Wedding Houseguests before wedding =/

[Gwyn]

First some backround. FI and I live in a 2bed 2 bath apartment with our two cats in the Los Angeles area. One bedroom is ours the other is crammed full of our computer equiment and misc. We use one bathroom and the other we use for the cats (litterbox in the tub food and water set up near the sink...that kind of thing). We only have one car because I do not work and do not need one.

Enough background. fastforward to wedding time. My family is all from the east coast so there will not be many of them attending my wedding. My mother and step father, grandmother, sister and her husband. My Maid of Honor will also be flying out.

I told my MOH that she could stay with me and FI the night before the rehersal dinner (she is on her own the night before and night of the wedding as FI and I will be staying on location). She is flying out the day after the wedding. A car wouldnt be needed as she would be with me the whole time doing my bidding

My mother calls me up the other day to let me know that she, her husband and my grandmother will be coming out 4 days before the wedding and leaving 2-3 days afterwards. She is graciously getting a hotel room for her and her husband, however, she informed me that my grandmother will be staying at our house for the nights before and after the wedding (not including the nights all of us will be at the inn). I also spoke with my sister and her husband. They will be coming in the day after my mother and also leaving 2-3 days after. Due to having to pay for tickets, they do not feel they should have to pay for a hotel room.

I tried addressing my concerns about this to my mother. Stating that, it will be the last few days until my wedding and the stress of houseguests and catering to peoples living/entertainment needs would be way too much for FI and I. Not to mention 6 people sharing a bathroom/shower in the morning. Also, and here is where I feel kind of bad, I love my grandmother. She is probably my favorite person in the world. But FI gets very worried around old people. Long story short, his grandmother took a very nasty fall when staying at his apartment one time and he still gets very anxious and worried whenever we are around her. I know he will not be able to relax with my grandmother staying with us. This can probably be doable, but what, am i going to have my grandmother on the couch FI and I in bed and then Moh, sister and brother in law on the floor? I would feel pretty bad not giving up my bed to my grandmother. But FI is 6 foot 5. Where is going to sleep comfortably?

Additionally, none of my family thinks they should have to rent a car. Their plan is to stay within walking distance to our apartment (those that are actually getting a hotel)and just spend downtime and meals and such at my apartment. SO... I guess that means cooking for 7-8 people as well. Add on that the week before my wedding i will have to make 3 trips to the airport (gotta love LA traffic, looking at about a hour each way) to pick people up and postpone my honeymoon for them because they want to fly out when they can get a better rate. Add on to that, that FI and I only have one car, so in order to use it, he is going to have to take off 1-2 extra days from work. And, with just one car we dont even have the room to get everyone to the Inn for the rehersal dinner. Let along bring over things like my dress. FIs sister lives nearby and can help get us over there, but, she is not spending the night at the Inn after the wedding so I have no way of getting people back! I try explaining this to my mother...she thinks I should house/get hotel rooms and pay to rent a van or some vehicle to transport them all and then just make schedules of when people are going to need rides and work around that.

So then she says to me "That is the price you pay for having a wedding out there" (meaning LA area). Since when???

I understand that they are family, and I do love them, but sometimes they just drive me crazy. I dont think I would be as annoyed if my sister did not get married just last year. FI and I were financially responsible for our plane tickets, our rental car, and our hotel stays. Not to mention a BM dress, presents ETC. Why am I now expected to cater to her/them?

I guess I am just bothered because I feel like, because my mother is mad I am getting married out here, so she is making a big deal about all this stuff. And treating me like im causing this big inconvenience that I need to cater to everyone because they are doing SOOOO much to come out here. What kills me is that she is all bitter I am getting married out here (where I live) because she is mad she doesnt get to have a big part in planning it and such. What am I going to do, have it out there where she is so I can be the one who cant plan it as much? I mean, seriously... I take pics, send tons of links, I do what I can to keep people out there involved, but, excuse me for wanting to be able to plan my wedding. And wanting to be able to take weekends and go see venus and such. And not try to cram everything into 1-2 visits to the east coast.

Anyway, back to the houseguest thing. Am I being unreasonable? Should I be paying for my sister and her husbands hotel room? A rental car for my family? And if that is what you are "supposed to do" for family as it was so nicely put to me, then why wasnt it done for FI and I? I hate to say it, because its family, but if it is too much of a hassle or you cant afford to go to a wedding then you just shouldnt go! I am also, due to my mothers insistence, having a reception over on the east coast. Since agreeing to do this, the budget for it has doubled =/ I feel like I am being more then accomodating.

 

[violet02]

So my FI's family is from the east coast and my parents live on the east coast. Some of my family lives out on the west coast but overall ALL of our family is going to have to fly in and get hotels/cars for our wedding. There are quite a few family members that are on a tight budget as well. The ones on the tightest budget just aren't coming, which is fine with me because I don't expect people to go broke to get out here. We're also having the same 'guilt' issues with having a wedding out here vs back east particularly when it's pricey for family to get here.

