all wrapped up in your kids. Nor is it healthy to have career be your whole identity and life's meaning. Balance. Those women who say such inane things don't seem balanced to me.

I do take private personal pride in the fact that my son is superiour to every other child we meet and DH and I do enjoy talking privately together about how he is cuter, more sociable, more confident than other kids. But that is our bias and perhaps the luck of the genetic draw in some areas where he is actually superiour, and why brag about that? Why take pride in luck?

In the end, he is who he is. He is Hunter, my little monkey of a son, and that is enough for me without worrying too much about how he compares to other kids.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

...Whenever a mom tries to impress on me how genius her kid is because he/she did something early or on time, I think to myself that ALL babies eventually roll over, sit up, crawl and walk. They all talk and become teen-agers. I don't ever recall reading any study that showed that Einstein or Oprah crawled early and therefore that is the key to their success. I don't ever see successful or smart people asked in interviews, "So how old were you when you walked/talked/learned not to poop in your pants?"...

LOL! I totally agree! I think it is hilarious to take pride in accomplishing something that *everyone* does and that is totally inconsequential for later success.

 

[Shoopy]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I'm going to ditto the smart ladies above

I try to remind myself that she will do what she will do when she does it. A lot of what she has done has been criticized because I guess she's a bit late compared to other children. It gets to me when I let it but most of the times I ignore it. Right now she's 13 months and not walking. Everyone around me compares her to other children and claim she's lazy which stings but I brush it off.

Also a side tidbit, you'll be amazed at how little people know about baby development! The things people say amaze me

 

[meresal]

!

I'm going to ditto the smart ladies above

I try to remind myself that she will do what she will do when she does it. A lot of what she has done has been criticized because I guess she's a bit late compared to other children. It gets to me when I let it but most of the times I ignore it. Right now she's 13 months and not walking. Everyone around me compares her to other children and claim she's lazy which stings but I brush it off.

Also a side tidbit, you'll be amazed at how little people know about baby development! The things people say amaze me

and to that I say... what the heck is wrong with a baby being "lazy" and taking thier time to do things? It is the only time in your life that you will ever be carried, fed, and rocked... I applaud her for making the most of it!

ETA:
Tgal, DH and I have breakfast every Sunday morning at Denny's, and one week I had to listen to one of the waitresses talk about her *advanced* children for over 15 minutes. You have no idea how ridiculous it is to hear someone use the word advanced when talking about a baby. I laughed as soon as we got to the car.

 

[Shoopy]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Haha mere. She's just resourceful

 

[Lanie]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Thank you ladies! My close friends that are pregnant with me aren't competitive at all now, but I can just see that you can't help BUT compare, even if it's in your own head. I just need to learn to ignore comments and not let them put me down. And I also laughed at the "my baby is probably gifted" comment...he's only a year old. Give me a break!

 

[Mara]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

My MOM is the worst perpetrator on the whole 'gifted' thing. She kept saying how advanced and genius and gifted J was going to be. He'll be walking at 7 months. He'll be this. He'll be that.

My attitude is...he'll be doing whatever he wants whenever he wants. Sure we can practice things with him but it doesn't mean he'll be doing something super early (or super late!). He's got his whole life to be pressured to b e 'advanced' or whatever in school ... let the baby be a BABY!!!!

As for all the other stuff...you'll get tons of unsolicited parenting advice forever on!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I made a point not to read anything about baby development other than what I learned in university, which was very broad strokes about things. The fact is, the norms for development are so broad -- your baby will walk somewhere between 7 months and 18 months etc -- that it is nonsensical to talk about "late" and "early" unless your kid is walking at 3 months or something totally obscene. Not knowing the milestones was really good for me because I was never wondering if Hunter was ahead or behind. Turns out he did most things on the exact average and was actually late with words, did not say anything until 14 mo and then had a vocabulary explosion and is now "ahead" of other kids his age *shrug*. Ignorance is bliss about this stuff in my opinion.

