Home How do you and your significant other handle this?

[Pandora II]

DH and I both have/had jobs that involved a lot of evening work - often at very short notice. So, I just ask DH in the morning if he''s eating at home or out and vice versa. Work commitments have always come first for both of us - although we do try to avoid them when it comes to special occasions/birthdays etc Since we both work in politics we often end up at the same events anyway.

Regarding going out that isn''t work related - other than stag parties/hen parties we don''t ever go out without the other. Neither of us drink and most of our friends are couples so it''s pretty easy.

Work permitting we normally play poker on Wednesdays and Sundays, although the last 6 weeks or so I haven''t gone as I''m just too tired and the bump is getting too big and heavy to sit there all evening. I don''t have a problem with DH going - and I know he''d rather I was there anyway. Plus I get the TV to myself and can watch all the programmes on nasty diseases that make DH go green!

Once in a while I''ll do a fake whinge:

Me: I see, conference on Monday, meetings all evening Tuesday, poker on Wednesday, and now a campaign meeting tonight... if you REALLY loved me....
DH: laughs
Me: Or at least introduce me to your mistress....

DH: Good grief, what an exhausting thought!

We try to keep at least one weekend day and Saturday evening completely free to do things together, and I would be annoyed if both days were taken up with other things.

The only thing that ever irritates me is if DH says he''ll eat at home and will call when he sets off - then forgets and gets back at 10pm and we have to start cooking dinner then. I have a freezer full of microwave curries for a reason!

What works better for us is to try and schedule days/evenings that we want - say I''d like to go to the Cinema next Thursday, I will try and book that a week or so in advance so that DH can block his diary out as far as work is concerned.

I would never ask ''permission'' or expect permission to be asked to go out. I think it''s common courtesy to let the person you live with know that you won''t be in so they don''t worry/cook dinner etc. I''d like a months notice for a whole weekend (so I can fix to do my own thing/see my parents etc), a week''s notice for a weekend day, a normal evening I''m happy to know on the day,.

What I see with some of my friends (and happened with some of my ex''s) was that they would want endless last minute boy''s nights out. Or the ''just going for a drink after work, back for supper'' phonecall and then rolling in at midnight. That would/did drive me crazy!

If your SO is having issues with being considerate - ie not phoning, not coming home when he says he will, breaking previous arrangements to go out with his friends, then it''s time to set ground rules - it''s not a case of him having to ask for permission, it''s a case of him showing respect for you.

 

[lliang_chi]

I usually let FI know "I''m going out the with The Girls on Thursday." Then I usually check if he needs me to make dinner or something, FI doesn''t cook. Or I''ll let him know I didn''t make anything and he should order in. FI usually does the same thing for (except for the cooking part). "I''m going out with X on Saturday." Normally if we''re both out with friends we''ll try to meet up.

 

[Sha]

I usually don''t ask - just kind of inform..... Kind of like, "Oh, hon, it''s XXX''s birthday on Saturday and we were thinking of going to the movies and then out for dinner after..." It''s not usually a problem. He''s fine with me spending time with the girls and I''m fine with him spending time with the guys, so we''re pretty flexible when it comes to plans with friends. Especially since it doesn''t happen very often. Usually it''s us spending time together most weekends, so if one weekend in the month I have plans with the girls it''s not an issue at all. I usually tell him as soon as I know - usually a couple days before. He would either go to the movies on his own/with a friend or just relax at home, when I go out, and I would do the same when he goes out.

 

[mayachel]

Date: 5/14/2009 1:00:22 AM
Author: Dannielle
Our situation is unique.. My two best girlfriends are in defacto relationships with FI''s two best mates.. we always do stuff as a big group

Wow! That sounds ideal Dannielle.

 

[trillionaire]

We are LDR, so we mostly just say what we have going on. (we''ve also tried the shared google calendar thing!) If I am making plans with others when I am visiting him, I either invite him, or let him know that I would really like him to attend. I can sometimes veto a ''no'' because we are LDR

, but I do so sparingly. I don''t mind visiting friends or family by myself, especially family since they hold me hostage!. He however, wants me to do EVERYTHING with him if he invites me. He gets really excited when I go, and bummed if I don''t, to the point that he wont go himself. lol, silly boy. He likes to take me to parties and work events, and his flag football games, hockey practices and capoeira classes to ''show me off''. I''m not complainin''! I do wish he had close friends in the area to hang out with more, though!

 

[Indylady]

We talk back and forth during the day, so we usually end up mentioning plans (day or night) but if they are night/late night/weekend type plans, we usually make more of a point to discuss to make sure that we aren''t planning on being together and for "safety" (for example, making sure the other gets home safely). I know some people hate this, but I love it when SO calls me or texts to see where I am and what I''m up to (for example, at a party) he''s not jealous or anything like that, and I don''t run away and spend the party talking to him on the phone or anything, but its nice cause I know he''s thinking of me.

 

[I Love My Sailor]

When My hubby and I make plans I will politly say something like

" so, I was planning on going to the movies with Amy on Friday"


If he has any objections (which he never does) he will let me know and will plan accordingly and its only if we had something important we needed to do, its never from some stupid reason. Usually my husband in the short notice one, he rarely goes out at all but it doesn''t bother me. He is in the Navy so once in a while he will run into a buddy from sub school who he has not seen in years and usually the person is in town for only a couple or few days. So, my husband will just tell me he is going and then if I don''t immediately say okay.. then he will ask me if its alright.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not really permission but he will say "hey is it okay if I go here with this person on this day?" He has told me plans the day or the day before. Usually I don''t care but I know I am more laid-back than most. I know about trips farther in advance of course! He goes on a few guys trips a year. Likewise he encourages me to go out with my friends.

 

[elrohwen]

Honestly, there's little we do socially without the other person. FI often plays basketball or softball with friends (1-3 times a week), but he does it enough that it's not a surprise. I just ask him every morning if he has a game and when he'll be home so I know what to do about dinner. I'll (very) occasionally go out for drinks after work and get home around 8, but that's not a problem because he's probably at the gym or a game anyway. I can't think of any weekend activities that we wouldn't do together. I travel so much for work that the weekends are very important to us and we almost always spend them doing things together. All of our friends are mutual (and couples) so there's no need to have a boys' night or a girls' night, we just hang out together.

 

[pennquaker09]

I always ask or inform him and he does the same with me. We don''t see a lot of each other because of Nate''s work, so we try to spend time together as a family when he''s off. Occasionally, some of his friends will come to NYC and he wants to do the "Boys Night Out" thing.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 5/13/2009 5:48:25 PM
Author: mayachel

Date: 5/13/2009 5:16:51 PM
Author: fieryred33143
You know, I never really realized this until now but we kind of do ask for permission without really asking for permission.

98.5% of the time it goes a little like this:

Mr. Mayachel: Hey do we have any plans next Saturday?
Mayachel: No, I don''t think so.
Mr. Mayachel: Okay, cause Joe asked if I wanted to go meet up with him...
Mayachel: OK, thanks for letting me know.

OR

Mayachel: Oh, really? I was hoping we could go do XYZ on Sat like we talked about.
Mr. Mayachel: Oh, I forgot about that. Okay, if it''s the only time we can do it, we should.

(Least you think I''ve got him whipped, this script works in reverse too)

I guess it comes down to trying to give as much notice as possible, be it 2 weeks or 2 hours. Sometimes free time is hard to come by, and 2 hours notice is all we have.
The chance to have plans as a couple always comes first. But each of us holds a heavy amount of veto power, which we use sparingly.

+1 - it goes nearly identically in my house, too.