How do be a better housekeeper, or let it go?

[basil]

I've never been neat person. My major conflict with my mother growing up was over this issue. My husband is not a neat person either. It is the major conflict in our marriage.

I would LOVE to be neat. It makes me so happy when my house is clean and organized. I can't do it though. I'm sort of a yo-yo cleaner - do nothing for several weeks then get a bug and want everything clean all at once. And then obsess about keeping it clean for a week until I get lazy again. During that week, I get annoyed at DH for the mess he makes (though I am just as guilty the other 80% of the time). DH truly does not care if anything is neat/clean ever, so has no appreciation even when I spend hours getting everything nice, and has no interest in doing it himself.

Now I have a 3 month old baby, and I'm back working full time. The dishes are all stacked in the sink/counter. There are piles of mail on the peninsula. The couch pillows/throws are all on the floor. The laundry from Sunday is still in the dryer. And there are leaves that got tracked in the back door on the rug. I'm sure the shower is gross but thankfully I can't see it as I'm pretty nearsighted and don't wear my contacts in the shower.

We looked into getting a housecleaner but DH thinks the dog will be stressed with strangers in the house when we are not there, and he's probably right. And he thought it was dumb to be forced to pick up the clutter so the maid could clean.

I've been so depressed over this lately. I hate walking into my own house. And I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to change. Logically, I know it's not worth the angst. So what if the house is messy, we have a lot of other good things to be thankful for in life. But it's not working.

Advice or tips, please?

 

[Porridge]

Get a cleaner. Honest to god. They're not expensive. The dog will get used to him/her, many households have dogs, just check it with the cleaner first.

My parents are the same as you. The house is never dirty, but it is messy, and they both work long hours, always have. Mum used to get so stressed, especially if there was ever a chance we'd have visitors. And I was the kid who aaaaalways had friends over (I'm an only child), so their parents were coming over to pick them up, staying for a coffee...my poor mum! Then she'd stress me and dad out. So they got a cleaner. Life was so much better. Mum is amazing at many, many things, but keeping the house tidy just didn't come naturally. Play to your strengths. Admit your weaknesses. Get a cleaner.

 

[Sha]

Congrats on the new baby! Do you feel like you have enough time to devote to regular cleaning, with a 3 month old in tow and working full time? I remember when my DD was that age - it was a real struggle to get anything done.
Taking care of a young baby can really consume a lot of time and energy, especially if said baby still isn't sleeping through the night.

If you don't feel you and your DH have the time or energy, then getting a cleaner would be a good option. I agree that the dog would probably get used to them in time.

If you do feel you have a few hours to spare *(that you'd like to use on cleaning), then it might good to schedule it into your weekly routine. Example - 10:00-11:30 (during baby's nap time) - Tidy house/sweep etc. It sounds like you need to clean on a weekly basis, at least, otherwise things will get out of control and seem much more overwhelming.

What chores does your DH do? I know you said he doesn't care about the mess, but would he be willing to participate in a some cleaning activity (e.g taking out trash, sweeping) if it was really important to you? I mean...since he doesn't want you to get a cleaning lady and all...it would be nice if he could do something to help out. If he's really against doing anything, could he do offer to look after the baby while you do the tidying? Could he do another chore that needs to get done?

Hopefully, the full weight of cleaning, babycare, and cooking doesn't fall on you. That really is a big load to carry. In my home, I focus more on childcare and cleaning , and DH does the cooking, taking out the trash, and laundry. It would really be less frustrating for you if you didn't feel like you had to tackle everything on your own. And I don't think you should let it go...it's a good thing to have a tidy home, and it sounds like you feel happier if things were a bit more tidy too.

 

[swingirl]

Anyone with a 3 month old, a full time job and a non-cleaning husband NEEDS paid help. Your dog will survive but if you are worried about it have the cleaner come over on a weekend and you and/or hubby take the dog for a long walk. Plus if the cleaner is there with you a few times the dog will get used to her.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Agree with the others...you need to hire a maid!! You are working full time, you have a baby. Do you think you are Superwoman??? I know there are plenty of women who work to make ends meet and will never be able to afford a maid and I really feel for them. But assuming you can afford it (and I think you are a physician, right?), you need to get some weekly help. The dog can adjust. Your happiness is more important than the inconvenience to the DOG!!!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

My DH and I have also talked about getting a housekeeper (2x per month) now that I'm pregnant--I agree that working full-time, being a new mom AND having to do all the house cleaning is a bit much. I have the opposite problem (am too much of a neat freak, so I am working on letting go of some standards).

