Here a Name, There a Name, Everywhere a Name Name...

[princesss]

So, I don't think I've seen this conversation in a while - last names. Are you thinking about taking his, keeping your own, having him take yours, or creating something brand new?

 

[lin_ny]

Taking his.

 

[princesss]

Cool!

BF said something the other day about, "You're already Mrs. HisLast to me."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I want to marry you."
"That's nice. I want to marry you, too. Why would that change my name?"
"Because...I want to marry you." (Said like I'm clearly missing the point)
"But what does that have to do with my name changing? I can marry you and still be princesss MyLast."
"Well, fine, if you want to insult me."
"Well, you're not taking my last name. Is that an insult?"
"Fine! I'll be C_____ MyLast!"

My friends give me a hard time for "ruining a sweet moment," but a) this is how we operate and b) I really resent the implication that the woman will automatically take the man's last name. I think it's very sweet, and I do like the idea of a family sharing a name, but I don't really care how they pick the name they share. So yeah, I gave BF a hard time about it. Honestly, I probably would take his last name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

[antiquesparkler]

Cool!

BF said something the other day about, "You're already Mrs. HisLast to me."
"Why's that?"
"Well, I want to marry you."
"That's nice. I want to marry you, too. Why would that change my name?"
"Because...I want to marry you." (Said like I'm clearly missing the point)
"But what does that have to do with my name changing? I can marry you and still be princesss MyLast."
"Well, fine, if you want to insult me."
"Well, you're not taking my last name. Is that an insult?"
"Fine! I'll be C_____ MyLast!"

My friends give me a hard time for "ruining a sweet moment," but a) this is how we operate and b) I really resent the implication that the woman will automatically take the man's last name. I think it's very sweet, and I do like the idea of a family sharing a name, but I don't really care how they pick the name they share. So yeah, I gave BF a hard time about it. Honestly, I probably would take his last name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We had this conversation once. He has his mom's last name because his parents weren't married when he was born (and are now divorced). His whole family has the same last name- except him. His dad brings it up once in a while that he should change it. I jokingy was like, "Well when you become T____ Mylastname it wont matter." He laughed and we still joke about it. Truth is I would take his name in a heartbeat.

 

[FrekeChild]

I took his name. And I told him after going through changing everything (and I didn't even have any credit cards! It was still a LOT of stuff to change) that I was a HisLast for life. Divorce, death, remarriage, doesn't matter. Plus the kiddo has his name too, so it isn't changing.

I'm glad I changed it from my maiden name though. I *loved* and *hated* my maiden name. Of course, now its my middle name. Which added a second layer of complication to changing my name, but whatever.

 

[MBKRH]

If it happens, I'll take his. I hate my last name.

 

[madelise]

I really resent the implication that the woman will automatically take the man's last name. I think it's very sweet, and I do like the idea of a family sharing a name, but I don't really care how they pick the name they share. So yeah, I gave BF a hard time about it. Honestly, I probably would take his last name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Ditto. I really do not want to partake in this tradition. I'd love it if he were to take mine but SO is not game. I used to be very adamant that I'd never sign papers with any man that wouldn't take MY last name, as a sort of counter-revolution against the practice. I let that one go cus I'd be single for TOO long, lol. I hate hyphens. I'm keeping my name, but I can be Mrs. HisLast socially, if he wants. Meaning I won't correct people if they call me Mrs. HisLastName. Maybe. Depends how angry I am at the moment But I'm introducing myself, always, as MyFirst, MyLast. I don't want to be "His Wife". I want to be me. My first name. I don't want to be a Mrs. Something. Nope. My first name, only, please and thank you

But I'm sure this battle isn't over. I'm sure I'll debate it a million times. Combining last names? Changing my last name after X amount of years married, as an anniversary celebration?

 

[Chewbacca]

Love the thread title.

I'm fairly sure that I'll be a maiden name keeper. I have no qualms with socially being Mrs. Hislast, its the legal change part that gives me the heebie jeebies! Not for the potentially laborious process it is, but because I hate the idea of officially letting go of my name (reasons: family of girls, I like it cos its mine, my first name was picked to go with it,.. nothing particularly deep seated!).

