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How did you know when you were done having kids?

dreamer_dachsie

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Dec 16, 2007
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We just had our second child and this issue is on my mind a little. Are we done or will we perhaps have a third child? So many factors come into play of course. For me, finances and stress are the biggest points against having another. In my heart, though, I really feel I would like another child. It makes me really sad to think that this is my last newborn, my last little head pressed to my chest, my last little bottom to pat. When I do all of those things with my newborn son, I can't help but wonder, is this the last time? And it makes me very sad. Does that mean I want another? Or would I feel like that about the last no matter how many kids we have?
 

Pandora II

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This will probably sound a bit weird - and comes from the least superstitious or 'spiritual' person.

Before I met my husband I had a number of serious multiple-year relationships, including 3 where we lived together. I used to ask myself 'is this the one', but in my mind there was always this strange shadowy figure who I could never quite get a good look at. I always had the feeling that it was someone who was waiting for me but I had no idea when or where or how we would meet.

The day I met DH I stopped seeing this figure in my dreams or in my mind and he has never appeared again.

I have the same feeling whenever I have thought about having children - there were always two smaller people in the picture. It's probably for that reason alone that I would say that we probably will have another despite all the very good reasons not to, and our current concious thinking is a definite no. I'll be interested to know what makes it possible...

Dreamer - you get to pat your grandchildren's bottoms... :Up_to_something:
 

DivaDiamond007

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For us, it's my health. I've had 2 traumatic deliveries and other health problems that make pregnancy complicated. We always knew when we got pregnant with our daughter that she'd be the last. I'm often asked if she'd been a boy (our first is a boy) if we'd keep trying until we had a girl and the answer has always been no. Our lives are complete with the two wonderful and beautiful children we have and it's hard to imagine it any other way. I too often find myself thinking that this is the last time I'll hear a little newborn mew, swaddle a teeny bundle and smell that newborn smell. Then reality hits - sleepless nights, colic, poopy diapers, constant spit up - and I feel better ::)
 

somethingshiny

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Jul 22, 2007
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I haven't hit that point yet. DH and I were actively trying for #3 when we found out that Lily's heart issue is a bit more serious than we thought. Our risk for another child with a heart problem goes up substantially. So, we're torn on whether or not to try.
 

packrat

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Dec 12, 2008
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Trapper was hard on me, and mom was only "allowed" to have 2 kids, told a third would kill her and she was fortunate to carry my brother to term so it makes me wonder if we had another if I and the baby would be ok. Finances however, are the biggest factor. Both of us would adore having more kids but I don't want to go on welfare to do it. My brother is getting married and I figure I'll have their babies to play w/and snuggle so long as they don't move before then. And, this is so ridiculous, but *if* something were to happen, a huge flood, a tornado, a fire, the zombie apocalypse, we each would be able to grab one kid and run. I know that's hugely doom and gloom and nuts but..I worry about stuff like that.
 

nfowife

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I always heard "you'll know" when you're done. I didn't believe it. Then I got preggo with #3 and I KNEW I never wanted to be preggo again. I'm enjoying my baby, but definitely feel like our family is complete now. DH is getting snipped next week and I am totally at peace with that.
 

junebug17

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I think you just "know" at some point...I just didn't have any desire or urges to have another child after my second. I just felt at peace with the size of my family. A contributing factor was my husband really didn't want any more kids. If it was really important to him to have another, I probably would have but we were both comfortable with not having any more.
 

charbie

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When I hit 33 weeks this week.

I really hope that when people say after the baby comes you glaze over how uncomfortable pregnancy is, that you will also forget how rough the nb state can be...etc. I haven't had a rough pregnancy, but I am NOT feeling like one of those ladies who is going to be expressing the joys of pregnancy anytime soon! Bc if all this doesn't become a distant memory, I can't guarantee a #2 will come along! Right now im trying to figure out how so many people have opted to go through this a second, third, tenth time! :cheeky:
 

Pandora II

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charbie|1311853337|2978774 said:
When I hit 33 weeks this week.

I really hope that when people say after the baby comes you glaze over how uncomfortable pregnancy is, that you will also forget how rough the nb state can be...etc. I haven't had a rough pregnancy, but I am NOT feeling like one of those ladies who is going to be expressing the joys of pregnancy anytime soon! Bc if all this doesn't become a distant memory, I can't guarantee a #2 will come along! Right now im trying to figure out how so many people have opted to go through this a second, third, tenth time! :cheeky:
You forget...
 

Jennifer W

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When I held the first one. I never really wanted another, I'm fulfilled and happy with my family.

We did think about it and discuss it, but neither of us has any real desire to have more children. I don't think it's something I get through without wanting it really, really badly.

I do long for a newborn occasionally, but I don't think that's the same as really wanting to raise another child. I'm done!