As for the dog, I would probably crate the dog on the days when the housekeeper is coming and just have her let the dog out when she's leaving. That way the dog is in a place where he/she feels secure and isn't in the way of the housekeeper.

I have certain habits that keep me organized--for instance, I sort the mail into junk, bills and "other" in the very short walk from my mailbox to my front door. As soon as I walk in, I toss the junk, then put the bills and "other" into their respective baskets. I can't deal with clutter, so as long as the mail is off the counter I'm happy.

Also, I give myself 10 minutes in the morning to tidy up. When the 10 minutes is up, I'm done, but it's always enough time to wipe down the kitchen counters, load/unload the dishwasher and straighten up pillows on the sofa/fold blankets from the night before. For some reason, I am 100x happier walking in the house when I know the kitchen is clean and the living room looks nice. It's weird, but whatever, it makes me happy.

So I think there are a few ongoing things that will help you on a daily basis, but the housekeeper will definitely help you keep your sanity with some of the "bigger" cleaning projects.

 

[Lottie]

Your baby is tiny and needs SO much attention at the moment, add to this the fact that you are working full time and it is no surprise that something has to give and its no bad thing that its the house. I second what the others have said - get a cleaner! The dog will get used to it and you will feel so much happier walking into a house with a clean kitchen and a sofa that you can sit straight on without having to pick up the throws and cushions.

The list of things that realistically need doing in a house is just too much for you guys at the moment - washing, changing beds, cleaning bathrooms, hoovering/sweeping/mopping, cleaning kitchen, taking care of dog, ironing. This list is just the barest of essentials (and I am not an overly tidy person either) without adding a three month old baby into the mix.

Get a cleaning company to do a deep clean ie; clean out the oven, windows, skirting boards, doors, window ledges, hoovering under beds and behind furniture, cleaning out kitchen cupboards, cleaning the venetian blinds and really give the house a spring clean. Then get someone in on a regular basis to help out with the ordinary stuff.

Give yourself a break, you must be exhausted!

 

[Pandora II]

Cleaner!

I'm not a domestic goddess and I'm untidy (I have a lot of hobbies) and we have a very small house. DH is also not neat by nature - although he is more disturbed by mess than I am. Every now and then I do a major blitz on an individual cupboard or something, but general drudgery is not my scene

We have a cleaner for 3 hours a week who keeps the place looking pretty nice and also irons DH's shirts. Oh, and she tidies up as well. DH would like to have her come twice a week...

Your dog will learn to cope.

 

[lliang_chi]

Basil,

Agree with everyone else, hire a cleaner. Maybe you can put your dog in a gated/closed room while the cleaner is doing their thing. Or use NEL's suggestion of keeping it crated. Or if you want, take your dog to doggie day care for the day if your DH or you have time to drop it off. That way you come home to a clean house AND a tired dog.

In other words, there's lots of things you can do to get a cleaner AND work around your dog.

Hope this helps.

~Lisa

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Cleaner! Please do not let a mess upset you or cause disagreements between you and your DH. NOT worth it! Ask your neighbours or at work about reliable house cleaners--or call a cleaning company from the yellow pages and see what they can provide. Weekly service would not be out of line as you both work FT and have a baby!

Crate the pooch or put him behind a gate. He'll get over it

cheers--Sharon

 

[zoebartlett]

I like Sha's suggestion of asking your husband to help out with a few things around the house so it's not all left up to you. You have a baby, and you shouldn't have to deal with everything by yourself. I know you said your husband's not crazy about hiring a cleaning person, but maybe he'd be on board with someone coming in once or twice a month.

