How do all the ps'ers convince their husbands

[Abby12]

Hi
How do you all convince your husbands to allow you to upgrade ering even when your paying for it?!
I want a ring! I never got one and i have been saving for ages.
He said he would get me ine when he could save for it, but i want to go all out so i want to buy
It myself.

 

[sonnyjane]

Well, for starters, have you told him that you're willing to pay for it yourself?

 

[decodelighted]

Allow?

 

[sonnyjane]

Allow?

Hehe I was going to address that part after I got the answer to what he said about her paying for it herself

 

[distracts]

Dude I wonder this too. My fiance feels like if I get a new ring, I am saying I want a new man. The ring like IS him in his mind. I don't get it. I don't even want to ever get rid of my current ring since it's awesome and perfect, but I can see how in the future for an anniversary I might want another that I can alternate with. But obviously I'm not going to do it if it hurts his feelings tremendously. (And imo Deco that's what OP means when she says "allow," make it so that his feelings are not hurt by "upgrading.")

 

[Circe]

Dude I wonder this too. My fiance feels like if I get a new ring, I am saying I want a new man. The ring like IS him in his mind. I don't get it. I don't even want to ever get rid of my current ring since it's awesome and perfect, but I can see how in the future for an anniversary I might want another that I can alternate with. But obviously I'm not going to do it if it hurts his feelings tremendously. (And imo Deco that's what OP means when she says "allow," make it so that his feelings are not hurt by "upgrading.")

Yeah, but since she says she never got one ....

 

[movie zombie]

"allow"? you saved the $?! just buy the thing and wear it. i know in a relationship things are supposed to be discussed, etc. but there comes a point that, imo, he needs to grow up and accept that you're fully capable of making things happen for yourself and that you will. actually, he should be pleased! he doesn't have to save up to satisfy you and can get that big screen tv he probably wants instead.

 

[distracts]

Yeah, Circe, but he is probably insulted/emasculated by the idea that she's given up on him getting her a ring and is going to do it on her own. It's silly, but that's probably how he's feeling and why he's against it. WE know that even if he's using the words "I won't allow it," that's BS since one adult cannot disallow another adult from doing something independently, but at the same time we also know if OP goes against that her husband will probably be upset, and she probably doesn't want to upset him. Which involves a lot of probablies.

I know my fiance felt like the ring was a measure of his manliness/worthiness or whatever. I dunno, I didn't even want a ring (haha, laugh at me now that I've been sucked into PS), but he insisted, and he literally spent five times my initial budget and would have spent a lot more if I hadn't put my foot down and said I wouldn't let him buy me anything more expensive until after we were married. But he was afraid of social judgment or something. I dunno.

In conclusion: boys are dumb. Do what you want.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

You should buy what you want for you right hand and let him get a ring for your left. Best of both worlds

 

[onedrop]

I can't address the "allow" part of your question because DH and I don't really operate that way. However, I will say that maybe you should wait on getting an engagement ring until your DH can save for one. Apparently you all have already talked about your lack of an engagement ring and he said he'd get one for you when he has the money. Since you've already had a talk and he made himself clear about his intentions, I think you buying yourself one instead, disregards his desire to purchase one for you. While you are waiting for him to save, maybe you can buy a nice RHR ring for yourself.

 

[Circe]

Abby, since you say you never got an e-ring from your husband AND you are planning on paying for a new potential ring with money you've saved yourself ... I think I'd skip any issue of permission and just get a RHR. If he decides he wants to get you an e-ring once he realizes how important it is to you, awesome - you get two! But I feel like this is on you in terms of its emotional significance, so ... why not take credit for getting it as a symbol of how well you can take care of yourself, both financially and emotionally?

As for the general question of how to raise the topic of upgrading/getting an anniversary ring - at some point I mentioned a thread about it on here to my husband, and remarked that while I couldn't see myself ever getting rid of my e-ring, I'd be totally down with getting additional bling in the future. Once I saw prices were rising, I mentioned to my husband that sooner would probably be better than later. The rest? Is history.

I will say, though, I was kind of startled to realize that even my unsentimental husband is attached to my original engagement ring - when I was hunting for a reset for this new one, at one point I came across a gorgeous setting that was too small for this stone ... but which would have fit my original nicely. He wanted to preserve it for the memories - and this from a guy who couldn't even see the point of getting our wedding rings engraved! It was sweet - THAT, I'm always down with.

 

[Maisie]

Allow?

My thought exactly!

