He sounds...Married

[allycat0303]

I'm in London waiting to fly home. I have been flying non-stop for 4 days; I'm home-sick and sad. I've slept less then 4 hours in 72 hours which obviously makes me a lot more emotional. The problem is my sister. Eight months ago she got involved with this guy. I've written about him because I vaguely remember Deco saying..."He sounds....Married". Briefly, 37 year old orthopaedic surgeon (I'll call him P), never married, with ISSUES. He disappears nearly every weekend (no cell phone contact), and claims he's operating....(yes 24 hours a day for 2 days). About 5 months into the relationship, P and her take a 3 week break. During this time, P flew to Vancouver to be with his ex-girlfriend. Is it cheating, is it not, were they on break, all very murky. They decide to give it another try. At this point, it descends into TOXIC relationship (screaming, crying, depression). He talks to the ex-girlfriend every week which hurts my sister very much.

Fastforward to last Friday, P says, "I'm going to my parents house in the country, no cell reception, I'll see you on Monday" My sister decided to call his parents, and (Surprise!) P was never there that weekend. (LIE #1).She calls him, and he claims he he lied because he needed a weekend away from her to think (LIE #2). On further prodding, he admits, he flew across the country to Vancouver to spend 1.5 days with his ex-girlfriend, but she refused to see him, so he stayed at a hotel (LIE #3). Finally he admits he did spend 1.5 days together but nothing happened. My sister hears all this and decides that very night, that she's willing to stay in the relationship, but she is devastated.

I have literally holding her together in the beginning of the week. She was crying all hours of the day. Two days after the event, Skyservice called me to fly a patient from Trinidad to London. I felt guilty for leaving her, but I committed to doing this job, so I had to go. When I told her, she was at the clinic, and as she was hanging up the phone, I heard her crying and saying that I was leaving her when she needed me the most. She didn't think I could hear her. I feel horrible. Throughout the 4 days of flying, I keep in touch at every refuelling stop (every 3 hours). I stayed 1 night in Trinidad and 1 night in London, and spend 2+ hours on google chat with her. Despite that she deteriorated and did not work for the last 2 days.

I should be back in Montreal at 14:00 tomorrow. The question is, what should I do for her?? I am fresh out of ideas. She's in counselling (extensive), to break the relationship pattern, but has only realized she can not be without a man. She always needs another one to get out of the previous one.She's even seen psychiatry, although there was nothing he could add. My family are angry at her and fed up with her behaviour.To some extent I understand them. She doesn't own the behaviour, and she CHOOSES to believe his lies. There appears to be no limit. If she came in and he was cheating on her right in front of her, she would still take him back that night!

I do not even know what to say or do. I don't even know how to approach the problem when I get home. What happens to people in these relationships? Do they continue indefinitely? Do people get out? And HOW? What should I be doing to help her? the thought of this situation continuing for another year terrifies me. And everything I've done is not making her better. She's getting worst instead of better. I feel so helpless, it's like a downward spiral I can't stop.

 

[sparklyheart]

First off, sorry for all of the things you guys are going through.

Second, you are not making things better because you are not part of the problem! In simple terms, her boyfriend broke up with her... That is something she needs to get over it and from the sound of it, the treatments she is getting are what she needs more than anything. She obviously needs her caring sister there to support her but it almost sounds like she is going from depending on him to depending on you (How she said you were leaving her when she needed you most...). You still have a job to do and you can't drop everything because her boyfriend broke up with her (in simplest terms, again).

I think you are very caring and thoughtful to want to be there for her (compared to the family who is just done with her) but there is a fine line between being a shoulder to cry on and being the one to carry her through this.. There are certain times when people DO need to be carried.. but this sounds like a repeating pattern and in that case she needs to lean on you and get a higher level of help from her therapy sessions or meds (if she's on them).

Good luck to you and her...

 

[sonnyjane]

Ugh.

