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help with a sensitivity issue: bridesmaid''s nervous breakdown

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CrownJewel

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Sep 26, 2006
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I was going to send out cards asking my 3 best friends and my sister to be Bridesmaids and MOH. One of the best friends got engaged 2 weeks after me. She seemed SOOOOOOO happy when she told me over the phone and when I saw her and her fiance that weekend (2 weeks ago). Just yesterday I found out she''s having a nervous breakdown and started seeing a therapist about the relationship and she might break up with him completely. THEY''VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 5 YEARS AND NONE OF US KNEW THAT SHE WAS UNHAPPY!!!!!!! I''m totally baffled and concerned. I only got to talk to her briefly last night, all she could say was that she and her fiance were on their way to a therapy session together and that she had no time to give me details at the moment. I''m certainly not angry because this girl is the sweetest person you could ever meet. I''m extremely concerned because this is so out of the blue. I''m also worried that she doesn''t want to talk to me because she doesn''t want to put a damper on my wedding planning (I was the last to hear about this even though I live the closest to her and was the first friend to hear about the engagement). There really isn''t a whole lot going on with my wedding planning, and I don''t know if she really understands how much more important SHE is than my wedding.

The other 2 girls will be flying into NY for our holiday get-together and I sort of wanted to ask them all before they got here. I''ve made it clear to the other 2 girls that it is more important to be with our friend rather than talk about my wedding. Originally I was hoping my friends could go dress shopping with me because they live so far away and this is one of the only times of the year that I get to see them. I told them that we can always plan my wedding via email and the internet!!

So my issues are the following:
1. Should I wait a few months to ask the girls to be my bridesmaids? Maybe in a few months my friend will feel better?
2. Ooof...I really don''t know what to do about the dress shopping. I highly doubt my friend will want to go dress shopping with me, but would it be wrong for me to ask the other 2 to go with me just for one afternoon? Perhaps I could go dress shopping with my sister and take photos for the other girls. My sister is my MOH but her style is totally different from mine. Part of me is thinking, "the dress really is not important" and part of me is thinking "well, actually I do want a nice dress for the wedding photos." What to do?
 

dtnyc

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Jul 27, 2005
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1,082
Wow... that''s a lot for her to take in.

I would give her a call and let her know that you are behind her and support her and that you want her to be happy. Talk to her, see what''s going on in her life.
Hear her out.

I would still ask the people you want to have in your wedding party to be in your wedding. If your friend asks you how you are doing, I would say to her- "I know you are going through a lot right now, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would be in my wedding."

I think that if delivered with sensitivity you can still ask everyone in a reasonable time frame and then you will have some time to get the ball rolling for dresses.

www.theregoesthebride.com
is a great website for people who are having second thoughts, etc. I was to be in a wedding that was called off 1 week before and it was the best decision my friend ever made.
 

labbielove

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Jun 28, 2006
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862
i think you should go ahead and ask the other girls, and then wait for a bit to see how your friend is doing before asking her. and definitely put it to her how much it would mean to you, but Also specify that if she at any time feels that she can''t do it, for whatever reason, that you would be ok with it (that is, if you are ok with it)
if it were me, i would be fine if she felt she needed to back out, it''s totally fine to have different #s of attendants on each side, if that''s what it came down to.

the important thing is to let her know you are here for her no matter what.

good luck, and i hope your friend is doing ok.
 

robbie3982

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
3,960
I agree that you should definitely tell her that you''re there for her no matter what happens. I think you should ask her at the same time as you ask your other girls.

Most places aren''t going to let you take pictures while you''re trying on dresses, so I think you should try to get away with the 2 that will want to go shopping if you can.

It really sucks that you have to deal with this, but you sound like a really great friend. Your friend''s a lucky girl to have your support.
 

CrownJewel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
1,895
Thanks for your responses dtnyc, labbie and robbie!

Ok, UPDATE. So I slept over at my friend's apt last night (there's another girl that lives in her apt but this roomate is friends with the fiance). My poor friend is a mess. I helped her get to work this morning and she seems soooooooo sad. There's just no way I can ask her to be my BM anytime soon. No way. I still do want her in my wedding party but I'll ask her when I think she's ready (and also tell her it's totally ok if she doesn't feel she can do it). I'll go ahead and ask the other girls this week. Our friend is having trouble making ANY decision right now (what to eat? what should I do, it's raining out? do I have to go to that party? etc.) and the biggest one looming in her head is "Do I really want to marry this guy?" She says she constantly feels sick. She is seeing a therapist regularly and also going home to her parents each weekend. She's been like this for 3 weeks and it seems like she's getting worse and worse. Poor girl, I totally didn't want to leave her.

dtnyc, I'll check out that website and then forward it to my friend. I guess this kind of anxiety happens more often than we think, huh? Apparently ex-brides have written books on this too!

I also decided that I won't need help with the dress. I'll bring my mom and my sister just for extra eyes. I can figure it out myself. I was talking to my friend about the other girls coming in next weekend, and she assumes we'll all be in NJ the whole weekend, so I didn't want to make any different plans. The dress is important, but not more important than friends. :)

Thanks again for your words of advice ladies.
 
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