How do you address your in-laws?

[hoofbeats95]

I'm about to be a newlywed and wasn't sure where to post this. I will have a mother-in-law only as my future FIL just passed away this weekend. I'm having a hard time with what to call her. For example, there are two other in-laws in the family and both of them refer to her as "mom" and also referred to my FI's dad as "dad". His BIL doesn't have family in the area - his parents live up north. I thought he kind of "adopted" them as his parents so to speak and I never thought much of it. My FI's SIL though is from the area and she refers to my FMIL as "mom". Sometimes it throws me off guard as I've met her mother and sometimes I haven't been sure which mom she's talking about. We live on the same property as my FMIL as my FI is taking over the farm. My parents live literally 2 miles down the road. I don't think this is a proximity issue necessarily, but I just can't call her Mom. In my brain I hear myself thinking "I have a mom. She lives right down the road." LOL. I'm a hot mess! I call her by her first name, but I feel sort of out of place being the only one to do so. How common is it to refer to your in-laws as "mom" and "dad"? I also am not that close to my FMIL. She's rubbed me wrong a few too many times. So that makes it even harder!

 

[Haven]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Hoofbeats.

I called my FIL "Mr. Surname" for the first few years that DH and I were dating. Once we were married I was already pretty close to his family, and I started calling him "Dad." My former SIL (they're now divorced) called him Dad, and it really just felt right. My MIL passed away right before I met DH, so I never had the chance to know her.

My husband calls my parents by their first names because that is what seems right to him. The first time he met them they told him to call them by their first names, so he's been using them for nearly seven years now.

I think it has a lot to do with the family traditions. In my family most of the adults go by their first names. (Heck, I called my grandmother by her first name my entire life!) In DH's family most of the adults go by titles and surnames until you're part of the family, at which point the in-laws call them by whatever is most comfortable, either "Mom" or "Dad" or their first names.

I think you should call your FMIL whatever feels best to you, though. If you aren't comfortable calling her Mom, don't! I actually don't think I could have called my MIL Mom if I had gotten the chance to know her because I'm so close to my mom it would have felt very strange. I'm not as close to my dad, so it's a different story.

 

[lulu66]

i think this is a great question, hoofbeats. for yourself, i would also call FMIL whatever you feel most comfortable with. (or you could ask her what she would prefer you call her. but i would probably do the former.)

personally, i call my ILs by their first name. but there was never really any issue or thought behind it b/c my DH calls his parents by their first name 90% of the time and 99% of the time when he's addressing them.

he also calls my parents by their first name. although my mother requested that he call her "Marmie FirstName" ( like from "little women." my mother is insane, clearly! )

 

[mayerling]

I'll be married in less than six months and I'd love to start calling them mom and dad - that's what you do where I'm from. However, they never said I could call them that so I'll probably continue calling them what I call them now: Mr and Mrs whatever. It's annoying but, while they've said "you don't need to call us Mr and Mrs whatever", they never said what I should call them! And I know they didn't use mom and dad with their in-laws, and their other daughter-in-law calls them by their first name. I could never use their first name; that would be very disrespectful where I'm from.

 

[rubybeth]

I think, if you're comfortable using her first name and she has no objection to it, then go with that. She isn't your mom and if you don't have that close relationship with her, it would feel weird. I call my in-laws by their first names, including my DH's grandmother. In my family and his, everyone goes by first names (aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins, etc.) except for grandparents who are "Grandpa First Name and Grandma First Name" which cut down on confusion when THEIR parents were still alive, "Great Grandma First Name and Great Grandpa First Name."

 

[mrscushion]

I think you should feel free to call your FMIL by her first name.

I call my in-laws by their first name. FIL consistently signs his e-mails to me as "Dad," which had me pondering for a while about whether to call him "Dad" instead. However, since I don't really feel like calling MIL "Mom" (because, while I have a great relationship with her, I just don't feel at all like she's my mom), I decided I would stick with first names for both.

 

[sctsbride09]

Call them whatever you feel comfortable with. I call my inlaws by their first names, I wouldnt mind calling DHs dad "Dad" because mine is not in the picture, but I would NEVER call MIL MOM. I feel that would be an insult to my real mother, who raised me alone, as a single parent. So since I refuse to call MIL Mom, I cant very well call FIL Dad, (even though they are divorced) ya know?