ETA if I'd started having babies in my late teens or early 20s, I would likely have had a dozen. The hormone rush would have had me going for it over and over again. My friend did this - had her first child age 19 and her youngest is now eleven. She and her husband are preparing to move onto the next phase of their lives now. In a grass is always greener sort of way, it looks really nice. :bigsmile:
 

Logan Sapphire

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Sep 5, 2003
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After we adopted our daughter, I decided I didn't want any more children, but DH did. We were starting to explore a 2nd adoption when I got pregnant. I'm very happy he's here and I love him to pieces, but we are most definitely done, mostly due to finances and stress as well. Daycare here is pricey. We pay over $2300 a month for both kids, but we live in the suburbs of DC. If we had them in daycare downtown, it would be way more than that. I can't imagine the expense of a 3rd child, especially daycare-wise.

But more importantly, I know I could not be a good parent to a 3rd child. If I got pregnant again by accident, I would step up and I know I would love him or her, but my limits are at 2 right now. I already feel so torn btwn the two we have, both emotionally and physically, that I can't imagine adding another one to the mix. Obviously many people are much better at juggling multiple kids but that's not us. We're two and through and those two are more than a handful for us!
 

natalina

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Joined
Dec 9, 2008
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WE know for sure that we are done having kids. When I got pregnant with Brooks, I was sad that he would probably be our last pregnancy and baby (we had discussed only having two for years). However, as the pregnancy came close to an end, I was ready to be done with it and move on to the next phase. Now that he is 9 weeks and Ellie is 22 months, my mind set has moved past wanting to have babies and the excitement of pregnancy. I'm so excited to watch them grow into little people, develop interests, start school, etc. In my mind, we are meant to be a 4 person family. I think about family vacations, etc with the two of them and it just seems complete. And in my current sleep-deprived state, I am very eager to be done with the rough newborn nights. My BFF has 3 boys and is due with her 4th child (a girl) in 8 weeks, and I cannot fathom how she did this 3 times and signed up for a 4th- clearly she is tougher than me! I just can't wait to get Brooks sleeping through the night, lose the baby weight, start feeling like 'me' again, start feeling like 'us' again with my DH...
That said, my OB/GYN brought up birth control and the Essure procedure at my 6 week appt. It sounded like a great idea at the time, but the more I think about it, it just sounds so permanent (which it is). And I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that. So many what if's...still trying to figure that out.
 

MustangGal

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Joined
Jun 18, 2004
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2,029
Honostly, I wasn't sure I wanted kid(s) in the first place, so once is enough for me. Seeing some of the cute babies posted makes me a bit nostalgic for the days when kyle was a squishy newborn, but not enough for me to do it again. Financially and mentally I think a second would be a big burned on us, but if it happened we would figure it out I'm sure. I'm also starting to feel a bit too old to start all over, even though I'm only 31!

Natalina, I wanted to get one of the "no more period" procedures done after we decided our fmaily was complete, but since we weren't really sure I got a Mirena for now. Totally love that thing! And it leaves the door open a bit longer if we change our minds or if one of my sisters has issues (which is possible due to some family genetic issues).

Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
Pandora|1311853937|2978775 said:
charbie|1311853337|2978774 said:
When I hit 33 weeks this week.

I really hope that when people say after the baby comes you glaze over how uncomfortable pregnancy is, that you will also forget how rough the nb state can be...etc. I haven't had a rough pregnancy, but I am NOT feeling like one of those ladies who is going to be expressing the joys of pregnancy anytime soon! Bc if all this doesn't become a distant memory, I can't guarantee a #2 will come along! Right now im trying to figure out how so many people have opted to go through this a second, third, tenth time! :cheeky:
You forget...
That, and I think it all comes into perspective a little with time, too. Pregnancy is not *that* bad when you think it is so short and the results last a lifetime ::)

My first pregnancy was horrible the last 4 weeks, and the recovery took 6 months (injured tail bone was the boggest issue). By about 1 year post-partum I was ready to have another, despite the pain and suffering of the pregnancy and recovery. My second pregnancy was much easier and recovery a breeze. So you can't even predict one experience from another anyways!
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
 

MustangGal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 18, 2004
Messages
2,029
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
God I wish daycare expenses would go away! And it's actually pretty cheap where I am compared to other places ($135 a week). Of course I heard our state is pulling the funding for kindergarten, so I'll have to pay for that now too. Then school hours are not the same as work hours, so I'll have to do before or after school care for a few years. It's never ending :blackeye: .
 

dreamer_dachsie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
24,364
MustangGal|1311883258|2979168 said:
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
God I wish daycare expenses would go away! And it's actually pretty cheap where I am compared to other places ($135 a week). Of course I heard our state is pulling the funding for kindergarten, so I'll have to pay for that now too. Then school hours are not the same as work hours, so I'll have to do before or after school care for a few years. It's never ending :blackeye: .
In Quebec they have subsidized child care so it costs parents $5 per day (I think)! Can you imagine? What bugs me about child care costs is that we spent $13k last year, but can only write off $7k on our taxes :angryfire: TOTAL. So next year when we spend almost $20k on child care, still can only claim $7k deduction.

