"Honey Do" Lists

[Gypsy]

So I''m a little frustrated and trying to figure out what ''normal'' is.

DF wants me to give him weekly "honey do" lists as he works from home frequently.

It''s not that I have a problem making a list but...

I feel as if I''m his manager or supervisor which makes me crazy.

I just don''t get why he can''t make his own list. I mean... the house is THERE, and if I can figure out what needs to be done-- why can''t he?


WHY are honey do lists necessary?

Is this something the rest of you do?

 

[Lorelei]

Gypsy my Hubby can''t work without lists, especially with all the outside jobs we have, he says they are a necessity! I couldn''t figure it out until I went along with it and saw how motivated it made him. I would do as he suggests, make the lists and see how it works for you as a couple. I have found if I make a list things get done, whereas if I don''t - they don''t!

 

[belle]

i think you are lucky he is asking you what you want done and not trying to guess. quit being frustrated and take advantage of it.

gift...horse...mouth.....

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 5/10/2007 11:28:44 AM
Author: belle
i think you are lucky he is asking you what you want done and not trying to guess. quit being frustrated and take advantage of it.

gift...horse...mouth.....

Gotta say, I totally agree with Belle on this one!

 

[neatfreak]

For us, my FI just has a much higher tolerance for dirt and messes, and honestly doesn''t seem to think things "need" to be done when they really do. He also just isn''t as observant as me, so he often doesn''t notice things. If I tell him that something needs to be done, he''ll happily do it, but unfortunately doesn''t notice on his own.

If he''s asking, TAKE HIM UP ON IT!

 

[FireGoddess]

Ah Gypsy - mine won''t do anything unless I tell him. And even when I leave the list...sometimes it doesn''t get done.

If he''s actually asking for one - it''s a good thing. Not the ideal situation of him just being aware and doing stuff, but at least he''s asking.

 

[sumbride]

I definitely agree it''s a good thing!


My honey has mental paralysis when faced with a large task. We just painted his bathroom last weekend... something he''d wanted to do for a year. It finally came down to me breaking it out for him...

1) pick color
2) test color in lighting of bathroom
3) set aside a day to do it
4) buy paint, tape, drop cloths, brushes, roller, etc... (he had to go back for etc...!)
5) remove fixtures
6) tape bathroom
7) have breakfast
put down dropcloths
9) open can
10) start painting

SERIOUSLY. That was the ONLY way it got done. Every time we got to a part in the process where he had to make a decision he literally FROZE! I said "do you want to take the door off?" He said "I don''t know... do I?" without an ounce of sarcasm.

Now I''m working on my list to put the bathroom back together!!!

MAKE LISTS and be so happy he asked!

 

[Mara]

Gypsy, I'm curious but I thought you guys lived together before?

As for what is 'necessary'...I would say that's something you two need to work out, separate from what 'everyone else' does to make their cohabitation work. Obviously your honey does want some sort of structure or lists, so give it to him. He is not a mind reader so what may be obvious to you may totally fly by him. This is something we learned within the first month of living together, sometimes you need to actually communicate what may be obvious to you.

Giving him what he is asking for, which is him basically asking you to tell him what you want so that you can be pleased which is so wonderful...it can only lead to a more harmonious living situation which benefits all.

 

[decodelighted]

Okay I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD right now ... because *I*, queen of control ... master of my domain ... original owner of this previously lonely house just asked *DH* to tell ME what he'd most appreciate getting done around here while he's at work.

I've been sick for two weeks & he's been doing everything that HAS been getting done and then other stuff's just been building up ... and by the time I felt like I had enough energy to do ANYTHING ... it was so overwhelming. I realized I was having trouble deciding but that REALLY I wanted to do what was bothering HIM or would be valuable to HIM ... payback kinda??? And I couldn't *guess* what he was thinking so I had to ask. The answers were really suprising too, so I'm glad I DID ask.

USUALLY I'm the project planner, fire under the buttocks, work instigator.

 

[Cind11]

I usually never make a honey do list but I guess I''m going to start. My DH says he likes them because once he has completed some task, then he can cross it off and it makes him feel like he has really accomplished something. He likes to see the list get smaller and smaller. So, if that''s the way to get him to do things, I''m all for it.

 

[Gypsy]

OKAY. So clearly, this is a GOOD thing. I have been making the lists, and will continue to do so. Thanks for the reality check and bluntness.


Mara, yes we have... but we both worked out of the home so we always cleaned and did chores together-- or I would call and ask him to do something. Things have changed since moving here. We are in a REALLY freaking small space in comparision and it''s really creating some tension. So he asked me for written (emailed) lists.

I think that it does give him a sense of accomplishment.

Plus, I''ve probably mentioned it before that he has time management issues... and they''ve really come to a head as he is at home so much more... so that''s complicating things.

But after all this time togther I guess I expect him to be self sufficient in terms of knowing what makes the household run.

Even when you''ve been together for years... I guess relationships go through different phases and adjustments.

Actually our eight year anniversary is coming up June 22nd.