I have however reserved the right to revisit it if/when I have children. Its too theoretical for me to tell yet, but I think I might want to share a family name.

ALSO, I really don't like Ms., it is so not me. Miss. all the way!

 

[lkc84]

Taking his

BF said it's up to me if I want to change my name and he's fine either way. I'm choosing to because having different last names than your children can sometimes be a pain in the butt (my parents are divorced and remarried). Also, nobody can EVER spell my current last name correctly. I have an uncommon variation on a common last name, so I will be happy to not have my name butchered all the time anymore!

 

[audball]

Taking his. Can't wait

 

[LJL]

I will take his. He wouldnt have it any other way - like your SO princesss, he thinks its insulting not to take his name. (I kinda agree, but please don't flame me, its just the way we were raised - also, I despise hyphenating, I want the same last name as my child AND my hubby). I will take my current last name as a new middle name and cut out my current middle name. I'm quite proud of my maiden/current last name and it WILL most likely die with my generation, but thems the breaks!

 

[Chewbacca]

Also re: keeping, I don't actually like the idea of being another Mrs. Hislast along with his mother and two SIL's! Its rapidly growing into a freaking TRIBE!

I'm so awful! I love his family, I just feel sick at the thought of 'leaving' my own clan. Melodramatic, moi??

 

[princesss]

I will take his. He wouldnt have it any other way - like your SO princesss, he thinks its insulting not to take his name. (I kinda agree, but please don't flame me, its just the way we were raised - also, I despise hyphenating, I want the same last name as my child AND my hubby). I will take my current last name as a new middle name and cut out my current middle name. I'm quite proud of my maiden/current last name and it WILL most likely die with my generation, but thems the breaks!

Oh, he doesn't actually think it's insulting! He was goofing around (though there's probably a kernel of truth in there somewhere). I know it makes him happy that I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do, and I'll stand up and say something if I think he's pulling some sexist BS or not giving me a voice in a decision that affects me. (Or shoot him down when he assumes he has more say over what I do than I do - don't like the hair cut I'm looking at/my tattoo idea/my favourite pair of jeans? Good thing it's my body and not yours. And I give him the same respect.) Even if it's meant to be sweet (and trust me, I've heard enough of the "You ruined a sweet moment!" comments on this particular situation, haha), it drives me bonkers. It's cute though, after every conversation we have like this, he'll look at me with this smile and say, "I love what a feminist you are." Warms my little heart every single time.

 

[mandasand]

I'm keeping my maiden name. At first I think my BF thought I was joking. But I'm not. He said as long as our future kids have his last name he is cool with it. That works for me! My reasoning is rather simple. I was married before. Took that loser's name. It took me two years to get it changed back. Biggest hassle. I love my guy more than anything, but to me, there is no significance in taking someone else's name. But, I'm not sentimental!

 

[Schafenm]

I will probably take his, but knowing me it will take forever because I do not want to do the paperwork!!

 

[princesss]

I was talking to my mom about this, and I realized something - I've actually given more thought to what will have to happen nationality-wise than I have about names. Stay American? Become British? Try to do both? Apply for permanent residency but never citizenship? Choices, choices, choices.

 

[ForteKitty]

Not changing my name.

My first name is a 1950s name, but spelled slightly differently. Combined with his last name, I sound like a 90 year old grandma. If I hyphen, it turns into a famous Chinese dish.

Either way, it's not attractive, and I'm too lazy. Since he doesn't care, I don't see why we need to go thru all the hassle. Socially I'll be Mrs. Hislastname, only because it's easier. If we have a kid, the kid will have his last name.

 

[star sparkle]

I'm changing mine. Currently have a hyphenated last name and can't wait to be rid of it. I have no particular attachment to my current last name, and he feels more strongly about me taking his name than I feel about keeping mine, so it's win-win. He wouldn't be opposed to me keeping my own name, but as he said, "I'd really like it if we shared a name." Good thing I can't wait until we can do that!

 

[madelise]

Even if it's meant to be sweet (and trust me, I've heard enough of the "You ruined a sweet moment!" comments on this particular situation, haha), it drives me bonkers. It's cute though, after every conversation we have like this, he'll look at me with this smile and say, "I love what a feminist you are." Warms my little heart every single time.

