Hi I''m new with a long story

victoria83 · May 30, 2009

Hi ladies, I found this forum searching the internet to see if there was anyone in the same position as me.

I''m 26 and my partner is 27. We will have been together 9 years this August, and we bought our own house together a year and a half ago.

I would say I have been ready to get engaged for the past 3 years, however my partner has not. In the early days he used to say "marriage is just a piece of paper", then later on (early twenties) he would say "one day", and "I''m not going to even think about marriage until I am at least 30". Over the last 2 years the marriage issue has put a huge strain on our relationships, and we have argued countless times over it. There is no doubt in my mind about his commitment to me. He says he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with, but he wants to wait until things feel "right" before he proposes. He says this is because he is not like everyone else, he thinks about things too much.

Earlier this year (during a marriage-related argument unfortunately) he said he felt more ready than he ever had, but refused to give me any sort of timescale as he thought I would build it up and put pressure on him. He has also said many times that when I get upset about it he feels pressured and it makes him not want to propose. Despite this I still cry about it in front of him regularly. I can''t help it because marriage is everywhere I look. Sometimes I think if I''d never made an issue about it, we''d be engaged or even married by now.

Last week something happened which devastated me, yet gave me a slight glimmer of hope. We have been planning a 3-week trip to China this coming September (nothing has been booked but we hope it will go ahead if we can both get the time off work). Anyway we had a silly argument last week because we were both tired and stressed, and I stupidly brought up marriage. He got really angry and blurted out "TO THINK I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE TO YOU IN CHINA". Both of us are now extremely upset about this.. I feel like I have ruined my only chance of a proposal, and wish I could have kept my big mouth shut. He is really angry at himself, he says he has ruined everything. He said at first he wouldn''t be able to propose there or even this year, then later he said he "just doesn''t know".

I really want to talk this through with him but he says he doesn''t want to talk about it. He has hinted that if we don''t talk about it and let things get back to normal he might still go ahead with the proposal. Despite this I am still finding myself feeling hurt and angry. Friends of ours are getting engaged who have been together a fraction of the time we have, and instead of feeling happy for them I feel nothing but resentment. I hate myself for feeling that way but I can''t help it. Even TV shows and adverts about diamonds are making me angry! I hate weddings and parties too because we are always asked "so when are you 2 getting married?", followed by my partners nervous laugh, "one day" and quick change of subject. When people ask how long we have been together I actually feel physically sick because I know exactly what is coming next.

So anyway, if I keep calm and collected there is a chance I could be engaged this year!! I am hoping when I feel down, hurt or angry I can come to this forum and vent here rather than to my partner, because if that carries on there will never be a proposal

If you have read this thanks for listening xxx

miss_flo · May 30, 2009

Oh gosh, big hugs. It seems like things between you two have been volatile for a couple of years now, so I hope that that conversation helped calm the situation a little. It wasn't the best way to hear it, but the good news is that he is thinking about getting engaged in the near future.

I do worry that you both seem to have very different ideas about marriage. Getting engaged is just a minor event in the scope of things you two will face in marriage, from having children to having arguments. Have you both discussed your long-term goals and intentions with each other? Is everything compatible for the most part? It sounds like you're really confident about your relationship and that's great, but if this much fighting has plagued you two for this long, I'd worry about the strain it has put on you both.

Please keep us posted, and good luck. We've had countless girls come through with the exact same feelings of resentment and anxiety about getting engaged, so don't think that you're alone in feeling this way. Just make sure that you and your boyfriend are doing this for all the right reasons.

purrfectpear · May 30, 2009

Victoria there is NO reason (read my lips...N-O-N-E) why you should be held hostage to his "crumbs" and "hints" and "threats". Because that''s what''s really going on here. As long as you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe he "might" deem you worthy of a proposal.................or not.

So far you are buying into this crapola. "Oh you ruined it"

"To think I might have proposed"

He''s "different"

Nah, there''s nothing different about him. He''s just like every other guy who likes things just the way they are, and aren''t above manipulating the one they supposedly "love" to keep them in line.

