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Hello again all.

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
I've been trying to catch up, reading as many posts as I can. It seems folks are doing ok.

The past year has been pretty bad for me. I know around the time that I was getting excited to go to Germany and see my brother, life in general was ok. The marriage still sucked, but I was ok. I survived the flight and had a fantastic two weeks there. I don't remember how much detail I shared here, so forgive me if a repeat anything.

After coming back home, of course the husband was acting as if he missed me. I came back Oct. 30th, day before our anniversary. We went to dinner that evening and he talked about how he 'thought about things' while I was gone and knew that this so called marriage had to change. We actually had a good conversation for a change and I thought it would lead to some progress. Yes, my mistake. Looking back, he basically was saying all the right things to make sure he got some action on our anniversary. A week later, I asked him what issues had he seriously been thinking about while I was gone and all he could say was 'well, the cats can't dictate our lives anymore'. Nothing about our much bigger issues. Next few weeks was back and forth of either arguing or not really talking at all. I wound up not going to his sister and husband's house for the big family Chrstmas dinner. I just couldn't go and pretend to be happy. I took the almost 3 hour trip on the T and went out to eat with my mom and sisters.

Husband decided to call the therapist we had been seeing. We saw her in February 2010 after not seeing her for a few months. We talked about the fact that I had reached my limit. If the communication didn't improve and he didn't stop completely shutting me out emotionally, when I was financially able to leave I would do so. He said he didn't want me to leave and wanted things to get better. I didn't push the issue or put pressure on him to talk. About three weeks later, he asked if we should make another appointment. I asked why? Had we discussed anything from the last appoinment? Had he thought about what was talked about? He said no, not really. I said ok, I guess we really are just roommates now. He says I guess so. That was it. The next few months I just had to keep telling myself that it isn't going to get better and to just let it go. I promised myself to stop getting so angry about something I coudn't change.

In May my sister told me that my brother had a bout of pnuemonia. It was bad since he is a smoker. He didn't want to worry me so he didn't tell me he had been in the hospital the previous time I had talked to him. He was on the mend slowly and said he was feeling better. Things were ok until I got laid off in August while I was trying to renew my MT license. (the state issues them now in MA and the fee and number of hoops to jump through has gone up.) It took a while to get unemployment straightened out which sucked royally since I wasn't given any severance.

In September I got a phone call from one of my brother's friends about 1AM our time to tell me that he died. Long story short, my brother had left the hospital early, tried to go back to work too soon (he was a singer) and never fully recovered from the amount of fluid in his lungs. Since I was the only family member they had met, they called me. I get off the phone after a while and I can't describe the shock. Husband wakes up and asks what happened. I tell him and he says 'really?' And lays back down. I got nothing from him, no hug, no sorry. I was then up all night, then had to call my sisters in the morning and they had to tell my mother. Next few weeks was all the calls back and forth to his friends to coordinate having him cremated and having his ashes sent here. Finally had his burial ceremony at the military cemetary in Bourne. I know in my last post I said I was in a hospital setting for a while. I fell apart for a while. I felt so guilty. My brother had lived in Frankfurt since retiring from the military in 1992. So many times I could have gone to see him. I managed to fly to California and London, why not Germany? When I finally do it, he dies almost exactly a year later. I ended up in the hospital for alcohol poisining and kept me under care for seven weeks since apparently I was saying I was suicidal ( I don't remember any of this).

I know this has been long but I had to get it out. I'm unfortunately still living with husband since I can't afford to leave. We talk about little things on the news and have basic casual conversation but it's done. I've told him this. He responds by saying that's not what he wants. Whatever. I spent last year mourning the end of this marriage, so I'm not even mad anymore. I just need to plan for my life now and when i can leave I will. Not a great situation, never thought this is how life would be at 40, well in a week.

I thank you for reading all this, I had to share what's going on and why I vanished from the the site. Hopefully I will be able to keep in touch more.
 

MuffDog

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2011
Messages
441
Wow, Nytemist - sounds like you have had a rough go of it recently. I hope that you are staying strong - things will get better eventually.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I am thinking of you.

