Wedding Help - Rehearsal Dinner Angst

[October2008bride]

Hey everyone - it has been a long week/weekend and now I am coming to you for some advice. Rehearsal dinners. Ugh. Anyone else find them the source of tension in the family or is just me!?

So here goes - my family is paying for the wedding and FI''s parents are paying for the RD. Seems like a fair trade, right?

Anyways, when we sat down with FI''s family to discuss the dinner, they FREAKED because we wanted to have 26 people. We have ten people in the bridal party, immediate family, 3 family friends who flew in from AUSTRALIA and a few of the serious bf/gf or husbands/wives of our bridal party. It was important to us to include them, since they both would have had to fly in, pay for hotels/dresses/etc.

Yeah so they made me go through every person and justify them - even my BIL!!! I finally said to FFIL "Listen, it is really important to us to have these extra people there - we didn''t make you justify the 45 people you have on our wedding list, so if you don''t want to pay for these guests to the RD, we will."

FMIL said "as long as it is under 30, okay". I think she just didn''t want the fight.

So I can''t say I left happy, but at least that argument was done.

Or so I thought.

My mother called 2 days later and said she HAD TO add 15 of her OOT guests. You couldn''t POSSIBLY leave the OOT''ers withouth SOMETHING to do on the Friday. Ugh.

Huge fight ensues. While I understand the desire to thank them, I personally don''t think it should be at the RD. THat is why we have the OOT brunch on Sunday.

To me, the RD is about thanking the people in the bridal party and their partners, and the immediate family. I don''t want the RD to be a mini wedding, where I have to go around meeting people I don''t know. That is what Saturday is for!!

We still have to discuss this (with my parents) so that is why I was hoping to get some input from you girls. Should I just suck it up? Or should I stand firm that this is not the time to entertain OOT guests who I don''t know - and that we can do something else, like a cocktail party after?

Who did you invite to your RD? OOT guests?

Thanks in advance!

 

[CNOS128]

My friend is getting married soon, and the bride''s family is paying for the wedding but my friend''s parents are hosting/paying for the rehearsal dinner. The bride has a big family, most of whom are out of town. Her mother is inviting 200 people to the rehearsal. Two hundred!
So my friend''s mom has to find another banquet hall for all these people, plus transportation, and apparently decorations (because bride''s mom insists).

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/20/2008 9:34:07 AM
Author:October2008bride

So here goes - my family is paying for the wedding and FI's parents are paying for the RD. Seems like a fair trade, right?

First, no one is required to pay for your wedding but you, so instead of worrying about "fair trade" I think you may want to take the stance of appreciation that both families are contributing at all (the way your families have worked out who pays is quite traditional, and common). You may not have intended for this to come out as it sounds, but it comes across as a bit ungreatful and that expression may have colored the way you speak to your in-laws about the rehearsal dinner which has now turned into a hassle for all of you. I only say this to help, not to be snarky.

Date: 5/20/2008 9:34:07 AM
Author:October2008bride

Anyways, when we sat down with FI's family to discuss the dinner, they FREAKED because we wanted to have 26 people. We have ten people in the bridal party, immediate family, 3 family friends who flew in from AUSTRALIA and a few of the serious bf/gf or husbands/wives of our bridal party. It was important to us to include them, since they both would have had to fly in, pay for hotels/dresses/etc.

Yeah so they made me go through every person and justify them - even my BIL!!! I finally said to FFIL 'Listen, it is really important to us to have these extra people there - we didn't make you justify the 45 people you have on our wedding list, so if you don't want to pay for these guests to the RD, we will.'

FMIL said 'as long as it is under 30, okay'. I think she just didn't want the fight.

So I can't say I left happy, but at least that argument was done.

Did you guys talk about the number of guests you want to invite? I think it's terrible she made you justify the invitations of each and every one of your guests, and if you are going to be made to feel guilty about the subject, would it be better/easier if you and your FI decided to pay for the whole rehearsal dinner by yourselves? If you did that would resolve your issues with his family as they'd have nothing to complain about since they aren't paying for it.