For a guy who claims to love you, he sure doesn''t show any concern about how YOU feel. His only concern has been about whether HE would feel pressured, about when HE feels like getting engaged, about HIM, HIM, HIM !!!

You know what was missing in the whole saga you posted? YOU. Nowhere did I read anything at all about consideration for YOU. You can play his game and hope for the big payoff (ooooh I hope you''re worthy..........), or you can sit him down and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship and that it''s time he starts to 1. LISTEN TO YOU, 2. CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, and 3. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HE IS. Try to calmly explain to him that this is not just HIS deal. You aren''t going to sit around like a servant hoping that Master will bestow some new title of engaged person. You have feelings and you deserve a calm and rational discussion, along with a time line.

I bet you contribute to that mortgage payment don''t you? How convenient for him.

audball · May 30, 2009

Date: 5/30/2009 2:48:12 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Victoria there is NO reason (read my lips...N-O-N-E) why you should be held hostage to his ''crumbs'' and ''hints'' and ''threats''. Because that''s what''s really going on here. As long as you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe he ''might'' deem you worthy of a proposal.................or not.

So far you are buying into this crapola. ''Oh you ruined it''

''To think I might have proposed''

He''s ''different''

Nah, there''s nothing different about him. He''s just like every other guy who likes things just the way they are, and aren''t above manipulating the one they supposedly ''love'' to keep them in line.

For a guy who claims to love you, he sure doesn''t show any concern about how YOU feel. His only concern has been about whether HE would feel pressured, about when HE feels like getting engaged, about HIM, HIM, HIM !!!

You know what was missing in the whole saga you posted? YOU. Nowhere did I read anything at all about consideration for YOU. You can play his game and hope for the big payoff (ooooh I hope you''re worthy..........), or you can sit him down and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship and that it''s time he starts to 1. LISTEN TO YOU, 2. CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, and 3. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HE IS. Try to calmly explain to him that this is not just HIS deal. You aren''t going to sit around like a servant hoping that Master will bestow some new title of engaged person. You have feelings and you deserve a calm and rational discussion, along with a time line.

I bet you contribute to that mortgage payment don''t you? How convenient for him.

+1 -- PP said exactly what I was thinking. Is the engaged/married conversation the only aspect where he seemingly seeks to fulfill only his wants? What is it about marriage that freaks him out? Are his parents divorced?

PearlDahhhling · May 30, 2009

Date: 5/30/2009 2:48:12 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Victoria there is NO reason (read my lips...N-O-N-E) why you should be held hostage to his ''crumbs'' and ''hints'' and ''threats''. Because that''s what''s really going on here. As long as you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe he ''might'' deem you worthy of a proposal.................or not.

So far you are buying into this crapola. ''Oh you ruined it''

''To think I might have proposed''

He''s ''different''

Nah, there''s nothing different about him. He''s just like every other guy who likes things just the way they are, and aren''t above manipulating the one they supposedly ''love'' to keep them in line.

For a guy who claims to love you, he sure doesn''t show any concern about how YOU feel. His only concern has been about whether HE would feel pressured, about when HE feels like getting engaged, about HIM, HIM, HIM !!!

You know what was missing in the whole saga you posted? YOU. Nowhere did I read anything at all about consideration for YOU. You can play his game and hope for the big payoff (ooooh I hope you''re worthy..........), or you can sit him down and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship and that it''s time he starts to 1. LISTEN TO YOU, 2. CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, and 3. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HE IS. Try to calmly explain to him that this is not just HIS deal. You aren''t going to sit around like a servant hoping that Master will bestow some new title of engaged person. You have feelings and you deserve a calm and rational discussion, along with a time line.

I bet you contribute to that mortgage payment don''t you? How convenient for him.

Ditto ditto ditto

princesss · May 30, 2009

Date: 5/30/2009 2:48:12 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Victoria there is NO reason (read my lips...N-O-N-E) why you should be held hostage to his ''crumbs'' and ''hints'' and ''threats''. Because that''s what''s really going on here. As long as you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe he ''might'' deem you worthy of a proposal.................or not.

