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Home How do you and your significant other handle this?

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fabienne

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Mar 15, 2009
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When you or your SO/FI/DH have plans or outings with friends, for example "Boys Night Out"....how do you let the other person know...

Do you ask for permission?
Do you just inform them that you''re going out on such and such date?
How much notice do you usually give?
What do you considerate and inconsiderate?

This issue came up this morning with DH and I, so I was wondering what other couples do for some perspective.

Thanks
 
I had better have a week''s notice when plans are made that exclude me... I dont care if he has something on his social calendar, but I don''t want to be sitting at home talking to the cat because I didn''t have enough time to make plans on my own.
 
You know, I never really realized this until now but we kind of do ask for permission without really asking for permission.

When either of us want to go somewhere, we''ll say "Is it cool if I go here or there?" I''ve never seen it as asking for permission because its not like we would ever say "no" but when I read it, it kind of does sound like asking for permission. Hmmm

If I know ahead of time that I''m planning on going somewhere, I tell him right away. For example, if a friend calls me today to see if I want to go to a movie on Friday, I''ll tell him right away. He does the same.

I don''t think you need to ask for permission. You''re both adults. But I think its considerate to let each other know of any plans that come up from plans that are scheduled months in advance to a happy hour at 6 that you find out about at 4.
 
My bf''s best friend overheard me asking "Is it alright if I go out with Carrie to wherever this Saturday?" He was giving boyfriend a hard time about me asking permission when both of us know he''s not going to say "No you can''t go" or throw a big fit. The only contridiction there might be is "Oh, well I thought you were gonna go with me to wherever?"

I told the best friend, I''m not really asking permission and bf knows that. It''s more of an act of courtesy disguised as a question.
 
For us, we have kids, and DH works and goes to school and when he''s home he does a lot of chores, spend time with the kids and homework, so whenever he wants to do something with the boys, he usually ask if we have anything going for whatever day and ask if its ok with me,,, so it''s like we ask permission since we try to spend as much time with the family since we both work and our kids go to day care as well. as far as timeline, can''t really say, sometimes it''s a week in advance, other times, its the day before, but usually I plan for things in advance at least a week so he usually knows whats going on every week. But if it bothers me, he usually try to push his "boys night out" to another night or day.
 
We usually say that there is something happening on X day. The other person will mention if they thought that there were other plans on that day. Notice is anywhere from a couple of hours to weeks. I always want to know the dinner situation, even if it changes throughout the night. I don''t mind cooking dinner if he''s having after work drinks, but I want to know what time he''s coming home.
 
We normally just say it to each other. For example, D got invited to a boys night on friday night and he said it to me today when he was asked. I''d be the same in that I''d normally just say myself and whoever are heading out. If there''s a problem in that we had plans or if I needed D/he needed me for some reason then we''d discuss it. We don''t give each other notice either-if either of us gets invited out that day, we go usually.
 
We have no consistant procedure. Sometimes we will tell one or the other a few days ahead of time. Other times, I''ll get the urge to take off and will say, "bye, have fun with the kids!" and walk out the door! lol

The only thing I prefer is if my husband IS planning a long night out with friends is that I have a few movies at home for the kids and me, so it would be nice if he could inform me, but his friends often call him and ask him his plans that night.
 
Date: 5/13/2009 5:16:51 PM
Author: fieryred33143
You know, I never really realized this until now but we kind of do ask for permission without really asking for permission.
Click to expand...

98.5% of the time it goes a little like this:

Mr. Mayachel: Hey do we have any plans next Saturday?
Mayachel: No, I don''t think so.
Mr. Mayachel: Okay, cause Joe asked if I wanted to go meet up with him...
Mayachel: OK, thanks for letting me know.

OR

Mayachel: Oh, really? I was hoping we could go do XYZ on Sat like we talked about.
Mr. Mayachel: Oh, I forgot about that. Okay, if it''s the only time we can do it, we should.

(Least you think I''ve got him whipped, this script works in reverse too)

I guess it comes down to trying to give as much notice as possible, be it 2 weeks or 2 hours. Sometimes free time is hard to come by, and 2 hours notice is all we have.
The chance to have plans as a couple always comes first. But each of us holds a heavy amount of veto power, which we use sparingly.
 
When we get an invite, either single/couples I usually let him know right away, [he takes a couple days/pnone] my calendar is in the kitchen kids/other things, we talk PRIOR to commitment, it has worked out for years......
 
