Help! I have a monster-in-law!

[XChick03]

Hey everyone, I know its been a while. Mostly because we pushed the wedding back, but we''ve moved it back to our original date of June 2.

Now, I have a horrible situation and I remembered what great advice I always got here. Two days ago, my fiance''s sister, Gina, called him and basically tried to talk him out of marrying me. She made a bunch of accusations about me, none of which are true. When my fiance told me about the conversation, I got really upset, so he called his mother, because we both knew she was behind the whole thing. She basically said the same things as Gina, making awful assumptions about me and saying really stupid things that make no sense. My fiance is completely torn up over the whole thing and after I got done crying, I just got furious because these women are saying some very mean things about me when they''ve never even tried to get to know me. And even more so because of the back-handed way they went about this. I don''t understand why his mother couldn''t have just come to me and asked why I wanted to marry her son and if I really wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and stuff like that. That wouldn''t have upset me at all, but instead of being an adult about it, she decided to go behind my back and Peter''s back and get his sister to call and basically insult me when they know nothing about me.

I really cant understand for the life of me why they''re behaving like this. I''ve always had a feeling they didn''t like me, because like I said before, they''ve never even tried to get to know me. Anytime I go to their house for dinner or any other family function, I just get completely ignored like I''m not even there. I was/am so upset about this whole thing that I was almost ready to call off the entire wedding. I just really don''t know what my fiance and I should do about this whole situation.

 

[firebirdgold]

Is there anything in particular that they have a problem with like religion or ethnicity?

 

[Tali]

As difficult as this will be, I recommend you sit down with the two FIL''s and have a discussion. Try and find out where their concern/accusations are coming from, and be honest with them. If their criticisms/accusations are truly unfounded, you can explain why/how they are just that, and hope that they can put their preconceived ideas behind them. Doesn''t sound easy, even as I type it, but it''s one way to try and quickly come to resolution.

 

[LuvThatBling]

I am so sorry for you. Having dealt with a nasty MIL for over a decade, stories like yours always make me sad as I remember her little stunts when we were engaged.

Now having the benefit of hindsight, my advice is to ignore it. As long as your future husband understands what they are about, I would leave it alone. He apparently told them they were wrong and is going ahead with the wedding and, after all, dealing with his family is his problem. I don''t know about you, but if my mother called and abused my husband, *I* would deal with it myself. I wouldn''t expect my husband to do so as it''s really as issue between my mother and me, i.e. I am a grown adult who doesn''t need mommy''s abusive advice on how to run my own life.

The only way I would get involved would be if there were *genuine* misunderstandings that you think you can clear up to have a better understanding. I.e., they think you called Aunt Clara a hoe, when you asked her if she wanted to go, etc. But otherwise, I think paying it as little attention as possible is the best course. Having an argument, trying to convince them to like you when they already do not, is pointless IMO.

My other piece of advice, that I so dearly wish someone had told me, is not to let your future husband *ever* leave you alone with them. If they decide to turn nasty on you, or make crazy accusations against you later, you need him as a witness. Good luck with all this!

 

[Kaleigh]

My MIL used to be a monster, but we worked things out. I don''t think you can ignore this. I''d talk to your MIL and see what her concerns are. That''s what I would do anyway. Good luck!!

 

[larussel03]

I think I would at least try to talk to your FMIL and FSIL and if it doesnt help, from then on, ignore it, and just be nice when you see them (but not a**-kissing nice, just more like how you would treat someone you don''t really know that well nice). If they''re unwilling to accept you and your efforts to get them to like you, then there''s prob nothing that you can say to change their minds. Actions speak louder than words, so just be nice I guess...

 

[Efe]

Your fiance needs to nip this in the bud immediately. It is an issue with his family and it is his responsibility to fix it, not yours. I know that is easier said than done but I cannot urge you enough to see that this is taken care of. The way you start is the way you finish. If they get away with it this once, they will take it as a license to continue. The earlier advice about NEVER being left alone with them is spot on. It will save you alot of pain and aggravation. I so hope this turns around for you.

 

[bravesfan]

I am so sorry this is happening. (hugs) I would say talk to her face to face in a calm manner and try to figure out why she is saying the things she is saying. (I know--- easier said than done)

I was/am so upset about this whole thing that I was almost ready to call off the entire wedding.

Dont cancel the wedding though or else they win. They will have succeeded in "getting rid of you" and you would lose the man you love.