 

[diamondringlover]

I call them by their first names, they never felt like "parents" to me...they dont really like me much, so this makes the most sense for both of us

 

[february2003bride]

I call my in-laws by their first names, which is actually a huge no-no in the indian culture (I'm American, DH's Indian). I'm suppose to call them Uncle and Auntie, but I had the same thoughts as you "But I HAVE an Uncle and 2 Aunts already" lol. DH was fine with whatever I called them, so I went with what made me comfortable. I'm sure my in-laws would prefer that I call them Uncle/Auntie but after so many years, they're over it!

Don't force yourself to call them Mom & Dad, go with what makes you comfortable.

 

[chemgirl]

Ummm...I sort of talk at them to avoid the issue.

For some reason, I have no problem calling his step parents by their first names, but it feels weird to call his bio parents by theirs. Probably because whenever I'm around them all I hear is "Mom" and "Dad" so it seems awkward to jump in with their first names. On the other hand, it would be extremely awkward to call them Mom and Dad. We don't see either very often so calling them something so personal feels wrong.

 

[sunnyd]

We've been married just about a year and a half, and I've just sort of eased into calling them Mom and Dad. It feels funny to call someone who's not your mom 'Mom', but I'm getting used to it! Not that I'd have to, but I do want to call them that, if that makes sense...

My parents have always called their inlaws Mom and Dad, but my inlaws call their inlaws by their first names. There's no right way, just what makes you comfortable! My DH has said that he probably wouldn't call my parents mom and dad, and that works for him.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[mary poppins]

Address them in whatever way you are most comfortable.

I call my in laws by their first names. My BIL, who has been a part of the family I married into for a lot longer than I have, calls them "mom" and "dad." I don't know if they expected me to call them "mom" and "dad" also, but it didn't feel right for me since I already have a mom and dad. DH addresses my parents by their first names.

 

[swingirl]

It's awkward. My brother and sister in-laws didn't seem to address my DH's parents by any name so I had nothing to go by. I decided to just ask my MIL what she'd like me to call her. She said, Mom or first name, whichever I felt most comfortable doing and I said "first name". She said she totally understood and she never called her MIL "mom" either.

My mother, on the other hand, asked my DH to call her "ma" and it just fit because she was a "ma in the kitchen" kind of a woman. We both call the FILs by their first names.

 

[slg47]

I have been calling FI's parents Mr and Mrs for a while (and then realized I should have been calling Dr all the while...). They said I can call them by their first names, so I will do that (but it feels weird!!!!)

 

[annadragon]

I think that first names are appropriate. You are (or will be) part of the family. If calling your in-laws "mom" or "dad" is uncomfortable then don't do it. Forced endearment will be awkward.

I know this will sound weird but I've only met my in-laws (DH's mom and step-dad, never his bio-dad) a few times. However, we play on-line games with them like WoW and Rift. This makes me more apt to refer to my MIL as her character name than her real name She seems fine with it so I just roll it.

DH calls my parents and step-dad by their first names.

 

[ladypirate]

My husband has known my parents longer than he's known me (we met because he worked the same place as my dad), so he calls them by their first names. I call his parents by their first names as well (that's how we were introduced and they're pretty laid back people) but his 92 year old grandma asked me to call her "Grandma" even before we were married, so I do. I think it would be weird for me to call his parents mom and dad, but I could see him doing it with my parents. I think it's more of a matter of the relationship you have with them.

 

[Shameless]

Ummm...I sort of talk at them to avoid the issue.

For some reason, I have no problem calling his step parents by their first names, but it feels weird to call his bio parents by theirs. Probably because whenever I'm around them all I hear is "Mom" and "Dad" so it seems awkward to jump in with their first names. On the other hand, it would be extremely awkward to call them Mom and Dad. We don't see either very often so calling them something so personal feels wrong.

This.

 

[missy]

I'm sorry about the loss of your FIL hoofbeats.

My 2 SIL's (my dh's brother's wives) call my MIL Busia (which I think is Polish for grandmother) since that is what their children call her.
I have always called her by her first name (past 12 years) and feel very comfortable doing so. My dh calls my parents mom and pop as he is very close to them and it is comfortable for him to call them that.

The most important thing is that you are comfortable calling your MIL whatever you decide is right for you. Mom is a very intimate word/name to call someone and if you don't feel OK with it I don't think you should.

 

[mrsjacob]

My husband has really cute way of addressing my mother. Her last name is Pugh, so he calls her "Mom Pugh".

 

[centralsquare]

I think you need to determine what you feel most comfortable with. You're going to be family and you don't want to ever feel uncomfortable around your family. If she wants you to call her 'mom,' them maybe that will become more natural over time. Probably once you have kids, you'll be calling her "grandma" around them...so you may be able to bypass the 'mom' stage.