How do all the ps'ers convince their husbands

[canuk-gal]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

Bingo. Given your agreement, remind him that what's his is his, but yours is not his.

And now, all at once, you will spend "yours".

cheers--Sharon

 

[lulu]

He likes motorcycles and I like jewelry. It works out great.

 

[Gypsy]

I wouldn't have to convince my husband, I'd just tell him what I'm doing and then go out and buy it myself.

That's where I'm at. I haven't upgraded my center stone and won't for sentimental reasons and my DH feels strongly about the stone he proposed with. And I generally won't resell or return jewelry gifts from him for sentimental reasons. But short of THAT? I just go out and buy it if we have the money. There's usually no consultation even. It just magically appears from his perspective.

 

[hoover]

I never got an engagement ring from DH either, but for our 10th anniversary, he did promise to buy me one. When the time came, he was going to just go to Costco to buy whatever they had, but luckily for me, they only had size 7 and B & M stores kept on saying that they would have to custom make my ring anyways due to my finger size. He gave me a budget of how much he would pay and I threw in my own money too so that I could get mine custom made with what I wanted so that it was more special to me (and made the wait more worthwhile). Yes, he did say that it felt like a slap in the face that what he was offering me wasn't good enough but now he does point out to my family and friends that he followed through and ponied up a big chunk of $$ to get me a ring (especially if he hears someone commenting about jewellery). I just keep my mouth shut about having to add my own money in there because I know it's a sensitive issue and I let him take full credit for it.

When we first started out, we only had a joint account. We found it wasn't working since I resented the fact that he had no problem spending "our" money on his family and he complained about spending money on my family. I also didn't like how he would comment on my spending habits (even though we never overspent and managed savings and paid our debts) and I was always within my "allowance" but his spending always seemed "okay" even if he was over his allowance.
So after a few years of trying it out, we agreed to have our joint account for regular expenses and vacations, as well as our own personal accounts to spend as we wish and the other is not allowed to complain about how we spend "our own money". We each put in the same percentage into the joint account since he agreed it wasn't fair if I had to contribute the same $$ amount as him since he makes more than me. It's worked out well, because now that I've discovered PS, and have found my self wanting (and actually buying) more bling, he just rolls his eyes and says "at leat you're just wasting Your money"
good thing he doesn't know what I have planned and I don't have to tell him since I'm using MY $$$

All that being said, if you saved the $$ from your portion of your fun money, you can spend it how you want. If your DH blew his $$$ and couldn't save for what he wants, he's the one who's not allowed to resent you for buying your own ring with Your savings. He's being a hypocrite.

Maybe calling it your ring instead of engagement ring might remove a little of the resentment? (just putting it out there to see if it'll fly)

 

[hoover]

In conclusion: boys are dumb. Do what you want.

+1

 

[Gypsy]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

Well then perhaps you need to have a talk with hm about how he is being judgemental of you and your choices. It is not his place to tell you something you like and enjoy is "useless". Seems it is never really about the ring when people post things like this

I agree. This isn't about a ring. It's about the man. And it's about respect. And I gotta say, I wouldn't have married or even dated long term a man that acted that way. Not okay in my opinion.

Here's an example of how things work in my marriage:

I believe in gun control and would actually prefer that the Constitution be amended so we couldn't have guns in this country. My DH enjoys shooting at the range for sport. He wants a gun as a result. We talked about it because he KNOWS I have an objection to guns in my house and that I don't believe in guns for the dubious 'protection' they provide. He promised to store it off property at the range and that it would be only for sport and never on anything that is alive. He's an adult, it's his money, and his sport. And he's being responsible about gun ownership. And it won't be in my house or used for 'self defense' or on anything alive and therefore it doesn't impact me in any way. So he is going to buy one. He didn't ask for permission, and this is with a GUN so something potentially dangerous. But that's how my marriage works. And I wouldn't ALLOW it to be any other way.

With jewelry, there's no danger. I have insurance and I store it safely. If I can afford it I buy it. The end. And we don't even have separate "fun money" accounts like some couples do.

 

[TravelingGal]

I wouldn't have to convince my husband, I'd just tell him what I'm doing and then go out and buy it myself.

That's where I'm at. I haven't upgraded my center stone and won't for sentimental reasons and my DH feels strongly about the stone he proposed with. And I generally won't resell or return jewelry gifts from him for sentimental reasons. But short of THAT? I just go out and buy it if we have the money. There's usually no consultation even. It just magically appears from his perspective.