Date: 5/20/2008 9:34:07 AM
Author:October2008bride
My mother called 2 days later and said she HAD TO add 15 of her OOT guests. You couldn't POSSIBLY leave the OOT'ers withouth SOMETHING to do on the Friday. Ugh.

Huge fight ensues. While I understand the desire to thank them, I personally don't think it should be at the RD. THat is why we have the OOT brunch on Sunday.

To me, the RD is about thanking the people in the bridal party and their partners, and the immediate family. I don't want the RD to be a mini wedding, where I have to go around meeting people I don't know. That is what Saturday is for!!

We still have to discuss this (with my parents) so that is why I was hoping to get some input from you girls. Should I just suck it up? Or should I stand firm that this is not the time to entertain OOT guests who I don't know - and that we can do something else, like a cocktail party after?

Who did you invite to your RD? OOT guests?

Thanks in advance!

My opinion about what a rehearsal dinner should be the same as yours, and I think you need to stand firm with your mom. If she feels obligated to entertain those guests, she could set up a light meal at her house that she doesn't need to be present to serve, so the guests have something to do, but it doesn't turn your rehearsal dinner into a miniature wedding.

 

[October2008bride]

Kimberly - first off thanks for your input. I can see what you meant about that first part seeming ungrateful, which isn''t how I intended it at all. I think the constant money discussions has desensitized me a little, and I wasn''t thinking about hwo that looked. I am grateful that there is a lot of help from our parents to pay, however the story behind the financial split is a little long in that FI''s parents are not contributing because they think the brides family should pay (based on *tradition*). That has always irked me. I understand if they can''t or don''t want to contribute. However, to expect to invite anyone they want on my parents bill, I think that is a little unreasonable. So after them having that type of understanding, that is why I got frustrated when they gave us a hard time about our rehearsal dinner list.

 

[havernell]

Date: 5/20/2008 9:34:07 AM
Author:October2008bride

Should I just suck it up? Or should I stand firm that this is not the time to entertain OOT guests who I don't know - and that we can do something else, like a cocktail party after?

We also have a lot of OOT guests and I think we will be doing some kind of informal cocktail party after the rehearsal dinner so all of the OOT guest can come socialize/have something to do on Friday night without being invited to the actual dinner. We haven't worked out details yet (still a year away) but I think it may be as simple as saying to people "come meet us in the hotel bar area at 8pm to say hello and start the weekend off right" implying that drinks will be on peoples' own tab (unless FMIL & FFIL have room in their budget after funding the rehearsal dinner to cover these drinks). I think that's a good compromise. Crossing my fingers that your mom agrees!

I personally agree that rehearsal dinners should primarily be for the bridal party and close family, not every out-of-town guest who just happens to be in town already. I mean, these people are adults, they don't need to be babysat, you know? They can find a restaurant to go out to dinner or find something else to occupy their time! If you wanted to, you could supply your guests with a list of nearby restaurants and other things to do on Friday (i.e. local sites of interest, movie theaters, etc...) if your Mom fears that OOT guests really would have a problem finding things to do to entertain themselves for a few hours.

Good luck working things out!!

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry you''re going through this, honey. I had a similar problem myself, and FI and I just ended up saying we''re paying for the rehearsal ourselves.

You do not have to invite OOT guests to the rehearsal. If that''s something a couple chooses to do, it makes for a very nice gesture, but it is certainly not necessary.

Good luck with negotiating this difficult territory, and watch out for those landmines.

 

[October2008bride]

Thanks so much Havernall and Haven! FI and I wouldn''t mind paying for it ourselves - however it is the aftermath of that decision that wouldn''t be fun. I feel kind of cornered by my parents (since they are footing the bill for the wedding) and don''t want to insult FI''s parents. FI''s parents definitely came around, so if nothing changed, we should be fine. However, havign to go back to them with an additional 15 people will NOT be fun.