Normally we''ll kind of say, "Hey, got any plans this weekend?" or something along those lines to find out each other''s schedule. But we don''t really consult each other when making plans with other people, we just kind of inform each other of the plans. One of us might say, "Oh, I thought we were doing this," or "I was hoping we''d do x," in which case plans with friends usually get cancelled (but really it depends on which plans are most important to which person).
 
Date: 5/13/2009 5:07:08 PM
Author:fabienne
When you or your SO/FI/DH have plans or outings with friends, for example 'Boys Night Out'....how do you let the other person know...

Do you ask for permission?
Do you just inform them that you're going out on such and such date?
How much notice do you usually give?
What do you considerate and inconsiderate?

This issue came up this morning with DH and I, so I was wondering what other couples do for some perspective.

Thanks
Click to expand...
We do this and we usually try to give each other about a week's notice or more.

ETA Actually, we do what Firey said! LOL!
 
I guess it''s sort of like what Fiery said - we ask for permission but never really think of it as "asking for permission."

Conversation that might take place:

Mr. Lilac - "My friends want to do something on Sunday night, do we have anything going on or do you need me for anything?"
Lilac - "No, I don''t think so. I''ll call my friends and see if I can do something with them also."

or "Yes, I think we had something planned that day. Can you reschedule?"

He never makes set plans without checking with me first and I don''t make plans without checking with him first. Not because we feel like we "need permission," it''s more like us trying to be considerate of each other and thinking of each other first.
 
A SO should merely inform the other person. A SO owes no explanation. And since you should not be living with a SO, what they do and when they do it shouldn't be your business.

A FI should state their intention to go out with friends, and see if that is a problem ONLY in the event of some conflict of schedule.

A spouse should know exactly how the other will react, whether it is important or irrelevant, and proceed from there. **Unless the friends are complete jerks, there shouldn't be any conflict.**

But . . . they should check with the other to make sure that their 'hang time' with friends will not interfere with anything more important, or already scheduled. I don't really view that as 'asking for permission'. It's just a little common courtesy to consider your spouse (or FI) first before others.
 
We don''t ask, we inform. Notice varies. All very casual really.
 
I just say something like "The girls invited me out for Saturday, did you have anything in mind for that night?" If not, I go out. If so, I stay with DH.

It's all very informal. We try to give each other as much notice as possible, but if something comes up last minute, that's okay, too.

This has never been an issue for us, really. I can't imagine this being a situation that causes problems unless one of us tries to bail on something that we know is important to the other, which isn't something we'd ever do, anyway.
 
We hardly ever do anything, but when we do, it sounds like what Mayachel does.
 
I wish my husband would go out with his friends!! I don''t think he does it enough. I don''t do it a ton either- most of my close friends live in other states. When we do go out seperately, it''s generally a "what do we have planned for such and such date?" If there''s nothing going on, then which ever one of us is making plans give details. We''re very spur of the moment people, so advance notice isn''t a big deal really.
 
We have a calendar on the fridge, so I write my events down and then remind him several days beforehand. It''s usually me doing this because Steve is a homebody and I have a lot of volunteer commitments, but when he goes out with friends he does the same thing. Not so much asking permission as letting the other person know what''s going on.
 
I usually tell FF right away when I know of plans, whether its 1 day or 1 month ahead of time. He does the same.

No permission asking.

I consider it to be inconsiderate when he forgets to tell me his plans, or makes plans when we already had plans because he forgot.

If we both make a lot of plans, and don''t get a night together... well...that happens sometimes. Ah well.
 
We have a shared calendar so after consulting with that to see if "we" have anything planned I'll say "Mind if I go out with the girls this weekend?"

And I only ask if he minds because it means he is then at home with our 5 month old twins.
1.gif


Before babies it was "I'm going to go out with the girls this weekend." As to timeframe we both give each other as much notice as possible but we also sometimes will go out last minute as well.
 
DH doesn't do anything without me when I'm home. He goes to lunch with friends during the week and usually just tells me afterwards "I had lunch with [insert name here] today (or yesterday, or last week)."

I go out without him once a month or so. I check with him to make sure we don't have plans when I do things without him at night/on weekends. If it's something like getting together with a girlfriend to exercise I let him know the same day, "I'm walking with X tonight." If it's a trip (my closest girlfriends are 500 miles away, I visit once every 6 months or so) I let him know when I'd like to go and he plans the trip for me (makes all my reservations). I visit my parents alone once every month or two for a weekend and I typically let him know a week or so in advance if I plan to do that.