I consult with my husband if I am going to make a jewelry purchase (er, at least I do now, lol). Why? Because I would certainly appreciate it if he did that before he went out and bought something big, his money or not. It's just being courteous. But mostly I agree.

My wedding band and e-ring are really the only two pieces where I give him major say (and anything he may want to buy for me, of course. ) He doesn't even want me to POLISH my wedding band. He's weird that way. Says the wear is like a badge of honor and blah blah blah. Since it doesn't KILL me not to have a polished band and I don't mind patina, I can work with this. Everything else though...stay out of my way!

 

[Circe]

Hey, TG - your av took off her Santa hat! Excellent timing, in April.

Hey, I'm not taking the piss - I just took the Hanukkah Tree down last week.

 

[Gypsy]

I wouldn't have to convince my husband, I'd just tell him what I'm doing and then go out and buy it myself.

That's where I'm at. I haven't upgraded my center stone and won't for sentimental reasons and my DH feels strongly about the stone he proposed with. And I generally won't resell or return jewelry gifts from him for sentimental reasons. But short of THAT? I just go out and buy it if we have the money. There's usually no consultation even. It just magically appears from his perspective.

I consult with my husband if I am going to make a jewelry purchase (er, at least I do now, lol). Why? Because I would certainly appreciate it if he did that before he went out and bought something big, his money or not. It's just being courteous. But mostly I agree.

My wedding band and e-ring are really the only two pieces where I give him major say (and anything he may want to buy for me, of course. ) He doesn't even want me to POLISH my wedding band. He's weird that way. Says the wear is like a badge of honor and blah blah blah. Since it doesn't KILL me not to have a polished band and I don't mind patina, I can work with this. Everything else though...stay out of my way!

I consult too. With larger purchases especially. But that's more a function of my personality. And because I agree that it's polite. But I bought a little stacking band yesterday and DH still doesn't know and doesn't need to.

 

[Dancing Fire]

funny thing about PS (an 87% female forum) the husband is always guilty...

 

[jaysonsmom]

I don't even know how to answer this question because I never had to ask him to buy me bling. He knows that diamonds bring me happiness, and I think he believes that l'm very good mom and wife so I get rewarded with bling every few years.

Shower your husband with love and affection. And the next time you stop to drool in front of a jewelry store window he might just surprise you by going in and buying something that catches eye.

Financial security is also plays a huge role in the ease of getting what you want. If you're saving for a downpayment for a house or still paying off school loans, then getting him to buy a luxury item may be much harder. We worked and struggled when first married but are now able to buy nice things for each other.

My advice is to invest time and love into your relationship. Grow old together. Good things come to those who wait.

 

[Jennifer W]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

Well then perhaps you need to have a talk with hm about how he is being judgemental of you and your choices. It is not his place to tell you something you like and enjoy is "useless". Seems it is never really about the ring when people post things like this

Or, you could just affect not to notice his take on this, since I doubt you'll make him see it differently. Honestly, if someone is emasculated by their spouse buying a ring, a small (mean) part of me feels like they deserve it, for being so dumb (or as Circe alluded to, so manipulative). But then, avoiding emasculation isn't ever going to factor in any decision I make, since the concept feels ridiculous to me, like a control mechanism.

So, if it was me, I'd do what I wanted to with my money and just take my husband out of the equation if that's how he was behaving.

The issue of permission isn't one I'd allow personally (no pun intended) but I wonder, do you perhaps feel like you need permission to spend the money? I used to feel like that even when I was single. I needed someone to validate my decision to spend on a non-essential item. It comes from having been dirt poor, in my case.

 

[Circe]

...

The issue of permission isn't one I'd allow personally (no pun intended) but I wonder, do you perhaps feel like you need permission to spend the money? I used to feel like that even when I was single. I needed someone to validate my decision to spend on a non-essential item. It comes from having been dirt poor, in my case.

... this is very wise.

Dude. I never realized that about myself.

Duuuuude ....

 

[Jennifer W]

LOL!

Seriously, thinking back, I used to tell my best friend when I was thinking of buying something that wasn't basic food or household stuff. I'd explain why it was a sensible purchase. Make my justifications out loud to another person, so they were validated in some way. If she'd said it was a bad idea or I didn't need it, it would have given me pause. Not because she had any say in how I spend the cash, or because I overtly required her permission but because I needed someone to say it's ok, you're above subsistence level and you can have it... I don't feel the need anymore, because there are a few more years of comfort between me and real poverty now.

 

[MissStepcut]

If my SO tried this, it would turn into a "Really?! with Seth and Amy" bit.

