Haven

[CJ2008]

I was going to ask you this on Gypsy's etiquette post because it's closely related to what we're talking about there - but then decided I'd start a new thread.

ETA: I want to share that posting on PS has helped me let go of my uptight attitudes about thank yous, in particular. I'm a big thank you note writer, and a devotee of Miss Manners herself, in general, but being a part of this community (and thus, reading about others' perspectives) has helped me loosen my expectations of others' behaviors. And honestly, I'm a happier person for it. For example, I no longer harbor ill feelings for all of the little guys on DH's side who never send us thank you notes for presents. It actually feels liberating to have let that go. (My grandmother is probably turning over in her grave as I write this, but it's true. She needn't worry, *I* still say my thank yous, and that's really all that should matter.)

Can you share HOW you let that go? What did you tell yourself? And does this mean that you continue to send gifts even though there's no acknowledgment of the gifts (via a note or otherwise)?

I have a hard time with people not saying thank you for gifts...even though I've read the same postings on PS that you have - so I'm hoping to keep my mind open and see if anything can penetrate it. I don't want to be uptight!

 

[Haven]

Hi, CJ!

Ooh, that's a good question. I saw your post earlier in the day and decided to think on it for a while before I responded. I should share that I was extremely uptight about the thank you issue (as well as a number of other manners-related issues) for a while there, so if I can let it go, anyone can.

First, I think I just needed to grow up a bit. Seriously--even though *I* was raised to believe something, that does not make it a reality for anyone else and it took me awhile to really accept that. Reading everyone's experiences and thoughts on thank you notes (and other manners-related issues) here on PS helped me get there. (I am NOT saying that anyone who expects thank you notes needs to grow up, by the way, just that I needed to grow up.)

Second, my husband helped me realize that writing thank you notes is a very foreign idea to some families, and that a lack of a thank you note doesn't mean people don't appreciate the gift. As I said in that other post, the kids in his family NEVER write thank you notes, and it really bothered me for a while. But why would they? They haven't been taught to write them, and their family thinks they are outdated and unnecessary. I can't really blame the kids for it.

Finally, after getting really upset about not receiving a thank you note for a generous baptism gift we gave to a friend's child, DH challenged me to really consider why I cared so much. We had a good discussion about why we give gifts in the first place, and I realized that I really don't want to give gifts with the expectation of some sort of acknowledgment. It was a bit uncomfortable confronting that part of me, the part that wants recognition, and realizing that it wasn't the nicest way to be, but I did it and I'm happier about the whole gift-giving thing now.

I really love giving gifts. I love wrapping them up so they look gorgeous and people can't wait to rip into them. I like making them special, and knowing that I gave something to a loved one that they'll appreciate. Whether they tell me so or not.

So yes, I still give gifts to these people whom I would have thought to be ungrateful before I loosened up a bit. But that doesn't mean I don't write thank you notes myself--I write them all the time. And I won't stop. And when we have kids, they'll write them, too.

(Gah, do I go on or what? Sorry for the long post.)

 

[soocool]

I read the other thread about this topic and even though I had read and mulled over all the responses, it still irks me when I do not receive some sort of acknowledgement after I send a gift. A phone call, email, card whatever would be nice. I spent the time trying to find just the right gift, why can't the other person just use their common sense and say thank-you.

Let me give you some examples of what happened to me :

1.Mailed a graduation gift to a relative's son after receiving an invitation to the grad party, but couldn't attend. After a few months I asked if he liked the gift and she said "I guess. What did you send?" When I told her and she told me that he already had one so they kept it for themselves. Never asked if her son sent a thank-you note. Fast forward a couple of years, my sister sent them an invite to my nephew's graduation. They sent a gift and after 1 week called to tell my sister how rude my nephew was that he did not call them to thnak them or send a card.

2. Mailed an expensive wedding gift and after 6 months never received a thank you note. Called the parents because I insured it in case something happened. Six months later still nothing. I ignored it at that point. Parents called me after a year asking if I still had the receipt because the couple needed it for whatever reason. I said no that I did not have the receipt anymore. Found out that they regifted to my nephew! They were pissed after receiving their thank you note from my nephew because they did not say how appreciative they were for all the thought put into choosing the gift.

No matter what anyone tells me. I still think it is very rude if someone cannot say thank-you, if not for the gift, at least for the time, effort, and thought for that person and that person's happiness.

 

[Haven]

soocool--It sounds like you're dealing with some flat-out rude people, there.

 

[CJ2008]

Thanks, Haven, for taking the time to write this...

I must not be ready for this type of selflessness because the message still doesn't penetrate - I can't get past that for me, part of what makes me like to give a gift is the recognition - it is the feeling I get when the person says "thank you." And if I can get a really wonderful reaction, well, that's even better.

Anyway - this is likely going to be a lifelong process for me - but like a few people said in Gypsy's thread (I said it myself too, actually) people change only if they really want to change. Maybe if I keep sticking around PS long enough it will be easier.

ETA: I saw your reply earlier than today too - but I had to go back a few times to think about it...and had written a post with more thoughts on it...but then I realized the bottom line is, I'm just still not "there."