How do all the ps'ers convince their husbands

[Gypsy]

Let him get used to this idea, then consider an upgrade in the future.

ETA I just realized I'm pretty much duplicating what Gypsy said... sorry about that, Gypsy! But while I'm at it, I'll also second the idea of having some serious discussions about money and expectations in that area. It does sound like you and your husband are on different pages about how the "yours, mine, and ours" thing should work.

NO worries VR, just seeing you come to the same place independently makes me feel like I've given good advice.


She should start off with a 16k ring now. 8k each. One that is from a vendor that offers upgrades.

Put the 42k in the bank. And do not use it for furniture, mortgage, or "ours" expenses. But do use it for the ocassional splurges. Say you really want high thread count sheets and towels and DH doesn't care. Well, splurge on those. Stuff like that. Where you use your funds on us things only if YOU (and only you) want that thing upgraded. You want a pair of 750 shoes. Or a 4k purse. Use your money for that.

Save the majority of it. Then in five years you guys can talk about an upgrade. And you still have your funds at that point (because you didn't spend them on US things you kept the money separate) and if what you want to do then is get an upgrade you can.

Here's what I'd get: http://www.briangavindiamonds.com/diamonds/diamond-details/1.553-f-si1-round-diamond-ags-104054186010

Super Ideal AGS0 F color Eyeclean 1.5 carat stone for 15,800. With this setting: http://www.briangavindiamonds.com/engagement-rings/solitaire/classic-tiffany-style-half-round-18k-white-gold-5478w18 Comes to 16,600. And if you asked BGD to do the set out the door for you for 16,400 they would probably be okay with that. And you would get a gorgeous large stone with a great company with upgrades available in a beautiful setting.

 

[Abby12]

Thanks to everyone for your advice......

I do not think i will be getting a ring at all. In fact we have had many discussions of expectations and it seems as though i am expected to do it all while he does almost nothing.
I wont't get into details here, but it does look like this is headed towards divorce.

Again, thanks for all the advice.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm so sorry to hear that Abby. Please know we are here for you if you need us. sending you strength thru this struggling time.
AND A BIG {{{{{HUG}}}}}

best of luck my dear

 

[Missy]

Abby, I am so sorry to hear this. Only you know if it is worth going to therapy to try and salvage the relationship. Sometimes the best thing to do is cut your losses. The ring is most definitely a symptom and not the problem in the marriage. Sending lots of PS dust to you and the strength and clarity to do what is best. (((HUGS))) and best wishes for a happy future with someone who is deserving of your love and companionship.

 

[Amys Bling]

Best wishes Abby!!

 

[Cluless]

Abby,sweetie, don't do anything harsh, just because there was a fire lit under your arse here (sorry ladies that's how I feel). I don't know your whole situation, but please think about it long and hard................ maybe just go see a counsler by yourself just to sort things out before you go onto the next step. Best of luck to you hon xo

 

[rosetta]

Aw man that's tough.

But money is the most common cause of marriages failing, so you are not alone in this boat.

I hope you can still work it out, but best of luck to you, whatever happens.

 

[Abby12]

Hi guys

Thanks for all the advice and support.

The ring was just a symbol of one of the many issues we are having which go beyond even finances.
When i posted i guess i was looking for feedback not on the ring, but rather on how couples deal with finances.
So many of you have hit the nail on the head. I will try my best to talk out many of the issues we have, but getting feedback helps to put things in perspective from outsiders as well. Furthermore, i of course did not get into all our issues, then i would get maybe too much feedback! Anyway, it is great to come to a forum that you can express yourself freely.
Thanks

 

[Amys Bling]

I do hope everything works out. Eat for you- ring or no ring- the marriage should come first and definitely seek help and guidance on this from professionals ad truly get the marriage and communication you seek in your life

 

[Gypsy]

Hi guys

Thanks for all the advice and support.

The ring was just a symbol of one of the many issues we are having which go beyond even finances.
When i posted i guess i was looking for feedback not on the ring, but rather on how couples deal with finances.
So many of you have hit the nail on the head. I will try my best to talk out many of the issues we have, but getting feedback helps to put things in perspective from outsiders as well. Furthermore, i of course did not get into all our issues, then i would get maybe too much feedback! Anyway, it is great to come to a forum that you can express yourself freely.
Thanks

MANY HUGE HUGS. I'm sorry honey.

I wish I could I was surprised but I'm not. There were way too many flags. As Dreamer said, it's rarely about the ring.

I know was I very blunt but I just want you to know: I really wish I off base and wrong and that you guys were stable and healthy.

Take that 50k and buy yourself a new start. And honey.... you need counseling. CBT trained counseling. Again with the blunt... but this isn't all his fault. You have blame too. You are unhealthy too. And you do need self confidence and boundary reinforcement. SO... take some time and work on you and learn to love and appreciate you so you won't be taken for granted and allow yourself to enter into such a one sided relationship again.

