How do I say no?

[makemepretty]

It sounds like you're being an inflexible grouch, honestly. One night isn't going to kill you, and if your SO would love it, I don't see why you wouldn't just suck it up.

 

[Tuckins1]

Don't say its because of the kids. No matter how bratty and rude the kids might be, it will DEFINITELY offend your neighbors and it will jade them... Whenever they ask, just politely decline and say you have other arrangements, or you're sick, etc...

 

[JewelFreak]

Kenny, it is a narrow line to walk with neighbors you like but don't want to socialize with. Danny's right, though -- don't mention their kids. They are unlikely to take it well. More likely to write you & SO off, which is awkward w/next-door neighbors.

DH & I stopped accepting party invitations w/our neighbors who always included rug rats when inviting the parents -- got totally tired of little gnomes sticking fingers into dips, crawling over my feet under the table & being constantly corrected by mom & dad in the midst of conversations, when they should've been in bed hours & hours earlier.

If your SO loves children & is good with them, possibly he could keep them occupied & out of the way? I like the idea of taking a coloring book or something & he can color with them.

Since they haven't asked specifically yet, I wouldn't worry. Enough to smile noncommitally when they mention "sometime," then hear your mother calling you & rush off.

--- Laurie

 

[ame]

It sounds like you're being an inflexible grouch, honestly. One night isn't going to kill you, and if your SO would love it, I don't see why you wouldn't just suck it up.

I was just going to post this. I am not a fan of kids who are not well parented, but kids have moments beyond parents control sometimes. Let your SO enjoy himself and hope they are ok because he's there playing with them.

 

[yssie]

Huge ditto - don't say it's the kids... unless you don't mind being totally written off.


I do want to ask - are your neighbours by any chance from a different culture? I ask because children in my own culture (I'm South Indian) are for the most part babied far, far too much, and adults will put up will all sorts of nonsense. My nine year old cousin was playing with the coconuts on the stage at my wedding in the middle of the ceremony, running around, jumping in front of the camera... I was scolded for giving him the dressing down he so desperately needed, and told that "he's just a child!". That infuriating "they're children, and children will be children" mentality is cultural, though, for much of my family...

 

[TristanC]

Thanks all.

Hey Tristan, I just saw the 6 Argyle Tender pinks Leibish bought.
They are not listed yet in the regular inventory but here is how to find them.
Go to the site and click on one of the new Pink Diamond Festival icons.
It will take you to a page, scroll down and find the Argyle Tender stones.

Three have me drooling...
0.36 ct Fancy Vivid Pink Asscher
0.42 ct Fancy Deep Pink Emerald cut
0.65 ct Fancy intense Purplish Pink Emerald cut.

That 0.36 had my name on it... sold the instant they put it up. I like the FDP less than the 0.47 fancy deep pink (also argyle), better stone, but not tender. And this one was probably more expensive at 104K for the 0.42ct. The 0.65 isn't back from grading yet... I'm checking in on it but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I've asked about them all.

Realistically, if it was a Argyle tender gem, there is a further huge premium on top of whatever huge premium... so that 0.36 was probably the only thing I could have bought. Real shame it went so quick.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Kenny,
Having delved deep into my own childhood past, and as a woman who absolutely cannot stand children, I completely understand where you are coming from. If I were in your situation I would be completely honest and say that you are not comfortable around children and would prefer to go to a restaurant. If your childhood was anything like mine, sometimes sucking it up doesn't just mean for one night but also means dealing with the flood of emotions that can come from that one night. It's not worth putting yourself into situations that will cause that. Good Luck to you and maybe your SO can offer to babysit sometime so he can get his kid fix

 

[pregcurious]

Kenny, I think you're fine. Before I had a baby, I thought kids who behaved badly were a big pain. Now, my main emotion is sympathy for their parents...and realizing that bad behavior is a pain, not the kid as a whole.

That said, your feelings are your feelings, and I think it's fine for you acknowledge them as you do. Invite the parents for a late night out, after the kids are sleep. Just say, "hey, my SO and I were wondering if you wanted to go out bowling (drinking, to a movie, whatever) after your kids go to sleep." I understand that my friends without kids don't always appreciate hanging out with my toddler.

 

[kenny]

I do want to ask - are your neighbours by any chance from a different culture? I ask because children in my own culture (I'm South Indian) are for the most part babied far, far too much, and adults will put up will all sorts of nonsense.

Nope, we have the same race, culture, nationality, education level, income level.
It is just not usual that they are both fluent in Spanish and speak to their kids both languages.