 

[decodelighted]

Gyp .. have you ever worked *from* home? For a long period of time? I ask because it ***** WITH YOU!!! I''ve been freelancing for over 10 years now and it is SO different than when I "went" to work everyday. I accomplish SO MUCH MORE when I''m working on a project OUT of the house (strange I know). Just the coming & going & being able to pick up stuff on the way kinda focuses you & gets plans in place organically. Starting from scratch -- motivating from nowheresville with seemingly unlimited time & waning energy is HARD!!!

I''m probably defensive because I need to manage my own time better & get more accomplished while I *am* at home ... I just *sigh* empathize with his plight.

 

[Gypsy]

I never have Deco. I know I wouldn't do well with it either. He is fortunately working on getting into an office 3 days a week, so it will be much better when he does-- for both of us. Until then....

I have to be more patient and understanding. I'm working on it. And it helps to post here for reality checks. Because I do lose sight and you guys are great about giving me a quick kick to the shins when I'm out of line. THANK YOU ALL.

This transition has been difficult and is really putting a strain on our relationship, unfortunately.

We're going to be going for couples counseling fairly soon to help too.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/10/2007 1:25:43 PM
Author: Gypsy
This transition has been difficult and is really putting a strain on our relationship, unfortunately.

We''re going to be going for couples counseling fairly soon to help too.

Sounds like its situational stuff & that you''re doing all the right things about it! A cross-country move is no picnic!! WHATEVER you can do to make things easier & more livable & more tolerable until the dust finally settles -- do it!

*HUGS*

 

[scarleta]

Gypsy just count your blessings and hope he will never change.He is very sweet to ask you for the list.Most of us keep writing and no one wants to do it.You are correct he can''t really see what needs to be done around the house, the way you see it. You are a very lucky lady...You will help him out and not manage his life really.
He is just aking you for help , his list would be totally different and not prioritized properly.Just have a list ready at all times and he can do whatever he wishes from the list.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 5/10/2007 11:23:33 AM
Author:Gypsy
So I'm a little frustrated and trying to figure out what 'normal' is.

DF wants me to give him weekly 'honey do' lists as he works from home frequently.

It's not that I have a problem making a list but...

I feel as if I'm his manager or supervisor which makes me crazy.

I just don't get why he can't make his own list. I mean... the house is THERE, and if I can figure out what needs to be done-- why can't he?


WHY are honey do lists necessary?

Is this something the rest of you do?

Gypsy - I had PRECISELY the same issue when I began living with (now) hubby......

I was thinking, 'ok, you're HOW old? You can't look around yourself and see that x needs to be done or Y does?'

The answer is NO, he can't. When he looks around, he doesn't see what I see. It's a guy/gal thing.

I think that guys feel a sense of being able to please us by checking things off on a list, and seriously? If that's what makes things work, I'm game. I wish *all* things had such an easy solution.

As other's mentioned, he's not you. He doesn't see things as you do. And, he not a mind-reader. He feels better about getting some direction, so give it to him. You'll both be happier.

I asked him once why he needed the list, and his reply was right on with what Cind said above - he likes to cross things off and feel a sense of accomplishing something.

 

[Ellen]

Date: 5/10/2007 11:28:44 AM
Author: belle
i think you are lucky he is asking you what you want done and not trying to guess. quit being frustrated and take advantage of it.

gift...horse...mouth.....

NO KIDDING!

I read that he wanted a list and I was like, And the problem is???

I''ll help you if ya need any.

 

[kcoursolle]

I think you should just feel *very* lucky that he is willing and volunteering to do work LOL!!!!! I think you have a keeper!

There is no normal, so I would just put on the list about half of what needs to get done and I''d do the other half myself.

If he has preferences (i.e. hates vacuuming, but doesn''t mind doing dishes...) I''d keep in mind that sort of thing. At the bottom of the list, I''d write a big smiley and thank you so that he feels appreciated! This seems to be really important for guys doing chores, it always makes it easier to get my fi to do it the next time if he had such a positive response from me the first time...I know this sounds silly.

 

[Gypsy]

Aljd: " I was thinking, ''ok, you''re HOW old? You can''t look around yourself and see that x needs to be done or Y does?''"

That''s exactly it. LOL.

But we met for lunch today-- and with all of you crowding about in my head, I took a deep breath and ASKED him why he needed the list.

And just like everyone said, He just doesn''t see things the way I do.

He said, " For example: You asked me to clean up the patio and set up the new grill in it''s more permanent position, and I know that it needs to be done. But it wasn''t bothering me and I figured I''d just get to it one of these days. Now I know it''s bothering you... so I''ll do it this week. Probably today."

He said that he thinks of it as doing something nice for me... and it makes the chore go faster.

And he likes the list because it gives him something to cross off.

I thank you ladies, and my DF thanks you too.

Kc--- the positive reinforcement is a good point. I will work on that too!


I still don''t completely get it. How can the patio NOT bother you to the point that you get twitchy just looking at it?

And the ''I think of it as doing something nice for you" thing just doesn''t make ANY sense to me. I don''t clean the tiolet for him... I just do it.

But whatever-- as long as it gets done, on time and it doesn''t result in a fight.