I'm so sorry. I have far more experience with toxic relationships than I'd like. It seems like so many of my family and friends are in these types of toxic relationships, filled with lying, fighting, and cheating! It frustrates me to no end

The bottom line is, as the PP mentioned, this is not your battle to fight. I think you should strongly suggest that your sister see a counselor, since there is clearly something wrong with her if she is willing to be treated this way, but other than that, there's not much you can do. And please don't be hard on yourself about working. I agree that this is a repeating pattern and you can't be expected to drop everything every time wolf is cried.

I will say from experience that the hardest thing to do is remove yourself from the situation, but often that's the best thing that can be done. What I mean is, right now, her decisions are hurting both you AND her. You said yourself that even if she walked in and he was cheating right in front of her, she wouldn't leave. Your words and actions will NOT change her mind if she doesn't want to leave. Therefore, you have to just stop getting involved. True, you're not helping her, but if she can't be helped anyway, at least you're not bringing yourself down as well. I have had to sternly tell friends that while I loved them and would be there for them unconditionally if they left the relationship, I could not sit by and watch them hurt themselves by staying. It ended our friendships, but at least it was no longer my problem. My brother is a drug addict and will not stop, even after several stints in rehab. I had to cut off communication with him completely. Worrying about his actions was bringing too much stress and lost sleep into MY life. It hurts, and your instincts are often to hemorrhage your resources, be it time or money, to help someone, but in the end, there is nothing you can do to help. She must figure this out for herself. The best you can do is say you love her, but will not be a witness to her self-induced pain. Strongly urge her to get counseling, but then try to back away.

Good luck

 

[Pandora II]

Unfortunately until the person decides that they don't want to live this way there is little that you can do except be there.

Being in a series of toxic relationships is very similar to an addiction. The deep lows followed by the high highes - big rows and betrayal and disappointment followed by the promises, the making-up and the 'I don't know how you put up with me, but I need you' poor little boy lost acts - makes healthy relationships feel very dull and staid. Therefore you seek out a relationship like the previous one - because you mistake the ups and downs for passionate love - and sadly it just becomes a repetitive behaviour.

Been there, done that... and it really is like a drug.

The book 'Women Who Love Too Much' really helped me get to grips with things - but, I had realised that I needed to step off the merry-go-round by that point, I just didn't know how to.

Until your sister realises that her choices are not going to make her happy and that she wants to change her behaviour then she is not going to kick the habit.

You may need to employ some tough love and refuses to get emotionally involved in her issues until she decides to sort herself out. It can really impact on your health and stress-levels. My sister put my family through something similar (although he wasn't cheating) for the first 6 years of her marriage and in the end my brother, my parents and I told her that we didn't want to hear anymore, that she had the name of a divorce lawyer and she either sorted her relationship or got out but we didn't want the worry and stress anymore. But that she also always had a home with them if she needed somewhere to go. She would call my parents 2 or 3 times a day crying over all those years and they had just had enough.

She didn't leave, but they did sort things out and are now pretty happy.

For your own sanity I would step back a bit - you can still be there for her, but don't get too emotionally involved. And do not feel guilty, your life cannot revolve around your sister. She is having a row with a loser boyfriend, she's not dying or got a very sick child or something, your life and job are just as important and shouldn't suffer because of her poor choices.

Not sure if that is much help - it's horrible to watch, but you can't kick sense into people unless they are ready to change.

 

[chemgirl]

Unfortunately until the person decides that they don't want to live this way there is little that you can do except be there.

Being in a series of toxic relationships is very similar to an addiction. The deep lows followed by the high highes - big rows and betrayal and disappointment followed by the promises, the making-up and the 'I don't know how you put up with me, but I need you' poor little boy lost acts - makes healthy relationships feel very dull and staid. Therefore you seek out a relationship like the previous one - because you mistake the ups and downs for passionate love - and sadly it just becomes a repetitive behaviour.

Been there, done that... and it really is like a drug.

The book 'Women Who Love Too Much' really helped me get to grips with things - but, I had realised that I needed to step off the merry-go-round by that point, I just didn't know how to.

Until your sister realises that her choices are not going to make her happy and that she wants to change her behaviour then she is not going to kick the habit.

