home from vacation... everyone asking if we''re engaged (we''re not)

[Little Monster]

Hey everyone,

I haven''t posted much on here - when I do it''s typically in Diamond Hangout. But right now I''m a little frustrated & a little upset so I thought venting to other LIW might help!

Most of the time I try not to think about getting engaged or weddings that much, but focus on being happy with how things are. It works most of the time. I''ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, have been living together for 3 months now. But, we just got back from a vacation in Cozumel and it seems like everyone I see is asking "are you engaged now?" It''s driving me crazy. I knew he wasn''t going to propose during the trip (though some ridiculously optimistic part of me hoped he was hiding something nice & shiny for me in his carry-on bag). It''s not like this was some big disappointment or let-down. It''s just that it was an amazingly romantic & wonderful trip... too many people have seen it as the perfect opportunity to propose... and have the balls to ask about it!

A little more about us? I''m 26 & my BF is 33. Me moving into his house (now our house) was a huge step for both of us. I had lived with someone before, but this was the 1st time for him. He only had one other long-term girlfriend & that ended fairly amicably, so no awful history there.

My BF loves me. I know that. He''s not going anywhere; he''s sweet as can be, makes me feel like a princess sometimes, and makes me incredibly happy. Living together has been amazing... we''re getting along really well so most of the time I can just say to myself ''you''re happy... why mess with that?'' But part of me wants so badly for him to propose & for us to get married. A lot of our friends are at that point but he doesn''t like being pressured about it (even talking about a friend''s engagement seems to get him stressed a bit).

I don''t want to push & am not going anywhere either. It''s just that this is something that drifts to the front of my thoughts fairly often & I''m just not sure how to make it stop. I need to simply enjoy being with him & not worry about it so much. He takes a while to get used to anything new (serious creature of habit) & takes forever deciding anything (from what kind of yogurt to buy, the new color paint for the bathroom, to having me move in

)... so I shouldn''t be surprised!

So what do I do to make it feel any better? I''m guessing we won''t get engaged for another 6-12 months at least... though I really don''t know. It''s not like I''m setting a deadline in my mind, or am even really upset -- I''m just to the point where it would make me SO happy to marry him & I know it''s just not quite there. What have you guys done to cope? Any strategies you''d like to pass on? I don''t want to keep bringing it up because I don''t want to rush him & I feel like talking about it with any of my friends or family just gets them asking me if he proposed yet every time I talk to them, which certainly doesn''t help

Any advice would be appreciated... seems like the grass on the engaged side of the fence is greener... how do I remind myself that my side of the fence is still amazing as long as my BF is there loving me & I''m loving him back?

 

[jcarlylew]

*hug*
no great advice other than the usual "keep your head up, count your blessing" blah blah blah. they never really do work, do they?

so, instead *hug*
becuase i have been there (i am sure we all have).

 

[trillionaire]

You two just moved in together, so it will be good to give it some time for things to settle in. I do think that after 2 yrs, your boyfriend should be willing to have a conversation with you about engagement, so I would definitely think about when and how you would like to do so, but let him know it is not about pressure, just being on the same page. Maybe get a book on questions for couples, which can feel more neutral and less pointed than just having a conversation specifically to ask about engagement/marriage.

I don''t really have more helpful advice. I totally understand where you are coming from, as my SIXTH anniversary is coming up in September. I have a family reunion this weekend, and my SO is coming. He was lamenting that he is going to be harassed and barraged by my family about when we are getting married... and I told him, "Sorry buddy! You bring it on yourself, and I don''t feel bad for you!"

 

[LitigatorChick]

My BF gets harrassed every time he sees his mother about the proposal, and we have only been together 3 1/2 months!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 7/15/2009 12:42:07 AM
Author: jcarlylew
so, instead *hug*
becuase i have been there (i am sure we all have).

Ditto!

**hugs to you**

 

[misskitty]

Date: 7/15/2009 11:36:19 AM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 7/15/2009 12:42:07 AM

Author: jcarlylew

so, instead *hug*

becuase i have been there (i am sure we all have).

Ditto!


**hugs to you**

Yep. Big hugs, lady.

 

[marlie]

hi there...
i hear ya. i was with FI for 12 years before he proposed. i went completely insane over the last year leading up to it...and the last few months i''m not sure i carried on a conversation that didn''t mention something about engagement. i completely understand how you feel. just know that it will happen one day and it''ll be amazing. i didn''t think so at the time but i think anticipating the proposal was part of the fun. i also think it can''t hurt to have a casual conversation with bf to see what he''s thinking. some reassurance that it''s in the cards never hurt!

 

[Still_Waiting]

{{{HUGS}}}

We''ll soon hit the official 3-year mark and I''m going crazy. I''ve tried to back off the topic a bit, but I think it really is time for him to give me a straight answer as far as WHEN this thing will be happening.