Gift... horse... mouth.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 5/10/2007 11:28:44 AM
Author: belle
i think you are lucky he is asking you what you want done and not trying to guess. quit being frustrated and take advantage of it.


gift...horse...mouth.....

Oh I agree 100%! Send him my way if you don''t need him

 

[rainbowtrout]

If it works, it works, right? If it gets done when you make a list, maybe he has issues being a grown-up, maybe not, but like you said, if the job gets done....it don't matter so much!

The move must have been a doozy for both of you.

 

[Gypsy]

I just didn't realize what a huge transition it would be. I was really short sighted.

We own our house in NJ. It has three bedrooms. A huge basement. And a yard.

The move itself was really expensive. And when it just got down to it, we decided to throw out or donate most of our furniture instead of paying thousands to have it moved.

DF did all the packing himself. Which ... as sumbride has noted, was a huge overwhelming job and I didn't give him detailed enough instructions for it. So none if was packed as I would have done.

Plus, aside from the specific furniture and stuff that I asked him to throw out, he didn't toss ANYTHING.

When we drove cross country we got stuck in the midwest due to storms so we didn't have anytime to settle in before I had to return to work .SO Df unloaded and unpacked as well as he could.

But for the most part if it wasn't vital it got stuck in storage.

And our place is tiny. 760 square feet (and we're paying more for rent than we pay for my mortgage back east).

So when I pull things out of storage to organize it, purge it, and re-store it... it makes the ENTIRE apartment look like a sty.

Then...

The geographical disorientation aside, we have no social life outside of my family. SO we spend TOO much time together.

His job was uprooted, and now he working at two different jobs here trying to figure out which one will be best for the market/culture out here. And he has no guy friends for downtime.

It's all really stressful, and frustrating and unsettled. And sometimes I just want to sit around and throw myself a pity party.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''m the one who recieves these lists, and can I say I do not like them!!!!

Hubby writes me these notes in the morning, please do this and that. HA!!! I am going to have to write some lists for HIM!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/10/2007 4:41:57 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I''m the one who recieves these lists, and can I say I do not like them!!!!

Hubby writes me these notes in the morning, please do this and that. HA!!! I am going to have to write some lists for HIM!!!

LOL. I guess you don''t ask for them then?

What kinda lists you gonna write for him Kaleigh?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 5/10/2007 4:46:12 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 5/10/2007 4:41:57 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I'm the one who recieves these lists, and can I say I do not like them!!!!

Hubby writes me these notes in the morning, please do this and that. HA!!! I am going to have to write some lists for HIM!!!

LOL. I guess you don't ask for them then?

What kinda lists you gonna write for him Kaleigh?

I'm thinking!! I do most of the work around here. He's sooooo not the handy man type. I am good at fixing things. I'll come up with something!!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Totally OT but Cind, I LOVE the picture of your kitten. He''s ADORABLE!!!

I like cap''s today...

Oh and I''m totally going to try the honey ''do list tonight!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I don''t make honey do lists *enough*. Men aren''t mind readers and their priorities are not our own, I would be super grateful that he WANTS to be busy and I''d give him things to do!! My husband is so swamped he rarely has time to even LOOK at the growing list of things for him to do let alone be able to check any of them off.... marriage is a partnership and while you aren''t there to manage him, he is seeking your input and I''d be happy to give it to him. I could go on and on, but I''ll spare you

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 5/10/2007 5:00:36 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Totally OT but Cind, I LOVE the picture of your kitten. He''s ADORABLE!!!

I like cap''s today...

Oh and I''m totally going to try the honey ''do list tonight!

I was going to say the same thing? Is that a burmese? what breed?

 

[Cind11]

Date: 5/10/2007 5:00:36 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Totally OT but Cind, I LOVE the picture of your kitten. He''s ADORABLE!!!

I like cap''s today...

Oh and I''m totally going to try the honey ''do list tonight!

Thanks for the compliment about Oliver. He is not a kitten anymore though. He just turned four years old but is still kittenish in behavior.

 

[bujiatang]

I love Honey do lists. However, we use my in-laws version of a HD list: it should be a list of things that in addition to whatever else the other is going to do might also be done. The whole list is not expected to be finished (something I didn''t know until around christmas last year).

Because my weekend and my wife''s weekend to not line up exactly (I have saturday afternoon, sunday, monday; she has Saturday, Sunday) we have some personal time to run around and do errands. I usually end up at a bike shop in Minneapolis (Hiawatha Cyclery) b/c the owner likes to talk. I pay more in taxes in Minneapolis, but the occasional purchase is worth the company and the honesty. But I am also expected to clean half the apartment, and will usually have two or three places to go that Shannon wants taken care of. enough for a relaxed day, and if I hit two out of three, I''m doing well.

And so far as cleaning, Shannon and I have different peeves. I am OC about dishes. I see them as dirty/washed/clean. Washed being ontologically different from clean. So I will clean the hell out of them. She can''t stand a messy desk. I am more tolerant of a messy desk. I like it clear, but she keeps it clean.

to say it briefly: the list alerts the other to something else that needs doing that may be less of a priority to the other.