Have you ever reached a point...?

[House Cat]

Have you ever reached a point in your life when you said "enough is enough" and made a permanent change in the way you interacted with society?

I am asking because I am getting a bit worn down by people and their crap.

In my younger years, I wasn't the nicest person. I was raised by a very mean woman who said anything that came to her mind. She hurt people's feelings "in the sake of being honest." I thought all people were like that and I followed suit. Furthermore, if anyone ever crossed me, I really tore them down. Then, I got into therapy and learned that I was an *******. I worked really hard to learn to be kind. Kind isn't my default. It takes work. But maybe I've swung too far into the other end of the spectrum because it seems that others are now stepping all over me. In the interest of not opening my mouth and letting out all of the ugliness that I have inside of me, I say nothing at all. Meanwhile, people do whatever they want. They make insults toward me that they think I don't catch. Men make slimy remarks about wanting to screw me when my husband isn't looking. Strangers do all kinds of things that I would have never allowed in my younger years.

I used to know a woman who had a birthday that she used as a milestone. She called it her "F-it birthday." From that point forward, she spoke her mind.

I really think the challenge for me is to speak my mind while honoring myself. I need to temper my ugliness.

Anyway, I would like to hear from all of you. If you had any moments where you made conscious or deliberate change in your personality. How did it work out for you?

 

[cmd2014]

I think there is a difference between assertive and aggressive. Maybe you've gone too far and would feel better if you spoke your truth, but in a way that sets firm limits while remaining socially appropriate. Like saying to the slime balls who are crossing lines with you "hey, that's totally inappropriate and not ok with me." And ending contact with them if they can't be respectful towards you. Nice doesn't mean you have to put up with sh*t. It's just about not going nuclear and going out of your way to hurt people or tear them down when you're making choices for yourself that work for you. Saying "here's what works for me and what doesn't, and here are my limits/boundaries, and it's not ok with me to push them, and if you do I'm going to have to give some thought to whether a I can still be in a relationship with you" is still being nice. It's just not an "I'm going to be a doormat" version of nice.

I'm working hard at being tactful. It's not my strong suit as I tend to be very direct in what I say. I'm also working to be less impulsive (and not always say exactly what I think when I'm thinking it). I'm trying to let unimportant stuff go too. It's a work in progress...

 

[Gussie]

Great topic!
Changing personality is a tough one but it is entirely possible. I use a few rules to handle almost all situations. I did not always have these rules and they have made my life so much better!

1. Pause when agitated.
When something bothers me, I try to take a few seconds (or longer!) before reacting. It helps me to rationally choose my words so that I am not acting on emotion which can get me into trouble!
2. Set boundaries.
Any man who makes inappropriate comments has obviously crossed a boundary but is probably looking for an emotional reaction from you. Don't give him the satisfaction! See rule 1!
3. Treat others as I want to be treated.
Golden rule we all learned as kids but seems to be forgotten by a lot of people.
4. Honesty without kindness is often too harsh. Kindness without honesty is insincere.

These rules may make me sound like I let myself be walked on but it is really just the opposite. When I follow the rules I have inner peace and really don't care too much about what others are doing!

 

[OoohShiny]

Maaaaany years ago I went out with a nightmare of a girl - potty-mouthed, demanding, high expectations of gifts, little regard for my feelings or my needs... I was basically her pet, to do with as she wanted to keep her happy, and nevermind the fact I was still in school and not really doing any work because I was spending so much time being with her (trying to keep her happy). She would slam the door in my mother's face, make a massive fuss when I wanted to see my nan when she was in hospital (and only a couple of weeks from the end) and generally treated anything that stopped me from doing what she wanted as a massive inconvenience.

In the end she got bored with me because I became so obedient to her demands and she no longer had anything to fight against - other people saw her kissing random blokes on nights out and told me about it. We broke up not long after that.

That was, what, 20 years ago now, and I still don't think I've fully recovered (mentally) from it. I am unable to challenge a female of the species when she demands something, and I cannot interact with my mother properly because I don't want to do or say anything wrong so would rather say nothing.

But, anyway, I digress.

Afterwards I went out with an absolutely lovely girl, but she decided that the best friend we had (who was making a blatant play for her) was a better option and decided to move on. There was nothing I could do - I couldn't 'challenge him to a duel' (or whatever) because if I won a 'fight', the other chap would have been the poor ol' underdog and therefore more attractive anyway, so I was a gentleman and was just the best person I could be. It wasn't enough, though, and I just came home one night to not ever go back other than once to collect my stuff from her parents' house. With two failed relationships in about 2 years (despite being as good a person to my partners as I could) I was broken, and it took well over a year before I really went out or had any confidence at all.

