Holiday gifting question...

[Italiahaircolor]

If you have a married brother or sister...do you spend the same amount on their spouse?

My DH and I are at odds over this. I was brought up believing that spending the same amount was the fair thing to do....my DH believes differently. I hate making anyone feel "left out" or "overlooked"...

We ran into this issue this Christmas, and without going into what happened, I am wondering what your thoughts are....

Thanks!

 

[yssie]

My DH and I are at odds over this. I was brought up believing that spending the same amount was the fair thing to do....my DH believes differently. I hate making anyone feel "left out" or "overlooked"...



Definitely - they're (equally) part of the family, now. Maybe not so much in the actual amount spent, but I put the same amount of thought into it, and if that winds up to spending more or less - well, that's just how it is.


FI and I are engaged, while FI's brother and his wife have been married for five years and have two children together. My future in-laws - parents and siblings - give us the same consideration, and I'm ever so grateful for that - it would be horrid to feel like I don't quite fit in, or like I'm just an oversight...

 

[meresal]

I have 4 siblings, and we always did less for the spouse. We would do two gifts for sibling or one nice one, and then one regular small/novelty gift for the spouse. However, my parents always do gifts that are the same, I'm pretty sure.

However, we lucked out this year, and now that all siblings are going to have kids, we the siblings decided that we are only doing presents for kids in each of the families!

 

[Hera]

I would spend the same. If they aren''t married, though, I do gift at a slightly less amount.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

We''ve done all of the permutations over the years, but have switched over to one, nicer joint gift in recent years and find it works best by far.

 

[Sabine]

We usually do a joint gift for my brother and sil, but if we were to do separate, we would probably spend the same amount.

 

[steph72276]

I do a nice joint gift as well...makes it easier. If not, I would spend about the same as to not make the other person feel left out.

 

[D&T]

we usually spend the same amount on each of them.... But its getting more and more expensive

. So we're trying to advocate for "family" gifts or "couples gift" instead.... we shall see if it works out next year.

 

[vespergirl]

I always do joint gifts. My older brother is married, and my younger brother has a long-term live-in girlfriend. I usually get my older brother and his wife a really nice bottle of vodka or scotch, and I get my younger brother and his girlfriend an American Express gift card, because they are having trouble making ends meet - that way they can get what they need - groceries, gas, whatever.

 

[swingirl]

Threads like this make me so glad our family doesn't do gift-giving to the adults. I am sorry for those of you that have to do all that shopping and decision making!

 

[kama_s]

We give combined gifts to DH''s brother + girlfriend, something they both can use and enjoy. But if my brother just starts getting serious with a girl, I''d probably give her a smaller gift - definitely not the same value as my brother''s gift. When they get to serious level, it''ll be combined gifts again.

 

[upgrade]

We either spend the same on the brothers and their wives, or we give a joint gift to both of them. I think I would be hurt if my il''s gave my dh more than me. I would think they didn''t like me.

 

[Arcadian]

We''re lucky to do christmas cards lol. As we''re adults, we don''t exchange gifts.(they have lots of kids and its easier that way)

-A

 

[iheartscience]

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and I actually only give gifts to my sisters since my brothers never get me anything. Only one of my sisters is married and I just give her a present-I don''t get anything for her husband.

I''m not a big fan of obligatory gift giving and since I''m not close with my siblings'' spouses it doesn''t make much sense for me to get them gifts. They don''t get me anything either, so it seems like everyone''s okay with the arrangement!

 

[bebe]

We have always drawn names and had a set limit. But if we didn''t do that, then yes, I would spend the same on both.

 

[zhuzhu]

We pack the gifts to BOTH of them. This way we do not encounter any fairness issue.

 

[monarch64]

Yes, I give both my brother and SIL gifts in equal monetary amounts. However, I'm very close with my SIL, she and I are the same age and she's been with my brother for over 10 years, has attended family Christmases for the same amount of time...under different circumstances I don't know that I'd have the same outlook on the matter.

I am thinking that if there is an in-law towards whom your DH doesn't have good feelings maybe that is the reason he feels like he/she doesn't necessarily have to be gifted a like amount as his actual sibling? (If that is even the case here, you didn't specify whether it is your sibling or your DH's). If your DH has a line of reasoning behind gifting differing amounts I guess you have to take that into consideration. Otherwise, a nice joint gift or gifts of similar monetary amount are appropriate, imo. HTH.