You may need to employ some tough love and refuses to get emotionally involved in her issues until she decides to sort herself out. It can really impact on your health and stress-levels. My sister put my family through something similar (although he wasn't cheating) for the first 6 years of her marriage and in the end my brother, my parents and I told her that we didn't want to hear anymore, that she had the name of a divorce lawyer and she either sorted her relationship or got out but we didn't want the worry and stress anymore. But that she also always had a home with them if she needed somewhere to go. She would call my parents 2 or 3 times a day crying over all those years and they had just had enough.

She didn't leave, but they did sort things out and are now pretty happy.

For your own sanity I would step back a bit - you can still be there for her, but don't get too emotionally involved. And do not feel guilty, your life cannot revolve around your sister. She is having a row with a loser boyfriend, she's not dying or got a very sick child or something, your life and job are just as important and shouldn't suffer because of her poor choices.

Not sure if that is much help - it's horrible to watch, but you can't kick sense into people unless they are ready to change.

This is so true. I know you care about her, but you can't change her so you can't let it have a negative impact on your life.

My best friend is with a total and complete loser who treats her horribly. Unfortunately, I can't really do anything other than be there for her when she needs somebody to talk to. People who seek out these types of relationships have more issues than any one of us can deal with. You can't fix her. All you can do is make sure she knows you love her.

 

[junebug17]

Ally, I understand feeling badly about what your sister is going through, but I'm not sure what else you can do for her. She's already in the hands of professionals. I guess it's important to be there for her, but it sounds like she is expecting too much from you. You have your own life to live! Her problems seem complicated and I think it's too much of a responsibility for you to try to solve them all. You may have to try to strike the right balance of being there for her but not enabling her with constant attention and sympathy.

ETA: Also wanted to add that you should not feel guilty for working and living your own life. I feel pretty strongly that you're going to have to nip that in the bud right away. You have your own responsibilities and obligations and you should let her know that you're not going to be at her beck and call every time she has a problem with her boyfriend.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ditto Pandora.

At some point your sister will hit bottom with her addiction to bad men and bad relationships. At some point she'll realize the problem is not with them, but with her. Until that happens, the best thing you can do is to focus on your life, your responsibilities, your marriage.

 

[Gypsy]

Ditto Pandora.

At some point your sister will hit bottom with her addiction to bad men and bad relationships. At some point she'll realize the problem is not with them, but with her. Until that happens, the best thing you can do is to focus on your life, your responsibilities, your marriage.

THIS.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ditto Pandora.

At some point your sister will hit bottom with her addiction to bad men and bad relationships. At some point she'll realize the problem is not with them, but with her. Until that happens, the best thing you can do is to focus on your life, your responsibilities, your marriage.

All of the above. Ally you know this all too well. I just wanted to say I am sorry. Maybe time for some tough love, you can be tough and gentle as to not give mixed messages. BUT you have a lot on YOUR plate, and wish for you to be well and all that comes with that. It was 2 years ago we almost lost you?? Or is it 3?? I was just thinking of you the other day...

Hope you are well. I know the whole flying thing is a big issue, I am the same. But sounds like you broke through it and are doing amazing work..

xo

 

[movie zombie]

get the book Women Who Love Too Much as gypsy suggested.....and sit down and read it together. if she's not willing to read it, well, that tells you she isn't hurting enough to want to learn why she's allowing this to happen to her. people don't make changes until they hurt too much.....

no guilt for you, alley. your sister makes her decisions and SHE takes the consequences of those decisions. it not up to you to change her, fix her...that's her job. but you can tell her how much you lover her and how very much it hurts to see her in this state. have a real honest talk and don't pull any punches. then let her know it hurts too much to be with her as she is with this creep. tell her you respect her decisions but you have a life to live and responsibilities. then tell her you love her but that you've got obligations and walk away. she won't like it and she'll try to lay a guilt trip on you. don't buy it. otherwise, you're merely enabling her to stay with the creep.

i'm glad she's getting professional help but she is the one that has to do the work.

good luck, alley. i remember your original post and the discussion. i'm glad your sister has sought professional help.