Of course, every relationship is different, but at 2-years (I''d been living with him for a year at that point) we both proclaimed our desire to marry and joked about being "pre-engaged"...not so funny anymore since there''s no sign of a ring

...but I''d think by this point you guys should be able to have a pretty serious discussion about your future together.

Good luck!!!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/15/2009 1:46:01 PM
Author: marlie
hi there...

i hear ya. i was with FI for 12 years before he proposed. i went completely insane over the last year leading up to it...and the last few months i''m not sure i carried on a conversation that didn''t mention something about engagement. i completely understand how you feel. just know that it will happen one day and it''ll be amazing. i didn''t think so at the time but i think anticipating the proposal was part of the fun. i also think it can''t hurt to have a casual conversation with bf to see what he''s thinking. some reassurance that it''s in the cards never hurt!

Maybe I will have a different perspective when I am on the other side, but I personally think that these protracted engagement situations are pretty unhealthy and can be very destructive to a relationship. I can''t understand why any man would knowingly keep his GF in a tortured state for months or years. I think it borders on selfish and cruel.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 7/15/2009 10:08:05 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 7/15/2009 1:46:01 PM
Author: marlie
hi there...

i hear ya. i was with FI for 12 years before he proposed. i went completely insane over the last year leading up to it...and the last few months i''m not sure i carried on a conversation that didn''t mention something about engagement. i completely understand how you feel. just know that it will happen one day and it''ll be amazing. i didn''t think so at the time but i think anticipating the proposal was part of the fun. i also think it can''t hurt to have a casual conversation with bf to see what he''s thinking. some reassurance that it''s in the cards never hurt!

Maybe I will have a different perspective when I am on the other side, but I personally think that these protracted engagement situations are pretty unhealthy and can be very destructive to a relationship. I can''t understand why any man would knowingly keep his GF in a tortured state for months or years. I think it borders on selfish and cruel.

I have to agree trillionaire. My FF knows I can''t handle waiting and that I''m trying hard to be patient so he tells me as much as he can without completely ruining the suprise. I know he''s picking up the ring by Friday and I''m confident he won''t hold on to it long. A protracted engagement period would drive me nuts and probably destroy a relationship for me.

 

[marlie]

I see what you mean trillionaire and treasure. just sort of explaining my experience in case it helped. everyone''s situation is different and my FI is definitely not selfish or cruel despite how long we waited. he wasn''t trying to torture me, it just was what it was. i never doubted his feelings for me and all that anticipation made our engagement that much more special to me.

basically, the point of my post was to say that yes, it''s sooooo hard to wait things out but at the same time, i sort of miss the excitement of wondering when and how it would happen. that was kind of a fun part too. again, i didn''t think to at the time but hindsight is 20/20, right?

again, this is all just my experience and my perspective so take it for what it''s worth. i wish you all the best and can''t wait to hear all your engagement stories!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/16/2009 9:42:31 AM
Author: marlie
I see what you mean trillionaire and treasure. just sort of explaining my experience in case it helped. everyone''s situation is different and my FI is definitely not selfish or cruel despite how long we waited. he wasn''t trying to torture me, it just was what it was. i never doubted his feelings for me and all that anticipation made our engagement that much more special to me.


basically, the point of my post was to say that yes, it''s sooooo hard to wait things out but at the same time, i sort of miss the excitement of wondering when and how it would happen. that was kind of a fun part too. again, i didn''t think to at the time but hindsight is 20/20, right?


again, this is all just my experience and my perspective so take it for what it''s worth. i wish you all the best and can''t wait to hear all your engagement stories!

Marlie,

I am so sorry, I did not in any way mean to imply anything about your boyfriend! I should have been more clear! I merely meant that generally speaking, I don''t think that it is good or healthy for men to stretch that part of the process out. I''ve spent a lot of time on LIW and around women in real life, and ''the waiting game'' takes perfectly healthy, normal, rational women and makes them into basket cases and lunatics. For those people who end up engaged, they can laugh about the experience, but other relationships crumble under the stress of it.

A lot of people say that the wedding is about the bride, so the engagement is about the guy, but I personally feel that BOTH things are about BOTH people, so both things should be balanced and fair, and subject to compromise.

Just my .02!

And congrats to you and yours Marlie... Your patience in waiting for your engagement is surely an inspiration to all of us crazy LIW''s!!!

 

[marlie]

hey,
totally no need for an apology! i totally (TOTALLY) hear ya on the LIWitis...just passing on my experience on the off chance it helped someone see another perspective. it was just my experience that once the actual proposal/engagement happened, all the feelings of ''why is he making me wait so long'' went away. i felt happy that he did it in his own time and that he was as excited about the moment as i was. not sure if i''m articulating well so i''ll just leave it at that!

thanks for the congrats! and I''m sure i''ll be congratulating you all soon too.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Little Monster, I can completely relate, even down to the trip to Mexico around the 2 year mark while we were living together.