 

[lucyandroger]

We do joint gifts as well. This year my brother and SIL''s gift was actually for their baby on the way.

 

[LilyKat]

Joint gifts for me too - usually a household item, or something they can both enjoy.

If I were buying them both individual presents, I would make them of roughly equal value.

 

[purselover]

We do joint gifts as well or would spend about the same amount on each individual. FI''s parents always spent the same amount on me as him and his sister even before we were engaged, as do my parents.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/23/2009 3:25:40 AM
Author: LilyKat
Joint gifts for me too - usually a household item, or something they can both enjoy.

If I were buying them both individual presents, I would make them of roughly equal value.

I''m in the joint gift camp. It is sooo much easier! I used to do seperate but equal... now it is all about togetherness... isn''t that what the holidays are about anyway?

 

[radiantquest]

Date: 12/22/2009 8:07:43 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
We''ve done all of the permutations over the years, but have switched over to one, nicer joint gift in recent years and find it works best by far.

Yup, that is what we do.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thanks for responding everyone! I got swept up in Christmas and haven''t had time to respond...

Basically, the situation is...my BIL and SIL are the ones who don''t gift in equal measure. I brought up believing that if a couple is married, then you do for both members equally or a joint gift. I hate even sounding like this, but it irked me. I am not close with either BIL or SIL for various reasons. We''re friendly, but it''s not a warm relationship by any means.

However, I make a point of really "thinking" about them come the holidays or on birthdays. I do my very, very best to buy in equal measure--maybe not gift''s one for one, but certainly in the money spent. I feel most comfortable doing this because this is how I was raised. I hated to think that my SIL would feel "less than" just because she isn''t blood, that, to me silly...she''s still family and is a sibling by law.

Well...we celebrated at my IL''s home before Christmas this year...and I was given a small value gift certificate that prefaced by saying it was "a gift that didn''t require thought"...I was also give two small gifts that they also gave to my IL''s neighbor. Without sounding ungrateful, I was hurt by this. I know we''re not close...but still. I not only do for my SIL & BIL but also her two children. I put a ton of time and energy into hunting down the right gifts and I felt like a complete afterthought...meanwhile, they loaded my DH up on gifts that are really thought out... It''s not about the money, it''s about the thought or lack thereof.

Now, this isn''t the first time I''ve felt this way...every birthday has been the same thing...they do something along the same lines...or nothing at all.

I was wondering what opinions were because I feel like come next Christmas I should probably rethink my gifting style. Sure, it''s not about doing tit or tat and I very well may change my mind come next September...but I am also frustrated.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 12/26/2009 5:39:11 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor


I was wondering what opinions were because I feel like come next Christmas I should probably rethink my gifting style. Sure, it''s not about doing tit or tat and I very well may change my mind come next September...but I am also frustrated.

IHC...a $20 Micky D''s gift card will do.

 

[Prana]

Italia, I completely understand your frustration, and know that it is not about monetary value, but rather THOUGHT.

I come from a family of gift givers that put a lot of energy into giving nice gifts; this does not equate (necessarily) to expensive gifts, but every gift given is thought about.

When my brother married, he married a very sweet girl, who we all really love, but who thinks it appropriate to give chocolate covered peanuts and prepackaged strange items to my family as gifts. At first, we were very offended, because it is a thoughtless gift, but over the years we have learned that not all families put thought into it like we do. We have adapted our gift giving with her.

Another example, my FI brother and SIL- they gave wobbly snowman and santa figurines to my FI 20 and 23 year old sisters. They were very offended, not because of the amount of money spent, but because there was no thought put into the gift. They both drove themselves nuts over finding appropriate gifts, and put a lot of time and energy into finding gifts for them, and were quite frankly, hurt by the lack of return effort. My FI''s brother and SIL are also ungrateful, so it was a lesson learned on all our parts not to put that effort into them anymore.

I will always put effort, time and thought into gifts for people who appreciate it, but frankly to those who continuously show no thought or effort, I stop with the gift effort. It''s not worth the frustration. Some people just weren''t raised to give thoughtful gifts, and some people weren''t raised to appreciate anything.