(I used to post under another name and remember you from way back when quite well).
 

monarch64

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Aug 12, 2005
Messages
17,905
Nytemist, I'm really sorry things have been so crappy. My condolences to you on the passing of your brother, that is awful. I hope you are taking good care of yourself now physically...I know drinking/self-medicating can become a problem when you feel stuck or trapped. Please be kind to yourself.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, and your marriage, and your temporary loss of self. I wish you the best for your future.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,125
I, too, am very sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. What a blessing it is that you did make it to Germany to see him the year before he died! I am also so sad for you that the marriage just didn't work out and that you are financially stuck there. We will hope that the next year has some brighter days!
 

Octavia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 28, 2007
Messages
2,660
somethingshiny|1318629410|3040540 said:
I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, and your marriage, and your temporary loss of self. I wish you the best for your future.
Somethingshiny said it perfectly, and I feel the same way. I definitely remember you from when you used to post more, and I know things have been rough for you for quite a long time. But this seems particularly difficult. I really hope you are able to make you own life very soon, and that things start looking up for you. Lots of dust forthcoming, XOXO.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,293
Nytemist - I've thought of you from time to time and wondered how things were going for you. I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a terrible, terrible year, and especially to hear about the loss of your brother.

I'm sure it hurt to make the decision to stop putting energy into saving your marriage, but... I hope that frees up energy for more productive and promising actions.

Hugs to you - please be good to yourself.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,450
Nytemist -- I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's passing.

Like VR, I think of you and have wondered how things have been. Is there any way you could leave now and maybe stay with friends or family for a while? It doesn't sound like staying in your apt. is the best thing for your emotional (and possibly physical) well-being.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I'm sorry to hear about what's happened Nytemist. It sounds like it's still a horrible situation. I would also look at staying with family/friends if you can. Your marriage seems like it's been over for a while and it must be really difficult staying in the same apartment. Take care of yourself first and foremost.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
out of the ashes of the past 1.5 years it sounds like you are ready to rise.........it won't be easy, especially living with the "ex". but it can be done. i have faith you can do it.

i remember being 30 and swearing i didn't want to wake up at 40 feeling the same way......and i didn't. it was up to me to make the decisions and do the work so that wouldn't happen. i could not blame my then husband or anyone else. i had to do the work and walk the talk. i only say this because i know its not goint to happen over night for you....it took years to get into this situation and it will take years to get out of it. but you too can decide that in 10 years time you do not want to feel as you feel now and make the decisions so that you don't.

i'm so sorry that you lost a loved one.....but i'm glad in the context that in the process of mourning you were able to mourn the loss of your marriage and come to this place of new beginning. i do hope you can financially find a way to no longer be living with your "ex". good luck!
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
I have to thank you all for the condolences. It was such a shock. Add that to the guilt and having no suppor at home put me in that black hole. I agree that self-medicating doesn't solve anything, but for a while passing out was the only way I could sleep at night.

I'm working on getting my head back together. It's been a little better for me since I'm not walking around wondering 'is this the day he finally talks to me' or ' is he going to sit and tell me how he feels'. I also put alot free time into growing basil and tomatoes out on the balcony and they did well this year. The relationship between my mother and I has gotten better the past couple of years, especially with me bringing her homemade pesto. I've also started talking to friends more, moslty through FB since I'm so far outside the city. I fell off the face of the eearth with them as well since I had nothing positive to talk about. Everyone has some kind of issues going on and I didn't feel right dragging them down by venting about the same old things.

Unfortunately, going back home isn't really an option. Both my sisters have moved back in over the past few years. There is no way I could live with the middle 'mooch' sister again. Also both my nieces and great-niece are there. However they plan on moving if my oldest niece (24) gets Section 8 housing approval. If anything, my oldest sister and I are trying to get my mother out of the house and to a retirement community. There is one she likes and we keep asking her (semi-jokingly) 'when are you moving?' She's amost 82 and doesn't need the stress of taking care of a big, very old house.

For the meantime I candeal with it here. I've let go of being angry about this, being sad, being down on myself thinking what did I do that he act like he doesn't love or care about me anymore. It's not me. He doesn't want to be married since that requires really letting someone into your head and life in all ways and He really doesn't want to do that. It took a long time for me to really get that so I was the idiot still trying to reach someone who doesn't want me. Now I'm not letting this situation dictate how I feel anymore. It's not ideal but we can still be civil towards each other. What amazes me is that I truly don't think he realizes that anything is seriously wrong. Not my problem.