 

[Abby12]

Hi

We have had a few good talks but i do not know where they will lead us.
The whole story is much more complicated as i can be quite demanding as well.
Trust me when i say i do not just sit back quietly taking crap. He explained the ring thing in greater detail to me.....
It was not exactly what i wanted to hear but it did make sense.
As Gypsey said though there are many other issues that we have both agreed to discuss one by one to give our marriage our best shot.
I agree, things need to change. I too need to change.
I have some resentment for things that i need to let go of otherwise we can never move forward.
I do have high expectations and actually i am quite blunt like gypsey. That sometimes is not appreciated by many including a husband.
Not to worry, i have the full confidence to walk away when it cannot be saved.
I just want to make sure we talk everything through and at least give it our all.
I have walked away from a marriage already once before and i know i can do it again and i will still be fine.
I am worth it. I also know that i have very high expectations and therefore need to reevaluate there as well.

I will keep you posted.

 

[Gypsy]

Sometimes staying is a lot harder than leaving. And sometimes both leaving and staying are equally hard and there doesn't seem to be a good decision, and only time can tell you what the right thing is to do for you. Only you can know when that line gets crossed in your relationship where things are hopeless. If you can, avoid making a rash decision at a time of high emotion. And make sure you are angry about something that your spouse actually did or is doing, rather than reacting to echos of past relationships or past hurts. You are married and that's a commitment that means something. A big something. And working things through is a good goal. If you need it and you both agree, relationship counseling can be valuable, with the right therapist (and disastrous with the wrong one). But if do go that route you both have to be willing to change for each other and both have to be equally invested. And you both should understand that a good therapist isn't a judge there to cast a verdict as to who is more right or more wrong, they are there to provide an outside perspective to facilitate you both understanding each other's perspectives so you can gain insight into how your spouse works. Because people are VERY different and sometimes it's hard to grasp just how much that plays in a role in relationship challenges. My husband and I have been together for thirteen years and because we have been together for so long we sometimes assume that time and familiarity means we see the same things the same way. And even after all this time we definitely do not, and we are very much individuals and that results in many misunderstandings and miscommunications. Sometimes when I am hurt it is the hardest thing to do to step out of my shoes into his, or to be honest with myself about what I am hurt about. To give you an example, I've been mad at him for over 24 hours for staying out late on Thursday night with some friends. Now he NEVER does that, and DESERVES to, and I KNOW that. But I was still angry this last day. At least I was until I forced myself to be honest with myself about WHY I was angry, and that was really hard (and I won't share why, it's too personal). But my point is, I was displacing my anger over something else onto this. And it seems you guys have been doing that with this ring. And that's okay, because you are realizing that now (which is great progress) and you are facing it and you are addressing the underlying issues. And that's a REALLY good thing, and bodes well. No matter what happens, the goal is no regrets. You want to make sure you are giving your relationship your best effort, so that if it works out, great. But on the off chance that it doesn't and you walk away you do so knowing you gave it everything you had.

More big hugs. And we are here (for whatever small comfort that is) if you do need to talk things through, or even if you just need to vent.

 

[VRBeauty]

Off-topic but...

Gypsy, you missed your calling.

 

[Abby12]

Gypsy

Agreed!
Will keep you posted!

 

[Dreamer_D]

It seems to me that the OP and her husband are each independently responsible for deciding how much money goes into savings and how much is fun money from their own incomes. That is the only scenerio I can imagine where this argument would arise. I am suggesting: Pool all money, pay fixed expenses, agree on an amount for savings, agree on an amount for fun money. The latter is then spent however each person wishes (so maybe that money is "his" and "hers"). But with the type of plan I suggest, the argument they are having now would never come up; savings would be in place with both contributing.

If they already do what I suggest then I am at a loss as to why they are having an argument at all, to be frank. She would not resent that he has no savings, if savings are already in place and drawn from joint funds. He would not have any say in how she spends her fun money.

I still think we are reading this with different interpretations, because I read her comments from the outset to mean that he claims to want to buy her e-ring (which presumably would happen by saving some of his 'fun/allowance' money), and she's upset because he's not saving any of his allowance money toward this stated goal.

Even if the follow the plan you've suggested (pool/pay expenses/pay savings/allowance), the e-ring was something he said he wanted to gift to her, so that would probably be funded by his 'fun/allowance' money, and that's the 'lack of savings' I think she's talking about. He says he wants to buy her the ring, but he's not saving a portion of his 'fun money' to make it happen.

Since the OP is not clarifying we are talking to ourselves but that scenerio still does not jive with what she said about him expecting her to spend her saved fun money on house stuff -- that seems to imply it is not actually her own discretionary money. Anyways, it is neither here nor there, the OP is responding to our comments in parallel not directly.

ETA: Just caught up. Abby, sorry about your troubles!

 

[movie zombie]

never believed it was just about a ring......


good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

Off-topic but...

Gypsy, you missed your calling.

Very sweet of you to say this VR. Truth is that I just have a very good therapist of my own (after a series of disastrous ones) and I/We have been very lucky to have found and clicked with her. And the lessons I've learned through the process sometimes are relevant to other's situations, so I just relay what I see what what I've learned hoping it might help others.

Abby, good for you honey. And best to you. ((HUGS))