Ironically (stupidly?) it was the nightmare ex who got me out and going into town of an evening - I'm not sure how/why we were in touch but it was probably me sending her a happy birthday message or similar (because I still try to do the right thing, even when it makes no sense). When we did go out, she hadn't changed at all - still gobby, still getting blind drunk, still pulling strangers for one-night-stands. I always hated that (unsurprisingly) but one night I realised - I didn't have to put up with this shit.

I think that night was the night two blokes she was getting drunk with decided that they wanted to have a fight and decided to do it after we'd left. As I stood outside waiting for her to notice me and stop being such a loudmouth drunk, and for these two blokes to get on with it, I suddenly had a thought - 'I can just walk away'. So I did, walking the half hour home on my own.

I don't recall her messaging me to see where I had gone, or if she did it wasn't until the next day. I literally didn't really matter in her drink-obsessed, party-girl world.

It felt good to have had that realisation and then taken that conscious decision to not waste any more time hanging round with people that don't have any interest in my wellbeing or what I want. Blokes fighting for no reason? Getting drunk to pull random strangers for a one night stand? Repeatedly using the C word in the taxi home because, you know, it's so funny? Not for me any more, thank you.

Making a conscious decision to change how you interact with the world felt empowering - I recommend it!

After that I've remained civil and have text her on her birthday, and even though she introduced me to my now wife on a previous night out, I couldn't invite her to the wedding or thank her because my family (understandably) hate her for the way she behaved and made me feel in the past. I've made the decision that this year will be the year I stop texting her birthday wishes, I think - although I don't view friendships and relationships in a 'what can I get out of this?' mindset, there seems little point in carrying on when it's out of tradition and neither party is getting any real benefit out of it. I'll feel bad about not doing it, I know, but then perhaps that's just because I'm too soft...

Next on my list is attempting to improve my now-engrained reactions to my (very strong) mother (usually saying as little as possible and expressing as little emotion as possible) because she's not getting any younger and I wouldn't want to lose her without being able to tell her I do love her. That's going to take some work...


Anyway, that's probably a case of TMI and a lot of waffle inbetween, so I reserve the right to ask for admin to delete this post later if/when I change my mind lol

Not sure that's any help whatsoever?!

 

[OoohShiny]

4. Honesty without kindness is often too harsh. Kindness without honesty is insincere.

This is possibly the best thing I have read on the internet this year.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Hey Housecat, great thread and interesting topic. Much like you, I used to have no filter in dealing with people then I had my stroke and my personality completely changed. Of course that wasn't deliberate. In your case it sounds like your personality went from one extreme to the other. Does it bother you to have to bite your tongue? For some people it would cause them to become really internally angry and frustrated maybe that's not the case for you though.

Now despite the stroke I have made a deliberate change in dealing with my MIL because I used to smile and suck it up and deal with her but now I refuse to have any contact with her. She is dysfunctional and manipulative, not someone I would deal with otherwise so she doesn't get a pass because of her title. After a particularly unpleasant exchange one Christmas I decided the charade was over. I'm a lot happier for it!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I understand what you are saying HC: people take your kindness for weakness. Or at least that is how I perceive it--as this happens to me.

I go out of my way to do things for others--and as such people take liberties with my feelings. While I am not naive, I am always shocked that people do. What is really difficult to swallow is that so many folks have no civility at all. No integrity either--they can just say and do what they want without and remorse or regardless of the consequence. I mean, in what universe is it OK to make sexual advances to a married woman?

I now set boundaries. I consciously limited my "reactions" and walk away. Literally. Or say nothing at all and carry on. It is a work in progress. My mantra is: however insincere you choose to be, I will not find myself so.

cmd2014 is well spoken and provided a substantive post.

cheers--Sharon

 

[arkieb1]

I think it's about finding a balance I'm brutally honest mostly, overly so and I know this at times offends people so I attempt where possibly to tone it down especially when I know someone will be hurt/upset by it, unless they have done something to deserve it.

 

[lyra]

I'm kind when I should be, but quite blunt all the time. I believe in open communications and honesty. I don't let things fester, I come out and try to discuss things. That doesn't mean I think I'm always right. I definitely get my mind changed through honest discourse with people.

