Have you gotten cold feet at all?

[musey]

After a recent conversation with a friend, I'm curious! If you have, what prompted it? When did it happen (after a milestone, or just close to the wedding, etc.)?

PS Marrieds, please feel free to vote/answer, too

 

[sumbride]

No, I was all ready to be married. We''ve been together, and living together, for so long that I felt like I knew what I was getting into. A month later, I''m still feeling that way.

I had some nervous moments about how the wedding was going to go though... performance anxiety maybe? I''d forgotten it by day of... too busy to think about it!

 

[blueyes157]

I am still far off the big day (March 2009), but I am a more private person, so I more nervous about being up infront of 100+ people with all the attention on ME! I am 1000% sure that FI is the one for me and cannot wait for the day to call him my husband

)

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Yes, I did. After 8 years of dating, 7 years of living together, me moving out because HE had cold feet, who is the one who had a panic attack the morning of the wedding? Oh yes, I did. I insisted that we spend the night before the wedding together being the oh-so-untraditional bride that I was, then as soon as we woke up I felt utterly and completely overwhelmed. I''m definitely not prone to panic attacks, but I sat up in bed, I couldn''t breath, I started to hyperventilate, then a wave of fear swept over me. What if this was all wrong? What if I forced him to propose? What if we got divorced? I think I even briefly thought "what if he hates my dress?!" (??). It was awful. Poor DH had to stroke my head to calm me down and the first thing he said after I''d regained my sanity was "See, this is why we''re not supposed to spend the night together". Oy!

We had breakfast, then parted ways for the day and when I saw him again (standing at the end of the aisle) I was completely elated. I started crying a tiny bit just because I felt like my heart was going to burst and all the stress from the day was just sort of coming out. Mostly out of my nose in the form of snot. Ick. Anyway, the rest of the day was completely amazing, but that morning was scary. as. heck.

 

[zoebartlett]

Yes, a little, to be perfectly honest. My FI and I are great together but I''d be lying if I said that I had never thought "what if..." We''ve even had a few really serious conversations in the four years we''ve been together about whether or not we were meant to be together. Even after rough times, we always manage to come back to the same answer -- yes. It''s not always easy though.

 

[luckystar112]

I definitely get nervous. It''s scary thinking that you have to think of someone else when making big decisions for the rest of your life. Of course, you should make sure you''re on the same page before you get married, but things change, ya know? My big cold-feet-getting fear is that one day FI will change his mind about moving closer to our families. I even read him nytemist''s thread and was like, "This will NOT happen to me". lol.

 

[surfgirl]

Not really cold feet but more like a mini panic attack. About 3 weeks before our wedding, I had just picked up my wedding band and I decided to wear it around the house that day so I could make sure it fit okay since it was an eternity band. So I''m wearing it and I''m using this crazy sharp bread knife and I dont know if I spaced out or was looking at my ring or what, but the knife slipped on a baguette and I sliced through half of my fingernail, right thought the nail bed. Yeah, I know, totally gross! So luckily FI was home and came running into the kitchen and I''m holding my finger tightly muttering "oh crap, oh crap..." and he looks at my finger and instead of looking like its no big deal he says, "let''s go to the ER because it looks like it''s hanging on by a piece of skin..(again, I know it''s gross)..." So we end up at my doctor''s office and his nurse is flushing the area with peroxide before he looks at it so it''s just she and I in the room and she asks what happened and I just start crying and babbling on about how we''re getting married and I wore my wedding ring all day even though I know I shouldn''t and I cut my fingernail off and I think it''s because I was looking at my ring and not paying attention and now my marriage is cursed because it''s bad luck to wear your wedding ring before you''re married and blah blah blah, cry cry cry!" And the nurse just laughed and said, "honey, nobody''s marriage ever died over a bread knife and a ring. Trust me, your marriage isn''t cursed..." She was really quite nice and I felt like an idiot for freaking out. After my finger was all bandaged up, FI took me downstairs to the little cafe in the doctors building and got me a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup and "made it all better"...and I knew right then, as we were munching on grilled cheese sandwiches in some crappy little diner cafe, that there was no reason to panic because this was the person who knew exactly what to do to make me feel okay. I was SO making the right decision!

So yeah, a little freak out is probably normal, even if it''s rather unintentional or not quite so obvious...but normal!

Phew, that was rather a long winded little tale, wasn''t it? Sorry!

 

[musey]

I think the thing I get nervous about is that maybe I'm not nervous or questioning enough... if that makes sense.

My cousin, who I'm pretty close to, ignored her "cold feet." Hers was of the "what if I meet someone else? Then I'm stuck!" variety. She brushed that feeling off and married the guy anyway, then sure enough, she met and practically fell in love with someone else 5 years later. She said she kinda knew it would happen, and probably should've listened to her gut. They have three kids, so she wouldn't leave her husband for someone else... but she'll always have that nagging feeling that there could have been a more fulfilling relationship for her out there. But then it steps into grass-is-greener territory. And there's even the possibility that going into the marriage with that mindset set her up for that problem in the future. Like she was looking for problems.


