How do all the ps'ers convince their husbands

[Polished]

Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

I haven't been here long but the message I've got from Pricescope is that a lot of people would prefer to go down the scale in colour and clarity in order to maximise the size.

Your stumbling block seems to be that not only is this e-ring not being lovingly bestowed upon you, it is something that you know has the potential to cause on-going friction into the future. It's true that we can do whatever we want but we also live with consequences. Of course the consequences can run the other way also, no matter how beautiful the ring you get, you may resent that he played no part in getting you a ring that was important to you and in fact he resented the money that was spent on it.

 

[Haven]

I've been quiet...but my DH is a huge supporter.. of the things I want.. I think because we are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to income.. and I have not been careless.... I just decided not long ago I wanted a pendant.. a nice one.. so I sold all kinds of things... craziness on ebay and I earned all but about $250.00 of the cost (darn ebay and paypal fees.. I need to figure those into the plan next time).. I think there are more ways than one to skin a cat... but I also support my DH's craziness too.. he likes watches and is dreaming of an old car.. if and when the time is right... kids are out of college and he wants it.. I assure you I will be very supportive... I think sometimes it comes down to understanding each other and having a good sense of financial responsibilities... I wouldn't make a purchase that put us at risk or caused tension.. good communication is still the most important part of any financial decision in a marriage...

I love this post.

DH and I support each other, as well. We respect each other's desires even if we don't understand them, and it sounds like maybe that is something you need from your DH. He doesn't have to understand your desire for a 50K diamond, but he should know you well enough to know that this is obviously important enough to you that you've saved the money for it.

 

[MissStepcut]

I don't know how anyone can give you their blessing and support for something they have misgivings about.

Is the problem that you think he should want for you to have the $50k e-ring of your dreams? That he'll come to you and say, "you've been such an amazing wife, I want to give you whatever your heart desires"? It sounds like that's not how he feels and you can't make him feel that way.

I would be upset if my SO wanted to spend a large proportion of our annual income on a luxury good for himself, and wouldn't ever really be able to give him my blessing on that. Like your husband, the best I would be able to do is telling you that you're entitled to do what you want.

 

[Mayk]

I've been quiet...but my DH is a huge supporter.. of the things I want.. I think because we are on a pretty level playing field when it comes to income.. and I have not been careless.... I just decided not long ago I wanted a pendant.. a nice one.. so I sold all kinds of things... craziness on ebay and I earned all but about $250.00 of the cost (darn ebay and paypal fees.. I need to figure those into the plan next time).. I think there are more ways than one to skin a cat... but I also support my DH's craziness too.. he likes watches and is dreaming of an old car.. if and when the time is right... kids are out of college and he wants it.. I assure you I will be very supportive... I think sometimes it comes down to understanding each other and having a good sense of financial responsibilities... I wouldn't make a purchase that put us at risk or caused tension.. good communication is still the most imporant part of any financial decision in a marriage...

Hey
Just curious as to what types of things you had success with selling on ebay? I would love to Purge and help fund my diamond sickness

And i agree with your comments completely!

I went a little crazy.. I sold Coach purses and Coach jewelry, a broken Michele Watch, a Tumi briefcase, Longeberger Baskets, my old diamond earrings, an old five stone band with not great diamonds, then I sold Silpada Jewelry and a pair of Tory Burch Shoes, and a pair of David Yurman earrings... Finally I sold an Antiques sea chest and a spin bicycle in the local paper...whalah...diamond necklace.

My next projects items are being decided now. I still have an antique typewriter and antiques camera and projector and a Henry Link Rocker... And i have three rings on consignment with JbEG... So my next project has a plan i tease my husband About not leaving his tools or watches around...he might find them on ebay...funding the Next bling on my list... Poor man!! I'm not well...and now everyone knows.