I tried to attach a silly pic of us I took in Frankfurt, but I'm not getting it to work.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
nytemist|1318780265|3041480 said:
I have to thank you all for the condolences. It was such a shock. Add that to the guilt and having no suppor at home put me in that black hole. I agree that self-medicating doesn't solve anything, but for a while passing out was the only way I could sleep at night.

I'm working on getting my head back together. It's been a little better for me since I'm not walking around wondering 'is this the day he finally talks to me' or ' is he going to sit and tell me how he feels'. I also put alot free time into growing basil and tomatoes out on the balcony and they did well this year. The relationship between my mother and I has gotten better the past couple of years, especially with me bringing her homemade pesto. I've also started talking to friends more, moslty through FB since I'm so far outside the city. I fell off the face of the eearth with them as well since I had nothing positive to talk about. Everyone has some kind of issues going on and I didn't feel right dragging them down by venting about the same old things.

Unfortunately, going back home isn't really an option. Both my sisters have moved back in over the past few years. There is no way I could live with the middle 'mooch' sister again. Also both my nieces and great-niece are there. However they plan on moving if my oldest niece (24) gets Section 8 housing approval. If anything, my oldest sister and I are trying to get my mother out of the house and to a retirement community. There is one she likes and we keep asking her (semi-jokingly) 'when are you moving?' She's amost 82 and doesn't need the stress of taking care of a big, very old house.

For the meantime I candeal with it here. I've let go of being angry about this, being sad, being down on myself thinking what did I do that he act like he doesn't love or care about me anymore. It's not me. He doesn't want to be married since that requires really letting someone into your head and life in all ways and He really doesn't want to do that. It took a long time for me to really get that so I was the idiot still trying to reach someone who doesn't want me. Now I'm not letting this situation dictate how I feel anymore. It's not ideal but we can still be civil towards each other. What amazes me is that I truly don't think he realizes that anything is seriously wrong. Not my problem.

I tried to attach a silly pic of us I took in Frankfurt, but I'm not getting it to work.
What amazes me is that this amazes you. Really? How your husband is doesn't amaze me at all.

Condolences to you about your brother.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
I am so very sorry for all that your are going through. The loss of your brother must be so very painful. I lost my brother around your age and it was extremely hard. The pain of that loss was intense.

I hope things get better for you. See a counselor that specializes in Grief??

Big hugs.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 1, 2009
Messages
9,294
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and all of the other pain you've been going through.

I can't give any advice or words to make it better, but please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you nothing but happy days as you work to make the life you want for yourself.
 

drk

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2005
Messages
1,102
I'm so sorry for the unexpected loss of your brother, and for all the stuff you've been through recently.
It sounds like you've got your head in a much better place now, and I'm sure you'll find a way to build your new and better life for yourself. Good luck with gathering the resources together to be able to move on from your marriage!
 

nytemist

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 11, 2005
Messages
962
It's really good that I have the friends that I do. I was told by friend of mine to pack an overnight bag for my birthday today. No idea what she has planned, but I have an idea of where she's taking me. Doesn't matter, as long as I'm out of here and going away I'm all for it. It's sad that my friends care more than my husband, but I appreciate the fact that I have them in my life.
 

mary poppins

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 10, 2010
Messages
2,575
Sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and status of your marriage. So nice that you have such a caring, thoughtful friend who planned an adventure for your birthday. I hope you have a great birthday. Enjoy your day!
 

dragonfly411

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
nyt - I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.

Although I am sorry for what you are going through with your husband, I have a hard time finding what to say about it. In my opinion you are keeping yourself in the situation. You refuse to go back home b/c of mooching sister. I understand the financial part, and I know that is hard, but I would seriously be applying anywhere and everywhere possible so as to get away. Stop referring to him as your husband. He might be on paper, but he is not a husband. He is a man who does not care until it's real. That is not fair to you. Call him anything but husband.

I wish you the best.
 

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
Messages
3,258
Nyt:

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been through. I think you had a lot of hope for the relationship and invested everything you had in it. It's very hard to let that go. In addition, with your brother's passing, you hope and support, your husband let you down (again).

It seems you've had a breakdown, and you're coming out on the other side. Lean on your friends, and the people that will love and support you. Don't be afraid to ask them for help. I think a lot of time, we hesitate to ask, for fear of being a burden. It sounds to me that you have loving, caring friends that will carry you through this.
 
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