that sucks. I get along fairly well with MFML, but i can relate to your feeling that she is so drastically different from her son.
my only advice to you is to discuss it a little with your FI and set limits with her. If you live close by you need to be on the same page as your hubby. If he takes sides and thinks his mom can do no wrong you are in for one hell of a ride (my best friend is going thru this now and it is straining their relationship). If he is feeling the same way as you, you guys can figure out how to limit her negative impact on your lives.
Hate is a strong word. Did you only meet her AFTER the engagement ... or was this already an issue in your lives?
One thing I try to remember when dealing with someone I "hate": what we dislike most about other people is actually what we dislike most about ourselves. Another technique: envision the hated person as a tiny, helpless baby & treat them as gingerly & with as much compassion as you''d treat an infant --or-- if it helps, a stomping tantrum-throwing toddler. Thirdly ... act on your goal, not your feelings/emotions. If your goal is to build a relationship with her -- don''t sabatoge your own efforts by "acting out" back at her. Fourthly ... get over the idea stuff "should" be "fair" ... or that she "should" return your efforts/overture etc. "Should" is useless. You only control yourself.
I sometimes wonder how such a moronic thoughtless self-centered creature could have given birth to and raised my wonderful husband. My MIL is a total nightmare (I have objective outside opinions on this and was warned by his friends on our 2nd date about her!) sometimes I wonder if she does things to annoy me and piss me off on purpose. Sometimes I just think she is an idiot.
However we are moving 4 hours away from where she lives (yes I am stealing her son away! HA HA!
I am Satan NOW!) so at least she won't be right around the corner when we go through the fun of buying a house, having kids, etc.
Definitely, living farther than a local call away will help the situation.
My MIL is nice enough if you only have to spend 5 minutes with her. We''ve always lived a long distance phone call, and generally hundreds of miles away. I''ve never really had to deal with her for more than a long weekend. A week once when our kids were small. The old adage, "Fish and Company stink after 3 days",....... Well let''s just say, we stayed too long with the kids.
But seriously, my MIL is manipulative too. She also makes snide remarks under the guise of "Oh she didn''t mean it in a bad way. She just stumbles when she speaks." says her sons. Hubby and his brother. When we''ve stayed at their house, I know she''ll go thru our things if we leave to visit friends or run an errand. As in roots thru our suitcases and toiletries bag to see what may be hidden in amongst our clothes and things.
Hubby and I married before I knew his folks very well. Believe you me, it cost me a time or 2 before I learned how to deal with her. At least you know in advance what you''re getting into.
Mine is pretty wretched. self centered, rude, thinks she is all important, manipulative, conniving...you name it. Thinks I am too dumb to catch on to her passive aggressive game playing...terrible grandmother, never cares about anyone else''s needs or feelings...
I have been married 16 years...she was NEVER nice to me, and now sees that she screwed up royally. Everything she has (new car, new plasma tv, nice vacactions) are because I agree to it with my hubby...NOW she has learned that being nice to me is a smart thing to do...but at core she is still quite nasty and also is not that bright, but thinks she is a GENIUS. Never admits she is wrong, EVER, which is a lot, and says things that are so moronic you wonder if you are on Candid Camera (or being Punked for the new generation)...you cannot imagine someone is THAT clueless...and thinks they know EVERYTHING. I just go selectively deaf now when she visits...and thank god for caller ID is all I can say...
HAHAHAHA!!! I know what you mean... sigh... this does happen, and for some reason the MIL is absolutely insane while the son is a wonderful, sweet, and caring individual. Maybe once she gets to know you better the two of you will warm up to each other. My mother in law told me that I was manipulative and selfish toward my now DH, and this was right before we got engaged. So I countered with, no more than you (she has also said some very emotionally abusive things to him throughout the years). A word of advice, do NOT do this, haha. For a second I really thought she was going to hit me because you could see in her eyes that she REALLY wanted to. I think the only thing you can do, other than be sincerely nice to her, is to discuss it with your FI. In the end I think it has to be HIM that stands up for you and your relationship together because sometimes MIL sees the new FI as the intruder. It took my DH yelling at his mother (he couldn''t take it anymore either!) and having several serious conversations with her before we got to a place where we could talk with civility and sincerity. Now we actually get along quite swimmingly, and the mean MIL only seems to flare every once in a while. Not to mention, we live 2500 miles away. That does WONDERS for the relationship. Good luck!
My FMIL is best at a distance. She''s got some VERY VERY redeeming qualities. But she''s a narrow minded bigot. Now two ways about it. With distance... that fact about her isn''t in your face so she''s bearable and even likable (if you completely forget the narrow minded bigot thing... which I usually can''t). FI? One of the most accepting, open minded, least prejudiced people I''ve ever met. I can''t figure it out.
LOVE the title of the post BTW.
Oh... I have admit that MY mother... is a complete nut-job. Total wacko. His at least is predictable... mine crazy, bitchy, micro managining control freak and unpredictable to boot. I frequently think I''ve got the better end of the deal.