 

[swingirl]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Haaaaaaa ha. Don't worry because you'll be joining in. Babies are exciting and full of surprises. It's a new experience for the parents and every one of us has felt like we were the first to have a baby and our experiences were somehow different than everybody else's. Just about every woman I know can recount her delivery like it was yesterday. And they can usually remember key moments in their baby's development.

In 4 months you'll have your own stories and opinions on how to do things. In the mean time just listen and nod to all the free advice because it won't end.

I really preferred knowing what the stages were and what to expect in the development department. There is a range, of course, but early intervention is very important if there are any issues.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I deal with it by knowing deep down that the kid in question is lovely, gifted, talented or whatever, but not a patch on my kid.

Quote from TGal- "Seriously, I know many many moms and I've never heard any of them call their kid gift or advanced."
You didn't get my emails? Pay attention!

You'll figure it out as you go along, I think one thing we learn quickly as parents is how to ignore well meaning but essentially unhelpful advice. If someone really pushes something, you can always use "oh, we can't do that. DH doesn't like the idea and we're a team..." whatever his feelings on the subject.

Jen

 

[MonkeyPie]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

My MOM is the worst perpetrator on the whole 'gifted' thing. She kept saying how advanced and genius and gifted J was going to be. He'll be walking at 7 months. He'll be this. He'll be that.

Mine, too lol. It's the First Grandbaby Curse!

 

[KimberlyH]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

My daughter is what some people would label as "slow" regarding development. She is also happy, healthy and thriving and it all tends to even out around 3 or so, except for children who have developmental disabilities. I was very concerned for about a month about this, and have since decided I need to let it go, and so I have. It's a conscious choice and effort on my part to acknowledge that my child is an individual who will grow and develop at her own pace and it's my job to cheer her on and assist her in learning, but not to fret because she giggled a bit "late" or refuses to roll over after doing so a few times.

I have a friend whose son was born 5 weeks after J and he's doing some of things that J isn't yet. She tries to keep it under wraps, I think she fears upsetting me, so I had a frank conversation with her about it. I want to hear about her son hitting milestones, because as a parent it's exciting and joyful to watch (and there are few people who do want to hear about it so you should gab at those who want to listen!). She's opened up a bit more since I told her I wanted to know these things.

In general I don't talk about my baby unless someone asks, and I tend to keep it brief because it's not all that thrilling to people other than my husband, my parents and I. I would take that route. And if someone offers unwanted advice I'd simply say "Thanks for sharing that information" and move on to another topic of discussion. There are very few people who have said or done things to offend me, in part because but I don't reveal a lot of information so I don't open myself up to others opinions, and if I want them I ask.

 

[Mara]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

My MOM is the worst perpetrator on the whole 'gifted' thing. She kept saying how advanced and genius and gifted J was going to be. He'll be walking at 7 months. He'll be this. He'll be that.

Mine, too lol. It's the First Grandbaby Curse!

YUP.

Her latest thing is ... he ONLY wants to walk, not crawl. And it is true that J has been 'walking' if you just hold his fingers for like a month now. He loves to do it. BUT I don't harbor any illusions it means he'll actually stand up and walk on his own anytime soon. He has yet to crawl, nor can he sit up on his own from laying down yet, not enough strength...she said 'Maybe he will skip crawling and just go straight to walking'. Um ok Mom!

Like DD I also don't really know much about WHEN the milestones should be hit. I found it was too stressful to think about it. Now I just know 'around when' he should maybe be doing something but it's more like a range.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Best way to deal with it? Ignore it. You're going to deal with BS like this for the rest of your life. It's best to develop a tough skin and a good way to politely tell someone to take their opinion and eff off now before the LO is here.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Lanie, it sounds like you'll be a considerate, reasonable mom! It's too bad some of your friends aren't, though!

I didn't really know how much I'd think about these things until the baby came. It's not that you really care if your kid rolls over before somebody else's, not really . . . it's just that you're eating, sleeping, breathing baby books and baby websites and it's all you think about, and if somebody else reports that their kid has done something your kid hasn't, you're like, "Egads! Perhaps my baby is stunted developmentally!" A few nights ago I had a dream that I had to change some stranger's kid's diaper and I was mad about it. Last night I dreamt some woman I barely knew had flown into town with a suitcase of her kid's old crap to pass along to me, and I was trying to figure out how to turn her down. I used to be a woman who was in wine clubs and dinner clubs and taught literature and journalism and now all I do is eat.sleep.breathe.dream baby.