 

[Polished]

[quote="MaykI'm not well...and now everyone knows. [/quote]

At least it doesn't sound like you're a hoarder! I'd love to sell things on ebay, I just don't have any experience with it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Well, money is the number on cause of divorce. I don't say that to be a harbinger of doom, but only to point out that sorting out money issues in a relationship is flipping hard! I don't know many couples that have it sorted. I don't t know a magic recipe for managing communal money, but I will say that I don't really understand the concept of "his money" and "my money" in a marriage, and wonder if that false separateness is causing part of this problem -- thinking of the money as yours versus his is resulting in your resentment that "you" saved money and "he" didn't and now "you" have to put "your" money in to the house when "he" doesn't have to put any of "his" money into the house... I used quotes because money is common property in a marriage and so really there is no "yours" and "his". What there is, it seems to me, is one partner spending a tonne on luxury or non-essnetials while the other goes without, and the net result being savings for the couple (i.e., the money you currently call "your savings"). When you look at it that way, spending $50k on a ring because "you" saved and "he" did not seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Pooling your resources and coming up with a budget for luxuries you both agree upon could go a long way to making things seem more equitable. What you are doing now reminds me a little of how my husband and I often deal with food when we are on a diet -- if I have a treat, then he does too And neither of us wins.

As an aside, its pretty bad relationship behavior to give one's spouse one's blessing to do XYZ, and then later hold it over them and get mad that they did it. As i said, it ain't always about the ring! That's a fairly basic relationship communication issue.

 

[Polished]

I think it's probably human nature when there's a significant sum of money saved up for people to imagine the "best" way it could be spent. A sense of humour is important in a relationship right? You could always get yourself a gorgeous ring and if there is any comeback guilt trips laid on you, just wiggle your finger and observe casually, how at the time it had nearly killed you to have to forsake all those tempting cups of coffee and eatouts, but that you knew, in the long run, delaying gratification would have a great benefit on your character.

 

[aljdewey]

Pooling your resources and coming up with a budget for luxuries you both agree upon could go a long way to making things seem more equitable.

If I'm reading this correctly, you're saying that they should only put aside fun money for things they both jointly want? While a good idea, I honestly don't think that resolves the primary issue here. There is still the issue of how they have pocket money for individual disposables or wants.

They agreed to and set a budget for themselves, which included disposable money for each of them. He chose to spend his on smaller pleasures as he got funds, while she sacrificed other indulgences to save for the one thing she wants. Now he's taking issue with what she wants to spend her allotted portion on, and to me, that's not right. It would be okay with him if she spent it week to week on coffee and dinners and trinkets, but it's not okay that she went without all those things to purchase one big thing that he thinks is frivolous? That makes no sense to me.

If they plan their budget to allot each other an 'allowance' of sorts, it should be to each person to decide how they're spending their allowance. If she wants to pile hers on the front lawn and make a bonfire, that's her choice and her right IMHO.

 

[Polished]

aljdewey

It would be okay with him if she spent it week to week on coffee and dinners and trinkets, but it's not okay that she went without all those things to purchase one big thing that he thinks is frivolous? That makes no sense to me.

Exactly, you are getting punished for having set a goal, resisted small temptations along the way, in order to get something you really want. It's actually immaterial what the thing is - in this case it happens to be a ring. Something admirable is being held up as negative and open to criticism .

 

[Missy]

aljdewey

It would be okay with him if she spent it week to week on coffee and dinners and trinkets, but it's not okay that she went without all those things to purchase one big thing that he thinks is frivolous? That makes no sense to me.

Exactly, you are getting punished for having set a goal, resisted small temptations along the way, in order to get something you really want. It's actually immaterial what the thing is - in this case it happens to be a ring. Something admirable is being held up as negative and open to criticism .

I totally agree with aljdewey and polished. Many here are judging the amount but we have no clue what was given up in order to save this money. I know that personally I save by going without certain luxuries just so I can make a jewelry puchase while my dh might be buying little things along the way.

 

[Imdanny]

2 ct
But ps has made me picky.........
Maybe i need to not want a d color vs1 ideal cut

i'm not that greedy. i'll take a nice 2.5ct F VS2..

I'm holding out for 2.75 ct!

 

[junebug17]

"If they plan their budget to allot each other an 'allowance' of sorts, it should be to each person to decide how they're spending their allowance." - aljdewey

Yeah, I've thought about this for a bit and keep coming back to this. The bottom line is this is how their finances have been set up and Abby chose to save her allowance instead of spend it. It seems only fair she should be able to spend it on whatever she wants. I understand it's a large sum of money, but that really doesn't really change anything IMO.

That said Abby, I'm not sure there's much you can say to your husband to make him more supportive of you getting a ring with the funds, just going by what you've said in this post. Maybe if you give him some time he'll at least grow used to the idea and not be resentful about it. I don't know.