I''m going to have to chat with my dad this week to see if we can get this sorted out.

Ugh.

Sometimes weddings bring out the worst in people (including me!). I know this isn''t terrible, but it is just too bad that everyone is worrying about things that usually wouldn''t be an issue. Who''s name goes on the invite, how we word things, a constant discussion about who paid for what. Ugh. Not fun eh?

 

[sumbride]

What region of the country are you in?

I ask because in the south (Texas, specifically) it is considered rude to not invite the out of towners to the RD. We almost came to blows with my MIL over this, and in the end, she didn''t contribute a dime, but we were happy because we got what we wanted. There were about 100 people at my RD. Most of them were family, but we also had the whole bridal party, and their spouses/guests, and our close friends that were flying in. They spent all the money and time traveling and we wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. We even rented a bus to get everyone to the event, and that was, according to my DH, the best part of the whole wedding weekend. Spending time with all our friends and family that flew there just to be with us... it was so special. We didn''t have a lot of time to give them at the wedding, so the RD was a nice way to do it. Ours was very casual and not all that expensive, so it wouldn''t work for everyone, but it was just what we wanted. and my MIL is still mad. Oh well, I don''t care.

Good luck to you and I hope you get what you want!

 

[October2008bride]

I''m in Canada - I guess I don''t know what the traditions are here - however my parents obviously think the OOTers should be included, and FILs definitely think not.

Maybe a part of the issue is that the OOTers of my parents are only my parents friends and are being invited because of that relationship - hence why I think that the RD will turn into an event where we spend our time meeting people we''ve never met, as opposed to being about spending time with the close group of family and friends as a thank you for all of their help/involvement.

Hmm...

Thanks everyone for their input so far.

 

[calidaisy]

we''re planning to invite all the OOT guests to our RD because i think it''s easier to spend quality time with them at RD than at the wedding. plus, some people won''t be able to make it to the brunch the day after due to their flight schedules, etc.

i agree with your views on RD, but if i were you ... instead of arguing with my parents about their friends--especially since they are paying for the wedding, i''ll go back to FMIL and let her know that you feel frustrated with 15 more OOT guests your mother insists on adding but that you don''t feel like it''s right to uninvite them since she''s paying for the wedding ... and thereby, if adding 15 more people will cause too much inconvenience on your FMIL''s part, you''d be happy to pay for the extra 15 guests and see how she reacts.

i don''t know ... but i hope it all works out.

 

[cara]

Inviting OOT guests to the RD is optional. However, your parents are not hosting this event, you are not hosting this event, so neither of you is fully in charge of the guest list. The hosts get to choose who to invite, and you get to choose whether or not to let them host if they are being unreasonable or you want a different event.

But in this case, I think you should really hold the line with your mother on these extra guests.

Especially since its clear that your FILs are traditional in their viewpoint AND want a limited guest count. You went to bat and got all the important people invited to the RD, and don''t really want these extra people so there it is. They get to entertain themselves on that night, and celebrate with you the next night, and see people at the following brunch.

This is from someone who choose to invite EVERYONE to the RD, as it was quite a drive/fly for all our guests. But I knew it was optional. As a normal OOT guest at a wedding, I generally expect to be invited to one additional thing besides the wedding, but not necessarily dinner. Could be drinks sometime or a brunch or something, but you have that covered.

 

[October2008bride]

Okay, what if my godmother (who is friends with half of the OOTers) hosted a dinner that night for my parents, and then we had a cocktail organized after (like Havernall suggested) at the hotel that we can go to ?

As an OOT guest, would you feel ''taken care of''?

I agree with my parents that it is the right/nice thing to do, I just think that the RD is not necessarily the right place to do it.

 

[purrfectpear]

You do still sound ticked about the FI parent''s level of contribution.