The woman with the "gifted" baby . . . was she competitive and annoying before having babies? Perhaps this isn't just a parenting thing?

But it's definitely a good reminder to be sensitive when "comparing stats." We have very close friends with a baby born the same week as Claire, and while he is physically beyond her (crawling, climbing stairs, etc.), he has always been more high-maintenance and fussy. Just yesterday we were comparing notes: Does your play by herself so you can get stuff done? Does your baby freak out when he wakes up from a nap? And the answer to everything was that her baby was a handful and mine was pretty easy-going. But I remember that when we visited them in the hospital when he was 1 day old, he was already fussier than Claire. It's easy to take credit for the good stuff but I think it's just luck of the draw. So if your baby is advanced/easy-going/beautiful/etc. then be proud but don't take too much credit, and if your baby is fussy or not hitting milestones as fast as Baby Jones, then just be patient and enjoy each phase.

Ditto TG on just wanting a happy baby!

 

[somethingshiny]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I've never had moms tell me their children were gifted but when JT was a baby I was very aware of how "behind" he was. He didn't roll over until 7 months, didn't walk until 17 months. Then as he got older, I became very aware of how lacking he was in learning to read, etc. It took me a while to realize that he was perfectly fine and it was okay. He was able to remove a door hinge at 18 months, doing simple math at 3, and was showing compassion and empathy as well as a sense of humor at 2. So, although he may have appeared "behind" he was really just developing other skills. I think as a society we put a lot of stress on motor and verbal skills and sometimes ignore the others.

 

[Pandora II]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I've had more of the opposite problem...

Daisy has been pretty quick to learn to do things and seems very grown-up in someways for her age. A lot of our friends and relations compare their kids to her and there have been some offish comments and some that make me a bit sad. At one point I used to tell people that she was older than she was after one too many slightly bitter sounding remark about her being early at doing something.

One lot have a daughter who's nearly 4 months older and doesn't walk as well as Daisy does and they commented on this. I pointed out that their daughter is very tall for her age whereas Daisy is only 2nd centile and it's much harder for taller babies to learn to walk.

FIL's step-grand-daughter is 5 weeks younger than Daisy and has only just learnt to crawl at 13 months whereas D was crawling at 5 1/2 months. She's also way behind generally with milestones, and I know her parents keep comparing her with Daisy and getting worried and upset (as FIL tells me). Unfortunately neither of them are the brightest sandwiches in the picnic by a long shot and from what I have seen of the kid she takes after them. It's tricky as DH's family are all academic and high-achievers and FIL's second wife and family is the complete opposite (makes for interesting xmas's ) and there's a fair amount of jealousy as far as jobs, houses, lifestyles etc goes and I can only see it getting worse with children in the mix... exam results, schools, eugh I can't wait.

I'm quite careful not to boast about D's latest achievement - except to the doting grandparents of course - and especially not to other parents of small children. It's obvious that Daisy is bright, but being slower at doing things doesn't mean that other children aren't equally bright or brighter. Nearly all our friends went to either Oxford or Cambridge so none of them are stupid and yet all of us and all our children hit milestones at completely different times - DH spoke at 7 months, his brother at 3, both are clever but BIL is the more academic of the two.

I totally understand TGal's feelings on having a child who is too pretty or too clever or too anything really. I want a happy child above everything and hopefully a child with the confidence, emotional intelligence and social skills that I didn't as those are possibly more valuable in life than any 'gifted-ness'.

I find it quite odd that people feel the need to tell you their child is gifted or incredibly advanced - but then I tend to tell people my child is a badly behaved monster who never naps or stays still for a minute and who babysitters are scared off...

 

[Nashville]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I was absorbing it all like a sponge. People would say "Don't formula feed, breastfeed!" and I'd run home and research til my brain hurt. I was so fascinated and excited with every aspect of my pregnancy and being a mother, and I didn't have any kind of set way I knew I was going to parent.

