How did you know he was the one?

[Circe]

This is going to sound a bit mystical, but I literally had a dream.

We were both dating other people, but one night I just had this dream where I was wearing a long white dress, and dancing with my best friend, and halfway through, I realized I was dancing at my wedding, and I just felt so happy. And then I shook myself awake, and thought, "Wait, we're just platonic!"

But apparently, my subconscious knew better than I did: six months later when we were both single it took roughly a nanosecond for us to get together, and three months after that, we were engaged.

So interesting! Was the dream prophetic, as well, showing you elements from your actual wedding? Did you have déjà vu on your wedding day?

Heh, no ... we got married on a beach, no dancing, and me in a little dress that ended at the knee. But the overwhelming happiness I felt during the dream? That was there, in spades.

I feel like there's an interesting feedback cycle between dreams and reality - so often, we'll feel like we have this deja vu, that we've seen things before. I don't know if it's self-fulfilling prophecy, where we manufacture the circumstances that will make the things happen, or if it's just the brain filling in the blanks. I have two that I think WERE accurate ... but that's probably just because circumstances then fit the events of the dreams and reinforced their interpretation, and also made me remember those two dreams more than I would any others. Round and round the psyche goes ....

/end threadjack

 

[wildcat03]

I think it depends what those doubts are about. In previous relationships, I had doubts about (1) ability to be a good parent/role model, (2) finances, (3) worldviews...things that are dealbreakers are often value-based. Is he good to you, does he have friends, does he value his family and yours?

Stuff that doesn't count: My SO snoring...it makes me CRAZY! And sometimes I doubt my ability to refrain from pushing him out of bed in the middle of the night BUT my SO tries really hard not to snore and wears a snore-guard thing which really helps. He's that type of guy.

This made me smile. Over the weekend I woke my guy up to ask if he had any earplugs because he was snoring. He said, "It's ok to wake me up if I snore." He fell asleep and started snoring again. I woke him up and said, "I'm hot." He suggested I not use the blanket. I told him that the ROOM was just too hot and the heat needed to be turned down. He got up and did it, and while doing all that WENT OUT TO HIS CAR IN THE FREEZING COLD AND SEARCHED IT FOR EARPLUGS. Best man ever.

 

[Zlata]

This is going to sound a bit mystical, but I literally had a dream.

We were both dating other people, but one night I just had this dream where I was wearing a long white dress, and dancing with my best friend, and halfway through, I realized I was dancing at my wedding, and I just felt so happy. And then I shook myself awake, and thought, "Wait, we're just platonic!"

But apparently, my subconscious knew better than I did: six months later when we were both single it took roughly a nanosecond for us to get together, and three months after that, we were engaged.

So interesting! Was the dream prophetic, as well, showing you elements from your actual wedding? Did you have déjà vu on your wedding day?

Heh, no ... we got married on a beach, no dancing, and me in a little dress that ended at the knee. But the overwhelming happiness I felt during the dream? That was there, in spades.

I feel like there's an interesting feedback cycle between dreams and reality - so often, we'll feel like we have this deja vu, that we've seen things before. I don't know if it's self-fulfilling prophecy, where we manufacture the circumstances that will make the things happen, or if it's just the brain filling in the blanks. I have two that I think WERE accurate ... but that's probably just because circumstances then fit the events of the dreams and reinforced their interpretation, and also made me remember those two dreams more than I would any others. Round and round the psyche goes ....

/end threadjack

Maybe the deepest part of you knew what was to be and the happiness associated with that percolated up into your conscious life via the dream.

I've dreamed of places I've never been and then found myself right. there. The thing is, these places have all been completely mundane. It wasn't as if I dreamed I was at the top of the Eiffel Tower. So, what was the point?

On topic: Yes, I knew as soon as I met my now husband that he was the one. I wasn't looking and, in fact, was planning to move across the country to go to college when we met. It hasn't always been easy but, yes, he's still the one. Best wishes to you, Fly!

 

[marcy]

When he went away for annual training for 2 weeks we both realized we couldn't stand to be away from each other. The rest is history and here we are 22 years later.

 

[rainwood]

Fly, if you're feeling trapped then marriage is not right for you, at least not right now.

In your situation, there are really three questions to ask yourself. The first is the question you asked. The second is whether you could be happy living the rest of your life in the country where he intends to live. The third is whether this is the right time for you to settle down. Even if the answer to the first question is yes, you need to figure out the answers to the other two as well. It sounds like the answers may be no.

 

[Fly]

Thank you Rainwood, I think the questions are exactly the ones that go through my head. The country aspect is hard. I am not that attached to mine but I am attached to my family. I have decided to just forget about the whole engagement/marriage thing right now and focus on being happy and living my life. If we don't survive it and he pressures me on getting engaged than it just wasn't meant to be
I feel a lot more relieved and at peace with everything so thank you everyone for your advice! I will go back to admiring to beautiful pieces of jewelry here.