 

[vintagelover]

When it happens, I am pretty sure I will be taking his last name. Although - I could see myself wanting both since I prefer mine more.

 

[Rhea]

I kept mine. And I get angry, very angry, if I'm called hislast on purpose. He has a friend who insists on calling me hislast despite being told for the past 7 years that I did not change my name. I've gotten angry, I've calmly spoken with him, DH has reminded him, nothing works.

If it's on accident I simply correct and move on. Doing it on purpose simply because you believe that it is legally correct pisses me off no end. He's getting married soon. Afterwards I plan to refer to him, both in greeting and written formal, as Mr. Herlast, the same as he's done to me for 7 years. I'm not sure he'll ever change, but I figure it's my only hope for being called the correct name.

 

[madelise]

I kept mine. And I get angry, very angry, if I'm called hislast on purpose. He has a friend who insists on calling me hislast despite being told for the past 7 years that I did not change my name. I've gotten angry, I've calmly spoken with him, DH has reminded him, nothing works.

If it's on accident I simply correct and move on. Doing it on purpose simply because you believe that it is legally correct pisses me off no end. He's getting married soon. Afterwards I plan to refer to him, both in greeting and written formal, as Mr. Herlast, the same as he's done to me for 7 years. I'm not sure he'll ever change, but I figure it's my only hope for being called the correct name.

He sounds like a chauvinistic dick that I would never want to be around. That isn't funny at all.
Lol I can definitely see myself getting angry, hence the "maybe.. depends how angry I am at the moment" comment. I have no idea how you've put up with this jerk playing you for 7 years. I'm more angry than you are. SO would never be allowed NEAR him, and I sure as heck would never be near him until he stopped calling me by another name. Or I'd try calling him a name he doesn't like, all the time, every chance I get.


But I'm in the group that doesn't believe in "marriage" at face value of what it has been, and is today. I'm actually searching into alternatives for us to be tied together without getting married. I attempted to do a domestic partnership, but in the state of CA, you have to be the same gender or one person has to be age 65+.

 

[princesss]

Even if it's meant to be sweet (and trust me, I've heard enough of the "You ruined a sweet moment!" comments on this particular situation, haha), it drives me bonkers. It's cute though, after every conversation we have like this, he'll look at me with this smile and say, "I love what a feminist you are." Warms my little heart every single time.

Right??? To me, that was the sweet moment in that conversation.

 

[FrekeChild]

I kept mine. And I get angry, very angry, if I'm called hislast on purpose. He has a friend who insists on calling me hislast despite being told for the past 7 years that I did not change my name. I've gotten angry, I've calmly spoken with him, DH has reminded him, nothing works.

If it's on accident I simply correct and move on. Doing it on purpose simply because you believe that it is legally correct pisses me off no end. He's getting married soon. Afterwards I plan to refer to him, both in greeting and written formal, as Mr. Herlast, the same as he's done to me for 7 years. I'm not sure he'll ever change, but I figure it's my only hope for being called the correct name.

He sounds like a chauvinistic dick that I would never want to be around. That isn't funny at all.
Lol I can definitely see myself getting angry, hence the "maybe.. depends how angry I am at the moment" comment. I have no idea how you've put up with this jerk playing you for 7 years. I'm more angry than you are. SO would never be allowed NEAR him, and I sure as heck would never be near him until he stopped calling me by another name. Or I'd try calling him a name he doesn't like, all the time, every chance I get.


But I'm in the group that doesn't believe in "marriage" at face value of what it has been, and is today. I'm actually searching into alternatives for us to be tied together without getting married. I attempted to do a domestic partnership, but in the state of CA, you have to be the same gender or one person has to be age 65+.

Why are you shopping for an engagement ring then? If you don't want to be married, what's the point? And does your boyfriend know you feel this way?

 

[FrekeChild]

I'm changing mine. Currently have a hyphenated last name and can't wait to be rid of it. I have no particular attachment to my current last name, and he feels more strongly about me taking his name than I feel about keeping mine, so it's win-win. He wouldn't be opposed to me keeping my own name, but as he said, "I'd really like it if we shared a name." Good thing I can't wait until we can do that!