I decided against a birth plan because I didn't want to be disappointed if it didn't go the way I wanted it to (it did, thankfully). I didn't pick a name until she was born. People would ask me questions about my plans for "attachment parenting" and "crying it out" and I was like "Oh, people do this?"

Now that she's born and toddling along her merry way, I'm pretty much the same. She's done a lot of things early and some things late. She walked at 9 months but can't deal with leaving her crib yet. She's starting to potty train but hates using a fork to eat. She talks and sings all day long but is just starting to learn colors.

I'm no expert, I'm not worried about her and am open to any and all advice. I filter what I want to keep and flush what I don't. Her pediatrician is "thrilled" with her development and says she's exactly on track for her age. I also like to remind myself when the urge to stress creeps in that I have a healthy child, and anything else is small potatoes.

 

[GliderPoss]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I'm not a mum yet but seriously Lanie, your comments from the other mums had me cracking up at work!!! Are these women freakin serious? What a joke! I'd ignore any comments - clearly all babies develop at different rates. I'm sure you'll be a terrific mum.

 

[Lanie]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

They were kind of funny in retrospect, mainly bc I saw how RIDICULOUS these moms were being. And I think it's just one of those things where they like to share how they did something and it comes off as being better than "my" way, if that makes sense.

The most hurtful have been from my brother who I love probably next best after my husband, and he's very opinionated about raising children, and I flat out don't agree with stuff he says. So when I tell him I am going to circumsize, or that I'm going to vaccinate my child, or *gasp* be a parent instead of a friend to my child, he goes off on a tirade about how these things are all bad and wrong.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

They were kind of funny in retrospect, mainly bc I saw how RIDICULOUS these moms were being. And I think it's just one of those things where they like to share how they did something and it comes off as being better than "my" way, if that makes sense.

The most hurtful have been from my brother who I love probably next best after my husband, and he's very opinionated about raising children, and I flat out don't agree with stuff he says. So when I tell him I am going to circumsize, or that I'm going to vaccinate my child, or *gasp* be a parent instead of a friend to my child, he goes off on a tirade about how these things are all bad and wrong.

Tell him it is none of hus beez-wax. Have you seen Tacori hula hool thread in hangout? Some people are just too liberal with their advice and you need to put your foot down.

 

[KimberlyH]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

I would stop sharing information with your brother, you don't open yourself up for advice if you don't put the information out there for people to comment. It can be hard, especially because you're close, but if it's hurtful make it a subject you don't discuss, and make it clear to him you aren't willing to talk to him about this topic anymore.

 

[Lanie]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

Kim -- that's entirely true. I'm younger, and he's the older, More Experienced One, so it's more often that he asks me what my plans are for XYZ so he can get on a soap box. But yes, I like your suggestion of just talking about something else. "Look! Is that a pony eating ice cream?"

Anyway -- thanks everyone for the replies!

 

[qtiekiki]

Re: How do you deal with comparing your baby to other babies

First, I compare my babies to other babies all the time. But I don't do it so that I can brag about them being more "advanced". It's more of a guaging method for me, to know that my babies are in the normal range. I think it's normal to compare. I just don't understand the bragging because all kids will eventually learn to sit, crawl, walk, speak, feed themselves, etc.

When someone brags about their kids, I do one of three things: mostly ignore, sometimes filter and research (for things that I haven't heard of, looked into or the kids are "behind" in, beyond the normal range), and the occasional snappy responses.

So far, Meena and Jaron had been hitting milestones in the normal range. And it's mostly ignore. SIL compares Meena and her son who is 3 weeks younger all the times. She will only talk about things that our nephew is more "advance" in. Like a few weeks ago right before we wean M off the paci, she said "oh, Meena is still using a paci. J hasn't use it since 1 year old." That comment alone wouldn't bother me since ideally we want M off the paci already. But combine that with the fact that our nephew is still drinking milk out of a bottle, it's very annoying. So I ignored. It's constantly going on with her. IGNORE, IGNORE.