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He doesn't want me to take his last name, but I want to!

galeteia

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Octavia|1316229330|3019288 said:
Galateia|1316226368|3019269 said:
Personally, I think it's more likely that the county clerks handling their license requests are dingbats and don't understand the law. We had a whole discussion about it in class when it came up, and both had been informed they were required to change their name, not required to change it within X timeframe if they were planning on doing so, which would make more sense. One woman in particular was quite upset, as it was her second marriage and she had planned to keep the same name as her children.

To answer your question about it being new, if it was within the last 4 months, would it have been published yet?

You're probably right, county clerks never seem to know what the law really is, just what they'd like it to be. If the law came about within the last four months, it might not show up in the online code yet -- but name changes are governed by state law, so it's not just something that could happen in west TX. It would have to be statewide. I would imagine a law that far-reaching would be a matter of some discussion. All I found was the DPW site saying you have to get a new driving license within 30 days of the change, whether it's by marriage or court decree. So I think it's very likely your students were given bad information by clerks who were either ignorant or had an agenda (though I can't say for 100% certain).

Considering it's west Texas, it's safe to assume it's one or the other or both at the same time. I'll never forget the fiasco of trying to get my SSN; clerk tried to tell me I couldn't get it until I came back with all my paperwork under my married name, and then it took us a good 10 minutes to get her tiny mind to comprehend I was keeping my own name. :rolleyes:

Could someone threaten legal action against the clerk/office if they were falsely representing the law, since you clarified it's state-wide? At least that's something I could give the next poor soul getting frog-marched into the Dark Ages.

To the OP- any updates?
 

LGK

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Haven|1316191101|3018884 said:
I think this is a good opportunity for you to discuss his issues with his name and how it relates to identity, and maybe help him see another (more positive) side to the whole situation.

I looked forward to changing my last name when DH and I married even though my maiden name was a much easier and more appealing name to my eye and ear. However, and this is the strange part, my paternal grandparents changed their German surname to a very bland American surname when they came to this country in the 50s, and so I grew up with this very American surname despite the fact that I lived in a very ethnic world. (Actually, my maiden name is extremely common among African Americans, so I got a lot of surprised looks from teachers when they learned which name belonged to me on the first day of school.) My DH, however, has a German surname, despite the fact that his grandparents came to the U.S. from Russia in the 30s. SO, I was excited to FINALLY have the German surname that I should have had this entire time. Of course, I'm a second generation German Jewish American, so I've faced all sorts of identity issues, myself. I can't tell you how many times a kid in elementary school met a family member (usually on a field trip), heard the German accent and German name (Helga, Fritz), and then accused me of being a Nazi. Oy to the VEY.

I guess what I'm saying is I can sort of understand your FI's perspective, as someone who happily faced a potential name change because of how it would better gel with my identity. I do feel that you should be able to take his name if you really want to, and hopefully this will be a good opportunity to really discuss these things with your FI.

ETA:

Circe--Thank you for introducing me to the word grok! I like it.

Haven, it's a Heinlein word, from Stranger in a Strange Land. Lots of grokking in that book!

I do understand how irritating it can be to have people get all intrusive about ethnicity. I... really don't *think* I look particularly exotic but I have definitely had the whole "What *are* you?" discussion. Which is vastly irritating. I love when people ask that, like you might possibly be a Martian or something. Yes, I have dark hair and eyes, and a big nose, but I'm just Euromutt, nothing "interesting". I did have one woman get all aggressive about it and accuse me of lying :rolleyes: which was so awesome.
 

MissStepcut

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Galateia|1316284624|3019578 said:
To the OP- any updates?
I brought it back up since starting this thread and he said that he is okay with it in theory, but basically that I am putting my own career in jeopardy and cited the infamous Freakonomics research on ethnic-sounding names on résumés. I told him I don't care (again). Same stonewall.
 

galeteia

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MissStepcut|1316320785|3019894 said:
Galateia|1316284624|3019578 said:
To the OP- any updates?
I brought it back up since starting this thread and he said that he is okay with it in theory, but basically that I am putting my own career in jeopardy and cited the infamous Freakonomics research on ethnic-sounding names on résumés. I told him I don't care (again). Same stonewall.

So, there is no reason for you not to take it, provided that you continue to use your maiden name professionally? :read:
 

MissStepcut

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Galateia|1316377408|3020264 said:
MissStepcut|1316320785|3019894 said:
Galateia|1316284624|3019578 said:
To the OP- any updates?
I brought it back up since starting this thread and he said that he is okay with it in theory, but basically that I am putting my own career in jeopardy and cited the infamous Freakonomics research on ethnic-sounding names on résumés. I told him I don't care (again). Same stonewall.

So, there is no reason for you not to take it, provided that you continue to use your maiden name professionally? :read:
That's absolutely true... and I might have to think long and hard about how that would make me feel.
 

KaeKae

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This is an interesting thread, to the OP, I hope you and your FI work this out so that you both are comfortable with the decision.

I was thinking though, that I don't remember changing my name after marraige being all that difficult. I did move states after the wedding, so I had to get a new liscense, anyway, and the rest just seemed like minor details, if I remember correctly. However, I was married 22 years ago.

I'm wondering, has it become so much more complicated in our post-9/11 world?
 

sillyberry

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KaeKae|1316382136|3020288 said:
This is an interesting thread, to the OP, I hope you and your FI work this out so that you both are comfortable with the decision.

I was thinking though, that I don't remember changing my name after marraige being all that difficult. I did move states after the wedding, so I had to get a new liscense, anyway, and the rest just seemed like minor details, if I remember correctly. However, I was married 22 years ago.