So far you are buying into this crapola. ''Oh you ruined it''

''To think I might have proposed''

He''s ''different''

Nah, there''s nothing different about him. He''s just like every other guy who likes things just the way they are, and aren''t above manipulating the one they supposedly ''love'' to keep them in line.

For a guy who claims to love you, he sure doesn''t show any concern about how YOU feel. His only concern has been about whether HE would feel pressured, about when HE feels like getting engaged, about HIM, HIM, HIM !!!

You know what was missing in the whole saga you posted? YOU. Nowhere did I read anything at all about consideration for YOU. You can play his game and hope for the big payoff (ooooh I hope you''re worthy..........), or you can sit him down and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship and that it''s time he starts to 1. LISTEN TO YOU, 2. CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, and 3. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HE IS. Try to calmly explain to him that this is not just HIS deal. You aren''t going to sit around like a servant hoping that Master will bestow some new title of engaged person. You have feelings and you deserve a calm and rational discussion, along with a time line.

I bet you contribute to that mortgage payment don''t you? How convenient for him.

I''ve tried to come up with a response to this, but I think PP hit the nail on the head. He''s got everything he wants. You don''t. The situation seems pretty clearly in his favour. When you''re ready to see that, you''ll know what to do.

Treasure43 · May 30, 2009

Date: 5/30/2009 2:48:12 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Victoria there is NO reason (read my lips...N-O-N-E) why you should be held hostage to his ''crumbs'' and ''hints'' and ''threats''. Because that''s what''s really going on here. As long as you are a good girl and keep your mouth shut, then maybe, just maybe he ''might'' deem you worthy of a proposal.................or not.

So far you are buying into this crapola. ''Oh you ruined it''

''To think I might have proposed''

He''s ''different''

Nah, there''s nothing different about him. He''s just like every other guy who likes things just the way they are, and aren''t above manipulating the one they supposedly ''love'' to keep them in line.

For a guy who claims to love you, he sure doesn''t show any concern about how YOU feel. His only concern has been about whether HE would feel pressured, about when HE feels like getting engaged, about HIM, HIM, HIM !!!

You know what was missing in the whole saga you posted? YOU. Nowhere did I read anything at all about consideration for YOU. You can play his game and hope for the big payoff (ooooh I hope you''re worthy..........), or you can sit him down and explain to him that there are TWO people in this relationship and that it''s time he starts to 1. LISTEN TO YOU, 2. CONSIDER YOUR FEELINGS TOO, and 3. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE AS IMPORTANT AS HE IS. Try to calmly explain to him that this is not just HIS deal. You aren''t going to sit around like a servant hoping that Master will bestow some new title of engaged person. You have feelings and you deserve a calm and rational discussion, along with a time line.

I bet you contribute to that mortgage payment don''t you? How convenient for him.

I agree 1000% with PP. He knows how you feel yet wants you to not talk about it or he might not propose? That''s a load of BS. It''s high time he considered YOUR needs and YOUR wants instead of just his own.

Tuckins1 · May 30, 2009

I too feel the same way as the other posters.... It seems as if your BF is manipulating you, and trying to keep you under his control in some way. Of course, I don''t know either of you personally, but just from what you have written, it doesn''t seem like things are very "equal" in the relationship. I''m sorry that you have to deal with this sort of thing, it''s sucks to feel like your partner doesn''t value you as an equal.

swingirl · May 30, 2009

Yes, to what everyone has said. I think it''s pretty rotten for him to hurt you by dangling the engagement in front of you, pulling it away, telling you that''s what he did, and then using it as a bargaining chip to encourage your "good behavior".

neatfreak · May 30, 2009

Date: 5/30/2009 9:52:16 PM
Author: swingirl
Yes, to what everyone has said. I think it''s pretty rotten for him to hurt you by dangling the engagement in front of you, pulling it away, telling you that''s what he did, and then using it as a bargaining chip to encourage your ''good behavior''.

Agreed. Pretty immature and controlling IMO.