Just to clear the air, traditionally the brides parents foot the entire bill for the wedding. As far as inviting guests, many people decide how many invites are available and split those 50/50. It''s tacky (though not unheard of) for the brides parents to treat the grooms parents as "less than equal" in terms of # of invitees based soley on the fact that the brides parents are paying. It just isn''t gracious. Also traditional, the groom''s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. The reason they call it "rehearsal" dinner is that it is supposed to be for the wedding party only (and their spouses/SO).

It is not called the "let''s have a party and invite all the OT people to eat" dinner. If the bride''s parents would like to entertain the OT guests, they should do so on their own dime.

Certainly there is nothing "equitable" about the division of wedding expenses between marrying off a daughter vs. a son. That''s just the tradional way. Personally I would be grateful that my parents were able to provide a wedding, and that the grooms parents were willing to host the RD.

A lot of couples these days are footing the bill themselves.

 

[Linda W]

My cousin''s daughter just had a fancy wedding in Ojai. On Thursday evening they had a cocktail party for everyone, this included all the out-of-towners. On Friday night, the RD was just for the wedding party and whoever they had agreed to invite. Saturday was the wedding.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 5/20/2008 4:22:35 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You do still sound ticked about the FI parent''s level of contribution.

Just to clear the air, traditionally the brides parents foot the entire bill for the wedding. As far as inviting guests, many people decide how many invites are available and split those 50/50. It''s tacky (though not unheard of) for the brides parents to treat the grooms parents as ''less than equal'' in terms of # of invitees based soley on the fact that the brides parents are paying. It just isn''t gracious. Also traditional, the groom''s parents pay for the rehearsal dinner. The reason they call it ''rehearsal'' dinner is that it is supposed to be for the wedding party only (and their spouses/SO).

It is not called the ''let''s have a party and invite all the OT people to eat'' dinner. If the bride''s parents would like to entertain the OT guests, they should do so on their own dime.

Certainly there is nothing ''equitable'' about the division of wedding expenses between marrying off a daughter vs. a son. That''s just the tradional way. Personally I would be grateful that my parents were able to provide a wedding, and that the grooms parents were willing to host the RD.

A lot of couples these days are footing the bill themselves.

I understand how someone would think I was ungrateful, however I do feel that neither set of parents is obligated to contribute. I get that. I am lucky my parents had the money put aside to give us enough to have a wedding. While some people think I should just be grateful for whatever contribution we get (which I am), what I don''t agree with is FIL''s not contributing based solely on some antiquated tradition. If it was because the couldn''t, or even just wouldn''t, that would be different. However to choose not to contribute because my parents should be the ones to pay, well, I don''t know. It just isn''t what I would do.

However, it is what it is. We do feel very lucky that we are able to have a wedding without going into debt.

As far as the guest numbers go, the FIL''s get the same number of guests that my parents get. And honestly, it wasn''t so much that my parents wanted to be fair to my FILs as it was to be fair to my FI. They are giving US a wedding, not just me. Hence why everything is even as between my family and his.

Either way, I was hoping to get some advice about who typically is invited to a RD, and whether or not having a cocktail for the OOTers would be a nice way to thank them in lieu of inviting them to the RD.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 5/20/2008 4:46:09 PM
Author: Linda W
My cousin''s daughter just had a fancy wedding in Ojai. On Thursday evening they had a cocktail party for everyone, this included all the out-of-towners. On Friday night, the RD was just for the wedding party and whoever they had agreed to invite. Saturday was the wedding.

Thanks Linda. Honestly, if we''d been able to have the RD on Thursday, and OOT dinner on Friday, we would have. Unfortnately we can''t do that (church restrictions on the Thurs), but thanks for the input - good to know that a cocktail for the OOTers is an option.

Thanks!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/20/2008 10:14:19 AM
Author: October2008bride
Kimberly - first off thanks for your input. I can see what you meant about that first part seeming ungrateful, which isn''t how I intended it at all. I think the constant money discussions has desensitized me a little, and I wasn''t thinking about hwo that looked. I am grateful that there is a lot of help from our parents to pay, however the story behind the financial split is a little long in that FI''s parents are not contributing because they think the brides family should pay (based on *tradition*). That has always irked me. I understand if they can''t or don''t want to contribute. However, to expect to invite anyone they want on my parents bill, I think that is a little unreasonable. So after them having that type of understanding, that is why I got frustrated when they gave us a hard time about our rehearsal dinner list.