Fly, if you're feeling trapped then marriage is not right for you, at least not right now.

In your situation, there are really three questions to ask yourself. The first is the question you asked. The second is whether you could be happy living the rest of your life in the country where he intends to live. The third is whether this is the right time for you to settle down. Even if the answer to the first question is yes, you need to figure out the answers to the other two as well. It sounds like the answers may be no.

 

[bluebirrrd]

Hi Fly, I didn't marry my boyfriend until we'd been together 8 years and were in our mid thirties. Certainly not saying that's best, but we both had things we wanted to accomplish first. What made me KNOW I wanted to marry him was the way he stuck by my side through a loved one's illness and death from cancer. From preparing meals, giving baths, managing meds, being up all night, you name it and he was there without hesitation. I will love him forever for it. But we certainly didn't rush, and we did face criticism and questions from family.

 

[Matthews1127]

My DH & I grew up, together. Same neighborhood. Graduated from HS, together. We never dated, or spent much time together, but we had mutual friends. He & I were much different, back then. A relationship would have been doomed to fail.
He came from a good family, but he was a hell raiser & I was a “good girl”. I followed the rules he fought to break, at every turn....just because...lol!
I always felt pulled toward him, in HS. Could never understand why I had such strong feelings for someone who never spent much time with me, and who was clearly unattainable; he was dating his (now) ex-wife.
I believe every soul has a mate, and that we spend lifetimes searching for that one person. I believe he is mine & I am his. It took us 20 years to find each other, after life taught us both valuable lessons. We are more alike than we ever were, before; he’s grown up, and I’ve experienced my fair share of hardships. We both had to love through some of the worst to appreciate the best we ever had....in each other.
I fell in love with him, after I saw him with his children. I fell deeper in love with him, after I saw him with mine. It takes a special person to love children with whom you share no biological connection. He loves my children as much as his own. He is the partner I have wanted my whole life, and I can’t imagine spending forever with anyone else.
No man has ever sacrificed as much for me or my children. No man has been as devoted or committed to me or my children.
There is no doubt I found my life partner; my soul mate.
It wasn’t love at first sight, but it’s real, and lasting.

 

[partgypsy]

Well, there was this guy, who is now my ex (we are now divorced). We were together for 25 years, with the last 7? years being pretty bad. when we first met he felt like "the one". It wasn't even something I had to question. He felt the same way, we just starting being with each other all the time and it felt so natural. We were only seeing each other for a couple months when he invited me to one of his best friend's wedding. It was an awesome road trip, we stayed at his family's house, and sat at the head table with them all. It just felt right.
We are no longer married because he changed as a person. Despite him doing me wrong, rather than being angry, it still feels like a loss for me. I feel more like a widow than a divorcee. Because the person I loved, I lost.

I have been dating someone casually for the last (will be 2 years) this month. It was what I needed during this time. And he's been like a fairy godmother helping me with my house. But deep down I feel we are not on the same page about a lot of things. It doesn't feel natural in the same way I felt with ex, (or even how I feel with good friends). I also don't regret this relationship, but it's not a "forever" relationship.

I still like to hear and see good love stories. They are rare but it is nice to see the happiness and evolution of a long term relationship and love.

One thing to also think about, is that I don't think you should sacrifice yourself for your love. If you are having to give up things that are very important to you (like being away from family); EVEN if you love that person, that may be a deal breaker. There shouldn't be one person in the relationship making the all the sacrifices.

 

[Tekate]

I think there are many 'ones'. I think the 'one' when I was 18 turned out to be the 'last one I would ever want' at 32, I was aware on a level that my exhusband didn't want to marry me, but we were young, dating for 4 years and engaged and our parents were thrilled, Irish/German girl marrying Irish/Italian boy... he's smart, he was funny, and he was screwed up worse than I was. 10 years of a terrible marriage and he left me for a 19 year old, thank god. BUT I still have that love for him that I had at 20, that he was so right for me except that he was a total jerk, mean and unkind etc. My first date with my husband today was exactly 5 days after my ex left, no lie.. back in the 80s I was a hot commodity it seems we married less than 2 years later and have our 2 adult sons today. Was my 2nd husband the 'one'.. not for a long time, till I grew up more and had a life that started out crazy and I felt trapped (pregnant) to today where I love the air my husband breathes, I love his dumbass hat, I love his playing sudoku all day, I love that he loves our sons, I love his love of our new granddaughter. I feel pleased, happy and content and still hot for the old guy but it wasn't like that at first.. I was a bit crazy. No such problem today (ha!).. My long story's point is: for me the ONE turned out not to be, and the one I thought wasn't was... weird. This is an old thread but I thought I would throw my 2cents in