The thing is this is where we live and where our friends are etc etc. It's unreasonable to think you'd just have a wedding where your parents want it. Our families seem to think weddings are all about family but they are forgetting it's about myself and my FI as well, and most importantly so! Anyways we'd rented a house for the wedding and we're putting up (for free, our parents and an aunt and grandmother etc). This kind of sucks for us a bit since the house is pricey but we definitely have the room. There's lot of other family though that have to get hotel rooms.

Aside from that though I TOTALLY sympathize with you about the guilt thing. My FI's parents lay it on so heavily its awful. They want us to feel so bad for having the wedding out here, its really lame. And seriously, you should NOT be paying for anyone's hotel room or car or flights or any of that. You're having a wedding where you live not in some far off destination locale! It's ridiculous for them to expect you to pay for it. What you said is totally true, if you can't afford to go then you shouldn't go... therefore some of our family won't be making it, but I'm not going to feel guilty about that. We're barely getting by just paying for the folks that ARE showing up. Also if your mom wants you to have a reception on the east coast she should host it. That's what we told my FI's folks. You don't owe them a second reception that you have to pay for. If it comes down to it, then have a get together at their house and make it simple and inexpensive, don't host some fancy dinner that you have to foot the bill for.

Also all of those people staying in your house is going to make you crazy. There's got to be a way you can just tell them no, its totally unfair of them to be so pushy when it's your wedding! I know it's not ideal but maybe you can abandon your apartment and stay with a friend and let them stay there and feed themselves.... and do you have any friends that could volunteer for some driving duty to help with the burden?

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this, I totally feel for you! You're NOT being unreasonable, I hope there's a way you can put a stop to all of that.

 

[swingirl]

I understand the dilemma from both sides. But it will be a lot of added stress to entertain house guests while you are busy preparing for your wedding.

Can you look into renting a house for a week where everyone can stay? You have to decide what you can offer and then not be pushed into anything more. A 2 bedroom apartment isn''t guest-friendly. Your guests should provide their own car, food and accommodations unless you offered to cover the expense. They just can''t show up expecting to bunk at your place! And get free food and transportation!

 

[Independent Gal]

I have an idea. Why don''t you guys move out and let them move in. Just get a hotel room for a few nights. Totally worth it.

Another idea: go on craigslist and find them a place. Lots of people rent out their place for a few days when they''re going out of town.

Or a bed and breakfast.

 

[violet02]

Date: 5/27/2008 10:25:28 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I have an idea. Why don''t you guys move out and let them move in. Just get a hotel room for a few nights. Totally worth it.

Another idea: go on craigslist and find them a place. Lots of people rent out their place for a few days when they''re going out of town.

Or a bed and breakfast.

I was thinking the same thing in re: to taking off and even in re: to rent a house but if you''re on a tight budget that may not be that workable for you. I know the house we rented for a week was pretty pricey. I definitely like the idea of the short term sublet, that seems like the cheapest deal, but it can be a hassle to move your stuff out and in somewhere new when you want the comfort of your own home while prepp''ing for a wedding.

 

[Pandora II]

They are being totally ridiculous and very unreasonable.

If you can''t afford to travel to a family wedding then you should just send your regrets.

FBIL got married in the US last year and over 70 of us flew out for the wedding. Lots of us turned it into our summer holiday and a chance to see some other bits of the USA.

I''m presuming you are paying for the wedding yourselves? In which case your mother could at least help your relatives out.

If not, I''d move out and let them all get on with it!

 

[oobiecoo]

I think your family is being ridiculous! Can''t grandma stay with your mom? Sorry if its inconvenient for her buts its even more inconvenient for you. And why are people staying with you AFTER the wedding? That''s not very romantic

If money isn''t a huge concern for you then I''d sent sister to the cheapest hotel in town and pay for it. It may be cheap and not too fancy but at least it won''t be super cramped like at your apartment so they should be grateful. If mom won''t take grandma then send her to stay with sister. You just need to stand firm and tell everyone that its not your job to cater to everyone else''s needs when this wedding is about YOU and your FI.


PS: Is this the same sister that made you pay for your own stuff at her wedding? If so, don''t even bother offering to pay for her hotel unless she is really in a tight spot financially. Tell them to all get one room at Embassy Suites... there is enough space for at least 4 people to sleep AND you get a free breakfast so you won''t have to cook for them.

 

[Sabine]

I agree that it is ridiculous of them, but if your finances permit, I would highly suggest either renting a place for them, or giving them your place and renting a place for you and your FI. Although they are totally out of line, you probably don''t want to deal with the stress of trying to convince them of that, so it might be worth the cost to just get yourself out of there and save your sanity.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 5/27/2008 8:02:34 AM
Author:Gwyn

... So then she says to me ''That is the price you pay for having a wedding out there'' (meaning LA area). Since when???