 

[Circe]

Yeah, Circe, but he is probably insulted/emasculated by the idea that she's given up on him getting her a ring and is going to do it on her own. It's silly, but that's probably how he's feeling and why he's against it. WE know that even if he's using the words "I won't allow it," that's BS since one adult cannot disallow another adult from doing something independently, but at the same time we also know if OP goes against that her husband will probably be upset, and she probably doesn't want to upset him. Which involves a lot of probablies.

I know my fiance felt like the ring was a measure of his manliness/worthiness or whatever. I dunno, I didn't even want a ring (haha, laugh at me now that I've been sucked into PS), but he insisted, and he literally spent five times my initial budget and would have spent a lot more if I hadn't put my foot down and said I wouldn't let him buy me anything more expensive until after we were married. But he was afraid of social judgment or something. I dunno.

In conclusion: boys are dumb. Do what you want.

Heh - crossposted. I see what you're saying, but ... I sort of feel like any guy who'd feel emasculated under these circumstances has sort of done it to himself, y'know? It irks me to no end when dudes use that word as a way to keep their ladies from doing the things they want.

Example: I once had a boyfriend who kept awkwardly joking about how ladies, they all want to get married, amirite? And eventually (we'd been dating for, like, a month - marriage was nowhere on my radar), I just told him that if I wanted to get married, no worries, I'd propose. Man, did he get in a huff about emasculation. But, then, he got in a huff about a lot of things - very insecure, big chip on his shoulder.

Oddly, when I did want to get married, and did propose to my husband, it went over like gangbusters, because he's man enough to never ever ever feel like it's a thing somebody else can take from him by being their own best self. I just feel like that's a thing to encourage whenever possible ....

EDIT: hey, nearsighted Circe just squinted at your av and realized you're the owner of the gorgeous sapphire I just saved to my harddrive. Nice work!

 

[Lottie]

Maybe this is something that he really wants to do for you? If its taking him longer to get there on the savings front than you, it would be pretty frustrating to find out that you didn't want to wait.

Nothing like this ever gets properly resolved without sitting down and both parties being upfront about their expectations and hopes. If he wants to object, then he needs to give you a decent reason as to why and you need to decide whether or not you are willing accept that. Likewise, if he simply wanted to be able to buy you the engagement ring himself, are you going to be willing to hold your nerve and wait?

 

[isaku5]

Hi
How do you all convince your husbands to allow you to upgrade ering even when your paying for it?!
I want a ring! I never got one and i have been saving for ages.
He said he would get me ine when he could save for it, but i want to go all out so i want to buy
It myself.

First of all, this is the 21st century and none of us needs permission to buy what we want and can afford. It works both ways: He doesn't ask me for permission and vice versa. All within reason, of course. I wouldn't blow 20k on an item without at least discussing it with him. I hope he'd do the same for me.

 

[Mrsacornblue]

After 7 years of marriage and 11+ years together, it's not "my" money or "his" money anymore...it's "our money". I have a certain amount of fun money that is budgeted every week, as does DH. If I chose to save that and buy myself a ring, my DH would have no problem with that, just as I would have no problem with him saving his and buying whatever Apple product he wanted. If we were going to allot money toward a certain project like a ring, we'd probably discuss it first since I doubt he'd surprise me with that kind of thing. Honestly, I don't ever think I will upgrade my original diamond but buying additional pieces of jewelry are budgeted in like everything else. We try to have open discussions about big purchases to see if they are in our financial picture and if they are something that one or both of us would enjoy.

 

[Dancing Fire]

"UPGRADE" is the most feared word coming out of the wife's mouth..

 

[Laila619]

I wouldn't have to convince my husband, I'd just tell him what I'm doing and then go out and buy it myself.

 

[Abby12]

Hi guys

By allow i just meant not cause friction and tension. He thinks i should spend the money on other things for us but at same time
Has nor saved much either. Makes me wonder.......

 

[Circe]

By "other things for us," does he mean, like ... paying down your mortgage? Or does he mean a different luxury purchase that he'd enjoy more?

If it's the former, it strikes me as a bit mean, but mean in a reasonable way. If it's that he wants you to splurge on a flat screen tv that he wants but you don't ...

Could I ask two questions? 1), do you guys have a shared economy? Is this money you put aside after you put in for housing, transportation, etc? And, 2), how much were you thinking of spending on a ring? Is it a significant chunk of your shared income?

 

[Lotus99]

Before we were engaged, I think I said something like, "I know you really want that new hot tub, but I think you should buy me an engagement ring first."

Unfortunately, we still haven't gotten a new hot tub, six years later. I still want to buy him one, though.