 

[yennyfire]

If its a dinner invitation are you sure the children will even still be up? Mine are 16 months and 3 yrs old and go to bed at 6-6.30pm. Unless its someone that particuarly wants to see them or a relative then they are usually in bed before any dinner guests arrive.

Ditto this. We have two kinds of "company" at our house....evenings where we invite our friends and their kids over to have a casual dinner with us and our kids. Usually burgers and hot dogs and I've learned to feed the kids first and then let them play so that the adults can have a pleasant, quite, kid-free (almost!) meal.

Then there are the evenings where we have adults only over. We usually start a bit later (say 8PM) so that the kids are in bed (at 5 and 7, this is getting harder)....

I don't know if there's a tactful way to find out what your neighbors have in mind, but I do understand how you feel. I have kids and I STILL don't want to be around whiny, bratty kids (and btw, as someone pointed out, even the sweetest, most well behaved kids have their moments...that's why they're kids!)....

I like Jennifer W's suggestion...if SO is truly comfortable going on his own, I say that's the best solution.

 

[Maisie]

I think the worst thing you can do is tell them the real reason you don't want to accept their invitation. A lot of parents would be really offended at hearing their children would drive you mad.

Kids are kids. If you don't like being around them, don't go. Simple.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Kenny,

Your SO can go to see the children anytime. It doesn't have to be at dinner. If you like these people and want to spend an evening with them, suggest the four of you go to a local restaurant some Friday nite after the kids go to bed. A two yr old is hard to deal with: that is why it is called the terrible twos.

I gave a baby shower a few yrs back. I did not want kids there. We had one woman, very nice, who never went anywhere without her kids, five of them. I didn't know what to do, but I did say on the invitation no children were invited. She called me and said she didn't know what to do as her kids went everywhere and she had no money for a sitter. Yes, I paid for two peoples sitters in the end.
I'm older now, and love kids , but I don't want to be around them at all anymore. I have nice neighbors who invite me to their parties, and I decline. They come and ask me if i want some food, I decline. They don't get mad. I think they are just trying to be polite to me and want me to feel included.

If you want to spend time with these folks, go to a restaurant without the kids. Tell SO he can read them some books. In a few yrs I would expect you to teach the girls about diamonds. It really would be fun.

 

[movie zombie]

Your SO can go to see the children anytime. It doesn't have to be at dinner. If you like these people and want to spend an evening with them, suggest the four of you go to a local restaurant some Friday nite after the kids go to bed. ........ If you want to spend time with these folks, go to a restaurant without the kids. Tell SO he can read them some books. In a few yrs I would expect you to teach the girls about diamonds. It really would be fun.

this is so much better than what i said!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Am I the only person who is questioning whether kids are just an excuse?

I honestly believe that you don't want to become friendly with your neighbors, and you're just using the kids as an excuse. IF you wanted to build a friendship, you would not let an issue like bratty kids get in the way.

Eamples:
-My husband and son are extremely allergic to cats. If we are invited to a house with cats, I load them up with benadryl, and tell the host that they are extremely allergic, so that the host makes sure their house is throughly vacuumed, and aired out.

-We have vegetarian friends from another culture. I tell the husband and kids that they won't be eating any meat that night, and they can get a double cheeseburger for lunch and forego meat for ONE meal!

There are ways to get around everything. We SUCK it up if we value a relationship with these people. If you want a friendship, you can be honest, and say that you'd prefer to go over once the kids have been put down for the night.

 

[Imdanny]

You might be.

Who cares if he doesn't want to be friends with the neighbors?

I'm surprised how many of you are pressuring him to do it for reasons other than he plain doesn't want to. The kids are brats, he'd rather be watching The Twilight Zone, whatever. What the heck does it matter?

You all know he treats his SO like a prince. Now he has to accept dinner invitations to be part of the community? I think he pays taxes to satisfy this requirement.

And who cares if he doesn't want to be around kids?

Really, so what.

Try being a gay male and living with the trope of bigotry that gay male=child molester and get back to me.

I'll walk 3 blocks out of my way to stay away from peoples kids and Frankenstein monster type allegations and witch hunts and I ain't apologizing to anyone.

 

[kenny]

Thank you for your input.
I truly appreciate the candid responses, every one of them.
Though embarrassing to admit, there's a kernel of truth in even the harsh responses.

It is not a simple black and white, "Just be honest!", situation.
This calls for tact.
They ARE really really cool people.
I've just always been uncomfortable around kids, any kids, even good kids.

This is a cultural taboo.

Part of me thinks I am fine and I don't have to force myself.
Another part of me thinks about misogyny and misandry and racism.
It is not okay to not like women or men or people of a certain race, so maybe I have a responsibility to work through this so I will love, or at least not be uncomfortable around, children - just like everyone else.

