HELP on New Marriage issues and Communication

[looking4answers]

I''m new here, and see that some of you have given such amazing insight, analysis and advice. Perhaps you can help me with some perspective. Nothing major has happened with us, we''re just struggling with communication and sometimes it''s scary since I didn''t expect things to be bumpy so early on in marriage.

Some background: we dated 4 years before marriage, both of us are older (but never married). He''s 44, I''m 35. From the beginning we''ve both been quite independent, reserved, not very affectionate. Both of us came from households which were happy, but not publicly affectionate. I''m an emotional person (he''s not), I just tend to bottle it up till I feel safe. I believe my husband has typical male tendencies (shuts me out, doesn''t like to talk, thinks I''m too sensitive/emotional, prone to outbursts), but sometimes I think it''s also something bigger..and that he has issues with communication and intimacy. In dark moments I wonder if he just doesn''t love me enough. In a nutshell, he is not at all affectionate. It was acceptable in the beginning (early dating), but as things grew more serious and I was able to feel "safe" I expressed a need for it. Some hand holding, or reaching out for me when we''re asleep, or an I love you, or something romantic once in awhile. There is none of that. He says that''s how he is. Again, he has had no traumatic issues in his past, it''s just apparently his style. Through our dating and engagement, we''d have had conflicts over it, but always said we''d work on it, and it could get past it. And I figured I could and would accept that part of him.

But now we''re married, and sometimes I feel very alone even though we are always together. He says he needs space and doesn''t like to talk sometimes. But that on top of very little affection (sex is regular, but to me that''s just something that happens in the dark, and we go through dry spells too. I think it''s related to the disconnect) and his request for even more space, makes me wonder sometimess why it''s such work to be with me. I''m sure he does love me--he married me, right? But once in awhile I want to feel it or hear it! Even in the smallest ways (maybe a card, a glance, a brush around my waist). I tell him this, but he goes silent and then I just say "ok, can we try to work on this, just a little? It would help me, it''s not your fault..just something I''d really appreciate". But there''s never any action.

So I''ve babbled on quite a bit here. To wrap things up, I sent him an email today (after a week of no connecting and some tension/lots of talks) saying I appreciate him letting me talk everything out. And that I just wanted to say "I love you" since I don''t say it enough, and I''d like to do say it more often. Well he wrote back that I should always feel okay about talking and that he "needs to remind himself that he loves me and that it''s okay to talk things out" or something like that. Well the "need to remind myself that I love you" really bothered me, but I let it go. Do you girls think that''s something I should be bothered by. Or am I overanalysing again as I''m sure he would say.
Help!!!! Marriage is work so far. I know it''ll be worth it, but it''s a big challenge. Thank you.

 

[phoenixgirl]

My guess is that it was a typo of sorts . . . he was echoing your language. Perhaps he was just trying to be responsive and meant to say that he needed to be reminded that you love him.

If not, it is weird. But with email, it''s so hard to tell tone and intent and it''s easy to misintepret, and all we have is your paraphrase of what he said. I agree that it''s an odd thing to say, but I don''t think I''d read too much into one statement.

Of course, that still leaves you dissatisfied with your physical and emotional intimacy. I think that your email was a great example of the golden rule -- trying to act the way you want him to act. If you want more cuddling/I love you''s, then I''d initiate them as much as I''d ask for them. Hopefully as you "practice" cuddling and being more affectionate, it''ll become more second nature for him.

And of course, counseling couldn''t hurt.

 

[Sabine]

Although his phrase does sound odd, please don''t focus on the exact wording (and it definitely could have been a typo) and recognize that he IS trying to communicate. For someone who does not seem to have a lot of practice expressing himself and his emotions, this is a good attempt, and I think you should be happy that he is trying. Us gals are used to it, we''ve had lots of practice, but as our loving guys struggle to learn to put their thoughts into words, it can take a while for the words to sound exactly how we want them, if they ever do. I also agree that you should try to be the one to initiate the intimacy, even though that sounds counterproductive. It would take him initiating to convince you that that''s what he wants, but he probably needs to get used to being so open first before he is anywhere near ready to be the initiator (is that even a word?)

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi there!

OK, so first of all, that''s an awesome e-mail from him if he has trouble saying these thing. And it seems to me pretty clear that he just left out the word BECAUSE as in "I need to remind myself that [BECAUSE] I love you it''s OK to talk things out."

I''m about 95% certain that''s what he meant, because it fits the context and is the sort of word-leaving-out thing that is pretty common.

Please take this as a GREAT sign and go snuggle your husband. He''s trying!

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto IG''s first of all (he isn''t saying he needs to remind himself he loves you, he''s reminding himself to talk to you).

Second, who he is, an unaffectionate person, has nothing to do with how he feels about you. Some people just are, and knowing that you''re going to have to be the initiatior. That doesn''t mean long, drawn out talks about why, it means be the first to grab his hand, give him a kiss good morning, etc. My guess is if you do this, after a while it will start to feel more natural and he will respond in kind.

It''s that whole we get what we give thing or being the change we want to see, or some cliche along those lines.

My best to you.

 

[asscherisme]

How is he around other people? Is he outgoing or an introvert by nature? What type of job does he have? Trying to figure out the big picture before I can give more advice. When you get upset or cry over something, how does he react? Does he comfort you, or act like he does not understand why you are getting upset and just leave you alone? Did HE call you overly emotional? Is that his label of you? Does he have a lot of friends and how does he connect with them? Do other people misunderstand him? I''m going somewhere and have a hunch from reading your post of something but before I throw it out there, more info would be helfpul.