 

[HollyS]

What makes you think that ANYTHING you do will help her? What could you possibly do to relieve her anxiety, pain, fear, or . . . self-loathing? (Therapy, by professionals, have not helped her.)

Yes, she thinks she doesn't deserve better than this.
Yes, she's comfortable being in constant distress.
Yes, she blames everyone but herself for that distress. (You leave her when she needs you most, remember?)

No, she won't change. She's the center of your attention, after all. Your parents have learned how not to give her the attention she craves. When you reach your limit, you'll stop doing the same.


She's in a bad place. A place of her own making. You don't have to share the space with her.

I'd really like to be more positive, more affirming. . . for your sake . . . but there really is nothing you can do. (Well, pray, maybe. This is a job for a higher power.)

 

[Gypsy]

What makes you think that ANYTHING you do will help her? What could you possibly do to relieve her anxiety, pain, fear, or . . . self-loathing? (Therapy, by professionals, have not helped her.)

Yes, she thinks she doesn't deserve better than this.
Yes, she's comfortable being in constant distress.
Yes, she blames everyone but herself for that distress. (You leave her when she needs you most, remember?)

No, she won't change. She's the center of your attention, after all. Your parents have learned how not to give her the attention she craves. When you reach your limit, you'll stop doing the same.


She's in a bad place. A place of her own making. You don't have to share the space with her.

I'd really like to be more positive, more affirming. . . for your sake . . . but there really is nothing you can do. (Well, pray, maybe. This is a job for a higher power.)

Yup. And, just because she's in therapy doesn't mean it's working.

Try to get her to switch her to a CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) and step back from her yourself.

Honestly sometimes the BEST way you can help someone like this is to step away and HURRY UP their crash to bottom. It sounds like you are keeping her from hitting bottom. Which may be the WRONG thing in this case. If she hits bottom, maybe she will finally be able to help herself.

 

[Maisie]

I'm so sorry that you are so upset Ally. I know exactly how you feel. I have two sisters who are just like yours. I don't have contact with one of them (safety issues for my children + the fact that she scares me) but I do have a lot of contact with the other one. She is in the worst relationship. He abused one her daughter but she felt that she must stay with him to show she is a good christian. I just can't get my head around this at all. I didn't have contact with her for a year after this happened because I was the one who called the police and she saw me as the bad guy.

When someone is this deep into a toxic relationship it wouldn't matter what you say or do... they won't leave. You could support her till you are blue in the face.. it won't make a difference. You are part of this cycle of misery. She runs to you and expects you to work miracles. You try to get her to see sense but it never works. So then you become the bad guy for not helping... and so the story goes on.

I know it will be difficult but you have to step back. Tell her you aren't going to do this anymore but if she does decide to leave and focus on her own well being you will be there. It will feel horrible to begin with but once you do it you will feel free. You have to switch that part off in your brain that thinks you can help her. The only person that can help her is herself. Sometimes tough love is the only way to go.

 

[Enerchi]

Allycat - so sorry to hear of the painful situation your sister, and by association, you, are in. Time is the greatest healer, although when you are living thru something like this, you never think there will be any hope/any resolution/any RELIEF from the pain you are existing in at this moment. Been there ("Painville")... it was HELL so I can empathize with this situation.

One lesson I had to learn was "You can not control people, places or things". The power of letting go and just being responsible for yourself only, was a hard lesson which came with a price, but it was one worth going thru.

You can only be there - as you ARE!- to help and support your sister. I get the impression you are in a caring profession as well, and that may also be impacting the need to 'rescue' your sister. You can't do that, unfortunately. Only she can save herself. It hurts to see a love one self destruct, but you can not own that. She owns that. Oh, that all sounds so harsh to hear, but it comes from my heart. I lived this and I survived. (As did others above)

You can be more helpful to her if you are also strong - look after yourself. Get some rest, take some quiet time for yourself on a daily basis, do things that nurture you, be 'selfish' ... in a good way

Many many MANY hugs sent to you. Please keep us posted. Look after yourself Allycat ...