This has been a very informative thread.

 

[Kaleigh]

If you are honest and say it's because of their children. That's just going to cause problems and you are neighbors ...So I think you scrap the honesty, suck it up and go. Your SO will have fun. And who knows Kenny you might, ( just might... ) have a great time. Ok tone it down a notch, a good time....

 

[Imdanny]

It could be a learning experience and a good time.

But I'll tell you why I personally don't feel I have to socialize with children to show I'm not prejudiced against them.

I WAS a child; child = me. That doesn't mean I like being around fast moving, loud, playful kids, puppies, or kittens.

I get a bad visceral reaction by the fast movement in particular. I'm not sorry. That's just me.

Good luck. I wouldn't do it and I think those who said it might create an ongoing expectation of reciprocating have a point, but for you it might be good.

 

[Maisie]

You might be.

Who cares if he doesn't want to be friends with the neighbors?

I'm surprised how many of you are pressuring him to do it for reasons other than he plain doesn't want to. The kids are brats, he'd rather be watching The Twilight Zone, whatever. What the heck does it matter?

You all know he treats his SO like a prince. Now he has to accept dinner invitations to be part of the community? I think he pays taxes to satisfy this requirement.

And who cares if he doesn't want to be around kids?

Really, so what.

Try being a gay male and living with the trope of bigotry that gay male=child molester and get back to me.

I'll walk 3 blocks out of my way to stay away from peoples kids and Frankenstein monster type allegations and witch hunts and I ain't apologizing to anyone.

Are you being serious?

 

[Imdanny]

Trope. of. bigotry.

Would it help if I provided the dictiony definitions?

Don't even think about lecturing to me about the different forms of predjuice gay males are familiar with.

 

[kenny]

You might be.

Who cares if he doesn't want to be friends with the neighbors?

I'm surprised how many of you are pressuring him to do it for reasons other than he plain doesn't want to. The kids are brats, he'd rather be watching The Twilight Zone, whatever. What the heck does it matter?

You all know he treats his SO like a prince. Now he has to accept dinner invitations to be part of the community? I think he pays taxes to satisfy this requirement.

And who cares if he doesn't want to be around kids?

Really, so what.

Try being a gay male and living with the trope of bigotry that gay male=child molester and get back to me.

I'll walk 3 blocks out of my way to stay away from peoples kids and Frankenstein monster type allegations and witch hunts and I ain't apologizing to anyone.

Are you being serious?

Actually we live near an elementary school.
When I walk our two cute little dogs and the kids are out on the playground I avoid walking anywhere near the school so nobody thinks I'm trying to use the dogs to interact with children.
The neighborhood knows we are gay and I do not want to give any bigot any ammo.

We live in an ugly world and it takes only one false accusation to ruin an innocent life, mine.
Even though the times they are a changing, LOTS of people still privately hate gays (or have been taught by their . . . ehem . . . organizations . . .that gays are morally inferior, or sinners or some other BS ).
Now that they ended DADT and gay marriage and equality is on the horizon a gay man cannot be too careful around kids.
And yes, many still think gays are more likely than straights to be pedophiles.

That said, this concern does not factor into my not wanting to dine with my next door neighbor's kids.
In fact they may be going out of their way to be friendly with us precisely, or in part, because we're gay, kind of like the token black at the party.
I may be wrong.

 

[TravelingGal]

Eamples:
-My husband and son are extremely allergic to cats. If we are invited to a house with cats, I load them up with benadryl, and tell the host that they are extremely allergic, so that the host makes sure their house is throughly vacuumed, and aired out.

JM, if people are really allergic to cats (as I am), that kind of stuff may not help. I've tried all sorts of medication. Nope. And vacuuming and airing out the house does nothing for a cat-dander infested household. Dander sticks to everything and can take months to clear.

Kenny, I have a kid, and wouldn't care to spend an evening with friends with brats. In fact, I've stopped hanging out with them as a family and focus on quality time with the adult friend instead.

I would never invite adults over specifically to hang out and dine with my kid (unless they want to see her, in which case, sure, fine come over and hang out earlier in the day). The kid goes to bed at 7. Dinner can start at 7:30. I really can't see how coming over to chat with a 3.5 year old is fun for the average adult without children (or with, for that matter.)

I would agree with a few of the others...say that if they get a sitter one night, you'd love to go out and enjoy their company.

 

[Maisie]

Trope. of. bigotry.

Would it help if I provided the dictiony definitions?

Don't even think about lecturing to me about the different forms of predjuice gay males are familiar with.

