Help! brides''MOM-zilla!

[cleokizzy]

My mom is a gym buff and she loves to show it (think cleavage & tight-fighting tops with low-rise jeans). Although I also have the curves to flaunt as well, I''m more of the demure-conservative type. Normally, I have no issues with her flaunting her stuff but now that I''m planning for MY wedding... for once at least, I would like to be the ONLY center of attraction on my wedding day (with the exception of the groom!).

I''ve already picked out my gown - which i absolutely LOVE - and she has picked hers as well. Mine is a simple silhouette of lace with intricate beadwork. Hers is a mermaid-body-hugging silk gown with overall beading. If it weren''t for the bronze color, you would think that her dress is a wedding gown! Worse, she even reminds me that her gown costs twice as much and is more extravagant than mine!

I''ve noticed lately that whenever I tell her of my wedding plans - she always, ALWAYS, compares it with her "future wedding" (she''s not engaged but she''s seeing someone). Take for example, when I was telling her how me & FI are cutting costs on the flowers, she''d respond by "Oh, when I get married it''ll be with fresh flowers EVERYWHERE. I''ll use the most expensive blooms"... Or when we were talking about the local simple ceremony that I want, she would say "I''ll have mine in Tuscany". I''m really getting annoyed because she makes me feel like my first and only wedding is cheap and will never be extravagant!

I tried giving her subtle hints about what I feel but she did not get it. Then I gave her OBVIOUS hints and it seems like she refuses to acknowledge it! One time I told her directly to tone down the cleavage action for my wedding day and she flat out said "NO. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!?" and even acted as if I was asking her to jump off a cliff!

I''ve already enrolled the help of my close relatives to give hints to my mom that this is MY day and I am entitled to be "selfish" but apart from that... I''m at a loss! I really don''t know what to do!

Moms are supposed to be supportive of their daughters wedding... but what can I do if the mother refuses to give the stage to the BRIDE on HER WEDDING DAY???

 

[NuggetBrain]

It sounds like she's guzzling on the Haterade. She's probably very jealous that you're getting married, hence her bogarting the spotlight ("My flowers will be nicer, my wedding will be nicer, my dress is nicer..."). The idea that her daughter is getting married before her is probably causing her some issues - and it sounds like she's one of those ladies who doesn't relish the idea of getting older, so this is probably just serving to reinforce the fact that the years are passing. I really doubt there's much you can do about it, because she's probably not willing to accept the fact that she IS jealous. But if there is a family member that's more removed from the situation (like her own mother, or a sibling, or even one of her good friends) that would be willing to take up the issue, you could have them sit her down and let her know that having her twins hanging out at her daughter's wedding is completely inappropriate, and unless she wants to look tacky she'll cover them up. Its obvious that hints and suggestions aren't working - maybe she needs to be slammed with a verbal 2X4 to finally get the picture. You could also let her know that you're disappointed that she doesn't seem to be happy for your wedding, and is instead using this as a chance to make you feel bad about the entire thing. Tell her that you love her, but you really need her to put her mom hat on and throw you some support.

 

[happydreams]

hm...silly, but I think she''s jealous as well. I''m sorry to hear she''s giving you a hard time!

 

[elrohwen]

Tell her that if she has the kind of money to spend on an extravagent wedding, she should be sending some your direction so you can have a Tuscan wedding

 

[mayachel]

Ugh, sorry your mom is acting like a child. My best advice? Ignore her and everything she does. It''ll be easier. You''ve tried dropping hints, you''ve tried directly telling her...it hasn''t helped. Remember that you are planning a beautiful and meaningful to YOU and DF wedding, and what someone else would do on their wedding day, is completely irrelevant. If she wants to show up at your wedding looking like a cougar...she''s only making her self look bad.

 

[VRBeauty]

Sweetie, that is one of the saddest things I''ve read on this forum. Your mother is not just being childish, she''s being extremely selfish and self-centered. My suggestion is that you tell her directly that you''re hurt and disappointed, and why. And then, if she still can''t come around after it''s all spelled out for her, distance yourself from her as much as you need to.

Is it too late for you to adopt a surrogate mother?

 

[Erin]

Does her behavior surprise you? Sometimes you just have to accept who she is and not stress yourself out trying to change her. You can spend hours trying to conjure the perfect explanation, retort or scheme to get through to her, but chances are it will only be met with retaliation or resentment - on either of your parts. I guess I would just say, I''m gonna let you know that I wish you''d (do/not do whatever) but I know you won''t listen. I just feel better letting you know that I find it disappointing. And at least walk away knowing you didn''t sit back and do nothing.

 

[dboatsupreme]

Aww, that is one of the saddest stories I''ve heard. I agree with others... if talking directly to her hasn''t helped, I think it''s best to not let her ruin your dream day. She will do what she wants; but don''t let her ruin it for you! I''m sure it will be the best day ever and the most beautiful party of the century, no matter what she says.

 

[cocolaw]

i''m sorry! i agree-she sounds jealous. try to ignore her comments! as far as the gown goes, you WILL be the center of attention. honestly, whenever i see anybody vying for attention at a wedding by wearing overly revealing clothes, or anything even remotely resembling a wedding gown, i think "how pathetic." esp. when it is the mother of the bride! i''m not alone here.

 

[honey22]

Try and ignore her sweetie, the more engergy you put into getting upset at her, the less energy you have to spend on yourself!

To be totally honest, she sounds like she is jealous of you, she can surely see you are younger and more beautiful and she is desparately trying to cling onto her youth.

No-one is going to outshine the bride, especially not mutton-dressed-as-lamb. Sorry to be brutally honest, but that''s the truth.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Rent a copy of ''Monster In Law'' and show her the scene where Jane Fonda comes dressed ready for the wedding looking like a bride and Jennifer Lopez literally rips shreads off her dress... maybe then she will see just how silly she is going to look?

 

[mrscushion]

She sounds super-jealous. I''ve never understood how, as a mom, you could be jealous of your own daughter''s youth, but I hear it happens. I''m sorry it''s happening to you. I agree with the previous posters -- you can''t waste your energy on her. She''ll do what she''ll do and even if she showed up in a tight leopard-skin dress, she would never be able to take attention away from the bride on her wedding day.

 

[cleokizzy]

thanks everyone for all your advice!

i really have no way of having her change her ways - it''s her personality and it can''t easily be changed. i just have to "work" and accept that fact (after all these years... i''m still working on it... sigh).

you ladies are right: i''ll just have to distance myself and save all the energy on my wedding.

hawaiianorangetree, funny you mentioned monster-in-law. i just got that from netflix and plan on watching it tonight!

VRBeauty, thanks for the sweet offer!

 

[Bia]

What an annoying mom to have!

Cut her from the planning phase. If she asks why, tell her how you feel. Whatever you do, put a stop to it.

I''m sorry by the way.

 

[tlh]

I am sorry to read that your mother is not being the most supportive right now.

I think honesty is the best policy. I''d tell her that she''s hurting your feelings with the comments she''s making about how her wedding will be better than yours. That as your mother you''d hope she''d be happy for you and supportive. But ultimately unless you''d be happier without her there, sometimes you just have to accept people''s flaws, and just let her be who she is...