Oct, I''m so glad my point about who is paying came across as intended. Financial situations and family are never easy, especially when they are surrounded by the emotional charge of a wedding.

I think having your aunt host a meal for OOT guests, and then everyone meeting for cocktails later is a great compromise. I hope it works out for you.

 

[surfgirl]

It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.

As for a separate dinner for OOT guests, I would feel like I wasn't good enough for the RD if I was an OOT guest at your wedding. But that's just me. Where I come from you would never not invite OOT's to your RD. I know you're Canadian but are your parents, or your mom, from the US? Perhaps that's why it's important to her.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM
Author: surfgirl
It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.


As for a separate dinner for OOT guests, I would feel like I wasn''t good enough for the RD if I was an OOT guest at your wedding. But that''s just me. Where I come from you would never not invite OOT''s to your RD. I know you''re Canadian but are your parents, or your mom, from the US? Perhaps that''s why it''s important to her.

Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.

According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.

My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!

It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 5/20/2008 8:52:37 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM
Author: surfgirl
It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.


As for a separate dinner for OOT guests, I would feel like I wasn''t good enough for the RD if I was an OOT guest at your wedding. But that''s just me. Where I come from you would never not invite OOT''s to your RD. I know you''re Canadian but are your parents, or your mom, from the US? Perhaps that''s why it''s important to her.

Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.

According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.

My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!

It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

Phew. When I read Surf''s post I got a little nervous. I did quite a bit of reading too about what is *right* and I came across a lot where it is nice to invite the OOTers to the RD, but not necessary. If I was an OOT guest, I wouldn''t think I should be included for the RD, and I think I''d be happy that they''d organized anything outside of the wedding itself.

I talked to my parents tonight, and they have agreed with me. We are going to put OOT packages in each room (as we were going to do anyways) that have snacks etc and a list of restaurants/places to go etc. We will have the informal cocktail in the hotel bar on Friday night, the wedding on Saturday and a brunch on the Sunday. I hope that is gracious enough and that the guests have a good time.

Man, this etiquette mixed with emotions stuff is tough!

 

[Haven]

Your plan sounds lovely, October, and I think you and your parents will make wonderful hosts.

 

[doodle]

Date: 5/20/2008 8:52:37 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM



Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.


According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.


My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!


It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

graciously and politely put, haven. well-done! i find the whole battle of who pays for what interesting anyway because so much of it has changed drastically in the past few years. nowadays, people think of it like "the bride''s family pays for the wedding and the groom''s family covers the RD" but that wasn''t always the case. my mother gave me an etiquette book from the 1950s (it was a textbook of my grandmother''s if you can believe that!) and it has an entire section on weddings in it. traditionally, the groom or his family paid for the bridal bouquet and corsages for the mothers, all flowers for the ushers, fathers, and himself, paying for the RD was optional, and in many cases the cost of beverages at the reception was also covered by the groom''s side. there were others, too, but those were the ones that i thought some of you may be surprised to hear, haha.

as far as the OOT go, i think hosting something separate for them is extremely gracious, and i personally like limiting the RD to people who are actually involved in the wedding, although i know in some places it is frowned upon. but to hell with it; i live in georgia, some of FI''s family is coming in from Puerto Rico, and we''re still not inviting all the OOT because we have so many, it''d be like having a second reception!

i should also mention that i''m a troublemaker, hehe!


~*~Counting down the days until October 11th!~*~

 

[AmberGretchen]

I know I''m a little late to this, but I think your solution sounds nice, and I agree that it is a choice about inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. My DH and I are going to the wedding of some good friends in June, and they are having an afternoon hors d''oeuvres reception the day before the wedding - DH and I think this will be very nice and are not at all offended that we aren''t invited to the rehearsal dinner (in fact, this will be our first time together back at our alma mater where we, and also the bride and groom, met and started dating, so I think it would be romantic to check out some of our old haunts).