Not to mention the alphabetical thing, although that's less important in adulthood!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Is it bad to admit that for me, it would totally depend on the name? I mean, there are some really weird names out there!

Though I have another question to throw to you guys I'm a teacher, which means I have all my students address me as Ms. Last name. I don't want to be called Miss, and definitely not Mrs. Which makes me think... even if I were married and took my husband's name, I don't necessarily want to be called Mrs. - just Ms. His last name. I guess I don't love that people automatically know information about you or can make assumptions based on what they call you (like whether you're married or not). Ms. is just a nice catch-all. Besides, guys never have to deal with that - they're a Mr. all their lives!

Is my over-attachment to "Ms." weird?? :p

 

[madelise]

But I'm in the group that doesn't believe in "marriage" at face value of what it has been, and is today. I'm actually searching into alternatives for us to be tied together without getting married. I attempted to do a domestic partnership, but in the state of CA, you have to be the same gender or one person has to be age 65+.

Why are you shopping for an engagement ring then? If you don't want to be married, what's the point? And does your boyfriend know you feel this way?

It's not THAT. I think the encoding/decoding got lost in translation there. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Yes, he knows I feel this way. We both looked into domestic partnerships and other options together. One of our dearest friends is gay, and he can't marry, so I've always felt miffed with the law. Being 'married' doesn't define a relationship for me, or for us. The commitment ceremony does. Promising to love each other through tough times, and not bailing out, does. Promising each other's families that we are there to support each other for life, does. I'd be happy never getting married, and just doing a small commitment ceremony before combining our living situation and finances, but that doesn't translate into him being my next-of-kin. But we did search for other options, first. Like making each other P.O.A.'s, in case of emergencies. But he would still not be my next-of-kin. I want him to be my next-of-kin, so we are marrying. He is supportive of how I feel, and is okay with the fact that I first wanted to find another option. It's not like I'm any less committed to him, or our relationship. I just feel like the "sanctity of marriage" is kind of botched. People who SHOULDN'T marry, are marrying for 72 days. People who SHOULD be married, are choosing not to or CAN'T. Marriage has become the exact faux pas of what it was meant to mean. Vows are said, to be there for richer or poorer, through sickness and health.. yet finances are one of the top reason for separation, and I personally see a bunch of people (from work) who bail out when their partners get sick, because "That's not the person I married." And really, what DOES marriage mean anymore?

I will love him, until I'm no longer able to love (since I can't prove or disprove my emotions can or cannot live on past coma, brain damage, or death). I believe he feels the same way. I'm the skeptic of love in our relationship. But he's never backed down from supporting me, no matter how angry he gets at me, and no matter how much I hurt him when I am being stubborn. He has been a wonderful backbone for me, and I hope I will be a lovely partner for him in life. A piece of paper won't change that.

Engagement rings is just a social practice, and one that I enjoy very much. Us living together and moving in together, or having kids together has nothing to do with the ring. I could have gone without? But I would have just purchased one later, anyway. I wear rings on my LHRF all the time. That finger is not solely for engagement/marriage, to me. So us purchasing is just us partaking in a social practice that I would have done anyway, on my own. In fact, I honestly don't even think he'll wear his WB at all. He has had 3 bands so far, and he doesn't like the feel of them. I can try all I want, and I will try, to find him a band that will be comfortable for daily wear.. but if he doesn't wear it, does it make us any less committed to each other? If I wear a ring, does it make me MORE committed? And if we did decide to go against traditions, why shouldn't I be able to wear a ring if I like diamonds?

But yes, I understand that this is just MY personal approach, and that most people don't feel this way, or think this much into little things. I've become this way due to my life experiences. I'm the black sheep but I definitely support OTHERS' views of marriage and unions, and how they'd like to approach their own unions.

WOO, sorry for the book, Freke I hope you don't think I'm a monster because of this. I hope nobody does. I still believe in relationships, I still believe in the IDEA of marriage, and support it to the death of me. It's the actual reality and results of it that has always made me a skeptic. I'm a bit jaded, I suppose.