Hmmm... sounds to me like somebody''s mother might be acting a little passive-aggressive, eh? ((((Gwyn))))

As someone who also lives in LA, I totally understand and agree with you because of my firsthand experiences. Sending the bride to battle the 405 three times in the days before her wedding herself is absurd. Not renting a car when visiting LA is absurd. FIVE people colluding to not rent a car is absurd. Not being able to differentiate between a scenario where, say, the parents choose to host some wedding guests in the unused bedrooms of a 14-room home, and where the bride-to-be has 4 freeloaders thrust upon her in her 1 bedroom/1 office 900 square foot city apartment during the time she''s likely working 18 hour days to get all the final touches in is absurd.

Gwyn, anyone would be stressed and upset in your situation. Your frustration is most certainly reasonable.

How to handle it really comes down to your personal style and circumstances. BTW, are you and your FI paying for both receptions yourself, or is a family member contributing? If someone needs to fill in the gaps by subsidizing transportation or hotel rooms, are you able to afford it but don''t want to, or would it actually be a hardship to do so? Do you have a long history of giving in repeatedly to family pressure, and is this one time just really irking you more because of past history? Since both options have trade-offs, which fits with your style better-- holding firm and having a confrontation about this issue and dealing with the negative ramifications, or accommodating the wishes of others and dealing with those negative ramifications?

f-d-l

P.S. I think IndependentGal''s first idea is deviously brilliant if you have to go the accommodation route. I personally think that staying at the Four Seasons yet leaving instructions for your sister on how to clean the kitty litter while she''s there would be most fair.

 

[Gwyn]

Thanks All. my grandmother will be staying with my parents the night before and night of the wedding. She could probably stay with them after as well. The issue with before hand is that my mother really wants a room with just her and her husband as he will be all cranky from travelling and she doesnt think he could handle a room mate. I could try talking to my grandmother, it isnt really a money issue with the hotel room its more that she will not want to stay by herself, especially in a totally new place.

I spoke to my sister about getting a room with my grandmother. I told her they wouldnt have to pay for it if they roomed with her (my grandmother would pay for half and I would pay for the other). She said no though. they wouldnt be comfortable with that and will now just get their own room. She is older and her and her husband make more money then we do so I dont feel bad. Yes, this is the sister who just got married (I only have one) So, not bad, got it down to just two guests and the car issue and the food.

My MOH said she would rent a car, though I feel bad having her do that because she is the youngest and less established of all of us. Additionally she is just coming out for the wedding and will be with me the whole time so having her rent a car seems a lil silly. She will basicially just be following me and carting around my family. I guess I could pay to rent a car for all my family to drive around it. But I wouldnt be the one driving so I would not want it in my name/insurance or anything like that...we will see.

Maybe I will just tell them all that they are going to have to go in on a car. It wouldnt be more then 200 max.

Still not sure what I am going to do about the whole eating thing. My mother said she would take care ofthe cooking and we would do simple family sized things like roasts and lasagna and such. Im still not thrilled of the idea of everyone being at my apartment for meals and such. mostly because FI and I usually eat out and I feel that now we are both forced to be confined to our place. But things are looking up atleast

That whole getting a hotel room and just leaving our house open does sound nice.... I am soooo glad i got a room the night before the wedding atleast

 

[diamondfan]

I am sorry, but she just announced it and did not ask you if that worked for you? Did not read the whole thread but that is not cool.

You do not need guests at that time, at least not in my view.

You cannot have all those people, one bathroom, no car. NO WAY.

If they cannot afford to get out here and crash in a hotel room that is reasonable, no, they should come and assume they can bunk with YOU. Ridiculous is all I can say.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/27/2008 12:09:42 PM
Author: Pandora II
They are being totally ridiculous and very unreasonable.


If you can''t afford to travel to a family wedding then you should just send your regrets.

Ditto-that''s ridiculous and rude. They need to get hotel rooms-you shouldn''t have to be up to your eyeballs in guests the week before and after your wedding.

It''s seriously insane that your mother is acting like this, in my opinion. They need to rent their own car too. And you will not be cooking for them! You really just need to put your foot down. Can I call your mom and break it down for her? I swear I would if I could. This is just crazy!

 

[princesss]

Glad you got things mostly figured out. I would have suggested Couch Surfing, personally, if they were really so concerned about spending money.

 

[EricaR]

I wanted to throw out a suggestion for a car rental - Priceline. We always use Priceline to rent cars, and every time we are able to get an upgraded car (larger sedan, small SUV, etc) for the price of a sub-compact. You can''t beat getting a super sweet convertible for $11/day.

Of course, grandma might not like the convertible. Better stick with the SUV.