That said, I think its great that you are planning to have cocktails the night before the wedding after the RD - DH and I had a room set aside in the bar of the hotel where we and many of our OOT guests were staying for the night before the wedding, and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the whole weekend - very relaxed and casual, and it gave us a chance to catch up with OOT guests and friends we hadn''t seen in a while (and those we had seen too), and was a lot of fun.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 5/21/2008 12:52:46 AM
Author: AmberGretchen
I know I''m a little late to this, but I think your solution sounds nice, and I agree that it is a choice about inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. My DH and I are going to the wedding of some good friends in June, and they are having an afternoon hors d''oeuvres reception the day before the wedding - DH and I think this will be very nice and are not at all offended that we aren''t invited to the rehearsal dinner (in fact, this will be our first time together back at our alma mater where we, and also the bride and groom, met and started dating, so I think it would be romantic to check out some of our old haunts).

That said, I think its great that you are planning to have cocktails the night before the wedding after the RD - DH and I had a room set aside in the bar of the hotel where we and many of our OOT guests were staying for the night before the wedding, and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the whole weekend - very relaxed and casual, and it gave us a chance to catch up with OOT guests and friends we hadn''t seen in a while (and those we had seen too), and was a lot of fun.

Thanks AmberGretchen...this made me feel better too!

I just hope that ever decision we make isn''t such a contentious one as between our two families.

My BIL says this is a right of passage - this is what we have to go through to be able to fully ''divorce'' our parents and become our own family unit. haha.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/20/2008 8:52:37 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM

Author: surfgirl

It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.

Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.


According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.


My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!


It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

It''s totally a REGIONAL thing. You can''t go by a book that may not apply to your area. I can bet that Judith Martin isn''t much of a Texan, but not being invited to an RD in Texas is absolutely an insult to an OOT guest. That''s why I asked what region the OP was from. There is no black and white ironclad rule here. As with most things wedding, it varies by circle, by region, and by culture.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 5/21/2008 9:14:49 AM
Author: October2008bride

Date: 5/21/2008 12:52:46 AM

Author: AmberGretchen

I know I''m a little late to this, but I think your solution sounds nice, and I agree that it is a choice about inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. My DH and I are going to the wedding of some good friends in June, and they are having an afternoon hors d''oeuvres reception the day before the wedding - DH and I think this will be very nice and are not at all offended that we aren''t invited to the rehearsal dinner (in fact, this will be our first time together back at our alma mater where we, and also the bride and groom, met and started dating, so I think it would be romantic to check out some of our old haunts).


That said, I think its great that you are planning to have cocktails the night before the wedding after the RD - DH and I had a room set aside in the bar of the hotel where we and many of our OOT guests were staying for the night before the wedding, and it was honestly one of my favorite parts of the whole weekend - very relaxed and casual, and it gave us a chance to catch up with OOT guests and friends we hadn''t seen in a while (and those we had seen too), and was a lot of fun.

Thanks AmberGretchen...this made me feel better too!


I just hope that ever decision we make isn''t such a contentious one as between our two families.


My BIL says this is a right of passage - this is what we have to go through to be able to fully ''divorce'' our parents and become our own family unit. haha.

I think your BIL is absolutely right. I hate to say it, but most weddings involve more than their fair share of drama, and I think that the transition you are making away from your own family and into a "new" family is absolutely part of it.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/21/2008 9:28:53 AM
Author: sumbride

Date: 5/20/2008 8:52:37 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM

Author: surfgirl

It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.

Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.


According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.


My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!


It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

It''s totally a REGIONAL thing. You can''t go by a book that may not apply to your area. I can bet that Judith Martin isn''t much of a Texan, but not being invited to an RD in Texas is absolutely an insult to an OOT guest. That''s why I asked what region the OP was from. There is no black and white ironclad rule here. As with most things wedding, it varies by circle, by region, and by culture.