Wait...you''re not talking about my FMIL...I have to remember that.
Mine....well...she''s a total nut job to her family and my bf - but not to me (to my face) I''m waiting until he proposes until she becomes the mother-in-law-zilla about the wedding.
Here''s some fun examples of how crazy she is:
When I met his parents, we all went to a restaurant. I met his sister and brother before the meeting with the parents so I knew most of them already. The brother walks up to us as we get to the table, she leaves real quick, he says, "Don''t look her in the eye...she can sense fear." Her own sister says...."If you''re smart, you''ll run. FAST."
My bf had to be hospitalized for a routine surgery at the hospital where she works, granted we''d only been dating for 5 months at that point - she went around the ENTIRE hospital introducing me as her FDIL.
At Thanksgiving, we told her we''d be going to her mom''s house with the rest of her family. She didn''t want to go, she just "didn''t want to be around her toxic family." My bf calls his sister as we''re drivng there and she told us that FMIL rushed everyone out of the house because she HAD to go to her mom''s for dinner. Of course, we arrive before they do and Grandma wouldn''t have anything with her, and I was the center of attention (always done on purpose because Grandma loves to piss off FMIL and FMIL can''t STAND to be upstaged by me to her family).
At Christmas, she fully refused to buy presents for her sisters and their small kids...but then she went all out on our presents.
There''s more...but I''m in the same boat you are. I think she likes me because I just let it go in one ear and out the other and don''t really pay attention to her. I''m sure I''ll have worse horror stories once we become engaged...so watch out!
Ughhh the FMIL! Im kind of in two minds about mine. She makes a huge effort with me, always makes sure that D''s treating me well and I am at their house a huge amount of time and she is always lovely...BUT I also think that she is very manipulative with D. If they are going to his uncles and he doesnt want to go, she will be like, if you dont go to this, I wont do X that you need done. This makes him not want to go more. That would be the one thing that really annoys me about her. There is no need for that sort of stuff. I would love to have a MIL that I could really really get along well with. I like her but she could be better.
i feel your pain!!!
my FMIL is critical and extremely judegemental, but i would have to say her daughter (FSIL) is a she-devil in disguise.
I''ve been dating my honey for almost 9 years (high school sweetheart) and all through those years they made sure that i know my place (outsider, and 2nd priority) they lke to use the "family comes first" "i borned and raised you(mom)" " I helped raised you (sis)" line every chance they get. What is with the women in our men lives? is it jealousy over affection? they feel threaten that another women is replacing them? or that they no longer have control over them? i dun know but for some reason they don''t get that the relationship i have with him is different from theirs so why can''t they stop competing or comparing? His sister always get jealous when my fi gets me nice gifts...well i''m about to reveal my e -ring to them and i;m not even ready to answer the nosy questions that will be waiting for me .."how much is it?" if i don''t tell them, you better believe their gonna try to get it out of my fi~~ I''m so glad im not alone in this....
OMG I wrote the BOOK on that ONE! Yikes. Let me tell you, you will need to be strong and firm and set boundaries YESTERDAY. And make sure you and hubby are on the same page, if she is manipulative, then you KNOW she will exploit any weakness she senses between you on whatever issue. For it to work (limit setting) she needs to see he backs you up. Good luck...it of course can work out fine, but 16 plus years later trust me mine is no picnic but I have set the rules and she behaves much better now.
You poor things - my sister has the MIL from Hell, so I know how bad it can be.
I''ve always been really lucky, all my ex''s mothers have been so nice to me (I even lived with one for 2 years - she used to tell her son he wasn''t good enough for me (she was so right
FI''s mother has 4 sons and I think always wanted a daughter, now FI and elder brother are engaged and younger 2 have GF''s and she is so happy. She is so worried about interferring and asks permission all the time. Or, maybe I''m just really frightening!
I''ve got one of those too. Passive-agressive, critical, grudge-holding, gossip-spreading PITA.
My policy is just not to deal with her. FI and I figured this out after much grief where I just couldn''t fathom WHY she would treat me like this, until he eventually pointed out that she treats EVERYBODY like this. So he deals with her. He talks to her on the phone, he handles conflicts, and I stay back. Helps tremendously. She claims I''m the only one that "likes her". Ha.
The first time I met her, after almost a year of dating FI, I had several stitches in my hand after a household accident. She knew this ahead of time. I brought a pie... something I could mix with one hand, but I''m known for my cookies, so when I handed her the pie, she said "why didn''t you bring your cookies???" I held up my bandaged left hand and said "stitches!" FI actually had to cut my food for me at dinner and she was asking why I didn''t spend hours rolling out and decorating cookies with ONE hand? I knew then I was in for it. That was probably one of the least offensive things she''s said to me.
But, as FI reminds me often, you can''t rationalize with a crazy person. Don''t waste your breath on her.
We do plan to move somewhere far away before she gets too old. As long as one of his brothers lives closer, we''ll be ok.
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