Really? You never got around to giving me an engagement ring, but you're also giving me flak about doing it myself? Really. And you still haven't made any headway on saving for it, but in the meantime you have all the little creature comforts disposable income has afforded you for yourself?

 

[Gypsy]

funny thing about PS (an 87% female forum) the husband is always guilty...

Okay. Since you said that. I DO NOT THINK the husband is the problem here. I think she is COMPLAINING about her husband. But I think the PROBLEM is her. And that's ACTUALLY what we've been beating around the bush with. I

Why even ASK PERMISSION? Aren't you an adult? Isn't it your money? Aren't you a partner in this relationship. You want a ring. You have the money saved up. Buy one. It's about self respect and self confidence. The OP needs both. And once she sets the appropriate boundary with her husband ONCE, if he is a good husband and a smart man, he's respect it and they won't have this problem again. The reason she is having this problem is because she hasn't set this boundary until now. And that is a mistake.

And I personally EXPECTED an engagement ring. I won't apologize for it, cause that would be dishonest. I didn't expect a 2 carat stone. Or a Tiffany ring (although my dream ring would have been a 2 carat Lucida at that time). But I did expect A ring. And I expected a THOUGHTFUL and nice ring and I made that clear. We were students when we met and it took 4 years. My feeling was two people who had all the time in the world had no rush to get married (we lived together) and if we couldn't afford a ring, we had no business being married. BUT even if I HAD married him without a ring (which I would have done if I had been ready for marriage because I love him that much) you can BET he would have made that up to me by now!!!

Informing your spouse of a large purchase with your own money is polite, asking for permission is just weak.

And I'm NOT a materialistic, demanding or high maintenance wife (financially, emotionally I put him through the wringer ). But if something is important to me HE KNOWS IT. And it's important to him as a result because he wants my happiness.

 

[Gypsy]

If my SO tried this, it would turn into a "Really?! with Seth and Amy" bit.

Really? You never got around to giving me an engagement ring, but you're also giving me flak about doing it myself? Really. And you still haven't made any headway on saving for it, but in the meantime you have all the little creature comforts disposable income has afforded you for yourself?

EXACTLY. Self respect and self confidence. You train each other in a relationship-- that's normal. He has YOU very well trained. Now, turn around and train him.

 

[Missy]

funny thing about PS (an 87% female forum) the husband is always guilty...

Okay. Since you said that. I DO NOT THINK the husband is the problem here. I think she is COMPLAINING about her husband. But I think the PROBLEM is her. And that's ACTUALLY what we've been beating around the bush with. I

Why even ASK PERMISSION? Aren't you an adult? Isn't it your money? Aren't you a partner in this relationship. You want a ring. You have the money saved up. Buy one. It's about self respect and self confidence. The OP needs both. And once she sets the appropriate boundary with her husband ONCE, if he is a good husband and a smart man, he's respect it and they won't have this problem again. The reason she is having this problem is because she hasn't set this boundary until now. And that is a mistake.

And I personally EXPECTED an engagement ring. I won't apologize for it, cause that would be dishonest. I didn't expect a 2 carat stone. Or a Tiffany ring (although my dream ring would have been a 2 carat Lucida at that time). But I did expect A ring. And I expected a THOUGHTFUL and nice ring and I made that clear. We were students when we met and it took 4 years. My feeling was two people who had all the time in the world had no rush to get married (we lived together) and if we couldn't afford a ring, we had no business being married. BUT even if I HAD married him without a ring (which I would have done if I had been ready for marriage because I love him that much) you can BET he would have made that up to me by now!!!

And I'm NOT a materialistic, demanding or high maintenance wife (financially, emotionally I put him through the wringer ). But if something is important to me HE KNOWS IT. And it's important to him as a result because he wants my happiness.

Bingo. If something is important to you and your happiness it should be important to your SO as well. A good relationship is based not just on love but on respect, understanding and communication. And learning to put the other first when it is important to them. Not sure what the whole story is but I would find this unacceptable. Not only should you get your ring but your dh should want you to get the ring of your dreams. Again, it is a personal situation and we are only getting part of the story but based on what you wrote I think it critical you have a good long communicative talk with him and work things out.

 

[Jennifer W]

My wedding band and e-ring are really the only two pieces where I give him major say (and anything he may want to buy for me, of course. ) He doesn't even want me to POLISH my wedding band. He's weird that way. Says the wear is like a badge of honor and blah blah blah. Since it doesn't KILL me not to have a polished band and I don't mind patina, I can work with this. Everything else though...stay out of my way!

