Help: condolence note for parents of a suicide

[Independent Gal]

So, as if I didn''t have enough drama in my life right now, I''ve just been informed that a young man who did some work for me from October to March was found dead in his apartment, apparently by suicide. I think I ought to send a note to his parents, but I really have no idea what to say. He seemed like such an upbeat, engaged, lively person. He always got his work done on time and did a good job. There were really no signs I detected that he was unhappy. Maybe something happened over the summer.

Do I tell them what a great young man he was? Or does that make it worse?

Or just keep it short: sorry for your loss.

help.

 

[tiffanytwisted]

Will they know who you are when they get the card? I would tell them that you worked with him at ____, what a great young man he was and that you are sorry for their loss.
WHat a sad story.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Tiffany, that sounds like a good way to go. I have no idea if his parents would have heard of me, so I''ll be sure to tell them who I am in the note.

 

[phoenixgirl]

It''s common to wonder what to say or write, but I think the best thing to do is to treat this as you would any other death, minus referencing the way he died. It''s worse if people don''t send condolences or share fond memories because of fear of offending the family. Because suicide has a stigma attached to it, I think they''ll want to know that he is remembered fondly for who he was when he was alive, not how he died, and they''ll appreciate hearing positive things he did recently because they''ll be looking for clues that they might have missed (and the positive memories will help counteract their instinct to blame themselves for "missing something").

The only things I wouldn''t mention are:
-- speculation about his state of mind
-- how you can understand or how you might have done the same thing in his shoes
-- your own loss of family members

(I know a young woman who wrote her boss when her boss lost her husband and said, "I know how hard it must be for you to lose your husband around Christmas. When I lost my grandmother at Christmas . . ." Not really helpful, I don''t think.)

I know you don''t know the parents, but if you do know anyone directly affected like a roommate or significant other, it''s great to send food. They''re in shock AND having to make all the arrangements for the funeral or cleaning out his apartment, etc., and they probably aren''t thinking about cooking or even ordering anything to eat. Flowers are nice too, but I think food is more practical, but obviously only if you are close to the survivors, not just the deceased.

 

[Independent Gal]

Great advice, Phoenix! Thanks.

 

[diamondfan]

I think this is such a shock and a terrible time that nothing is really going to diminish that, but having had a wonderful experience and association with their son, it would be special for them to hear that. I think any time you can spread some good comments and positive things that is helpful, it will be nice for them to hear that from you.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 7/7/2008 8:42:43 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think this is such a shock and a terrible time that nothing is really going to diminish that, but having had a wonderful experience and association with their son, it would be special for them to hear that. I think any time you can spread some good comments and positive things that is helpful, it will be nice for them to hear that from you.

Ditto, it is nice to know that even though you have lost someone you care about so much that others share in your pain as well.

 

[Pandora II]

When my ex of 7 years committed suicide a few months after I left him, I got quite a lot of letters from people.

Most people wrote telling me what they had thought of him, giving me advice to not be too hard on myself and stories of other people who had done the same. I pretty much appreciated everything that was written, and above all the people had taken the time to write at a point where I was rather losing it.

I wouldn''t stress too much about what you write - just write whatever comes naturally to you. Oh, and it''s not a problem to mention that it was a suicide. People tend to tiptoe around the subject and it almost makes it worse.

It drove me crazy when I needed to talk about it when I was at my parents at xmas (he killed himself at the end of the November) and my grandmother turned round and said ''let''s not discuss it, it''s just not nice to do things like that and you shouldn''t talk about it''.

Sometimes the more you mention something the less nightmarish it seems.

Obviously I''m talking from my own perspective here, but I know his parents felt in a similar way. People not mentioning it as a suicide can make it worse for parents as it can feel as if people are silently implying some kind of guilt, if that makes sense.

 

[Beacon]

Sad story!

The only thing to do is treat it like any other death and write a note that tells the parents that you knew their son and you valued him and your life was better by knowing him and you were very sorry to hear of his passing. They will be happy to know that many people cared about their son and miss him too. It''s terribly sad to be those parents, hard to imagine what they are going through, guilt, sorrow, etc.

 

[Independent Gal]

Thank you, everyone. You PSers are so invaluable. With your help and suggestions, I wrote the note and sent it, and now I just hope it brings to tiny bit of comfort to his parents.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/7/2008 2:13:21 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Thank you, everyone. You PSers are so invaluable. With your help and suggestions, I wrote the note and sent it, and now I just hope it brings to tiny bit of comfort to his parents.

I''m sure your note will give them great comfort. I have had experience with this first hand. And can tell you, what you wrote about your experiences were with their son, will be comforting. Not just for suicide, my DH lost his dad when he was only 11. When people even today, say I remember this and this about your father, it puts a smile on his face.

I am sorry for your loss, and will be praying for his family. I just saw this now, wish I had seen it earlier, but the advice you got was spot on. Ps''ers are a wise bunch!!

Take good care Indy, you have a lot going on.
If it''s any help to you, when I was pregnant with Ash, I had huge family stress. I asked my Doc about it, he said, she''s protected in a wonderful place, she won''t know the stress you are going through. Some how, that helped me, hope it helps you.

Of course you have to take good care of yourself, etc... But I was worried, that she would feel what I was going through...
Hoping the same for your Cub. You are going to be an awesome MOM.

HUGS!! Lisa