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He told me I could let him know when I was ready to go pick out a ring

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therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
I know a lot of ladies would be happy hearing this, but I''m not. I''m confused and a little hurt. As most of you know, my boyfriend and I have been dating for at least 3 years... and were best friends several years before that. He talked to my dad and got his blessing in early August and I put myself on the LIW list officially then. He also told me in September that it''d be very soon, within a few months. So... I was really hoping for a proposal by year end. I basically left him alone and didn''t bring it up because I assumed he was busy planning, looking, shopping... something! Evidently, he has done nothing at all during these almost 5 months.

Last night I mentioned that, YET AGAIN, someone asked me if I got something sparkly for Christmas. This led into a conversation that I had planned to save for the new year, but couldn''t. Basically, he told me that I needed to tell him when I wanted to get married, and then we''d go get a ring. I told him I wasn''t setting a wedding date when I wasn''t even engaged. I thought that might be a hint for him to realize he should propose first. But then he just replied that we have talked about it and if we are ready then we''ll go get a ring. As I said, I know some liw''s would be thrilled and go pick out the ring. So, what is wrong with me? Should I have said OK and gone along with it? Is this the only way it''s going to work for me? He has told me for ages he didn''t know when "the right time" would be. Is he really needing ME to tell HIM it''s the right time???

One piece of background for those still reading.... We were best friends, but I had realized that something had crossed the line and there were more feelings there. *I* finally told him how I felt, and he was relieved to know that and admitted to feeling the same way. I can''t help but wish he had been the one to tell me how he felt, and not me him. So, this next move into marriage.... well, it''s very important to me that it be led by HIM. I always thought he was very traditional in his views, but maybe not.

Anyway, does anyone have any advice? Should I say OK and go pick out a ring and call myself engaged? Should I wait it out and see if he can actually ever make a move without me doing it for him? I know I need to talk to him more, but I can''t find the words to explain to him why "lets go get one" is not the way I need/want it to be. Am I selfish for wanting so much? I don''t even WANT/Need a ring which I have made clear to him. I just want an actual moment where he says those magic words.

thanks for reading and for all the support here.
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
He has given the green light!

Can''t you both go and see what you like, give him the guidelines, let him get it done, and then when you know he has it, go out for a lovely dinner and romantic walk and he can present it formally? Since you know you are serious and have the plan to get married, it seems to make sense to move some parts of it along, but let him formally propose and hand it to you in the end! (am I being too simplistic?)
 

princessmo2

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 22, 2006
Messages
29
I agree with diamondfan, but I definitely understand how you feel! I think the guys think it''s more about the ring than the proposal, when most women I''ve talked to feel the opposite.

So, yeah... Maybe you can point out the ring you would like, but then make it clear that you aren''t "officially" engaged without a real proposal? I for one am looking forward to this from my bf... I know he loves me, but he''s definitely shy when it comes to feelings.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
rightime, I TOTALLY get what you''re saying. My bf / fiance also tends to be passive at times. But for some reason, I was lucky and he decided to do the ring on his own with ZERO input from me or even a hint. However, if he''d been different about it and kind of lacsidaisical, I''d be hurt too.

You have every right to be upset, b/c you''ve been waiting and waiting for this and now you are essentially finding out he has done nothing all this time. No research let alone a purchase. And he is putting the ball in your court when you press him--that''s not exactly taking responsibility and not exactly something that makes you feel special, especially since you initiated the conversation (maybe it''d be different if he''d surprised you and said "honey, let''s go look at rings!). I don''t think this means he doesn''t want to marry or anything like that but it does show a lack of initiative and interest in YOUR needs and YOUR timing.
You know what I''m going to say...you have to talk to him. He may just need a kick in the butt again! Tell him good stuff first: that you are so happy with him, so thankful for his support with your father, so happy he at the very least suggested ring shopping, BUT that you need something more. Tell him you want him to show initiative because this is about him asking you to marry and spend the rest of your life with him! Explain how it made you feel. Then you let him know that your "righttime"
was "x" months ago so the rest is up to him, but that you don''t want to wait much longer. Then offer to (some time soon) tell him "kinds" of rings you like, but remind him that the most important piece for you is that it came from him, and that he took the time and effort and care to choose and consider what fits you and represents your relationship. That''s what makes it so special!
I hope this helps..talk to him tonight. I don''t think he understands how you feel about all of this. And also I''m injecting how "I" would feel about this, so just remember that. Others may feel different, so ultimately it''s about how you feel and what you need.
 

ImpatientOne

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2006
Messages
1,394
Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horn!!! My fiance most likely would have taken forever to get the ring. He kind of gave me the green light and we went and picked out the ring together. Some ladies like the element of surprise, but I decided I would rather having him moving forward than sitting around doing nothing!!!

In the end, the proposal itself was a surprise, and that's all that mattered to me. Some men just need a push, and it sounds like your's is one of 'em

As Janine said, you've got to do what makes you comfortable!