Luckily we have all day kindergarten now. We will just have to figure something out for after school. I know many of the local elementary schools have after school care for a fee. I will have to look into it.
 

Skippy123

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
24,299
I don't think we will have more kids. I just hit my mid 30's and I think I am done; especially since we had twins. I can sort of see myself wanting a girl but sometimes I think retiring and having a little us time would be nice. Also if we wait awhile who knows if we can get preggo? Oh and we would need a bigger house for sure. All stuff we can change (like bigger house, less us time, etc) but I sort of feel we may be done?? So I savor everything, even though I want the colic phase to be done with. lol
 

MustangGal

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Messages
2,029
Dreamer_D|1311884014|2979174 said:
MustangGal|1311883258|2979168 said:
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
God I wish daycare expenses would go away! And it's actually pretty cheap where I am compared to other places ($135 a week). Of course I heard our state is pulling the funding for kindergarten, so I'll have to pay for that now too. Then school hours are not the same as work hours, so I'll have to do before or after school care for a few years. It's never ending :blackeye: .
In Quebec they have subsidized child care so it costs parents $5 per day (I think)! Can you imagine? What bugs me about child care costs is that we spent $13k last year, but can only write off $7k on our taxes :angryfire: TOTAL. So next year when we spend almost $20k on child care, still can only claim $7k deduction.

Luckily we have all day kindergarten now. We will just have to figure something out for after school. I know many of the local elementary schools have after school care for a fee. I will have to look into it.
Don't even get me started on the kindergarten thing. When I got preggo we had all day kinder in my state. It's not that common in the US and I was thinking great! Less child care costs! 3 years later it was reduced to half days and now you either pay for half/full at the school, or go to a private one.

That's crazy that you can only write off $7k. I have a dependent care spending account through my employer that lets me take out $5k per year pre-tax for daycare, and the other $2k goes towards a tax credit. It made a huge difference when I filed taxes for last year. $5k is the max for the pre-tax account though, no matter the number of kids.
 

Pandora II

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Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
We can't write any off at all... ;(

Daycare here is $2k a month in central London for a nursery and around around $1400 for a childminder. Hence why I don't work, I would have to really love my job to want to pretty much pay for the privilege of working,
 

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
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Feb 20, 2008
Messages
1,793
MustangGal|1311883258|2979168 said:
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
God I wish daycare expenses would go away! And it's actually pretty cheap where I am compared to other places ($135 a week). Of course I heard our state is pulling the funding for kindergarten, so I'll have to pay for that now too. Then school hours are not the same as work hours, so I'll have to do before or after school care for a few years. It's never ending :blackeye: .

Mustang -- what state do you live in? This is horrible news!
 

Logan Sapphire

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2003
Messages
2,389
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...

This is true, but for us, we will need before and after care when our kids are in school, as well as summer care. And in our county (suburb of Washington, DC), the public schools offer what is called SACC (school aged child care) but you have to call exactly one year before you need it to get on the waiting list AND you can get in to one and not the other, for example. A friend at daycare's kid will be using it next year when he starts public school and he only got into AM care, not PM, so she is scrambling to find something for the afternoon. And the other sucky thing is that if you're one of the unlucky ones who didn't get PM care, our county elementary schools (not sure about middle or high schools) get out every Monday at 12pm for a teacher half-day.
 

Jennifer W

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Pandora|1311892145|2979294 said:
We can't write any off at all... ;(

Daycare here is $2k a month in central London for a nursery and around around $1400 for a childminder. Hence why I don't work, I would have to really love my job to want to pretty much pay for the privilege of working,

Will you get a free nursery place when Daisy is three, or is that only Scotland? We didn't want to move Amelia to the local nursery so we just get the LA to pay the daycare costs at DH's office. It will be free from the August before her 4th birthday until she starts school, and since she was born in May, she'll get 2 free years.
 

Pandora II

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Messages
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Jennifer W|1311955463|2979789 said:
Pandora|1311892145|2979294 said:
We can't write any off at all... ;(

Daycare here is $2k a month in central London for a nursery and around around $1400 for a childminder. Hence why I don't work, I would have to really love my job to want to pretty much pay for the privilege of working,

Will you get a free nursery place when Daisy is three, or is that only Scotland? We didn't want to move Amelia to the local nursery so we just get the LA to pay the daycare costs at DH's office. It will be free from the August before her 4th birthday until she starts school, and since she was born in May, she'll get 2 free years.
I'll get 15 hours a week for 38 weeks a year when she turns 3...