I hate clutter but my husband isn't bothered by it one bit. I swear he doesn't even see it, or maybe he is selective about what he sees and takes care of. He HAS taken over cleaning the kitchen every night before he goes to bed, and lately, he's been great at it! Yay! He'd love to hire a cleaning person though, and I'm okay with someone coming in once or twice a month but we haven't looked into it yet. Anyway...

I usually devote 10-15 minutes to decluttering and/or cleaning as soon as I get home from work (before I sit down and veg for a bit). I can't say the house is always spotless but that helps a lot. Also, If I have the TV on, I often get up and take care of things during commercials. It's amazing how much you can get done in 5 minute spurts. I also love, love, love storage containers and organization systems.

Mail:
We have baskets that all mail goes into (like NEL, I sort mail into different piles on my way in from the mailbox). Mail to be filed goes into one basket. When the basket's full, I set aside 20 minutes or so to deal with it (usually on the weekends). My husband takes care of paying the bills, so he's in charge of dealing with whatever's in that basket. Junk mail goes right into the trash.

Shoes:
Shoe racks are in the front hallway near the door so there's really no excuse not to put shoes away. When we have guests come over, we slide the racks into the front hall closet.

Blankets and pillows in the living room:
These get tossed in an ottoman type thing that opens for storage. We need to replace ours because it's kind of old, but for now, it works.

Laundry:
We each do our own and if needed, we just throw things into the laundry room and shut the door. No one looks in there anyway.

Surfaces (counters):
We keep Lysol or Clorox wipes on the counters and I often wipe down the bathroom counters while I'm getting ready in the morning. I try to multi-task as much as possible. It takes all of two seconds and then it's done and I don't need to think about it.

Hope this helps! Sorry that was a novel!

 

[megumic]

Ditto cleaner! Save yourself the stress as well as the time. The few free hours you have should be spent with your family and your new baby. Barring a financial situation that prevents you from doing so, I'd opt for a cleaner a few times a month. Even if you have to de-clutter before she comes, she'll do the DEEP cleaning and then you come home to a sparkly house in a fraction of the time/effort! Go for it!

 

[basil]

Thanks all! I will address the housecleaner idea with DH again...

However, I think 75% of the problem is keeping up with things day-to-day...No one can keep the counters clean if there is mail all over it! No one can keep the back hall clean and vacuumed if there are shoes all strewn about. No one can put the dishes in the dishwasher (instead of piling up in the sink) if the dishwasher hasn't been emptied. A housekeeper doesn't really address these issues. I am also spending ~20 minutes a day that I used to spend tidying preparing the baby's things for daycare. We go through at least 8 bottles a day between what I pump and he uses there plus pump parts, and they don't come clean in the dishwasher. Plus measuring milk out into bottles, freezing leftover milk, etc. Making sure there is an extra outfit in his bag, and that everything is labeled.

There is more to the story with the dog...our previously friendly 1 year old dog suddenly started developing some stranger anxiety last year. It was around the time when we were selling our condo and had lots of people in and out. A few times, we couldn't be there at the time of the showing and she was gated in her room during the time the people were looking at the apartment. DH thought that maybe someone had done something to her - teased her or something - when we weren't there. Or at the very least that the presence of "intruders" was stressing her out. She still gets quite worked up when a stranger comes in the house (barking, crying, hiding, etc). She stays in our pantry room off the kitchen behind a gate when we are not home, so obviously we would tell the housecleaner to stay out, but I'm sure she would still be quite upset. DH is worried it will be so stressful that she will become more aggressive towards strangers. I know she is "just a dog" but she is our first baby and I feel like we owe her to provide a comfortable life.

Lliang - doggie daycare is something I'll look into. She has really enjoyed it the times we send her there, and we have been worried about her adjustment since I have been back working as well. There's not one that close to our house but may be worth it to drive out of our way if it will make her happy.

Sha - I don't mean to make it sound like DH doesn't do any chores...he takes out the trash, feeds the dog, empties and loads the dishwasher some of the time, dishes some of the time, puts away his clothes from the laundry if they appear in the bedroom folded. We have talked about him contributing more, but because he honestly believes that the kitchen doesn't really need wiping every night, there's just no way I can force him to do it without him resenting it. He is quite happy to take the baby while I do housework - and that worked when I was on maternity leave - but now that I'm working I want time with the baby too! Part of the problem is also that the rules have changed - whereas before I was only slightly annoyed with dishes in the sink, I now need the sink for bottle washing and for my son's bath every night.