 

[madelise]

I'm changing mine. Currently have a hyphenated last name and can't wait to be rid of it. I have no particular attachment to my current last name, and he feels more strongly about me taking his name than I feel about keeping mine, so it's win-win. He wouldn't be opposed to me keeping my own name, but as he said, "I'd really like it if we shared a name." Good thing I can't wait until we can do that!

Not to mention the alphabetical thing, although that's less important in adulthood!

Like, whoever's last name gets the kid in the front of the class? LOL, I have a funny tidbit on this one. My last name starts with a T, I have always been #22-24 in our class of 30 students, and sat in the back. I like the front. So I can see the sentiment.

I was on the phone with a gal I got referred to for dog training. This lady was LOVELY. At the end of our conversation, she was telling me her full name and her contacts. Her last name is ONE LETTER off of SO's last name. SO is middle eastern, of Pakistani descent, and we all know how much flack their culture has been getting post-9/11. I did not say ANYTHING about her last name, this dog trainer said "My name is Firstname Lastname, OH! BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M WHITE, I'M NOT MIDDLE EASTERN." I had to chuckle. She said her last name was chopped up by her parents so that their kids could sit in the front row. It starts with an A.

I've previously had conversations with SO about our future kids' last names, and one + for his last name was that they could sit front row in class rooms. However, we saw the results of negative reactions to such a last name with this dog trainer, and now I've got a + on my last name. It's sad that she felt she had to explain her life away about her last name, just to make sure I didn't think she was a terrorist. She must have been treated HORRIBLY in order for her to have a defense like this. In the end, I put another + on his last name for the kids, cus I think any hardships due to this will build character.

 

[madelise]

Is it bad to admit that for me, it would totally depend on the name? I mean, there are some really weird names out there!

Though I have another question to throw to you guys I'm a teacher, which means I have all my students address me as Ms. Last name. I don't want to be called Miss, and definitely not Mrs. Which makes me think... even if I were married and took my husband's name, I don't necessarily want to be called Mrs. - just Ms. His last name. I guess I don't love that people automatically know information about you or can make assumptions based on what they call you (like whether you're married or not). Ms. is just a nice catch-all. Besides, guys never have to deal with that - they're a Mr. all their lives!

Is my over-attachment to "Ms." weird?? :p

My just previous post! SO and I have definitely thought about the repercussions to an ethnic last name.


No, your "ms." attachment isn't weird. I've had my fair share of grade school teachers that were Ms. I remember specifically asking one if she was married (because I thought she was SO, so pretty, and well, because I was a kid, so I didn't know at the time how direct of a Q it was), and she refused to answer. She asked me why it mattered, and if it would make me like her any more or less.

 

[Rhea]

I kept mine. And I get angry, very angry, if I'm called hislast on purpose. He has a friend who insists on calling me hislast despite being told for the past 7 years that I did not change my name. I've gotten angry, I've calmly spoken with him, DH has reminded him, nothing works.

If it's on accident I simply correct and move on. Doing it on purpose simply because you believe that it is legally correct pisses me off no end. He's getting married soon. Afterwards I plan to refer to him, both in greeting and written formal, as Mr. Herlast, the same as he's done to me for 7 years. I'm not sure he'll ever change, but I figure it's my only hope for being called the correct name.

He sounds like a chauvinistic dick that I would never want to be around. That isn't funny at all.
Lol I can definitely see myself getting angry, hence the "maybe.. depends how angry I am at the moment" comment. I have no idea how you've put up with this jerk playing you for 7 years. I'm more angry than you are. SO would never be allowed NEAR him, and I sure as heck would never be near him until he stopped calling me by another name. Or I'd try calling him a name he doesn't like, all the time, every chance I get.


But I'm in the group that doesn't believe in "marriage" at face value of what it has been, and is today. I'm actually searching into alternatives for us to be tied together without getting married. I attempted to do a domestic partnership, but in the state of CA, you have to be the same gender or one person has to be age 65+.

It's actually one of DH's closest friends, and DH is in his upcoming wedding. I do like the friend, or at least I always have done. I've known him for 10 years and think he's actually really cool, but the name thing is undermining how I feel about this guy. He's great in every respect except for the names within a marriage thing.