It's crazy, I would be very in favouring of scrapping child benefit and replacing it with free child-care from age 2.
 

Jennifer W

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I know what you mean. I get child benefit. It seems a little crazy - we both work, we have a very comfortable income, yet I get eighty something pounds per month from the government. Non means-tested benefits are big in Scotland. We get free prescriptions, too. :confused:

We also got tax credits in the first year, because I was on maternity pay and DH was working three days per week. Crazy. They didn't take investment income or savings into account, only earned income.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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Jennifer W|1312057512|2980670 said:
I know what you mean. I get child benefit. It seems a little crazy - we both work, we have a very comfortable income, yet I get eighty something pounds per month from the government. Non means-tested benefits are big in Scotland. We get free prescriptions, too. :confused:

We also got tax credits in the first year, because I was on maternity pay and DH was working three days per week. Crazy. They didn't take investment income or savings into account, only earned income.
Damn not getting that move to Aberdeen... grrrr :angryfire:

I'm okay on prescriptions - I have so many I'm on a prepay so it's £90 a year and all free.
 

qtiekiki

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Joined
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Messages
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After we had our second, people would ask me when are we having the next kid and I would answer we'll see. But lately, I haven't been having baby fever when I see newborn pictures. I look at my life now and I feel completely with my two kids. I wanted another girl for my DD to play with since there's no immediate girl cousins. But they would be 4 or years apart, so they might very well be in different stages of their lives and not be close. The logic of having another baby to try for a girl makes no sense. So as of right now, we are done, though we are not ready to make the permanent fix.
 

MustangGal

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Lanie|1311892646|2979299 said:
MustangGal|1311883258|2979168 said:
Dreamer_D|1311877274|2979086 said:
MustangGal|1311870663|2978992 said:
Dreamer, I'd say give it a little longer, you might know one way or the other once they're a bit older.
hee hee.. don't worry MG, I don't plan to get pregnant again one month post-partume :rodent: And I suspect you are right about it becoming clearer with time.

Lots of people mention the daycare issue, but by the time a third is born, the first is often out of daycare anyways...
God I wish daycare expenses would go away! And it's actually pretty cheap where I am compared to other places ($135 a week). Of course I heard our state is pulling the funding for kindergarten, so I'll have to pay for that now too. Then school hours are not the same as work hours, so I'll have to do before or after school care for a few years. It's never ending :blackeye: .

Mustang -- what state do you live in? This is horrible news!
Arizona. I haven't looked up the new cuts, but I was told they cut the kinder funding by another parent. I just don't want to even know at this point, so I'm burying my head in the sand. I'll deal with it in a few more years, Kyle's only 2.5 now, so they could change things again before he's old enough in 2014.
 

MichelleCarmen

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Dreamer_D|1311801582|2978267 said:
We just had our second child and this issue is on my mind a little. Are we done or will we perhaps have a third child? So many factors come into play of course. For me, finances and stress are the biggest points against having another. In my heart, though, I really feel I would like another child. It makes me really sad to think that this is my last newborn, my last little head pressed to my chest, my last little bottom to pat. When I do all of those things with my newborn son, I can't help but wonder, is this the last time? And it makes me very sad. Does that mean I want another? Or would I feel like that about the last no matter how many kids we have?
We had always planned to have two and so after my second was born, I got an IUD and that was it! We had our little guys and were happy with that. I had pregnancy complications that would/will return if I ever become pregnant again and so if I went/go through a third pregnancy, there's a highly likely chance I'd be giving myself daily injections of insulin. Not wanting to do that. However, even though my IUD stayed in place, I DID become pregnant with #3. I had a paraguard in and my periods were really bad and then one month, it didn't come. It took me a while to realize I was preg since the IUD was still in. I had a miscarriage before we could figure out how to remove the IUD. DH and I were devastated. Even though we were done after my second son was born, we were very sad that we lost a baby that would have been welcomed. So, I guess you never really truely know!

If you're questioning whether you'd be sad if you didn't have another, I'd just wait a few years and see if that is still how you feel *before* resorting to any permanent birth control. Nothing is set in stone for you at this point, right?

(oh, and I've had two pregnancy scares in the last six months! my dh had a vasectomy but now I am wondering if something happened b/c twice now, I've had issues - so heed my warning - if you're absolutely done, be sure both have surgery!)
 

TravelingGal

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Messages
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I always thought I was done. But I KNEW I was done when I had a pregnancy scare back in January, and the thought that I didn't have to keep the baby kept crossing my mind.

Awful thought, but I knew then I was done. Thank god I wasn't pregnant.
 
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