On the other hand, I'm 55. I feel my mortality quite keenly now. So I don't put up with much bs from anyone and find it quite easy to just say "no" and to just do what I want in life. I think honesty is good. Don't be a doormat.

 

[Bonfire]

I'm sorry you grew up with a harsh Mom. I'm sure there were many hurtful experiences for you. Kudos to you for wanting to change your course. I don't believe that a kind and a gentle demeanor are always seen as weakness. I believe it's for the benefit of your own phycological well being. It doesn't mean you have so suffer fools. Kindness begets kindness in a lot of instances as does a-hole begets a-holes. I wish you well finding your balance.

 

[Calliecake]

House Cat, Everyone handles situations differently and people usually do what they think works best for them. If someone says something particularly mean I try to not to react without thinking it through. Often times I have come to realize people say things because something else is going on in their life and the anger rarely has anything to do with the person they are talking to. For myself I know I get over things pretty quickly. If a good friend says something unkind and I know the person well and it's not how they normally act, I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If something really bothers me I will probably talk to the person about it a few days later when I'm calm and they are calm. Most of the time I am completely over it a few hours later and never bring it up.

I learned at a fairly young age that the kindness of others (even strangers) can make a huge difference in the life of someone who is hurting. The people who have helped me the most have often had no idea they helped me. It was simply them being kind. Once I realized that going forward I decided that I would much rather help someone with a kind word then making things worse for them. You never know what someone may be struggling with, even someone very close to you.

There will always be people who mistake kindness as weakness. I guess I feel that is their problem, not mine. If I know I have hurt someone it bothers me for years. I know this about myself. I still feel bad for hurting one of my oldest and dearest friends when we were in the third grade. My friend doesn't even remember it but it still bothers me to this day. I would rather not have these types of regrets in my life. Keeping my mouth shut when angry has worked well for me. Words can cut really deep.

 

[Puppmom]

Housecat, I don't think it has to be all or nothing. It sounds like you know who needs a good old fashioned tongue lashing. Give it to them and save up your kindness for the rest.

I struggle to find a balance too. I grew up in a very assertive, fight for what's right family. I've softened with experience to the point of a little push-over-y. But, every now and then, I hit my limit and let people have it. The great thing is it works. When kind is your default and you lose your sh!t on someone, they pay attention.

 

[december-fire]

There are a few times that I've thought 'enough is enough'/'I'm done'.

Its been when things felt out-of-balance for me.
Life became more peaceful and calm after addressing the situations.
I don't ever want to hurt someone with my words or behaviour, and try to clearly express my views or wishes in a calm, considerate manner.
Saying mean things or always biting your tongue isn't good.

I think we're all works in progress.
Continually trying to learn.
In hindsight, I realize that I've sometimes let things go too long. The 'give an inch and they'll take a mile' thing.
I'm trying to change that.

Being nice doesn't mean you don't have boundaries and will tolerate anything.

Not everyone will be happy with you, but that shouldn't be your objective.
Its impossible to have everyone happy with you all the time.
Do what feels right for you.

 

[Missy]

HouseCat this is a great topic and thank you for such a thought provoking thread. Great replies.

When I was young I was much more naive and always thought people had good intentions. I learned in my early adulthood this is not always the case sadly. My motto became Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me and those are words I take to heart and they have served me well. As you get older you realize not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone either. And that is OK.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt but when they show me who they are I believe what I see and act accordingly. I don't give unconditional love and acceptance or unconditional friendship to just anyone but once I see who a person is and I love who that person is then I am a fiercely loyal friend. I don't have a ton of close friendships but the ones I do have are important and I put my energy time and love into these relationships.

Family relationships are the most challenging because while we choose our friends we don't choose our family so we make the best of these relationships. I learned early on boundaries are critical and again that has served me well. I have been taken advantage of before (mainly in my twenties and thirties) but that is OK. I would rather keep my heart open and unhardened and be fooled than close it to everyone. And once I am shown who someone is I learn and I don't (usually) make that mistake again. And I have learned to say no and I have learned to not only be OK with it but know it is for my well being and protection so I am good with the word no. It isn't always easy to say no but it is critical to know when you have to and drawing boundaries is important for healthy relationships IMO.

These were hard earned lessons for me but experience is a great teacher and I always try to listen and learn. I have been in relationships that made me ill physically from the emotional stress and I can now realize these relationships when I am in them and move on for the sake of my emotional well being and physical health.