There's a polishing wheel in my laundry room. When you come over, you can always accidentally turn it on, press a stick of finishing polish to it by mistake and then lean unintentionally against it very carefully, in a non-deliberate, I didn't intend to polish up my wedding ring sort of way.... just sayin'

 

[Abby12]

Ok, perhaps i need to clarify.

I am not asking for permission. I am asking for his accePyance and blessing to do it.
I did not get a ring because he had debt and kids. This is not first marriage.
I really want to move to a different house which would then mean we have a mortgage. Fine.
He believes that this money saved could be better used to buy furniture and put towards a new home.
I believe that we can save together, but then also have fun money savings too.
He never said i could not do it. He just does not agree with it because i
I would want to spend like 50k or whatever.

 

[Missy]

Ok, perhaps i need to clarify.

I am not asking for permission. I am asking for his accePyance and blessing to do it.
I did not get a ring because he had debt and kids. This is not first marriage.
I really want to move to a different house which would then mean we have a mortgage. Fine.
He believes that this money saved could be better used to buy furniture and put towards a new home.
I believe that we can save together, but then also have fun money savings too.
He never said i could not do it. He just does not agree with it because i
I would want to spend like 50k or whatever.

If you have the money to be able to do it and he just disagrees because he doesn't see the need well, then, I still go with my first thought of having a really clear and complete talk about why you want one and why it is important to you and therefore why it should be important to him.

I agree that I would want my dh to be on board with this purchase because it is a symbol of the marriage. Just because he was already married before you doesn't mean you do not deserve a beautiful ER. And if you have the funds to do it then he should understand. It seems as if he is being selfish and putting his needs first because he has debt and the expense of raising his kids. Not saying that isn't important but just saying you are at least equally important. If you are not adding to your debt then I see no issue that your dh should have with this. Unless he is putting his needs first and let's face it it is his debt and though you are married I hope his debt is his. He is a big boy and he has to clean up the mess he might be in.

Sorry if that seems harsh but he did come to your marriage with debt and though you are a team this is something you feel is very important (and I agree) and if you can afford a 50K ring I say get it. But make sure you really explain your thoughts and feelings to him and though you are a team you are a team starting together and the debt he has from his first marriage should be his alone. IMO.

How much you want to spend on the ring should be discussed as it is a big purchase but I still feel if you can afford it you should get the ring you truly want. You could save tons of money over the course of your marriage regarding the ring if you get the ring you want to start with and do not have to upgrade and reset etc. When I think of all the wasted money regarding my ring resets LOL...

Good luck, I know it's not an easy or straightforward situation and I want it to work out for you.

 

[Gypsy]

Ok, perhaps i need to clarify.

I am not asking for permission. I am asking for his accePyance and blessing to do it.
I did not get a ring because he had debt and kids. This is not first marriage.
I really want to move to a different house which would then mean we have a mortgage. Fine.
He believes that this money saved could be better used to buy furniture and put towards a new home.
I believe that we can save together, but then also have fun money savings too.
He never said i could not do it. He just does not agree with it because i
I would want to spend like 50k or whatever.

Great. My advice/posts/comments remain unchanged. Period. Although I will say that short of having MILLIONS in the bank I wouldn't spend 50k on any piece of jewelry. Or even several pieces. And it doesn't sound like there are millions in the bank. So maybe his problem isn't a RING. It's your expectations regarding the ring. And those may be valid. Hard to say without more information.

 

[Polished]

50k is this serious? When he has children from another marriage and has sensibly saved money for furniture and a house. He sounds like a keeper to me. I totally get the whole diamond ring thing, for me it's not a luxury item; a diamond in a lovely setting, that embodies something about me, seems to satisfy something deep in my soul. However there is a time and place and I think if you are working as a team you pull together to get the necessities together. If I was you I'd be putting in the enjoyable work of researching for diamonds and settings. There are so many glorious ones out there (Ritani has caught my eye recently) that would not disrupt your joint financial goals. It might be nice if you could bring him in on the project and then go halves.

 

[Abby12]

Yes i think it is the amount i want to spend that is the issue.

 

[iheartscience]

If my SO tried this, it would turn into a "Really?! with Seth and Amy" bit.

Really? You never got around to giving me an engagement ring, but you're also giving me flak about doing it myself? Really. And you still haven't made any headway on saving for it, but in the meantime you have all the little creature comforts disposable income has afforded you for yourself?

This sums it up nicely for me as well!

 

[iheartscience]

funny thing about PS (an 87% female forum) the husband is always guilty...