 

[Enerchi]

I wouldn't have to convince my husband, I'd just tell him what I'm doing and then go out and buy it myself.

Yup! That's what I did! When I went back to work FT and started making a much better income, I still contributed to the household but I casually mentioned, "know what I think I'd like to do - upgrade my solitaire to a 3 stone. Sounds cool, doesn't it?" and then ... like a miracle from the diamond fairy (cuz she IS real, right?), I made it happen.

Must say, tho, I did run it by him as we'd progressed to just about the final deposit on the new design, confirming if he was ok w me spending the money on something only for myself and not the family or household. He said "its your money, do what you want with it".... and then SLAP! - the sound of plastic hitting the jewellery counter!

If he's so hung up on buying you a ring - he can buy you one too! But do it for yourself - there is no rule that says only your DH can buy you jewellry - treat yourself - you're worth it! (and the advertising people at L'Oreal will happily confirm that)

 

[Abby12]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

 

[onedrop]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

Well if this is the case, then I'd probably go ahead and do what I want with my own money. It sounds a bit unreasonable (and maybe hypocritical) to me that your DH would try to put constraints on your "fun" money while he freely spends his own.

 

[Circe]

Well that's not very fair of him, is it.

Does he spend his "fun money" on stuff you both enjoy? Or does he spend it entirely on himself?

If all his cash goes towards, like, vacations to places you both enjoy, I can soooooooooooooort of maybe see his point, even while thinking he is wrong: if he spends it on, like, soon-to-be-obsolete technological toys and stereotypical guy stuff, GLASS HOUSE!

Abby, I think you have every right to use your money on what will make you happy. I say buy yourself a ring - but I still say make it a you-to-you ring, 'cause his attitude here makes calling it an engagement ring a challenge.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I make my own money and spend it accordingly. So does DH. We both have shared money and our own, I think I would laugh in his face if he ever thought I needed his permission to buy something I was funding with my own savings. If it's your money, get what you want!

...and post pics here when you do!

 

[hlmr]

Well that's not very fair of him, is it.

Does he spend his "fun money" on stuff you both enjoy? Or does he spend it entirely on himself?

If all his cash goes towards, like, vacations to places you both enjoy, I can soooooooooooooort of maybe see his point, even while thinking he is wrong: if he spends it on, like, soon-to-be-obsolete technological toys and stereotypical guy stuff, GLASS HOUSE!

Abby, I think you have every right to use your money on what will make you happy. I say buy yourself a ring - but I still say make it a you-to-you ring, 'cause his attitude here makes calling it an engagement ring a challenge.

Indeed!!! Buy yourself the ring you want, because you saved for it, and deserve it! It is a sweet gift from you to you. And both of "you" deserve it!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Hi
How do you all convince your husbands to allow you to upgrade ering even when your paying for it?!
I want a ring! I never got one and i have been saving for ages.
He said he would get me ine when he could save for it, but i want to go all out so i want to buy
It myself.

Those highlighted words don't really come into play in my relationship If I saved for it with my own discretionary money, then I would buy it. Actually, I don't really need to ask with our shared money either (which is most of our money). That's how our relationship works. Yours may be different. Power and money and decision making are big hot button issues in most relationships. I happen to earn more money than my husband which may come into play, too, though I don't think its a major factor.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Dude I wonder this too. My fiance feels like if I get a new ring, I am saying I want a new man. The ring like IS him in his mind. I don't get it. I don't even want to ever get rid of my current ring since it's awesome and perfect, but I can see how in the future for an anniversary I might want another that I can alternate with. But obviously I'm not going to do it if it hurts his feelings tremendously. (And imo Deco that's what OP means when she says "allow," make it so that his feelings are not hurt by "upgrading.")

My husband used to feel this way when we were first married and I first got into diamonds. I suppose what I convinced him of was the fact that my ring is a hobby and not a symbol of anything in particular. That was a long learning process for him, and me in the sense that I had to get clearer in my own communication.

If you want buy bling and enjoy it like many of us here on PS do, then you likely need to separate the emotion and sentiment from the piece of jewelery. And then you need a partner to accept that it really is not his say what you wear, I guess.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I think it is more that he doesnt want me spending the money on something he considers useless.
I doubt he will ever buy me one.
I saved the money from my "extra" that we each get for fun spendIng.
He spends his. That is the difference

Well then perhaps you need to have a talk with hm about how he is being judgemental of you and your choices. It is not his place to tell you something you like and enjoy is "useless". Seems it is never really about the ring when people post things like this