Good luck--- and keep us posted

 

[jesterjigger]

Your FI definitely needs to settle this. If you decide to have a meeting with the two women he should be there, AND doing most of the talking. My mom doesn''t get along with her MIL and my dad is kind of passive about it. I don''t know how it was years ago, but for the most part the stuff she says now are the babblings of a senile old woman, not stuff you can really take her to task for. But I know that HE has to be the one standing up for you to his mother. If my parents disliked my FI I would sure as hell put them in their place as far as what they can and cannot say to or about him. It really saddens me to read about stuff like this...I hope they come to their senses and act like adults soon, I can''t even imagine how stressful it must be to have this hanging over your head while you''re trying to plan your wedding.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 10/4/2006 4:08:27 PM
Author: BizouMom
Your fiance needs to nip this in the bud immediately. It is an issue with his family and it is his responsibility to fix it, not yours. I know that is easier said than done but I cannot urge you enough to see that this is taken care of. The way you start is the way you finish. If they get away with it this once, they will take it as a license to continue. The earlier advice about NEVER being left alone with them is spot on. It will save you alot of pain and aggravation. I so hope this turns around for you.

added advice

i limit time with the guilt-in-laws to one hour, "well, gotta go!..."
always get your own hotel room, and rental car if needed.

nip this in the bud NOW.

 

[XChick03]

I''m going to try and reply to most of this in one post.

First of all, they don''t have any specific reasons to dislike me. In fact, it seems like she''s just making up reasons. For example, one of the things she''s said is that she doesn''t want him to go into debt paying for my college when she already knows I have a trust from my family that will cover most of my grad school. And she said I was "mooching" off of him which is ridiculous because we''re living in my family''s house for free and I''m working my ass off while I''m in school to help pay bills.

My fiance has already spoken to his mother and told her that this wedding was going to happen with or without her and she had 9 months to get used to that idea. But he spoke to his sister earlier and didn''t mention the situation at all when she was really the nastier of the two. He expects me to talk to them and try to work this out and let them get to know me, but I feel its his family and I''ve already busted my butt trying to make these people like me. And I really don''t feel like being around the woman who is trying her damndest to ruin my wedding. She called me earlier today when I was in class and left a message that sounded so fake it was ridiculous, even he said so when he heard it. He really expects me to just get over this whole thing and pretend it didn''t happen, but at this point, I don''t see how I could ever like the crazy woman. I do agree we need to settle this matter soon though, because I''m afraid if we don''t this will just happen again even closer to the wedding day. I''m afraid to have a discussion with her, because I know I can''t really sit down and calmly talk to this woman over tea and talk about what her problem is and why she''s making so many false accusations about me.

 

[diamondfan]

I really feel for you. As much as I would want my future in laws to like me, (and I did want it, but gave up caring after years of crap) I would be FURIOUS that the stuff they were saying were lies. If someone dislikes you, whoever it is, sometimes it is chemistry and sometimes maybe they are basing it on something legit to them (or they can also have a screw loose!). The bigger issues are A: hubby to be needs to stick up for you, establishing boudaries, enforcing some sort of sanction if they do not abide by them and make them see this will NOT be tolerated. B: It should not fall on you to "get over it" or in any other way have to suck it up. THAT ship sailed when they lied and made stuff up to suit their crap. Did you ever confron them, like X and Y (mom and sis), I am really confused as to how my having a trust fund which pays for my school and us living in MY family''s house constitutes HIS going into debt for me or ME mooching...Guess I am a little fuzzy on how THAT works." I would make it clear that you are not going to be lied about or slandered, just because they are being snots. Maybe they are going to be cordially uninvited to the wedding if they do not get it together. I know it sounds harsh, but they are pretty vile and are trying to undermine you and your guy. If you love him and want to marry him, this has to be addressed and ASAP. Good luck, from someone who has an awful mother in law and had to really force the issues of boundaries and appropriate behaviour...you CAN do it, but you both have to be a team, a united front, and stand firm when they test you.

 

[LuvThatBling]

Hmmm...if I were you, I''d find a nice way to tell FI that it ain''t happening. It''s not your responsibility to fix *his* relationship with his family, which is essentially what he is trying to get you to do. Easy for him, hard for you.

You shouldn''t have to have a discussion that you don''t wish to have. If he wants to sort out things, and since it is his mother we''re discussing, he should try to reason with her, then tell him to go for it. If he wants you to be present, I would consider it, but there is no way I would agree to talk to them by yourself. That is simply an ambush in the making. I''ve been there, and it is a nasty business.

Otherwise, I''d tell him while you have every intention of being polite and respectful toward them, you see no reason to try to reason with the unreasonable nor kiss their hateful behinds when you aren''t the one causing the problem.

I do think you are right that you and your fiance need to come to an agreement about his family, and sooner rather than later. I don''t know that you ever really solve a difficult MIL; truth be told, mine is driving me crazy at the moment, but when you and your spouse/fiance are united, it makes the irritation much more bearable when you know you have your spouse''s support.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

As much as you don''t want to, you''ll probably have to play hard ball with them. My mother had the same problem with my father''s family. After years of hatred from them, she finally told them that they were not welcome in her home and should never speak to her again. You need to lay down the law to them right now or it could ruin your marriage.

 

[plantationcatt]

Oh, so much I could add to this, but I''m going to sum it up with: he MUST put his foot down. He MUST be on your side. When you get married yall will be a new family. His family will still love him even if he makes them angry...but trust me, if he is not willing to stand up for YOU, then you are not only going to have problems with his family, you will have serious problems in your relationship with him as well!

will add more later, when I''m not half asleep...good luck in the meantime, sweetie!