NEL - I appreciate the tips of a neat person! I will try spending 10 minutes straightening before I go to bed...Mornings are nuts with a baby!

Zoe - I love your strategy! I don't know why it is so hard for us. Even though we have a shoe rack, shoes end up piled up right in front of the door. And though it takes 20 seconds to wipe down the bathroom sink, it just never gets done.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Paper bowls, cups and plates that can go in the microwave. My downfall is dirty dishes, they gross me out and I will not touch one. All the paper saves me from the dishes and they can go in our recycle bin.

 

[lliang_chi]

Basil, if your dog liked doggie day care, then you should look into that. Maybe the person that doesn't have to drop H off to daycare can take fur-baby to her day care. I hear you about all of a sudden your dog turning into a totally different dog. Mine did that at about 8 months and we're *STILL* working on behavior issues with her. She's 5 now.

I think starting out with a cleaner to give you guys a boost with the "day-to-day" tidying. Y'know how it's easier to start with a clean slate than cleaning it, then restarting?

Good luck,
LC

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I also think you can be there the first time the cleaner comes to help your dog feel more comfortable. Just as with introducing a new baby into the picture, the dog will adjust to the housecleaner as well as the baby!

My maid comes every other week, but just the fact that she is coming makes me pick up and organize before she comes to clean. If I didn't have that deadline every two weeks, I am not sure I'd want to see what things would look like! I had help for years while I was working fulltime, but now that I am not, I still have the cleaning help every other week because it keeps me on schedule plus she does some things that I really don't want to do!

 

[Porridge]

I think introducing the dog to the cleaner will help a lot. Then he/she won't be a stranger. Also, I know what you're talking about in that it's the daily things, but I really think a cleaner once a week will make those things easier because they'll be the only things to do. I find it easier to keep the house clean when it's already clean if you know what I mean.

Your husband...yeah, sorry to be harsh, but he's just going to have to suck it up and pitch in more. Who cares if he doesn't feel the kitchen needs to be clean every day? It does, you need it to be, end of story. What about the resentment you feel when he won't do it for you? For god's sake, get to work man!

 

[partgypsy]

I had a similar situation, of one or more children below school age, working full-time. I'm a cheapskate so never did the cleaning service, though I can guarantee if we did, there would have been much less fights and stress between my husband and I during those years. The years before your child is in school are really hard, and very time consuming. But it's not forever. If you can afford it I would consider getting a cleaning service for those hard years.

From what I've heard from friends, the most satisfied have been those who are gotten via word of mouth, most typically a self-employed person who is reliable and does a limited number of houses and only gets referrals via word of mouth. There was a person who did houses in my neighborhood who basically had a waiting list and you had to wait until there was an opening. (I mean there still is, but there is no opening at this time).

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree about finding a way to get your dog used to a cleaner.

I can relate - I am not a super tidy person, but mess bothers me. I'll clean in spurts. Sometimes I'll be obsessed with the mess and can't concentrate on anything else or relax until I'm done. Other times I'll just let things pile up. My DH isn't really neat and even when he'll "straighten up" I have to figure out exactly what he did (because as long as he made piles, or cleaned the dishes but left them on the stove, it's "clean" to him).

So anyway, we've had cleaners ever since we moved into our house five years ago. I cleaned our tiny condo myself, but I knew the house was beyond me. It definitely does keep you on top of things to have to straighten up every two weeks. We cancelled the cleaners when I quit working to be a SAHM to save money, and I did OK because I considered it my job to keep it clean, but I'd still call them every month or 6 weeks to clean everything. Then I got sick this summer due to being pregnant, and we hired them to come every two weeks again. Now that I have a toddler who throws toys all over the place and drops milk and food on the floor, I'm really glad I'm not doing it all myself because it would get gross.