Anyway, that's what makes me nervous I guess. That there are little internal flags or foreshadowing that I'm ignoring. I don't think there are, but when someone close to you goes through something like that... you know? Kind of like people whose parents are divorced and they feel like marriage is a waste. Or something. I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. Hopefully some of you do!

 

[basil]

I voted "no". I remember about 10 minutes of thinking "oh my god, is this really it?" around the time I knew that fiance was going to propose soon. I got over it pretty fast though.

Sometimes I get concerned because we''ve only lived together a few months, and only lived in the same city a few months more than that. But everytime I see him, I just can''t stand to let him go, and that''s how I know.

 

[bee*]

Date: 11/8/2007 11:46:14 PM
Author: basil
I voted ''no''. I remember about 10 minutes of thinking ''oh my god, is this really it?'' around the time I knew that fiance was going to propose soon. I got over it pretty fast though.

I''m the same. For a couple of days before we got engaged, I was thinking about how I felt about everything and then I realised that I felt so happy that it was about to occur. We''ve been together nearly 8 and a half years and although we''ve had some tough times throughout the years, we''ve never split up and we''ve always worked through everything. I cannot wait to call him my husband.

 

[MustangFan]

We have been fighting a lot lately because we do not agree on anything for the wedding, so it makes me get cold feet and on top of that it''s all the money being sent that makes me get anxiety. I keep thinking omg are we really going to go through with this....

 

[Independent Gal]

I had a freak-out right before we got engaged. Mostly about things we''d talked through many times, like: how would we would coordinate careers? And what if I couldn''t get a greencard and had to leave the country? And then the fact that there are so many divorces in my immediate family was freaking me out. I was so used to making my own decisions and being autonomous and fancy free, moving countries, traveling alone, etc. so the idea that I can''t make big decisions just on my own anymore is a little scary. But then I read some books about marriage and how to make it work / danger signs and how to address them, as well as some books on engagement jitters and I kind of worked through the panic.

Since we''ve been engaged, I haven''t had a moment of cold feet.

BTW, the super great book on engagement jitters is "Emotionally Engaged". If you''re jittery, order a copy. They''re like $2 second hand on amazon. Totally helped me.

 

[Sha]

Date: 11/8/2007 8:48:10 PM
Author: blueyes157
I am still far off the big day (March 2009), but I am a more private person, so I more nervous about being up infront of 100+ people with all the attention on ME! I am 1000% sure that FI is the one for me and cannot wait for the day to call him my husband

)

Ditto for me! I HATE being the center of attention and so does my FI! So we were definitely nervous at the wedding - miore because of people staring at us than anything else.

Other than that, though, I did get cold feet the same week of the wedding. I think I was peeved wtih DH about something, and started thinking, "wow, no turning back...!"

 

[Clio]

I think the thing I get nervous about is that maybe I''m not nervous or questioning enough... if that makes sense.

I didn''t get cold feet at all, so Musey''s statement above makes complete sense to me. I also worried a little that I wasn''t getting cold feet, but 12.5 happy years later, I can see that I didn''t have anything to worry about. (not that I think it''s necessarily a problem to get cold feet either)

 

[robbie3982]

No cold feet about the marriage, but tons of anxiety attacks throughout the engagement about the wedding. It was always kind of humorous to me that I had no anxiety about the biggest step I''d ever taken, but had it about little things like placecards. Lol.

 

[Pandora II]

Not at all.

I was proposed to a couple of times before and said no, because I suddenly realised I really didn''t want to be married to that person. I think I always had a gut feeling that they were wrong for me all along. It was pretty bad of me, because I worked very hard to get the proposal everytime.

I spent a lot of time in therapy understanding my motivations - I always felt quite bad for them as well, though they all deserved to have been dumped months if not years earlier.

With FI, it has always felt right, I have never even had a minor doubt at all.

With the wedding I just keep feeling that the idea of poncing about in a big dress is faintly ridiculous and everyone will laugh. Then I remember that I don''t think that about the bride at weddings I go to. It''s odd because I do a lot of public speaking, but I do feel a bit shy of doing this in front of so many people - even if they are my friends and family.

 

[Haven]

I''ve never gotten cold feet about marrying my FI. In fact, this is the easiest decision I''ve ever made. I did have a few bouts of worrying about whether we wanted the same thing when he took a bit longer to propose than I would have liked, but they were never of the "is he really the one?" variety.

I''m like you, Musey, sometimes I wonder if I should be more worried. But then I remember that our decision to marry is the result of over three years of being together, and the fact that it feels so intuitively right for us to spend our lives together is enough I need to know to be unwaveringly committed to him and to our marriage.