(and whether the guy is married/dating/gay... whatever!... he is not worth the time and energy that is being given to him by worrying and stressing over him. He should not be taking up that much real estate in anyone's head! He's a selfish jerk! No one in love, treats someone they love, like that)

 

[Enerchi]

WOW - just re reading this thread and I am very awed by the powerful and empowered PS'ers who are posting here! I am honoured to be in your company - you all have said such powerful and emotional words.

 

[Upgradable]

You have gotten a lot of good information and support here. The only thing I wish to add is DO NOT LET HER GET PREGNANT to try to force the situation. The only thing worse than seeing a loved one actively participate in a toxic relationship is to see innocent children be involved in the behavior.

 

[Maisie]

You have gotten a lot of good information and support here. The only thing I wish to add is DO NOT LET HER GET PREGNANT to try to force the situation. The only thing worse than seeing a loved one actively participate in a toxic relationship is to see innocent children be involved in the behavior.

Big YES to this!!

 

[zoebartlett]

Ally, I'm sorry to hear about this. Like everyone else has said, I agree that all you can really do is be there for your sister, as you have been. You can listen and give advice, but I'm afraid that until she's ready to end her relationship and end the pattern of being in bad relationships, it will probably fall on deaf ears. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and you shouldn't feel guilty about anything. I know that's easier said than done though. You're a good sister, and I hope she can break out of the patterns she seems to seek.

 

[Imdanny]

Ally, I understand feeling badly about what your sister is going through, but I'm not sure what else you can do for her. She's already in the hands of professionals. I guess it's important to be there for her, but it sounds like she is expecting too much from you. You have your own life to live! Her problems seem complicated and I think it's too much of a responsibility for you to try to solve them all. You may have to try to strike the right balance of being there for her but not enabling her with constant attention and sympathy.

ETA: Also wanted to add that you should not feel guilty for working and living your own life. I feel pretty strongly that you're going to have to nip that in the bud right away. You have your own responsibilities and obligations and you should let her know that you're not going to be at her beck and call every time she has a problem with her boyfriend.

This.

If you have to work you have to work. What she said to you was totally beyond the pale. I feel that you should let her know she has to get out of her own head enough not say things like that to you in situations like these.

 

[tyty333]

You have gotten some good advice (as usual from your PS friends), just wanted to offer a Hug. Dont let yourself get caught
up in her destructive behavior.

 

[Anastasia]

What makes you think that ANYTHING you do will help her? What could you possibly do to relieve her anxiety, pain, fear, or . . . self-loathing? (Therapy, by professionals, have not helped her.)

Yes, she thinks she doesn't deserve better than this.
Yes, she's comfortable being in constant distress.
Yes, she blames everyone but herself for that distress. (You leave her when she needs you most, remember?)

No, she won't change. She's the center of your attention, after all. Your parents have learned how not to give her the attention she craves. When you reach your limit, you'll stop doing the same.


She's in a bad place. A place of her own making. You don't have to share the space with her.

I'd really like to be more positive, more affirming. . . for your sake . . . but there really is nothing you can do. (Well, pray, maybe. This is a job for a higher power.)

Yup. And, just because she's in therapy doesn't mean it's working.

Try to get her to switch her to a CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) and step back from her yourself.

Honestly sometimes the BEST way you can help someone like this is to step away and HURRY UP their crash to bottom. It sounds like you are keeping her from hitting bottom. Which may be the WRONG thing in this case. If she hits bottom, maybe she will finally be able to help herself.

Ditto to Holly and Gypsy. There is nothing you can do for her. And do not give in to her emotional blackmail. It was no accident that you heard her saying that you were leaving you when she needed you most. You have your own life and you need to live it. Does she really expect you to skip work for her drama?

She needs to hit rock bottom, on her own. From what I have read of her over the years, she thinks the world revolves around her. It sounds like the rest of your family has decided that they aren't giving in to her anymore, I think it is time for you to do the same. If she can't see how wrong this whole situation is, then she has many, many issues.

I know this is hard, but you can't reason with a person who is being completely irrational.