Indylady · May 30, 2009

I agree entirely Purrfectpear; it seems like you have been trying very hard to establish a line of communication. If he says that he ''doesn''t want to talk about it'', then he seems to be the one that is hindering your communication. I don''t think you are ''stupid'' to bring up marriage. How else are you gonna come to a consensus? Through pantomime?

I think that it seems that he wants to "surprise" you and that''s why he wants to happen when you "don''t talk about it". I don''t think the definition of surprise requires a complete, utter, and unquestionable blindfold. I don''t think you should buy it.

Do you have any idea why its just a big issue for him to even talk about it? Together for 9 years; so since you were 17? I was guessing maybe he''d been married or engaged before and really hurt, but he seems too young. Any idea on what it could be?

sparklyheart · May 30, 2009

So if you are good and don''t mention getting engaged then he will propose?

And then in a couple of years, if you are good and don''t bug him about kids I bet you will get one of those too, right?

That sounds pretty crappy. You guys are in a weird spot though.. even though you have been together for nine years, you are only 26/27.. There are many guys out there who are not ready to get married at that age (and many who are..) and they just need time to grow up. I''m not sure what he means by waiting for the "right time" though.. If I had been with a guy for nine years and he was still waiting for the right time then I think I would let him wait in his own place with his own single self.

If I were you, I would set a time to have a talk with him.. No fighting/yelling/blaming/arguing.. Just an honest heart-to-heart discussion about whether or not he wants to marry YOU and how serious he really is about getting married. I know many people will disagree with me but I truly believe that if a guy wants to marry you, he won''t let anything get in the way of that. It sounds like he is not very willing to talk about getting engaged and if he can''t take the time to sit down and have a discussion (not a fight) about his future with you when it''s clearly upsetting you then you need to consider if there is any room for you in this relationship.

Best of luck and let us know how things go.

gwendolyn · May 31, 2009

I agree with the rest of the posters; he sounds like he''s manipulating you and putting off the engagement for various reasons. The two of you got together at a young age. I know this may be unpleasant to read, but is is possible he''s having doubts because you''re the only serious relationship he''s known? For some people, that isn''t an issue, but it sounds like there''s something more than just a general feeling of not being ready if he''s toying with you and punishing you by wanting to talk with him about it.

When you have conversations about marriage, is it always when you''re already upset about it, or do you have them when you''re calm as well? Does he react the same way to them regardless of your mood? Has he been able to talk with you maturely about how he sees your future together in a couple of years from now, in five or ten years from now? Do you want the same things?

I hope you two can sit down and discuss your future respectfully, with him listening to you and what you want. Unless you want to just live your life for this guy and do nothing but sacrifice and keep quiet when he''s uncomfortable, you need to stand up for what''s important to you. Best wishes, honey.

lulu · May 31, 2009

Gotta go with pp on this one-she''s right on.

audball · May 31, 2009

victoria-- please come back. I know some of this may seem harsh, but we really do want to help. We can only offer advice based on what you presented and this is how it reads to us, and we''ve read many similar stories with both good and bad outcomes. How are you feeling?

SeaStar · May 31, 2009

Geesh, talk about emotional blackmail in its highest form. He''s willing to commit to a home with you but marriage is different why? I think you are fully justified in your feelings. Granted, 26/27 is still young and men tend to mature more slowly, but I can understand your frustration about the lack of commitment after nine years. I think he''s projecting his cold feet onto you, hence making it your fault why he hasn''t proposed. Only you can decide how much to invest into this. It''s easy from an outsider''s perspective to give you advice solely based on what you wrote here, but you''re the one who has spent nine years with this man so there is obviously something that has made it worth it for you to stick it out this long. I hope you find the answers you''re looking for.

diamondseeker2006 · May 31, 2009

Wow, I have to say I agree with PP. He isn''t thinking about anyone other than himself. He is a control-freak. You deserve someone who thinks of YOUR happiness first and foremost. I''d suggest some counseling before making any long-term commitments. He has issues that need to be resolved.