I'm wondering, has it become so much more complicated in our post-9/11 world?
I don't think it's really hard (in a security sense) to change your name post-marriage - best I can tell it still just requires a marriage license. Where it become more challenging, and it's possible that I'm just totally projecting here, is that I think women just have more stuff nowadays to change. Beyond the basics like your drivers license and social security, there are all the credit cards, library cards, store-based promotions, email lists, insurance, etc. Plus all work-related things. I'm not sure there were as many of those even 10 years ago.

Most of those aren't official things that must be changed, but I imagine getting them all done could take some time! A PITA I'm still deciding on undertaking!
 

doodle

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As far as anything formal with Mrs. in front of your name goes, the only possible way your last name would be indicative of your ethnicity would be if you married your own father or brother. Otherwise, the Mrs. automatically tells the person you're married, so the assumption would be likely that your surname is that of your husband's, and your husband's ethnicity wouldn't determine yours, so yeah, seems kinda funny to me. My husband's last name is a very common Hispanic name; I'm super pale and have reddish hair and green eyes. Never really been an issue. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd tell my husband that I appreciate his concern that I *might possibly* be inconvenienced on occasion if I took his name, but that's far less annoying than spending the rest of my life being the only member of the family who doesn't have the same name, so I'll be doing as I please, thankyaverramuch. :bigsmile:
 

Octavia

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doodle|1316424731|3020557 said:
As far as anything formal with Mrs. in front of your name goes, the only possible way your last name would be indicative of your ethnicity would be if you married your own father or brother. Otherwise, the Mrs. automatically tells the person you're married, so the assumption would be likely that your surname is that of your husband's, and your husband's ethnicity wouldn't determine yours, so yeah, seems kinda funny to me.

Most people don't use "Mrs." in a business setting, though, which seems to be the OP's FI's main concern. I think it could be a valid concern, depending on what her profession is and their geographical location. But as long as it's not a licensed profession where having two different names is impossible (i.e. lawyers in my state are required to practice under their legal names) it really doesn't have to be a problem -- lots of people have a professional name and a different legal one.
 

MissStepcut

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Octavia|1316439476|3020607 said:
doodle|1316424731|3020557 said:
As far as anything formal with Mrs. in front of your name goes, the only possible way your last name would be indicative of your ethnicity would be if you married your own father or brother. Otherwise, the Mrs. automatically tells the person you're married, so the assumption would be likely that your surname is that of your husband's, and your husband's ethnicity wouldn't determine yours, so yeah, seems kinda funny to me.

Most people don't use "Mrs." in a business setting, though, which seems to be the OP's FI's main concern. I think it could be a valid concern, depending on what her profession is and their geographical location. But as long as it's not a licensed profession where having two different names is impossible (i.e. lawyers in my state are required to practice under their legal names) it really doesn't have to be a problem -- lots of people have a professional name and a different legal one.
Whelp, I am indeed a future lawyer... so I guess that's out.
 

Octavia

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MissStepcut|1316456371|3020779 said:
Octavia|1316439476|3020607 said:
doodle|1316424731|3020557 said:
As far as anything formal with Mrs. in front of your name goes, the only possible way your last name would be indicative of your ethnicity would be if you married your own father or brother. Otherwise, the Mrs. automatically tells the person you're married, so the assumption would be likely that your surname is that of your husband's, and your husband's ethnicity wouldn't determine yours, so yeah, seems kinda funny to me.

Most people don't use "Mrs." in a business setting, though, which seems to be the OP's FI's main concern. I think it could be a valid concern, depending on what her profession is and their geographical location. But as long as it's not a licensed profession where having two different names is impossible (i.e. lawyers in my state are required to practice under their legal names) it really doesn't have to be a problem -- lots of people have a professional name and a different legal one.
Whelp, I am indeed a future lawyer... so I guess that's out.

Not necessarily, check to see what the state you're taking the bar in requires. I'm actually licensed in two states and only one explicitly requires this -- the other doesn't really say, just requires you to use the name you're registered under with the board. It just depends where you are.
 

Kunzite

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MissStepcut|1316320785|3019894 said:
Galateia|1316284624|3019578 said:
To the OP- any updates?
I brought it back up since starting this thread and he said that he is okay with it in theory, but basically that I am putting my own career in jeopardy and cited the infamous Freakonomics research on ethnic-sounding names on résumés. I told him I don't care (again). Same stonewall.

I don't get this. He's worried how the name will affect your resume but not your future children? They'll have careers too. I'm with those that would say I'll stick with my maiden name but the kids get my name then! I'm onboard with not changing my name, but I draw the line at not having the same name as a child that I gave birth to!
 

missy

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Kunzite|1316472095|3020968 said:
MissStepcut|1316320785|3019894 said:
Galateia|1316284624|3019578 said:
To the OP- any updates?
I brought it back up since starting this thread and he said that he is okay with it in theory, but basically that I am putting my own career in jeopardy and cited the infamous Freakonomics research on ethnic-sounding names on résumés. I told him I don't care (again). Same stonewall.

I don't get this. He's worried how the name will affect your resume but not your future children? They'll have careers too. I'm with those that would say I'll stick with my maiden name but the kids get my name then! I'm onboard with not changing my name, but I draw the line at not having the same name as a child that I gave birth to!

Yes, I have to agree with Kunzite. I think it is a lot of nerve for him to think it is OK for the kids to have his name but not yours! If he really feels the way he does about his last name he shouldn't want to impose it on his kids (btw I think that argument is ridiculous in today's world and I would even go as far to say it is better to have an ethnic name but that is another discussion for another day as I don't want to threadjack). So, why doesn't he change his name to yours so you, your dh to be and the kids all share the same last name? It makes sense if his argument is to be believed.
 
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