I am always honest but try to be honest with kindness and if that doesn't work then I can be more blunt when necessary but I always always try to share what and how I am feeling and hope that is reciprocated in my meaningful relationships. For me relationships without honesty and without communication are not authentic relationships and I don't care for nor need superficial "fake" relationships in my life. Not for me.

There are people who suck and there are people who rock. I prefer the latter and why waste time and energy on the former?
(For the record animals always rock and why I generally prefer their company).

 

[Madam Bijoux]

My rule is to respond in kind. If someone approaches me in a civilized, friendly manner, I will be civilized and friendly in return. If someone approaches me in an unfriendly, snarky or hostile manner, I come back at them like a rabid Velociraptor.

 

[MissGotRocks]

With age comes wisdom. . .or so we hope. I don't know exactly when or how it hit me. I'm fairly certain there wasn't a particular day or time or event where I realized that I don't have to put up with anything. Or everything some folks dish out. I don't think I was ever a total pushover but I tolerated a lot of things from some people - friends or coworkers - that I hated but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings or make waves. It seldom gets beyond the first thing now. I just simply walk away and don't worry about it. I probably am less tolerant now but I don't feel bad if I don't want to entertain your comments, go to your next shindig - whatever. I do not go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone but I won't tolerate your bs either. As Madam B said above - you simply respond in kind. It is very liberating to realize that you can hold your own counsel without feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings cause they usually never feel responsible for yours either. While we all complain about age, it does have its benefits - and getting to know and truly understand ourselves is such a gift!

 

[LLJsmom]

My rule is to respond in kind. If someone approaches me in a civilized, friendly manner, I will be civilized and friendly in return. If someone approaches me in an unfriendly, snarky or hostile manner, I come back at them like a rabid Velociraptor.

i am quite scared @Madam Bijoux. Velociraptors are scary without having been afflicted with rabies. I get your point though!!

 

[Queenie60]

I was more vocal and quick to react in my younger years. However, in my 50'ish years I have peace within myself, am able to sit back and allow the ranters to rant! I have sympathy for those who feel the need to "rant and rave" - I'm not too sure when this happened but it's a nice feeling!

 

[Hayley87]

It sounds like our upbringings were similar: I was raised by a mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I've had to "unlearn" a lot of behavior that I picked up as a self defense mechanism.

Generally, I try (after SO MUCH practice) to give strangers and loose acquaintances the benefit of the doubt because I recognize that I'm primed to see abusive, underhanded attacks where they don't actually exist.

(The only times I've laid into a stranger are when their remarks have been directed at a friend. All bets are off there; I can't help it )

But with family--or with someone who's shown themselves to be manipulative/unkind, but with whom I still have to interact--it all comes down to boundaries, as others have said. It's hard. It's hard every time, especially with family. But I've learned to "gray rock" these people, or emotionally tune out while giving the necessary, polite, boring responses necessary to finish the encounter on a mellow note. It's not fun, but it allows me to continue obligatory relationships--until/when I decide to end a relationship entirely. I'm trying to avoid such an ultimatum until necessary, though.

My rule is to respond in kind. If someone approaches me in a civilized, friendly manner, I will be civilized and friendly in return. If someone approaches me in an unfriendly, snarky or hostile manner, I come back at them like a rabid Velociraptor.

Bijoux, I adore your dinosaur simile! As the self-proclaimed dinosaur nerd of PS (which I designated myself just this moment ), I'll point out that you probably have the "velociraptors" of the Jurassic Park films in your head; however, true velociraptors weren't quite 3 feet tall. Ferocious roosters, really The dinosaur the films actually used as reference was the Utahraptor, a 6' tall predator that was discovered in (surprise! ) Utah shortly before the films went into production

 

[Dancing Fire]

I was more vocal and quick to react in my younger years. However, in my 50'ish years I have peace within myself, am able to sit back and allow the ranters to rant! I have sympathy for those who feel the need to "rant and rave" - I'm not too sure when this happened but it's a nice feeling!

It happened a few months after the 2016 election...

btw; Who is your favorite SFG player of all time. Mine is #44.

 

[Queenie60]

It happened a few months after the 2016 election...

btw; Who is your favorite SFG player of all time. Mine is #44.

Not sure who my favorite of all time would be - Willie Mays would probably be my first pick. I enjoy most of them. I'm glad that Panda is back, Brandon Crawford and Buster are delightful! I don't miss many games. Even now, where we haven't done so well, I'm a die hard fan!