Okay. Since you said that. I DO NOT THINK the husband is the problem here. I think she is COMPLAINING about her husband. But I think the PROBLEM is her. And that's ACTUALLY what we've been beating around the bush with. I

Why even ASK PERMISSION? Aren't you an adult? Isn't it your money? Aren't you a partner in this relationship. You want a ring. You have the money saved up. Buy one. It's about self respect and self confidence. The OP needs both. And once she sets the appropriate boundary with her husband ONCE, if he is a good husband and a smart man, he's respect it and they won't have this problem again. The reason she is having this problem is because she hasn't set this boundary until now. And that is a mistake.

And I personally EXPECTED an engagement ring. I won't apologize for it, cause that would be dishonest. I didn't expect a 2 carat stone. Or a Tiffany ring (although my dream ring would have been a 2 carat Lucida at that time). But I did expect A ring. And I expected a THOUGHTFUL and nice ring and I made that clear. We were students when we met and it took 4 years. My feeling was two people who had all the time in the world had no rush to get married (we lived together) and if we couldn't afford a ring, we had no business being married. BUT even if I HAD married him without a ring (which I would have done if I had been ready for marriage because I love him that much) you can BET he would have made that up to me by now!!!

Informing your spouse of a large purchase with your own money is polite, asking for permission is just weak.

And I'm NOT a materialistic, demanding or high maintenance wife (financially, emotionally I put him through the wringer ). But if something is important to me HE KNOWS IT. And it's important to him as a result because he wants my happiness.

Ditto this 100%

 

[Circe]

I think what we're saying IS what you wanted to know ... just that there may be some miscommunication. Gypsy has a colorfully "Scared Straight" manner of speaking sometimes, but she's totally right: he trained you to accept certain things, and you need to train him back.

Now, the sum you have in mind is impressive: are we talking about this being, like, what you can save in one year after you handle basic expenses, five years, ten ...?

Regardless, it's still your money: but I can see what you mean about wanting to know your husband supports you (there is one lamp in my house that is still a source of contention, and it cost less than .001% of your prospective budget).

My husband comes from a culture that doesn't value diamonds. Like, at all. They don't have engagement rings, just plain bands. But he was nevertheless on board with getting me a big diamond when we got engaged, and a bigger diamond when we hit five years.

Why?

He calls is my "crazed rat face." Seriously, there's a reason I use the smiley so often: when I am gloating happily over some new acquisition, I look just like it. Apparently, seeing how happy my e-ring had made me over the years (I am not above sitting in a beam of light, turning my hand back and forth, admiring the rainbows and saying "Shiny! Shiny!") made him feel it'd be worth spending what was to him a ludicrous sum of money so I could double-fist it.

Going back to Gypsy's metaphor, I think we would call this "positive reinforcement."

So, if 50K is too much for him to swallow, why not start smaller? Explain how you feel, ask him what he thinks a reasonable sum to buy you an e-ring (and fulfill his promise) would be, and go from there. If he spends, like, 15K off the bat and sees how delighted you are, maybe in 5 or 10 years, 50 won't seem so absurd ....

P.S. - In the meantime, I'd keep saving the money, though. If you wind up needing it in the future, it's there: if you go with bigger bling, it's there. No reason to squander it in the meantime like he apparently has his ....

 

[Ninna]

Yes i think it is the amount i want to spend that is the issue.

I tend to swim a little different so here it goes: Spend HALF of the amount and forget about the 'blessing' you can always go to a church for that.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ditto everything Missy said about the reasons for the ring.

Ditto everything Gypsy said about the cost of the ring.

Your original question was about upgrading e-rings - upgrade being the operative term. For most people here (and I realize there are exceptions) the really big bling comes later. I'm wondering if there's something other than the desire for an engagement ring that's driving your budget... but really, that's just an idle thought. But still, if it's an engagement ring you want, or for that matter just a beautiful diamond ring to wear on your left hand, why $50K?

 

[packrat]

So..ok, you each have your own play money, yes? You save yours and he spends his, yes? What does he spend HIS play money on? Himself? If so, then he can shut his pie hole. "Hey, guess what, I've bought 50k in toys and fun things for ME with MY play money but YOU get to spend YOUR play money on things for US" Cuz yeah, that's fair. If he's not spending it on himself, what's he doing w/it? Spending it on his kids? Regardless, maybe he's spending it on stuff for the BOTH of you, he's free to spend it how he wants, and so are YOU. Well hell, even IF he's spending it on stuff for both of you, it's his decision to do that.