Winks_Elf · May 31, 2009

This is exactly why I suggest people be at the very least engaged with the save-the-date cards already sent, deposit on venue made, BEFORE buying a house together. PP said it perfectly well, and the other ladies added more...I am in complete agreement with them. Sorry hun, but your partner is far from.

He got you to buy a house with him. You''re probably splitting the bills, and doing the domestic routine. What''s the point in getting married? He got what he want, and has the gall to make you feel guilty for wanting more?

Forget counseling. I suggest talking to him about how he plans to buy out your share of the house so you can move on with your life. More importantly, you also need to figure out if marriage really is that important to you. If it is, it''s time to start pulling away and moving on.

Before you think I''m heartless, I dated a man for a year and nine months who was financially well off, set in his career, and I really cared for him. However, when I presented him with the "we need to talk about where this relationship is going" speech, he told me straight out that he couldn''t make that commitment because blah blah blah. I thought about it for two weeks, and as painful as it was I told him good bye. Keep in mind this was after I went through a painful divorce, and had four small children to raise (in case you are scared of being on your own, financially). Once you realize that you want to have a marriage and family, and the other person does not, there is only one route the relationship can take, and that''s to end it.

I truly hope that you do come back and talk to us. We''re not trying to scare you off or be negative. Sometimes others can see things much differently than we can because we''re the ones sitting in the center of a tornado and it looks like blue skies when we look up, but everyone else can see what we''re in the middle of.

*Danielle* · May 31, 2009

I have to agree with the above. While I certainly do not know exactly what is going on it does seem like you are on completely different pages. You have made a commitment, when will it be his turn?

audball · May 31, 2009

Victoria??

Squirrly · May 31, 2009

hey victoria, i hope you give us an update soon

i do think you two should find a time to calmly discuss this. i''m sure after 9 years together he can tell when you''re upset but since this seems to come up when ever one or both of you is emotionally distraught, he probably has nothing but pain to associate with it and he most likely doesn''t fully understand why you''re hurting, and i bet you''d like to know why he''s not too keen on the engagement idea.

you two have been together for 9 years. you''ve gotten through problems big and small and you''ve dealt with your fair share of rough patches, this is just the next one to talk through, and with an issue this big it''s one that you two definitely should be on the same page, as well as know each others'' whys and why nots. it''s going to be hard if not pretty close to impossible to keep this from getting really emotional, but please find out if he''s going to get this nervous about the actual wedding, if not more so than being engaged. then hopefully you two can get it worked out and then wedding planning won''t be overly extra stressful

regardless, you love him or you wouldn''t have stuck around for this long, and for putting up with him for nine whole years he had best love you somethin fierce

talk! then hopefully you two can both enjoy pre-engagement jitters, but regardless of what comes out of the talk you''d best get your pretty little self back over here and post cause in case you haven''t noticed, these girls are going to be on your side and fightin for you cause we want you to be happy. no more crying for you (unless you''re being tickled)

victoria83 · Jun 1, 2009

Sorry I haven''t been back on with a reply yet, I was just quite taken aback with some of the responses. I came on here looking for support (which is what I have got for the most part) but some of the comments I have found quite hurtful. I don''t understand how some of you could form such a strong opinion of someone you have never met? I tried not to make my story one-sided but I guess that is inevitable when I am the one writing it. I am not making excuses for my partner - I do not understand why he has taken so long to feel "ready", but he is not the manipulating bully some of the responses suggest I have made him out to be.

I do not regret us buying a home together, I love having our own place. He did not pressure me into it, we made the decision together. And he is not using me to pay half the mortgage and bills!! We have had many discussions about marriage, and I know for a fact he is not taking me for a ride. He has told me he loves me, and wants to be with me forever, and I believe him. He wants to marry me and have children with me, but he feels now is not the right time for us. This has hurt me because I feel ready, but I would rather wait until it is something we BOTH want, than force him into something he is not 100% comfortable with.