 

[sphenequeen]

Allycat - I know firsthand what you are going through. Last year, my sister was at what I thought could be the lowest point in her almost 10 year marriage - cheating husband, raging alcoholic, deadbeat dad, unemployed, you name it. He belittled her, controlled her, and because of his lack of employment their house went into foreclosure. Despite family intervention, almost a year of what seemed to be desperation to help her get out the situation, she has decided to stay. After about a year of dealing with all of HER drama and poor decisions, I decided I had to take a step back, let my sister be the adult she is and make her own decisions no matter how poor I viewed them to be, and nurture my own sanity.

The bottom line is, I believe, that you really cannot do anything for your sister unless she wants to do it for herself. She keeps going back to this toxic situation for a reason - maybe she likes the drama and attention it gets her (that's how I feel about my sister). You obviously love your sister dearly, but there comes a point when you have to distance yourself from the circus.

Good luck and I hope you get some rest!

 

[hlmr]

What makes you think that ANYTHING you do will help her? What could you possibly do to relieve her anxiety, pain, fear, or . . . self-loathing? (Therapy, by professionals, have not helped her.)

Yes, she thinks she doesn't deserve better than this.
Yes, she's comfortable being in constant distress.
Yes, she blames everyone but herself for that distress. (You leave her when she needs you most, remember?)

No, she won't change. She's the center of your attention, after all. Your parents have learned how not to give her the attention she craves. When you reach your limit, you'll stop doing the same.


She's in a bad place. A place of her own making. You don't have to share the space with her.

I'd really like to be more positive, more affirming. . . for your sake . . . but there really is nothing you can do. (Well, pray, maybe. This is a job for a higher power.)

Yup. And, just because she's in therapy doesn't mean it's working.

Try to get her to switch her to a CBT therapist (Cognitive Behavioral Therapist) and step back from her yourself.

Honestly sometimes the BEST way you can help someone like this is to step away and HURRY UP their crash to bottom. It sounds like you are keeping her from hitting bottom. Which may be the WRONG thing in this case. If she hits bottom, maybe she will finally be able to help herself.

Ditto to Holly and Gypsy. There is nothing you can do for her. And do not give in to her emotional blackmail. It was no accident that you heard her saying that you were leaving you when she needed you most. You have your own life and you need to live it. Does she really expect you to skip work for her drama?

She needs to hit rock bottom, on her own. From what I have read of her over the years, she thinks the world revolves around her. It sounds like the rest of your family has decided that they aren't giving in to her anymore, I think it is time for you to do the same. If she can't see how wrong this whole situation is, then she has many, many issues.

I know this is hard, but you can't reason with a person who is being completely irrational.

DITTO DITTO and DITTO!!!! Especially the part about not giving in to her emotional blackmail!!

 

[allycat0303]

Junebug, chemgirl, VRbeauty, Enerchi, Zoe, ImDanny, tyty333, Anastasia, sphenequeen, hlmr, Gypsy, , Holly, Maisie

Kaleigh: I was browsing your profile on facebook in Trinidad. I was thinking I miss PS, because I'm less on it. Funny enough I was thinking about my accident too. I'm lucky that it turned out well. Flying is getting better.I still get anxiety during take-off for Montreal to pick up the patient. After that I'm fine. I even took pictures during a particularly tight landing in Bermuda. Because the Learjet is small, it descends and ascends much more rapidly then a commercial airline, and with shorter runways, landings are even more cringe inducing. I'm putting a picture up because I'm really proud of myself! I think in 3 more flights maybe I won't say *I'm scared of planes* anymore.

MovieZombie: Thanks for the suggestion on the book! I appreciate it a lot. I'm going to purchase it for her.

Upgradable: She does want to have a child badly. She has said that at a certain age, regardless of the man in her life she WILL get pregnant. She's not looking for marriage though, she's not attached to that concept.

So I've been back in Montreal for about 12 hours and have eaten and rested. I feel alive again. I honestly thought that it was an accident that she said that I was leaving her, but in retrospect, maybe you are all right....she wanted to make me feel guilty. The impression I got was that I valued *money* over her. Because as many of you know, I'm not obligated to fly. I just feel SO POWERLESS. I'm the kind of person that feels the need to solve problems, but I feel like I have nothing to offer her.