Abby, I've got to ask - I can only imagine your husband's mind was blown when you told him the amount you had saved. Was your husband aware that you were saving for a ring, and was he aware of the amount? Or did you just tell him one day? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just genuinely curious! I've never heard of a situation quite like this.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Pooling your resources and coming up with a budget for luxuries you both agree upon could go a long way to making things seem more equitable.

If I'm reading this correctly, you're saying that they should only put aside fun money for things they both jointly want? While a good idea, I honestly don't think that resolves the primary issue here. There is still the issue of how they have pocket money for individual disposables or wants.

They agreed to and set a budget for themselves, which included disposable money for each of them. He chose to spend his on smaller pleasures as he got funds, while she sacrificed other indulgences to save for the one thing she wants. Now he's taking issue with what she wants to spend her allotted portion on, and to me, that's not right. It would be okay with him if she spent it week to week on coffee and dinners and trinkets, but it's not okay that she went without all those things to purchase one big thing that he thinks is frivolous? That makes no sense to me.

If they plan their budget to allot each other an 'allowance' of sorts, it should be to each person to decide how they're spending their allowance. If she wants to pile hers on the front lawn and make a bonfire, that's her choice and her right IMHO.

Of course I am not suggesting that.

It seems to me that the OP and her husband are each independently responsible for deciding how much money goes into savings and how much is fun money from their own incomes. That is the only scenerio I can imagine where this argument would arise. I am suggesting: Pool all money, pay fixed expenses, agree on an amount for savings, agree on an amount for fun money. The latter is then spent however each person wishes (so maybe that money is "his" and "hers"). But with the type of plan I suggest, the argument they are having now would never come up; savings would be in place with both contributing.

If they already do what I suggest then I am at a loss as to why they are having an argument at all, to be frank. She would not resent that he has no savings, if savings are already in place and drawn from joint funds. He would not have any say in how she spends her fun money.

 

[Aoife]

I think the amount of money involved is irrelevant to the principle: If Abby12 and her husband agreed to each have separate discretionary funds, whether it's $50 or $50,000, that money is hers to spend as she chooses, just as her husband's is his to spend as he chooses--which he apparently has already done. That is certainly not the way my husband and I manage our money and our spending, but different things work for different couples.

To me, the problematical bit is the fact that Abby12 apparently wants her husband's blessing, and it does not sound like that blessing is going to be forthcoming. In our family, we apply the "So, are you willing to die on your sword for this?" test. In the grand scheme of things, how important is this ring to Abby12? Important enough to create a significant breach with her husband? It may be her money, and her right to spend as she chooses, but does that choice serve the larger issues? It's a problem if:

a) something that is so important to Abby12 (an engagement ring) is something her husband thinks is a waste. This shows a serious lack of communication and disrespect from him directed at her if he isn't willing to make any effort to give her what she has told him is important to her. It makes me wonder if he had made a sincere effort to provide her with a smaller, less expensive ring if this whole conflict would have come up.

b) it sets up a "me vs. him" , "his debt and children vs. my money/ring" dynamic. A couple who don't view themselves as a team with shared goals and objectives is going to face these kind of polarizing issues over and over.

No answers here, but I don't think the fact that it's $50k makes the least bit of difference to the larger issues.

 

[madelise]

Does anyone else think that after all these years of wasting his fun $ on daily coffee trips.. and not keeping his end of the deal of getting her an e-ring is also a problem? I would NOT be okay with that. I'm not saying he needs to spend the 50k like OP wants.. but he needs to show his own priorities.. His promise to get one hasn't been fulfilled yet. There is no e-ring "upgrade" if there was no e-ring to begin with. Even if she does spend her own $ to buy her own ring.. it's not an e-ring. It's a me-ring.

I don't care if you're rich or poor. There are beautiful rings that are modest and price-friendly. If a man promises you a ring, he should keep that promise.

 

[partgypsy]

Now I could be reading into things, but Abby never said that her husband spent 50K of his discretionary money on fun things. On the contrary, he was in a previous relationship, had debts, has obligations to his children. Most likely they both pooled in for joint monetary responsibilities, and he used his remaining money on paying off debt and paying for his children. While she saved and maybe sold some posessions to come up with the money. Edit: I see he likes to go out and buy coffee. 50K worth of coffee?