As upsetting as it was, him blurting out his proposal plans for September was a milestone to me. After all these years he was actually ready to take the next step, it was finally real and not something that would happen "one day". THAT is why I am both upset and excited. I have always known we''d get engaged some day, but because of his reluctance to give a timescale, I had resigned myself to thinking it wasn''t going to be any time soon (always years away, never months, no matter how much time had passed). Now I know he was actually planning it, looking at rings, even discussing it with his best friend. He doesn''t want to talk about it now because he is so angry at himself for messing it up. He wanted it to be a complete surprise, which is what I have always wanted too. By keeping quiet about it, I am respecting his wishes, not being a "good little girl" who might get rewarded at the end of it. I know him, when he gets hurt he needs time to work things out on his own. If we have a happy summer, without the stress of marriage talk and reminders of what happened, he is more likely to get back into the frame of mind where he wants to plan a proposal.

My boyfriend is so special to me, I love him with all my heart and I cannot imagine living my life without him. Despite the fact he is yet to propose, he feels exactly the same way about me. I am not going to throw away 9 years with the love of my life, because we haven''t taken the next step yet. Now that I know he has actually been feeling ready, I would be stupid to walk away now.

I came on this forum to talk to other girls in the same sort of situation, to find somewhere I could vent my frustrations away from my partner, because despite our 9 year relationship I am actually not that good at waiting! I didn''t expect to be told to leave him, because I was never asking if I should leave him in the first place. I do respect all of your opinions though, and I am grateful for your responses. I hope that I have made my situation clearer now and that you respect my feelings on this matter.

Squirrly · Jun 1, 2009

it''s good to hear from you again, and i''m sorry if my post upset you in any way

and that is exciting that he''s talked to his best friend about it, i''m very happy for you! i hope you''re feeling more relaxed about it too. no more crying ok

allycat0303 · Jun 1, 2009

victoria83,

I think what sold it for many of us (me included) was that during an argument he threw the fact that he was going to propose during this trip in your face. And the worst part is that you feel like you have ruined *your one chance at a proposal*. If he is really committed to being married to you, you could not have ruined your *one chance at a proposal* you wouldn''t even be worried about it. AND he knows how much marriage means to you, you''ve said it over, and over, and cried in front of him, and he finds an opportunity to hurt you with it. If this is a one time occurence, then it''s ok, but from the sound of your first post, your feelings about this have been going on from 3 years. I don''t know how you''ve been able to endure this.

victoria83 · Jun 1, 2009

Date: 6/1/2009 5:08:41 PM
Author: Squirrly
it''s good to hear from you again, and i''m sorry if my post upset you in any way

and that is exciting that he''s talked to his best friend about it, i''m very happy for you! i hope you''re feeling more relaxed about it too. no more crying ok

Don''t worry you did not upset me at all

NakedFinger · Jun 1, 2009

victoria- I think a lot of people come on this forum for the blunt, brutal, un-sugarcoated honesty they cant get from friends/family to their face. Many times opinions, input, or personal experience among this great group of ladies (a lot of been there, done that) can be priceless to a woman seeking advice. Since you are new to this forum, and this being your first post ever, I can see how that may have taken you aback a little. However, take everything with a grain of salt, some of these ladies have been through it all already, and their advice can be extremely helpful.

princesss · Jun 1, 2009

Date: 6/1/2009 5:13:33 PM
Author: allycat0303
victoria83,

I think what sold it for many of us (me included) was that during an argument he threw the fact that he was going to propose during this trip in your face. And the worst part is that you feel like you have ruined *your one chance at a proposal*. If he is really committed to being married to you, you could not have ruined your *one chance at a proposal* you wouldn''t even be worried about it. AND he knows how much marriage means to you, you''ve said it over, and over, and cried in front of him, and he finds an opportunity to hurt you with it. If this is a one time occurence, then it''s ok, but from the sound of your first post, your feelings about this have been going on from 3 years. I don''t know how you''ve been able to endure this.

Ditto this. It seemed to me that if you were totally confident in your relationship and his desire to get married, you wouldn''t have felt guilty for wrecking your "one chance." Every day and every minute is a chance for a proposal, and a man ready to get married will pick one day and do it. A man not ready will push it off and give excuses, and use it as a carrot to dangle, a threat to bully with, and a weapon to attack with. The first post made it seem like he was using it as all three. If you''re willing to wait for him, great.