Even with the biweekly cleaners, I still let things pile up and then get stressed out, but it's a lot better than it was before. I really like things being clean, and like you said, it's impossible to actually clean surfaces when the stuff is in your way.

Also, maybe this would be a good time to do a purge of stuff you don't need. The baby will keep accumulating more stuff anyway, so you've got to stay on top of things. I find that when there's less stuff that's supposed to go in the living areas, it's easier to keep organized and clutter free.

 

[nfowife]

in terms of a cleaner, I used to have one (I don't work) after the birth of each of my kids for the first few months. Just helped me feel on top of things. I've recently thought of hiring someone again each week to do JUST the bathrooms from top to bottom. So maybe you can hire someone to do one or 2 big things each week where you don't have to do a lot of prep. The annoying thing is that you do have to pick up a bit for a housecleaner because you want them to spend their paid time cleaning, not picking up toys or clothes. But the good thing is it motivates you to do those things every once in a while too.
Maybe you can have a cleaner to do the bathrooms, and fold/sort laundry for you each week, and change/wash sheets. Those are not huge jobs, but getting them done will take a weight off your shoulders.

 

[Jennifer W]

Basil, are you actually me?? Did I write that post and just not remember?

We're between cleaners right now, after an incident but what I found worked was having someone come in as frequently as possible. That way, there wasn't time for the horror to build up so much, and J and I could have a half hour run-round to tidy away the worst of the clutter the night before she came. Once a week minimum, twice if you can swing it. Even if you hire someone for the same amount of time per week, splitting it into two visits will make it less daunting to tidy up so s/he can clean.

As for the dog, we had a similar issue - we hired someone who loved dogs and was prepared to spend some time with her before coming in when we were at work. It was fine after a while.

To answer the specific question of how to be a better housekeeper or let it go, I'd say let it go. It's difficult. It takes skills I don't have and a mindset I'm not privy to. In the same way that I don't do my own dentistry or my own plumbing, I don't do my own housekeeping either.

Good luck!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Basil, are you me? My DH thinks he's neat, but he's totally not! I'm not that neat, make a lot of clutter (especially clothes and papers) but I really hate dust/dirt etc. DH is 90% happy just living in squallor, but the 10% of the time he's not he is fine if things are in a pile and/or shoved in a closet. He does things that drive me crazy like stack dishes instead of washing them, unload the dishwasher into the counter instead of the cupboard, etc.

We just became parents this summer. I am currently working full-time at an intense job and will be back in my MBA program in January as well as working full-time and trying to maximize my time with my son. DH has been unemployed for a year, is currently a SAHD and taking an EMT class. In January he'll be a full-time college student taking science classes in preparation for med school application. Currently he's supposed to be handling all domestic things like laundry and dishes. I handle all our finances, planning, and medical/insurance/scheduling/school stuff, etc.

Right now, our house is a disaster! Yesterday, I came home from work near tears from an absolutely awful, stressful, insane day--one of the worst I've ever had. I met DH at his class for our childcare handoff and learned that he had not done any laundry (hasn't done laundry for weeks and we were out of clothes, pyjamas, and cloth diapers!), had not cleaned, picked-up, or taken out the recycling (our son turned 3 last week and we have gotten a lot of boxes in the mail so our foyer is full of boxes), AND although he cooked some dinner, he burned the rest so I'd need to make most of dinner.

I almost burst into tears on the sidewalk, ordered a pizza (which thrilled my son), and made a list when I got home of what would help me balance work and family (with a cleaner as #1 on the list). DH has always scoffed at me when I said I wanted to have someone come and clean. We talked about it and I cited this thread (thanks ladies!!!! ).

He thinks having a cleaner is pretentious, and it is a financial stretch for us, but we decided that we're going to try to have someone at least once a month and ideally every other week to come and deep clean the bathroom, kitchen, window sills (in NYC they get gritty and grimy really fast), and do a thorough dusting. I think it is going to make a huge difference! (He's also going to have all the laundry done every week and I a going to try harder to sort my clothes in the hamper-his pet peeve.)

I think that this will really help!

