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Have you ever "borrowed" money from family?

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Ideal_Rock
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DF''s thread got me thinking about money and the family dynamic. My DH would literally rather die than ask his or my family for money. It is one of the major pillars of his moral framework. Thus, since paying for our wedding (this was back in the 80''s, and a very traditional custom) he''s never let them pay for anything more than dinner for us.

Now, sometimes I think he''s excessively tight in his view of money, but it works for us. What are your views, practices, experiences?
 
I have NEVER EVER asked my family for money. I do with or without. That's just the way it is.... Besides, my parents have not been around me for a looooooong time so I never could... nor would anyways.

But my husband's motther will put money into his account once in a while...
 
Well it really depends on the circumstances doesn''t it? Yes, we asked for money when after a long period of unemployment (18 months!) we were losing our house and facing homelessness with 2 kids and 2 dogs. It bridged the gap for us, we used a lawyer and paid the money back. We did have to sell our house and downsize, and obviously it was not because we were living beyond our means or anything. Just something unexpected. You need way more than 3-6 months emergency fund. Ours was good enough for 18 months, but that was the limit.
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It was a terrible feeling overall. Certainly we would return the favour if ever needed, and we did help support my SIL for a while at one point as well, but that was a "gift" not to be repayed.
 
Never borrowed from my parents, but yes, they gave me money all through college. I make very little at this stage in the game, so sometimes mom will deposit money into my account. I know, I''m a big girl, but seriously, I work for peanuts and go to school full-time and sometimes I''m really strapped. FI supports us for the most part, so I think my parents like to help me help him, if that makes sense.

Borrowed from other relatives? Never.
 
My parents paid for what little part of my college education needed to be covered (in-state school, full scholarship... just paid for room and board) and loaned me money towards the purchase of our home (will be paid back once I graduate and start working or upon sale of the home). Other than this, I hope I never had to ask to borrow from them again. I know that if we needed it in an emergency (i.e. we needed cash to avoid foreclosure or something) they would lend us money without a second thought.
 
a little more context........

Hubby''s parents sold their farm a number of years ago and there is a significant amount of $$ that will be bequeathed. His mom passed away just over a year ago and half the inheritance is already in an escrow account, but it won''t be paid out until after his father passes.

As with many folks, things are quite tight for us right now, and he is under a lot of stress due to it. I''ve made the suggestion about asking his dad to "loan" us enough so DH is not so stressed. He is utterly appalled at the mere suggestion! Was my suggestion unreasonable?
 
I don''t think your suggestion was unreasonable. Could he ''borrow'' off his inheritance? Hopefully, it could be paid back before his father passes... if not, the balanced ''owed'' could be distributed to the other inheritees?
I understand the pride involved in not wanting to borrow from family. I wouldn''t, but in extreme cases, it''s sometimes necessary. DH''s family is very free with lending, so free that it makes me kinda uncomfortable sometimes. But after 10 years with this family, I''ve realized that this is just the way things are, and I''m not gonna change it. If SIL gets a speeding ticket, and needs to borrow till her next paycheck, we do it. And she''ll pay us back.
If the stress is causing fights and causing your marriage to be stressed, and there is a reasonable way to releive that stress (borrowing from FIL), then I don''t see anything unreasonable about it. I''m sure your FIL would know things are really tight, since his son has NEVER borrowed before.
But if your hubby is dead-set against it... well I don''t know. You''re in a tough situation, and I''m not sure I''ve got any advice for you. Maybe some reverse psychology? "gee, DH. I''m not sure we''ll be able to make the mortgage payment. Maybe we''ll have to sell your (insert one of his favorite things) or my ER to make ends meet..." Is his pride that indestructible?
Good luck... I wish I had an easy answer for you.
 
DH paid for college himself and we eloped so we never asked for money for our wedding or anything. My husband''s parents did help us put money down on our first home. We wrote out a contract with them and paid them back.
 
There is a lot of money loaning in DH's and my families, but they are mostly loans to help children/grandchildren get on their feet early on without banks or credit cards getting involved in the equation. I think the way the everyone in the family views it is that if you're needing a loan because you need help with a first home loan, car loan - the kind of stuff that everyone faces when they're getting started in life - that's one thing, but if there is still a pattern of asking for money when you're 40, have kids, and a job, then you're just looking for handouts/are irresponsible. But even then, I think the family would still give.

And I do think it's a different story though in this economy. For example, if "the kids" in DH's family were all 30 years older and someone got laid off or had long-term health issues, no one would blink an eye at asking parents/grandparents for money.

Random story: When my cousins were about my age now (mid-20s), they needed a lot of help getting on their feet. My grandparents would cut one a check, and since my cousins are sisters, feel like they needed to write another check to the other sister - these were not loans, btw. Then, I'd randomly get a check in the mail, because they didn't want to be "cheating" their other granddaughter. Even in my teens, I thought this was a ridiculous practice - I was practically embarrassed for my cousin who asked for the $ in the first place, and felt extremely strange receiving money that I didn't need, but I think it also says a lot about how my family, at least at that time, viewed gifts and loans.
 
It is better to die of starvation than borrow money from, or lend money to, family.

Giving is fine.
Lending is not, because the loan frequently ends up being a grudging gift.

Also never do business with family.
Never sell a used car to family.
 
Date: 9/16/2009 4:37:06 PM
Author: kenny
It is better to die of starvation than borrow money from, or lend money to, family.

Giving is fine.
Lending is not, because the loan frequently ends up being a grudging gift.