Best wishes and keep us posted!
 

ladykemma

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2006
Messages
2,194
with some men you have to be clear and direct. communication fell apart here.

i want
i think
i feel

togther, establish your budget and ask him if he would like to go ring shopping saturday

edited to add: "Basically, he told me that I needed to tell him when I wanted to get married, and then we'd go get a ring."

is he confused about a wedding band?
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I think it might be good to talk to him about how you feel. Honestly, the end result will be the same, but if the process is bothering you he should know now. Try not to be over emotional but just say it clearly and sincerely. But the fact is, this might just be a trait of his, and you either can decide you can live with him being more passive and you accept you will have to have a more assertive role...or maybe he thinks this is how you want it and needs clarification...either way, a conversation is not unwarranted now...
 

WTNLVR

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 30, 2005
Messages
623
Sounds like my hubby. I would just tell him that you''ve thought about it, you are ready, lets go look at rings. If you wait for him to do something independantly, you''ll never see it happen. Some guys are just like that, doesn''t mean they love you any less, they just aren''t into the process and don''t "get it".
 

therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
Thanks everyone for all the responses! It''s good to hear that some men are just like that and not into the process. Maybe I do just need to accept this is the path from here to there and take it!

Tomorrow we are driving for 4 hours to visit my dad so we will have a good time to chat.
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Nothing like a captive audience!!!!
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,071
Honey, be glad he''s like that! In a few years when you want that diamond bracelet or earrings, he sounds like the type who''ll say, sure, go pick out what you want!


I think women read all these things about romantic proposals, but I think most guys know nothing about that kind of thing. You really do need to say that this is a good time to look for a ring since it is after Christmas but before the Valentine''s busy season. Then explain to him that even though you have helped pick out the ring, you really want the finished ring to be a surprise that is given to you when he officially proposes! You need to give him instructions about what you want to happen as some of the other ladies suggested, because men rarely will think of these things on their own. But be glad he''ll let you help pick out the ring..that way you can get a ring you love!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I agree.. I think what is important here is that you both are on the same page about the getting married part...ultimately more important than the ring or how you get it...he may just be one of those men who need nudges and hints (or boulders on the head) in life, and you will just learn his way and work with it! Does not mean he loves you less or values the proposal less and he may even think this is what you want, so you can pick your ring. Again, as long as you give him some parameters and then step back and let him carry it over the finish line, I think you have the best of both worlds...so many women have been frustrated to almost breakdowns over when and how and what...let''s see the positives here!
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
I''d tell him yeah it''s time. Go look at rings, show him what you like and such. Then let the final decision be his. Sometimes guys are just clueless about these things and need a good nudge!!! I''d be happy about it as you will end up with a ring you love. You can always point him here, we will be more than happy to help him. Getting a well cut stone is key!!! So good luck and happy hunting!!!!
 

sistagrl2004

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 9, 2004
Messages
329
Girl PLEASE! what better way to get exactly what you want!!! Enjoy the ENTIRE process be excited about the way things ARE rather than the scripted way proposals and romance is SUPPOSED to go. There is a certain endearing quality about someone wanting you to have exactly what you want!
 

cRaSh

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2006
Messages
101
I can see your point. I felt the same way. I kind of pushed for an engagment with my first marriage, and I regretted it EVERYDAY of my life! I always felt that I forced him into it, and that''s a horrible feeling to live with, and always wonder. So I made myself a promise that if I get engaged again, it was going to be when the guy asks, and is ready too.

I would go pick out the ring you want. That''s GREAT actually how many get that opportunity. Show him what you like, or even be there when he buys it, then let him take it, and plan a proposal.

Tell him how you feel about it. Surely he can understand. Tell him the proposal part is important to you, as with most women. It''s something we wait for our whole lives, and it''s special.
 

ljmorgan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2006
Messages
1,037
Go look at rings! Tell him you''re ready, and that you''d like to look at rings. But I also think that it''s important to share with him that you''ve always dreamed of being proposed to, that it would be very special to you. Tell him you''d like to pick a ring together, but that the proposal is very important. I know that altogether, for YOU, your situation is not ideal, because we all have different expectations. But if the details of getting together are not so important... a loving and lasting marriage IS important. But I still understand the hurt feelings of unmet expectations. Tell him you''d like a proposal, and to be surprised at that!
 

Girlrocks

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 19, 2006
Messages
575
Some men need a good shove in the right direction once in a while, sounds like he''s that type of guy. Personally, I like that in a man...heehee! Nothing wrong with a little gentle (or not so gentle) persuasion!
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
Date: 12/28/2006 10:27:16 PM
Author: therighttime
Thanks everyone for all the responses! It''s good to hear that some men are just like that and not into the process. Maybe I do just need to accept this is the path from here to there and take it!

Tomorrow we are driving for 4 hours to visit my dad so we will have a good time to chat.
the only thing i''d say is you don''t need to just "accept this is the path and take it." I just don''t hear you being very open with him about what you want, how it makes you feel, etc. etc.
I agree with everyone that the most important piece is that you''re on the same page, but i also think communication is king and you should be expressing some of these things to him so he understands your side rather than you just accepting this is how it is. Let us know how your big talk goes and hope dad''s doing better!
 