Not intending on lecturing you at all. I was just wondering why you said it. I don't equate gay with child molester. Is this a common thing where you live? The bigotry I mean.

 

[jaysonsmom]

You might be.

Who cares if he doesn't want to be friends with the neighbors?

I'm surprised how many of you are pressuring him to do it for reasons other than he plain doesn't want to. The kids are brats, he'd rather be watching The Twilight Zone, whatever. What the heck does it matter?

You all know he treats his SO like a prince. Now he has to accept dinner invitations to be part of the community? I think he pays taxes to satisfy this requirement.

And who cares if he doesn't want to be around kids?

Really, so what.

Try being a gay male and living with the trope of bigotry that gay male=child molester and get back to me.

I'll walk 3 blocks out of my way to stay away from peoples kids and Frankenstein monster type allegations and witch hunts and I ain't apologizing to anyone.

I guess this was in response to my post. I'm not pressuring, I'm just stating that maybe Kenny doesn't really care to get to know these people on a "friend" level, and just wants to keep it at a "howdy neighbor" type of level. That is perfectly fine. What I'm saying is that IF there was a real connection with these neighbors, and it's the kids standing in the way, there's ways around it.

 

[kenny]

Okay here's a question...

If you are a parent of a 2 and 3 year old and you invited the childless adult next door neighbor couple over for dinner would, during the invitation, make a point to volunteer that your kids would be asleep/gone?

OR

Do you assume everyone loves children and their presence would not be a factor in whether your neighbors/friends would accept the invitation?

 

[soocool]

When DD was little and we had grown-ups only for dinner, we did one of 2 things. She either got bathed, fed, and went to bed earlier or we hired a babysitter (if my sister was one of the guests then the babysitter was my oldest nephew) who occupied her in her room while we entertained guests. That way everybody was happy!

 

[Porridge]

Try being a gay male and living with the trope of bigotry that gay male=child molester and get back to me.

I'll walk 3 blocks out of my way to stay away from peoples kids and Frankenstein monster type allegations and witch hunts and I ain't apologizing to anyone.

Imdanny, it must be awful feeling like that, I can't imagine. Still...I'm just not seeing the relevance here - I really don't think Kenny is being seen as any kind of child molester? Or am I missing something huge here? I think it's that he just doesn't feel comfortable around kids, I think it's his own feelings, I don't think anyone is accusing him of anything, or insinuating that he is in any way a child-molester or anything close to it. Are they? Did I miss something here?? I think it's just a straightforward case of a person not wanting to be around noisy children and wondering how to tactfully navigate the invitation.

Kenny - definitely don't go if you would feel that uncomfortable. I do think it would be a nice thing to do to suggest something adult-only though, since they've expressed wanting to hang out with you guys and you would like to! Avoid all mention of their kids. What's the point?

 

[Maisie]

Okay here's a question...

If you are a parent of a 2 and 3 year old and you invited the childless adult next door neighbor couple over for dinner would, during the invitation, make a point to volunteer that your kids would be asleep/gone?

OR

Do you assume everyone loves children and their presence would not be a factor in whether your neighbors/friends would accept the invitation?

I would expect my children to be in bed if I invited childless adults over for a meal so I would probably offer that information when inviting the couple.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Eamples:
-My husband and son are extremely allergic to cats. If we are invited to a house with cats, I load them up with benadryl, and tell the host that they are extremely allergic, so that the host makes sure their house is throughly vacuumed, and aired out.

JM, if people are really allergic to cats (as I am), that kind of stuff may not help. I've tried all sorts of medication. Nope. And vacuuming and airing out the house does nothing for a cat-dander infested household. Dander sticks to everything and can take months to clear.
.

You're right. My husband and son still suffer terribly despite being loaded to the gills with meds. But I'm merely stating that where there's a will, there's a way. We often ask the invite originater if they'd like to come over to our place instead (in regards to the allergy issue), or we just meet at a restaurant.

 

[Lottie]

Okay here's a question...

If you are a parent of a 2 and 3 year old and you invited the childless adult next door neighbor couple over for dinner would, during the invitation, make a point to volunteer that your kids would be asleep/gone?

OR

Do you assume everyone loves children and their presence would not be a factor in whether your neighbors/friends would accept the invitation?

If I was inviting you for lunch I would assume that you would expect my children to be there, but if I was inviting you for dinner I would assume that it was understood that the children would be in bed. This is more about timing for me than the fact that you are childless.

Not everyone loves children, if I go out for dinner at a friends house and I have put mine to bed, got a babysitter, got ready etc - I do not then want to spend the evening with their children, however much I might like them. I need adult time and conversation.