While I was gone, despite my efforts there were several meltdowns. She called my parents at 6:00 AM on Thursday nearly hysterical...my parents couldn't deal so they sent my younger brother to take care of her. He took her to breakfast and calmed her down. This is actually funny because there has been a rift between him and our family for about 5 years (I didn't speak to him for five years) and now he's so present. So that's a wonderful mixed blessing there.

She has tentatively *broken up with him* they break up weekly so take it for what it's worth. He's called her every morning leaving screaming, swearing messages. Now really, she might be allowing the behaviour, but he cheated on her TWICE so I don't know why he's screaming at her. Should be the other way around. It is the first time they've gone 3 days without speaking even in *breakup* mode, so I'm praying that it's the final time. She seems a bit more *stable* she said that she listened to the first message which was really upsetting but the 5-6 subsequent ones she deleted without hearing.

After reading everything you've written, I think it might be time, that I say something. I'm ashamed to admit, I've been very non-judgemental/understanding about the whole relationship. I've actually never told her "Change your behaviour, own it etc." I've never even told her I think he's an idiot. She easily gets defensive and angry, so I've just been a sounding board without interfering. With all the crying/pain, I didn't want to add more. Especially because she's gotten some harsh criticism from the rest of my family. I'm not sure if this is a good idea, but maybe sometime next week I'll have to speak to her? In some ways, I think it's a fine line between supporting and enabling her. I don't want this situation to continue. It's mentally exhausting on her, and I'm sorry if it's selfish but ON ME.

 

[VRBeauty]

That's not selfish at all, Ally- good for you! And congratulations on your job too... I don't know anything more about your professional life than what you've written here, but it sounds like you're bearing a lot of responsibility, and that it's incredibly interesting!

 

[Amys Bling]

Ditto Pandora.

At some point your sister will hit bottom with her addiction to bad men and bad relationships. At some point she'll realize the problem is not with them, but with her. Until that happens, the best thing you can do is to focus on your life, your responsibilities, your marriage.

my thoughts exactly.

 

[allycat0303]

Uhmmm.... I think rock bottom just happened..... My sister just called me at 6 AM, and calmly told me that he had just called her, and left a screaming message that not only had he slept with his ex-girlfriend last weekend, but that in the 8 months they were together, nearly every second week that he said *he was on call* he actually was with her. She did not sound hysterical as is her usually MO. She just said, "I need to call cell phone company to get his phone number blocked because I want to phone messages, and especially no text." And then she said it feels really bad to be cheated on. I always suspected, but confirmation in such a brutal way is a bit unnecessary.

 

[ame]

She needs to let herself be pissed for a week max, then move on. He's not worth the anger. Seriously.

 

[Pandora II]

Uhmmm.... I think rock bottom just happened..... My sister just called me at 6 AM, and calmly told me that he had just called her, and left a screaming message that not only had he slept with his ex-girlfriend last weekend, but that in the 8 months they were together, nearly every second week that he said *he was on call* he actually was with her. She did not sound hysterical as is her usually MO. She just said, "I need to call cell phone company to get his phone number blocked because I want to phone messages, and especially no text." And then she said it feels really bad to be cheated on. I always suspected, but confirmation in such a brutal way is a bit unnecessary.

Actually it's the best possible way - otherwise she would find a way to excuse it or ignore it. Blatant in your face can't really be ignored. Maybe it will give her the wake-up call that she needs to sort herself out.

Please do get her to read the book - I know it changed the lives of both myself and MZ.

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="Pandora|1323098126|3074538 Please do get her to read the book - I know it changed the lives of both myself and MZ.[/quote]

amen to that, Pandora.

ally, get a copy of the book for yourself, too, so you can understand your sister better and be supportive of her as she tries to change.

hey, and thanks for the pictures! you've come a long way yourself in a short period of time re flying. to think that you are becoming comfortable flying....did you think that would ever happen?!