How would I feel about that situation? Well as the husband, I would be feeling, I am trying to turn my life around to have a marriage with my new wife, being more responsible with money. In contrast she wants to upgrade to a more expensive house which we will need to furnish AND she also wants to spend 50K on a ring. I'd wonder if we were really working together as a team after all.

I don't think it's about the ring. I think it's having a more clear understanding of his money, your money and OUR money. You may think it is your money, but possibly under the law and the way he views it, it is joint property.

To me, 50K is a lot of money. I'd rather get a smaller ring he was on board with and helped pay for, than a big ring that causes problems with your relationship. And if you still want that ring regardless of the fallout, your marriage has bigger problems than the fact he didn't buy you an engagement ring.

 

[aljdewey]

It seems to me that the OP and her husband are each independently responsible for deciding how much money goes into savings and how much is fun money from their own incomes. That is the only scenerio I can imagine where this argument would arise. I am suggesting: Pool all money, pay fixed expenses, agree on an amount for savings, agree on an amount for fun money. The latter is then spent however each person wishes (so maybe that money is "his" and "hers"). But with the type of plan I suggest, the argument they are having now would never come up; savings would be in place with both contributing.

If they already do what I suggest then I am at a loss as to why they are having an argument at all, to be frank. She would not resent that he has no savings, if savings are already in place and drawn from joint funds. He would not have any say in how she spends her fun money.

I still think we are reading this with different interpretations, because I read her comments from the outset to mean that he claims to want to buy her e-ring (which presumably would happen by saving some of his 'fun/allowance' money), and she's upset because he's not saving any of his allowance money toward this stated goal.

Even if the follow the plan you've suggested (pool/pay expenses/pay savings/allowance), the e-ring was something he said he wanted to gift to her, so that would probably be funded by his 'fun/allowance' money, and that's the 'lack of savings' I think she's talking about. He says he wants to buy her the ring, but he's not saving a portion of his 'fun money' to make it happen.

 

[Abby12]

I also sold some old jewelry and saved that too.
Yes he knew i was saving all along.

Anyway, maybe we can compromise and i can buy a ring and have quite a bit leftover for house stuff as well? Oh and one more thing.......
He has not had enough time to fully save even for a 8k ring so i do not
Need to get upset about that.

 

[kenny]

 

[junebug17]

I also sold some old jewelry and saved that too.
Yes he knew i was saving all along.

Anyway, maybe we can compromise and i can buy a ring and have quite a bit leftover for house stuff as well? Oh and one more thing.......
He has not had enough time to fully save even for a 8k ring so i do not
Need to get upset about that.

Abby, I think this is a pretty decent compromise! You can still get a killer ring and I'll bet it will make you feel good that you're helping out your family as well. When you're ready I bet the folks over in RT would be happy to help you out!

 

[Gypsy]

Oh and one more thing.......
He has not had enough time to fully save even for a 8k ring

There's a lot of problems with your relationship that I see. I really don't think the ring or lack there of is anything other than a symptom of these problems.


I would be more concerned about the underlying issues than the ring thing, personally. After all, if you don't focus on that stuff you might have a really nice ring but no marriage soon as these issues fester and build.

( I just noticed that my cat destroyed a chair, so I'm now distracted and forgot the rest of what I was going to say).

 

[Polished]

If I was in this situation I think I would use the ring as a way of creating interconnectedness in the relationship. Abbey, you say you will compromise on the ring, then you will use the rest of the money for the stuff you both want together and in the same breath say he hasn't done any saving. The net result is you are still the one doing all the compromising. What possible incentive is there for him to change, or compromise or try to please you with this scenario. I'd be thinking of ways to make him take responsibility for things that are important to you and therefore ought to be for him. How about asking him if he will come in halves with you on an $8,000 dollar ring or whatever the amount is. This should be very manageable - start saving today. Say this is your preference and you would love to have him do it in a generous and wholehearted way. If this isn't going to happen make it clear that you intend to blow the lot of your substantial savings on a ring thus producing a situation where he would feel deprived of some of the things he would love to have. Talk can be cheap, people have to feel consequences in order to wake up and change.

 

[Mara]

Hi
How do you all convince your husbands to allow you to upgrade ering even when your paying for it?!

Lots of wine and a bubble bath!!!

 

[Enerchi]

Hi
How do you all convince your husbands to allow you to upgrade ering even when your paying for it?!