I'm a loner, so I'd never be bothered if DH made plans as long as they weren't instead of something we were already supposed to be doing. The idea of a Friday night alone with my book is quite appealing. He's a scheduled guy, so I give him advanced notice when possible, but he's never been upset about when I've let him know my plans, he just doesn't like for them to change.
 
Date: 5/13/2009 5:48:25 PM
Author: mayachel
Date: 5/13/2009 5:16:51 PM

Author: fieryred33143

You know, I never really realized this until now but we kind of do ask for permission without really asking for permission.
Click to expand...


98.5% of the time it goes a little like this:


Mr. Mayachel: Hey do we have any plans next Saturday?

Mayachel: No, I don''t think so.

Mr. Mayachel: Okay, cause Joe asked if I wanted to go meet up with him...

Mayachel: OK, thanks for letting me know.


OR


Mayachel: Oh, really? I was hoping we could go do XYZ on Sat like we talked about.

Mr. Mayachel: Oh, I forgot about that. Okay, if it''s the only time we can do it, we should.


(Least you think I''ve got him whipped, this script works in reverse too)


I guess it comes down to trying to give as much notice as possible, be it 2 weeks or 2 hours. Sometimes free time is hard to come by, and 2 hours notice is all we have.

The chance to have plans as a couple always comes first. But each of us holds a heavy amount of veto power, which we use sparingly.
Click to expand...

Yupp. This is exactly how we do it, though I''ll admit there''s the occasional slip-up where it''s "OMG, I forgot that I''d sortof made plans - is this OK with you?!?!"
 
Our situation is unique.. My two best girlfriends are in defacto relationships with FI''s two best mates.. we always do stuff as a big group
1.gif
 
I usually let FI know as I am planning stuff, that way I clear it with him and make sure we didn''t have plans first, but I don''t consider it asking for permission. He is the same way, we usually say hey I am thinking of doing such and such. The only time it really annoys me is when he makes plans for the both of us and just mentions it as a by the way...this just gets to me when it is with a certain couple I don''t like because then I am stuck and cannot make other plans.
 
we both normally say something along the lines of "hey, xxx wants to do something on xx day, that okay?"...its not really asking for permission, but just a heads up and a courtesy move..the ''advance'' notice can be anything from 1 month in advance to the same day depending on when the ''event'' got planned...
 
Well... we have individual calendars in our iPhones, which then sync with our joint calendar when we connect said phones to our individual Macs. No scheduling conflict = no problem.

Seriously, we don''t ask for permission, but we do check that plans that don''t include the other are ok. It''s usually along the lines of ''I''ll be having a few drinks, so could you please come and pick me up?''
 
For us, it depends on the day of the night out and what it entails. This past week, my girlfriends and I had a "girls night" that consisted of us getting together, making a kind of pot luck dinner, and watching Bride Wars at one of the girl''s houses because she recently had a baby. It was on a Monday night. Once we finalized the plans, I basically just told dh that I would be gone Monday night to do this and he was on his own for dinner. He then informed me that it worked out well because the Pens were playing and he was hoping to get together with the guys to watch it.

However, if it is on a weekend when DH and I might have plans together or one of us made plans for the both of us, we would definitely ask more than tell, and try to give more notice. It''s not really asking permission though, it''s more asking "did we have any plans already? would you be disappointed or bored if I made plans without you?"

And finally, if the night out involves something more complicated or, I don''t know how to describe it, but I guess, risky behavior, like going to bars or anything else with alcohol, we would definitely ask more like "would it bother you if I went to this place without you? what is your comfort level with these plans?"
 
We usually just tell each other of our plans as they come up. No pomp and circumstance for us, we''re very laid back socially. My DH belongs to an adult hockey league which plays weekly (sometime multiple nights a week) and also has a monthly pool outtings with his friends...and I encourage these things. It''s about balance for us. I''m not his warden...I want him to have decompression time (his job is very stressful right now)...and I personally like my quiet time to read, play with the dogs, catch up on laundry or just watch a stupid movie only I''d enjoy. And fortunately, this does work in reverse as well...I''m free to make plans with friends--last minute or well in advance. I take girls weekends, spa days and other sorts of female-bonding time and I never get any backlash.
 
it depends on the activity. Ususally we just start with "hey, do we have plans for the weekend?" we have both forgotten to tell, or remind eachother of plans so it usually works better this way.
Day time activities usually we dont ask permission, but inform as a courtosy
"Hey, J & I are thinking about going to the mall this day".

Night time, is different, of course. and it just invoices E asking if i mind that he goes over to a friend house to stay the night (all nighters playing video games... no thanks!)
 
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