Homesick

[larussel03]

I''ve been really grouchy lately and it took me a long time to really figure out what it is...I''m so freaking homesick. I moved to Ann Arbor because my fiance is in graduate school here, and it''s the best program for what he does, pretty much in the country. So we''ll be here for at least for 5 years. And I''ve been lucky, I found a job (even though I don''t love it, but at least I have a job), and I''ve made friends really quickly here.

But...I miss my friends from home/college and my brother so much. I''ve seen my parents intermittantly actually, and I do miss them, but I really miss my friends so much. Especially my best friend from high school. I have 4 super close friends that I keep in touch with on a dailiy (email) and few weekly phone call basis each, but I just miss being with them so much and I just get so sad because I miss hanging out with them, late night chats/sleepovers, going out together and just hanging in, watching movies and doing nothing together. I mean my best friend/MOH texted me today saying how fun it will be when I come home to grab some cigars and a bottle of wine and pretend to be cool (granted neither she nor I smoke, I think it was just a funny idea she got in her head), but it''s just hard not being able to get in the car and drive and see them whenever I want like I could when I was living in Boston. FI and my apartment was awful, but it was so fun living togehter in close proximity to both of our friends and getting together with everyone whenever we wanted.

And I feel like I''m missing so much of my younger brother''s life...granted he''s only a year and a half younger than me, but he just got a job as a police officer (after 2 years as a corrections officer) and he has a serious girlfriend and all these BIG things that I am not a part of b/c I''m far away.

For anyone who moved away for a prologned period of time -- when did the homesickness really set in? What did you do about it? When did it go away?

 

[Skippy123]

Oh SP, I don't have very good advice; I just wanted to say I was sorry.

 

[gailrmv]

I have moved across several states twice in my life - once for college, and once for DH''s job. Both times it took about 1 year to feel pretty settled in and 1 additional year to feel like it was "home." It is easy for me to make acquaintances but it takes a long time for them to feel like real friends. I am still close with 2 people from place 1 (hometown) and 5 people from place 2 (college town) but it takes a lot of work. People tend to forget about you after you''ve lived away for YEARS so it takes a lot of effort to keep up a close relationship. However by the time this happens, you are usually well settled in to the new place and have new close friends. Not that they replace the old, but they fill in that void that you feel when you have just moved there. For me, both times I was not sure how long I would be staying but I knew it would be a few years at least so I made an effort to really immerse myself in the new place. If it had only been a year or two and I knew I would be going back, I might have made less effort to establish myself in the new place. How long will you be in Ann Arbor? Hopefully after the winter is over, it will be more fun to be out and about and easier to meet new people. For me the best way to meet people is either thru work, thru DH''s work (my 2 best girlfriends now are wives of DH''s colleagues), neighbors, and through activities such as an art class, the gym, etc. I would try and join some things and meet as many people as you can and pursue friendships with the people that you seem to click with. Also, being a university town, there are probably lots of people moving in and out of town so it is probably fairly easy to meet new people! Hope this helps a little...

 

[poptart]

Sweetpea, I am sorry you are feeling so homesick. It''s terrible, I know. When DH got stationed in VA I moved 2500 miles away from home so that we could be together. I had just finished my first year of college at home, and had never been away from my family in my life. And just to top it off, DH wasn''t around as much as either of us would have liked because he worked awful and long hours. The only good thing was that I was in a dorm so was forced to talk with people. I missed my friends and family terribly, but never really wanted to move back because that would have meant leaving DH behind, and I could never do that. I am not sure exactly what advice to give you other than to get out there and talk to as many people that you can. The friends I made at college here are much more solid than the friendships from my hometown, so in that respect it turned out better that I moved. Another thing is to get out and see what your city has to offer. You and your fiance could go out on weekends and explore. DH and I did this and it was a lot of fun. Try to think of some good things about the place where you are living now, so you don''t dwell so much on comparing your old home to your new one (I did a LOT of comparing and it doesn''t help). This goes away eventually, I promise. DH and I have been out here now for about two years and we are going to stay for a few more years by choice. I miss my family still, but you learn to enjoy the time you have together even more. It will get better soon! Best of luck!

*M*

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Once the drive is over 8 hours I don''t think it matters how far away you are (in the usa) it is far! I can totally relate to feeling homesick. I am really close to my family and feel so far from them. This past year I went home so often b/c of the wedding so I kind of got used to seeing my family every 6 weeks or so. Now we are down to 2-3 times a year. My sister still lives in the same city so it is hard when she or my mom tell me about their plans together. Or when I am sick or when we talk about having a family. My brother is going to school in Canada so I see him even less! I just remind myself that I moved away b/c I wanted to and cannot expect them to follow me. Luckily we see his parents about 4-5 times a year so that helps.

 

[lumpkin]

I''m sorry Sweetpea. Being homesick is hard. I have no words of wisdom, just a big cyber hug.....

 

[Rosebud8506]

Oh Sweetpea, I''m sorry you are feeling homesick

. I think it might be this cold weather!!! No, but seriously, I know how you feel. I am from MI and I moved to Dallas after I graduated from Michigan State to be with my DH (bf at the time) and I lived in TX for not even a year, and I was awful homesick. People in TX were so nice and friendly and I loved the weather, but it was my family and my friends that I missed the most. Have you gone back home since you have moved? I went home just once for a long weekend and it definetly helped me. It''s good that you have made some friends here, but I know what you mean, you feel like you are missing out on things at home. You will be where in 5 years after your FI is done with school? That would be a good thing to keep in mind also, that its not forever.