Lots of wine and a bubble bath!!!

Perfect resolution to any problem!!!

 

[Abby12]

Oh and one more thing.......
He has not had enough time to fully save even for a 8k ring

There's a lot of problems with your relationship that I see. I really don't think the ring or lack there of is anything other than a symptom of these problems.


I would be more concerned about the underlying issues than the ring thing, personally. After all, if you don't focus on that stuff you might have a really nice ring but no marriage soon as these issues fester and build.

( I just noticed that my cat destroyed a chair, so I'm now distracted and forgot the rest of what I was going to say).

Thanks for the psychological analysis.......

 

[Enerchi]

Hi Abby,
since this thread started, any chance you've had a chance to run it by your DH again and bring up the subject? Again, not asking permission but just conversing about your wish for a lovely ring and have a "I'm ok buying it myself... would you like to shop with me?" kind of a chat?

Do what makes you feel comfortable in the end. No sense spending all the money you've saved, on a ring that every time you look at it or wear it, it creates stress and friction. I hope you do end up treating yourself to something lovely - you've saved for it and it would be a nice treat for all the sacrifices you passed up along the way.

 

[mrs jam]

You know what? After all the effort that you have put into saving your $$$, you deserve the ring of your dreams. Have you started your search yet? I say start looking for your stone. Your perfect diamond might end up costing less than your maximum budget, but if it ends up costing the maximum amount, so what? It's what you've been saving for. You could hold off on setting it in a ring for a bit to give your husband some time to welcome it with open arms. Maybe set it in a temporary inexpensive pendant setting and let him contribute to the engagement ring by saving up to buy your dream setting to match your dream stone?

You've already demonstrated that you are a very disciplined saver-upper. Your next goal could be saving up for things for the house, like furniture or a downpayment. Maybe it's not very sensible of me, but I would buy the ring first. If you don't get it now, there will always be some other reason to put the purchase aside until later.

 

[Gypsy]

I just don't see him compromising on anything. That's not healthy. I really do mean it when I say you sound very well trained. And him not so much.

I sold some gold pieces a while back to fund a jewelry purchase and OMG my DH was adamant that the money ONLY go toward more jewelry and not toward anything else. I mean, here you've saved and sold and ... he is still complaining? And asking you to compromise when he hasn't done a thing to compromise himself?

But then I think of 50k and I think... wow that's a lot of money. But it's YOUR money damnit.

I'd like to agree Mrs.Jam. But I am worried that you still won't ENJOY the ring and that it will just become a symbol of frustration and strife. That's why I hesitate. Cause 50k is a lot of money to spend on something that may become a symbol of regret. And jewelry is a terrible investment that doesn't recoup well.

I do recommend therapy. If not for you guys as a couple, then for you as an individual.


Here's what the 'solution' I've got.
Put the 42k in savings. For a rainy day. Just put it in a safe place (interest bearing savings) in your name only. Take it out of contention for now. It's yours and keep it.

Then have him match your 8k with his. And get something lovely for 16k for yourself that symbolizes you guys working together.

Then work on your marriage/spending types/communication and in a few years-- 5 or so... decide what you want to do with the rest of the money.

 

[distracts]

Thanks for the psychological analysis.......

I am not sure what else you could have expected when asking a question about a relationship problem.

 

[VRBeauty]

This is probably not the answer you want to hear, but...

If what you want is an engagement ring, then I think you have to work with your husband on it. Everything you've told us indicates that he's sensitive about the subject and aside from the issue of him thinking any engagement ring is frivolous, there's going to be some hurt feelings or resentment if you sport a huge ring as an engagement ring and he had nothing to do with it. Put yourself in his shoes... people are going to comment on the ring assume he bought it, and he'll say... No, she bought that engagement ring herself? I'd venture to say that situation would make a lot of men uncomfortable. So explain to him why you want an engagement ring, negotiate on the cost, and make it a 50/50 purchase, even if that means it's a smaller ring than you had planned for. Meet him halfway. Let it be something that you can both appreciate and take some pride in. Let him get used to this idea, then consider an upgrade in the future.



ETA I just realized I'm pretty much duplicating what Gypsy said... sorry about that, Gypsy! But while I'm at it, I'll also second the idea of having some serious discussions about money and expectations in that area. It does sound like you and your husband are on different pages about how the "yours, mine, and ours" thing should work.