I understand that traditions are regional, Sumbride, which is exactly why I stated that the information I was giving was from a book rather than just saying what is and isn''t acceptable. I was merely responding to Surf''s post about what is "good manners". I thought that was self-evident in my response.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/21/2008 10:07:08 AM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/21/2008 9:28:53 AM

Author: sumbride

Date: 5/20/2008 8:52:37 PM

Author: Haven

Date: 5/20/2008 8:02:40 PM


Author: surfgirl


It is customary and considered good manners to always invite the OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner. They ARE flying and driving in for your wedding so it is considered considerate to provide them with dinner which is why OOTs ar always invited to the RD, along with the bridal party.

Actually, Surf, I may have to disagree with you for the first time ever.



According to all of the etiquette and manners books I''ve ever read (which is embarrassingly a LOT of reading), inviting OOT guests to the RD is not customary, nor does omitting these guests from the RD mean you have bad manners. In fact, this is a relatively new thing for people to do, and Judith Martin (Miss Manners herself) disdains this practice. Most of the manners-born prefer to invite only the wedding party to the RD and, if you are so kind, host a separate event for the OOT guests.



My family, however, always invites the OOT guests to the RD because, well, that''s just what we do!



It is a very kind thing to do, however, and I have to say that any OOT guest who is offended by being invited to a separate pre-wedding meal than the RD is just not being very gracious, IMHO.

It''s totally a REGIONAL thing. You can''t go by a book that may not apply to your area. I can bet that Judith Martin isn''t much of a Texan, but not being invited to an RD in Texas is absolutely an insult to an OOT guest. That''s why I asked what region the OP was from. There is no black and white ironclad rule here. As with most things wedding, it varies by circle, by region, and by culture.

I understand that traditions are regional, Sumbride, which is exactly why I stated that the information I was giving was from a book rather than just saying what is and isn''t acceptable. I was merely responding to Surf''s post about what is ''good manners''. I thought that was self-evident in my response.

I guess that''s why I''ve always seen etiquette books as a crock of ****. They only apply to the person writing them and their limited experience.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/21/2008 10:15:33 AM
Author: sumbride

I guess that''s why I''ve always seen etiquette books as a crock of ****. They only apply to the person writing them and their limited experience.

That''s funny, because the input that people give on here is and can only be based on their own limited experience, yet I value everyone''s opinions here on PS very much.

I was just trying to provide one more POV, Sum, and I didn''t realize that it wasn''t going to be valued because it came from a book rather than from my own experience. I''m surprised by your response, actually. I was just trying to reassure October that her decision would not be considered rude in all circles, and to give her some support.

Isn''t the point of this thread to gather info from various sources to help October make a decision?

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/21/2008 10:37:12 AM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/21/2008 10:15:33 AM

Author: sumbride


I guess that''s why I''ve always seen etiquette books as a crock of ****. They only apply to the person writing them and their limited experience.

That''s funny, because the input that people give on here is and can only be based on their own limited experience, yet I value everyone''s opinions here on PS very much.


I was just trying to provide one more POV, Sum, and I didn''t realize that it wasn''t going to be valued because it came from a book rather than from my own experience. I''m surprised by your response, actually. I was just trying to reassure October that her decision would not be considered rude in all circles, and to give her some support.


Isn''t the point of this thread to gather info from various sources to help October make a decision?

Yes, it is, but what I took from your post is that there WAS a universal rule. There isn''t. October has been presented with many many opinions and I hope they have been helpful to her, but as we all come from different circles, backgrounds and regions, there is no universal truth, book or no, and I think that calling the manners books as a definitive answer was inaccurate. People are going to feel differently about these issues, even within the same area, so there is no "perfect" solution. I''m not trying to fight with you Haven, I just don''t see Miss Manners as the answer here.