 

[larussel03]

Thank you, Skippy, Gail, Poptart, Tacori, Lumpkin and Rosebud for the words of support. I''m from Boston and moved to Ann Arbor in September, and we''ll be here for probably 5 to 6 years. I''d never left MA before (grew up there, went to college there, all my friends settled down in the area), so moving away from everyone was really hard, considering that the furthest any of our friends has moved was Manhatten, which is only a 4 hour drive away.

I''m lucky that I''ve made friends here, (Blenheim and Shortblond included!) but it''s hard to not have the friends who I was close with for at least 4 or 5 years at the shortest period of time (12 years for the longest one). We used to go out all the time, I was living in Boston right on the T line, and could meet up with anyone, anytime. We''d get dinner or drinks after work, or I''d meet up to go shopping with them later. One of my best friends lived barely over a mile away and another about 3 miles away and on my train route to and from work, so I guess I got spoiled seeing them all the time.

The other hard thing is not loving my job. There, they act like it''s a bad thing that I''m younger....which is wierd to me b/c back when I worked in Boston, there were lots of people my age, TONS actually starting out in biotech/research and we were never ever treated as being "young" ... it almost feels deragatory (sp) when someone calls me that here b/c it was never a disadvantage before. Eveyone at my work has at least 10 years experience and their own families, and it''s almsot sickening how LITTLE they expect of me, or how little they think I''m capable of. They''re suprised when I finish a simple task quickly...it just boggles my mind. I just come from an environment where so MUCH was expected of me, and I thrived in that environment, but at my current position they treat me like some inexperienced uneducated person or something and do not give me enough work to do, and I have to go around asking for more work on a daily basis, which is just weird to me b/c I used to always know what the "next step" was. I was also throwing myself a pity party b/c had I still been livign in boston and working where I was, I would have been promoted at this point (I had it tentatively, but my big boss had to wait to see if I''d be living here, and since I was moving it went to my very- qualified coworker who deserved it as well) and I''d be aiding in writing a very important section in a prominant scientific article and going on business trips to do presentations on our work and taking part in important conversations and meetings, where as now I basically run around asking for work to do rather than understanding the next step, and the work is boring and unfulfilling for me.

Alright, no more complaining, I''ve done enough for the past couple days to last a lifetime. I usually am not a complainer, sometimes circumstances can just get you down though. I''m very happy living here with my FI and there are TONS of things that are better bout Ann Arbor than where we were before, (safer, cute little town, good resturants and shops, its cheaper to live here) but I just miss my friends and having a job that I felt could go somewhere.

 

[lumpkin]

Not loving your job cannot help at all. I know nothing about the biotech industry in Ann Arbor (or anywhere else, LOL!) but since you are ready and able to handle more responsibility, maybe there''s something better out there for you! Somewhere that has younger people you could make friends with, too???

I''m glad you are feeling a little better.

 

[kcoursolle]

I can really relate to your situation. Actually, from the perspective of your fi. I moved from the midwest to LA to work on my doctorate and fi followed me about a year later. My first year, frankly, was terrible. There was a lot of adjustment, losing my friends, starting graduate school (kind of like a new job I guess), being far away from my family, etc. To be honest...it took a really really long time to get settled in. I'm finally now starting to accept my place here within my profession and socially as well. It's tough relocating!!! It's going to take some time. Meanwhile, maybe you can visit home every month or two until things get better. I try to go home whenever I have an opportunity or the $$. Also, staying busy through exercise or hobbies or attempting to make new friends really helps keep my mind off of the adjustment.

I'm young for what I do as well (fi in his field too, engineering), and finally people are over it!!!! It took about a year of proving myself, but now my age doesn't seem to be a factor anymore. Hopefully the same will happen with you as well as you are there for a little longer. Unfortunately though, it is nice to have other young people around to hang out with though. If you are still there in a year and you still don't enjoy it or feel it's your place, then you might want to consider seeing what other types of jobs are out there and finding a good fit for you perhaps with more younger workers.

Good luck, hang in there!

 

[Maisie]

I''m sorry you are so homesick. Its really awful. My ex husband was in the British Army and we had to move to Germany. My sister was also with us so it wasn''t too bad, but halfway through the posting she moved back to the UK. I was really upset and lonely as I hadn''t really tried to make any friends while she was there.

It took me about a year to get to know other people. I am quite shy. My husband was sent away to Bosnia for 6 months so I had to form support networks and make friends in general. I suppose I was thrown in at the deep end when my sis went home but it worked out ok. I now live near my parents again but to be honest I am so independant now I don''t really rely on them.

I hope you settle soon, it isn''t nice to feel so unhappy.

Maisie

 

[justjulia]

I feel for you- I''m watching my brother suffer the same way. He moved to VA with his new wife about 5 yrs ago and is really homesick for GA. He is in a high tech field and that is where the job of his dreams was. They are trying to move down here, and it is finally looking like it might happen this year. In the meantime, he comes when he can and has constantly tried to get me to buy into video phoning (which I just hate) (Think Jetson''s mask scene--anyone relate? Plus the technology isn''t that great with jumpy pics, etc). Over the yrs, they have come to love where they live-always talking about wonderful bed and breakfasts, restaurants, proximity to great day trips, etc. I''m actually jealous of all of his adventures. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there!

 

[KimberlyH]

I can totally relate, Sweatpea. I moved from Sacramento to San Diego to see if my now husband and I could survive in a non-LD relationship (we dated a year before I moved). 2 years later and I still haven''t quite adjusted. I have yet to meet friends that come even close to those I left behind. I miss them frequently and do keep in touch. I think as life gets more settled and DH and I make couples friends I''ll settle in a bit more; that''s no easy feat as my job is transient (I am a substitute teacher and go to school online) and DH works for himself. I have no words of wisdom as I haven''t settled into my new home in all ways either, just wanted to share as I can relate and sympathize.