This is a board of very opinionated, often blunt women. But we do all mean the best, and when we see a person in preventable pain, we give them the same advice we''d give close friends. And if you were my best friend (given the new information), I''d tell you to have an open, honest talk about where exactly you''re headed, and a general timeline. When not having one leads to stress and friction, I think timelines help. If you have talked about marriage before, it''s not going to be a surprise. No proposal should be a total surprise, IMO. There should have been lots of conversations about values, family life, expectations, money management, degenerative diseases, family histories, etc.

But had my best friend called me and laid out your first post and asked my opinion? I''d have said, "Life''s too short to be uncertain about the person you love. If marrying you isn''t a priority to him, leave him. You''re a prize, and any guy that leaves you hanging like this isn''t worth it. So go dump him, and I''ll take you out for drinks."

Squirrly · Jun 1, 2009

Date: 6/1/2009 5:24:28 PM
Author: victoria83
Don''t worry you did not upset me at all

i''m glad, and the next time you''re crying had best be because he''s proposing. or else. i''m not quite sure what else is yet, but i''m sure i can think of something...

so nine years? wow, that''s a pretty incredible relationship for someone who''s not so patient

i don''t think you''re giving yourself near enough credit on the patience bit! you''re just being modest. so, how did you two meet? i bet you have some awesome stories

oh and him moving towards proposal from saying marriage is just a piece of paper is a pretty big step, so congratulations on that. my FF''s mom had two divorces so we''ve been working on making marriage less scary, though this has only come up once the reality of it drawing closer hit him. hard. like a truck, if not a whole caravan...

can his best friend help ya out some on calming your boy down? i have a great cookie recipe if you need some bribing material

and definitely tell us some more about yourself and this FF of yours, i am horribly nosy after all

16ocean · Jun 1, 2009

ooh Squirrly what’s the cookie recipe? Sounds yummy . . . .

Victoria-
Glad to see you back I have a question about what you said in an earlier post
without the stress of marriage talk
Why is talking about marriage with the person you love so stressful?

I am not going to throw away 9 years with the love of my life, because we haven''t taken the next step yet.

I am not saying you need to break up with the bf. What you do is your decision.
But PLEASE know if you stay with your bf for the rest of your life or break up tomorrow regardless of what path you take the past years are not to be "throw away".
Take what you have learnt in the past decade to make yourself and even more amazing woman.

letthesunshine · Jun 1, 2009

Hi Victoria -

I am sorry to read you story and I can feel your pain, it seems like marriage is everywhere when you are at that stage in your life. I totally understand how you felt about other''s reponses to your initial post, I read them and thought wow, no one is seeing the other side. There are certain points I agree with on both sides.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years and we live together in a rented apartment, but a lot of my friends ask me "why would he want to marry you if you he already has everything?" The truth is is that he does not already have everything. I had a discussion with my BF about this and he told me it is far from true. Sure there are probably some guys out there that are like that, but you have been together 9 years so there has to be a good connection or else one of you would have ended it awhile ago. My BF told me that just because we live together and do everything any married couple will do does not mean that he has everything. He said that when people tell me that they are wrong because the one thing he doesn''t have is knowing that I am his forever.

It is difficult for me to talk to my BF about marriage too because I dont want to be too pushy and push him into it but I also want to know that it is eventually coming down the road. The easiest way for me to ask this was point blank, I said "Do you love me?" to which he replied yes and i asked "Do you want to marry me someday?" and took it from there.

When it all comes down to it, you know your relationship with your BF the best. Even though you may think this is a good place to vent, which it sometimes is, take things with a grain of salt because everyone''s experiences are different. I like to hear what people have to say on this forum and think it through for a couple of days and form my own opinion.

Take Care!

Hi I''m new with a long story

Rough_Rock

Shiny_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Super_Ideal_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Rough_Rock

Super_Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Shiny_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Rough_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Rough_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Ideal_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Brilliant_Rock

Rough_Rock