Musey, your cousin''s story is sad, and a bit scary! But it sounds like she had her doubts going into the marriage. I hope she can find happiness with her husband.

 

[musey]

Date: 11/9/2007 10:50:32 AM
Author: Haven

Musey, your cousin''s story is sad, and a bit scary! But it sounds like she had her doubts going into the marriage. I hope she can find happiness with her husband.

Totally agree

I just heard about this debacle within the past month or so, hence my "crap, should I be worrying more about this??" moments as of late. I never had cold feet before that. Hopefully that means I can chalk it up to outside sources, not our own relationship.

blah!

But yeah, it super incredibly sucks for her. Yeesh.

 

[Foureyes]

Oh goodness, this thread is so appropriate for me right now.

I''m getting married in 6 weeks, and the stress of that on top of applying to graduate school is making me ask lots of similar questions. Part of me is scared that I''m blind to my FI''s faults right now, that I''m so excited about the wedding or the marriage that I "fall into" everything without ever making a real decision. I don''t really know... Though, neither my fiance nor I think that there is "one person" for someone, that our relationship was destined to be or whatnot... You love whom you choose to love, and it could be any number of people, the circumstances just dictate who it is in the end.

Still, my FI and I are going for Ph.D.''s in the same field, and we might have to split up for a couple of years if not more in order to obtain these. Neither of us wants to sacrifice our education for our relationship, so this is how it has to be. Still, however, it has made me question our relationship somewhat. We''ve talked about that, and my FI says he thinks my concerns are perfectly normal. We''ll definitely still get married, because we have chosen one another, and because we do love one another...but, of course, I won''t claim that "I always knew he was the one" or that there isn''t anyone else out there that would be just as compatible with me.

As an aside, I hope this message isn''t too pessimistic; I have a wonderful relationship with my FI (in terms of emotional, physical, and intellectual compatibility). I love him and I can''t wait to marry him. I think doubts are perfectly normal, though.

 

[FireGoddess]

I didn''t get cold feet....but I was nervous and did want to barf the day of, if that counts for anything.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 11/9/2007 5:17:17 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I didn''t get cold feet....but I was nervous and did want to barf the day of, if that counts for anything.

Oh gosh, FG! I get sick to my stomach every time I think about standing up in front of all of those people...I still have 8 months to go and I''m a wreck about that sometimes!

It amazes me that I can get up and teach in front of students, parents and aides every day, but the thought of my own wedding freaks me out! I get stage fright and draw blanks. I''m praying that doesn''t happen on my wedding day!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Absolutely. Believed I was making the biggest mistake of my life and on several occasions made mountains out of molehills in order to create a fight and hence have an "excuse" to give the ring back......

But my fiancee would have none of it. He wanted to get married more than anything-- had waited for me for a few years--and tried to get me to the alter as quick as possible so as to decrease the number of shennanigans he''d have to experience (I think he expected as much......). We planned a wedding and got married within 7 months of our engagement--and it was a beautiful day.

But my dread of having made a mistake did not end once we were married, it lasted for at least 6 months, and my DH had to hide my car keys so I wouldn''t take off. But once I settled into a new city, new job, a new and different relationship, and made new friends, I actually really loved being married!

I''ve been married 22 years and, funny, I remember these feelings like it was yesterday!

cheers--Sharon

 

[rainwood]

My story is the same as canuk-gal''s. In total panic at the rehearsal dinner. In the photos I just look grim. Talked to my sister the day of that I thought I might be making a huge mistake. Even told my FI at the church right before the ceremony that I was willing to go out the side door with him. He said no. We''ll be celebrating our 30th anniversary next August. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did! I''m so glad I didn''t give in to the panic.

I don''t think doubt (or the lack thereof) necessarily predicts the future success of the marriage. Some people who were absolutely sure end up getting divorced, some have long and happy marriages. Some who were in doubt have long and happy marriages, some end up divorcing. People are different so their reactions to big events are also different.

 

[Dandi]

Date: 11/9/2007 5:17:17 PM
Author: FireGoddess
I didn''t get cold feet....but I was nervous and did want to barf the day of, if that counts for anything.

Haha! Same here... although I didn''t feel nervous, just sick! I couldn''t have barfed anything though, my guts were empty, I could barely peck at food all day, even at the reception!!

 

[UCLABelle]

I really want to get married to my husband-to-be! I love him to death, but the minute I ordered my dress (or tried one on with a veil, for that matter), I started to wonder (just a small bit) whether I was getting married at the right time, etc...A bit of cold feet....but every time I see him, my feet get a little bit warmer!

 

[aquarius_ser]

No, Never!!! Not even on the wedding day!

 

[taragill]

Thank you so much Musey for starting this thread! I definitely have had the thoughts of "what if..." Me and my fiance tend to fight and always have. There are just days when I wonder is there someone out there that would be better for me. But he is a wonderful man and will make an amazing husband and father. Its just very good to know I''m not the only one with these fears