 

[pancake]

Basil, I am joining the chorus in favour of a cleaner! I agree that it doesn't help with the "things on surfaces" issue, but in some ways it makes you pull your socks up a bit because you know they are coming and you know they won't be able to clean properly if there is too much clutter. My husband and I are very messy, both of us, and we always end up doing a tidy-up the night before our cleaner comes (fortnightly). Our house is still not neat by many people's standards but it is MUCH better and I feel comfortable when people drop over impromptu now, which I did not before.

 

[AGSHF]

I agree with everyone who said to get someone to come clean. Even if she cannot get to all your living spaces because of one reason or another, you can be assured of having (1) clean bathrooms, (2) clean floors, (3) an empty dishwasher and sink, (4) clean laundry (if you want it done) and any other heavy-duty cleaning work you want done. That way, even if you have to pick up after yourselves and do the paperwork shuffle, those are finite jobs and won't seem quite so overwhelming.

Also, simplify, simplify, simplify. Get rid of things that don't benefit you at the moment and that includes newspapers, magazines and books that aren't read, medical journals that pile up (or take them to the hospital), extra pairs of shoes that aren't worn - anything at all that clutters up your environment.

Spending your precious free time with your baby should come first.

 

[artdecogirl]

Basil, I would just like to echo what others have said if you can swing it get the housekeeper and one thing that helped me with the mail clutter, we put a sort of recycling center by the back door, not that pretty but the junk mail gets put in a bin right away so no huge stacks of mail to go through. I line it with a paper bag so when we have time we can shred it but that never happens so
when we have a fire outside we just burn the whole bag, much easier. Congratulations on your new family member!

 

[Loves Vintage]

Basil, I too can very much relate to your post! I am just a phone call away from hiring someone to help us clean, but probably won't do it. I have a recommendation for someone who cleans for two acquaintances. They are both very happy with her, but I just can't! I am hiring her to clean a rental house that was left in a very shabby state by my former tenants. Grrr. Usually, I would do that cleaning myself too, but I have just reached my limit and am so happy to distance myself from the situation because it is personally upsetting to me. So, I will talk to her about helping at our house too, but I am just not ready to take that step.

I really appreciate some of the tips in this thread. I am totally setting up a mail station. It sounds so simple. Not sure why I've never done it before, aside from the fact that, by my nature, I am not a super-organized person.

One thing that has helped tremendously, and I think this may help you too, Basil, is having a very clear understanding with my DH about what we both need in order for things to run a bit more efficiently. For example, we used to be very lax when it came to dishes. They got done when they got done. Neither of us excelled at unloading the dw!! Well, that doesn't work when you have a baby that needs to be bathed in that sink. So, after dinner every night, while baby is still in her chair being entertained by one of us, the other is cleaning up the kitchen to prepare for bath time. Then, one of us bathes her, while the other is setting out her clothing and diaper for the night, her bottle, and her crib. If only one person is doing all of this, it is a real chore and there is a lot of aggravation.

So, I noticed in your post that you said your DH will do dishes some of the time, and that he doesn't think a clear sink/counter is a priority. Well, pre-baby, that may have been true, but things are different now, and I do think approaching the whole night time routine with a clear plan approached with consistency each night will help a great deal. Another thing -- bottles and pump parts!! Oh, my DH was totally cleaning them for me!! I'm the one that had to spend all of this time pumping, the least he could do was wash those parts for me.

Even if you do hire someone, it does seem like the brunt of the day-to-day tasks are going to fall on you. Getting your DH to buy into approaching more of these tasks as a team is really going to make your life easier!

 

[moxie.moo]

We hired a 2x a month cleaning lady when Lucy arrived and it's the best thing I've ever done. It's amazing to come home the days she has been cleaning, and I don't miss cleaning toilets. I feel like a respectable adult those days with my life in order, even though it's not perfect for too long. (Every other day I feel like I'm more or less playing house.) Our dog has very mild stranger anxiety but just avoids her now. I do hate the pre-clean for the cleaning lady, but the 10-15 minute before-bed tidying has helped us keep things in relative order. Plus, even if I have to do the pre-clean it's worth it for the end result. I vote that you go for it and figure the dog out--ultimately it may help her with the stranger anxiety too.