Chels7

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 28, 2006
Messages
42
As everyone said before this is a great time to go look and pick something you love. You don''t have to take it home that day, tell/show him what you want, let him know you''re ready to get married, and leave the ball in his court! I think he means well and might need a little more explaining of what you want. Just be clear with him, sometimes guys just don''t get this whole engagment thing. Good luck and i''m sure this will all work out for you!
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
I say go ring shopping, but make it clear that you want to be proposed to.

I don''t know your boyfriend so I can''t say if this applies to you, but I thought I''d mention it anyways. If he is not a romantic/expressive guy in general please don''t expect that he be that way when he proposes. My husband is very reserved, I would have set myself up for disappointment if I expected an extravegant, over-the-top proposal from him as it just isn''t who he is. What I got was a heartfelt, sweet proposal that was perfectly him, and that was more than enough.

It sounds like he''s used to you being the one to get the ball rolling, so perhaps he saw no reason for this to be any different. That''s not to say he shouldn''t acquiesce to your request for a formal/traditional proposal, just don''t expect him to step too far outside of the box of who he is to do so.
 

Aloros

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 2, 2006
Messages
947
I don''t have anything to add, really, except another voice.

Tell him you''re ready! Like everyone else says, sometimes you have to spell it out. It''s a win-win situation. You get to find a ring/rings that you like, and make it clear that you want him to propose. Then you get it both ways!
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,641
I think this is a good thing for you. So go with him, shop, get the ring you really want. BUT tell him that you won''t accept it or wear it until HE officially proposes!
 

Regular Guy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 6, 2004
Messages
5,951
Date: 12/29/2006 11:38:14 AM
Author: Aloros
I don't have anything to add, really, except another voice.
Ditto.

Interesting question...leaving me sort of on a dime...and apparently how you feel, too.

I'd say...respect your own feelings....and also, respect the process your SO has gone through, too. Do you know...is there anything you did to prompt him to speak to your father, or did he do this on his own? That's quite a move, rather formal in nature. Then again, he also chose to tell you the time would be soon...and this reasonably prompted you to have expectations.

I'm told I'm formal (or used to be told that) at the office. Not sure if a) they're right, or b) it's something else. Clearly, the "question" is a formal thing.

Perhaps you're driving already.

Be nice to each other.

Best of wishes,
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I''d say go ring shopping with him but do tell him that you want to be proposed to properly. I wouldnt wait for him to go ring shopping shopping on his own. I definitely agree that some men just need a help with the ring shopping..ie my own man too!!
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
Men are not always the intuitive romantics we wish them to be LOL Sometimes you have to bash them upside the head - TELL them what you want. "Honey, I want you do plan something special" "I want you to pick out my ring" etc. I told my dh I didn''t want an e-ring because he couldn''t afford what I wanted and the jerk didn''t get me one!!! lol secretly I wanted something, anything.... but he''s way too literal. It''d be nice if guys got it - and some guys do! I''ve read the posts than men make here and that women make here that lead me to believe that all men should have a clue, blue. But they don''t!!!
 

Miranda

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 18, 2006
Messages
4,101
What if you just explained that it it important to you that he formally propose (I am reading that that is what you want, no?) and go ring shopping together. Show him exactly what you would like and have him pick it up later. I know conversations like this are tricky, but, starting a marriage off with great communication is very important.
 

NYCsparkle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 23, 2006
Messages
1,371
It sounds like he is the shy laid back type. he''s probably used to you making decisions and he goes along with them, so he probably figures this is no different. Talk to him...he sounds like he''s ready to go shopping, but probably has no clue where to begin. (most men ARE clueless when it comes to diamonds) Go shopping and give him some options. Let the final choice be his and then it will be a surprise in the end.
 

DMBsGirl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Sep 29, 2006
Messages
1,589
i understand how you feel and think i would feel the same. I have sent my boyfriend tons of pictures of rings and links for vendors but the rest is up to him. If he said something similar to me I would assume that he did not want to do the "work" and I would be hurt. I want the complete surprise proposal. I don''t want to know that the ring was chosen, paid for, when it will be ready etc. Did you guys ever discuss what kind of proposal you wanted? It isn''t too late, and you can go with him and give him ideas of what you like, give him names of vendors and then leave the rest up to him.
In this situation I think it''s important to also remember that this is usually a really stressful thing for guys and he may just be scared to get you something you will hate. Let him know the type of proposal you want and this should help.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
RT, I agree with most others, tell him you''re ready. Men do not always act as we would like and we can''t control that. But if he is telling you to tell him, I think that means that he is ready, just needs you to initiate. So why not!
I do think you should tell him that you want an actual proposal, that is important to you. Maybe he just doesn''t realize that, even if it''s so obvious to you. They just don''t always get it!
I hope your talk went well and go ring shopping. Have fun!!
 

IrishAngel7982

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 5, 2006
Messages
1,412
More prayers for your dad outgoing...and hopefully the road trip provided an opportunity for you to talk to your guy. Enjoy the time with your dad, and then go shopping. It''s very fun (I went last weekend) and your bf will be able to form an idea of what you''d like. That''s it! Just make sure he knows you want him to propose instead of just giving you a ring. It''s happened before...very sad. Good luck!
 
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