I know that whatever we tell you, if you're really hoping to get engaged soon, waiting isn't going to be any easier. We can tell you all day long how wonderful the anticipation was, but frankly, a lot of my LIWitis led to arguments with my DH, that I was able to effectively eliminate by venting here. So, you're doing a great thing by posting among fellow women who have been there.

Have you spoken with him directly about marriage? Is it something he believes you are moving toward? If you haven't yet, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want, and as it's obviously important to you, have a talk with your BF about whether marriage is in your future, and get an idea of his time frame. You see it all of the time, boy soon is a completely different set of timelines than girl soon is. But, with a frame of reference, sometimes the waiting is a bit more enjoyable.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 7/16/2009 4:42:16 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Little Monster, I can completely relate, even down to the trip to Mexico around the 2 year mark while we were living together.

I know that whatever we tell you, if you''re really hoping to get engaged soon, waiting isn''t going to be any easier. We can tell you all day long how wonderful the anticipation was, but frankly, a lot of my LIWitis led to arguments with my DH, that I was able to effectively eliminate by venting here. So, you''re doing a great thing by posting among fellow women who have been there.

Have you spoken with him directly about marriage? Is it something he believes you are moving toward? If you haven''t yet, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want, and as it''s obviously important to you, have a talk with your BF about whether marriage is in your future, and get an idea of his time frame. You see it all of the time, boy soon is a completely different set of timelines than girl soon is. But, with a frame of reference, sometimes the waiting is a bit more enjoyable.

I''d agree with that - best to make sure you both know where you''re headed and when

 

[omieluv]

My FI and I were together for 10 years before we got engaged. To be honest, I never was one to obsess over getting engaged or married, so I really did not put any pressure on him. We moved in together a year ago, which gave us a good chance to get used to sharing a space together and working out how we were going to pay the bills and such. It really was not a stressful time for us, however, it gave us a chance to focus on living together. Sure, we had our ups and downs at first, but it seems most issues have worked themselves out. We just got engaged a couple of weeks ago (he is 34 and I am 32) and I must say that it is nice that we can now focus on planning the wedding now, rather than stress about how we are going to be able to live together.

For several years, we got pressure from friends and family about getting engaged. In fact, whenever we went on vacation, we would be asked if we were engaged or eloped, which was annoying. Whenever people would pressure us about getting engaged, I would jokingly ask them if they were going to foot the bill, which seemed to shut them up.Through previous discussions, we knew that we would eventually get engaged, but we were not ready until recently. In fact, we have seen two couples that we were friends with get divorced in the time that we had been dating, which further validated our decision to wait.

I will admit that for the past year I would wonder when he would propose, but it was not at the front of my mind. My only advice to you would be to make sure that both of you are on the same page regarding marriage, if so, try to live in the moment right now. As you know, moving in together is a big step, so just focus on making your house a home together, and all should work out in the end. When my FI and I moved in together last year, we had so much fun decorating and furnishing our apartment together! Now that we are engaged, we will hopefully have a fun time planning our wedding.

So my advice to you is to have fun living in the moment!

 

[Little Monster]

I cannot thank you all enough for your replies -- it cheers me up a lot to hear all of you remind me that I am not alone & that you all had your moments of insanity too!

So we sat down & talked about getting engaged & marriage. It went a lot better than I thought & it left me feeling pretty good actually. He loves me & wants to marry me. He made that really clear. He''s just not quite there yet. We just moved in together a few months ago & to him that was a GIGANTIC step. I already knew that but he reminded me of it, and I probably wasn''t giving him enough credit for that one. He has never lived with anyone before, and at 33, asking me to live in his home is a big adjustment. He''s just getting used to living together & getting engaged will seem much closer when living together becomes a little less new & we''re not holding our breath around each other so much. But he wants to marry me. Period. Maybe it will be a year, maybe two. Whatever. He loves me.

His best friend got engaged a few weeks ago & at this point people are teasing him about how much his friend has really set the bar high now. Poor guy : ( Like he needs any more pressure : ( Then we go to a wedding last night & he gets all kinds of crap from a bunch of his high school friends (all of whom are married, most with kids).

But he held my hand the whole time during the wedding & made me feel all special & beautiful & I''m okay with it (at least for right now). He loves me, I love him. I just need to remember those things, as well as the fact that me going a little crazy once in a while is NORMAL

So thank you girls... I needed that little reminder about why girl time does not equal boy time. It''s like I''m on dog time & he''s on human time. Frustrating but true

Thanks again -- hugs & support are seriously appreciated!