Also never do business with family.
Never sell a used car to family.
Click to expand...
Every family is different.

Cash is pretty fluid in my family (both on my side and my husband's). We all help out each other.

There are plenty of gifts and loans floating around, have been for at least 30 years, and we're all doing fine
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I''ve never borrowed money from my parents. They put me through college and paid for my wedding, but even in college I made sure that my campus job paid for all of my discretionary spending and books. No phone calls begging for money! We don''t really talk about money either, although I know that if we had an emergency they would absolutely help us out.

My husband''s family is much more open about money. My MIL has joint money market accounts with each of her kids, and if a big event or major purchase is coming up, she''s very likely to say "If you need any help, just withdraw some money from the account." Honestly, it makes me uncomfortable because it feels like we''re not pulling our weight, and we have only taken her up on the offer a couple of times (like when we bought our first house). However, it makes my MIL happy to help her kids out, and she doesn''t attach any strings. Honestly, I even think she''d be happier if we didn''t insist on paying her back!
 
I don't think it's wrong to ask for money from family members if it is needed, it's just that I'd rather work 4 jobs and live in a cardboard box than ask. I didn't want for them to pay for my college, nor for any of the wedding or "help out" with a downpayment on a house. I started working when I was 16 after school and in the summers and that money was more than enough to pay for clothes and school supplies for the year. I never looked back.

D is the same way--I need that in a partner.
 
Date: 9/16/2009 5:06:49 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I don''t think it''s wrong to ask for money from family members if it is needed, it''s just that I''d rather work 4 jobs and live in a cardboard box than ask. I didn''t want for them to pay for my college, nor for any of the wedding or ''help out'' with a downpayment on a house. I started working when I was 16 after school and in the summers and that money was more than enough to pay for clothes and school supplies for the year. I never looked back.

D is the same way--I need that in a partner.
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Okay, that''s an interesting statement...... If you don''t think there''s anything wrong with it, why would you rather be homeless than ask? I''m just trying to understand DH''s point of view better.
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It's not wrong for other people, but it's wrong for me. Every family has different dynamics and I have several friends who've had help from their parents and they are wonderful, giving, well-rounded people. It works for them, it just doesn't work for me. My personal philosophy is that if I can't provide something for myself, then I'll do without or keep working until I can.

I wouldn't borrow money in your situation because you have luxuries you could sell first and probably be fine.

ETA: My parents used to joke that it's "fierce" independence, but that's not it, it's just pride. If I couldn't provide something for myself, it would hurt my pride to the point that I'd rather do without.
 
I would not borrow money in your case, unless I had done everything I could beforehand to raise the money that you need. Before we got our loan, we sold everything we could. My husband to this day thinks we went too far with that, as I sold many sentimental items that didn''t bring much money in the long run. We emptied our house as best we could, put it for sale, sold one of our cars, had garage sales, you name it. We didn''t ask for money technically either, his parents phoned us and offered the loan. As I said, we did it through a lawyer as well. They even put it in their wills that if they died before we repaid the loan, we had to pay the estate. Now this loan was repaid as quickly as we could as soon as we got on our feet again, so none of this became an issue. It''s a very personal issue. I certainly would never want to do it again, it felt awful to us. So I guess I can see your husband''s viewpoint. YYMV of course, and would depend upon your circumstances. Sorry you''re having a difficult time right now.
 
In my early 20''s, I asked my mom for a loan for part of the downpayment for our current home. She had no qualms about letting us borrow 10K at an interest rate of 10% per annum! That loan was paid off in record time.
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FWIW, neither of our kids has asked for a nickel ...yet
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Date: 9/16/2009 7:42:42 PM
Author: isaku5
In my early 20''s, I asked my mom for a loan for part of the downpayment for our current home. She had no qualms about letting us borrow 10K at an interest rate of 10% per annum! That loan was paid off in record time.
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FWIW, neither of our kids has asked for a nickel ...yet
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i can get a better rate from my loan shark.
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Date: 9/16/2009 4:44:30 PM
Author: musey
Date: 9/16/2009 4:37:06 PM

Author: kenny

It is better to die of starvation than borrow money from, or lend money to, family.


Giving is fine.

Lending is not, because the loan frequently ends up being a grudging gift.


Also never do business with family.

Never sell a used car to family.
Click to expand...

Every family is different.


Cash is pretty fluid in my family (both on my side and my husband''s). We all help out each other.


There are plenty of gifts and loans floating around, have been for at least 30 years, and we''re all doing fine
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Click to expand...

We''re the exact same Musey. We''ll all lend each other money (D''s family and mine) and it''s always worked out fine. If one person is stuck, none of us mind helping out until they get back on their feet.
 
Date: 9/17/2009 4:18:06 AM
Author: bee*


Date: 9/16/2009 4:44:30 PM
Author: musey


Date: 9/16/2009 4:37:06 PM

Author: kenny

It is better to die of starvation than borrow money from, or lend money to, family.


Giving is fine.

Lending is not, because the loan frequently ends up being a grudging gift.


Also never do business with family.

Never sell a used car to family.
Click to expand...

Every family is different.


Cash is pretty fluid in my family (both on my side and my husband's). We all help out each other.


There are plenty of gifts and loans floating around, have been for at least 30 years, and we're all doing fine
1.gif
Click to expand...

We're the exact same Musey. We'll all lend each other money (D's family and mine) and it's always worked out fine. If one person is stuck, none of us mind helping out until they get back on their feet.
Click to expand...
Yes, same here. That's what family's for - helping out and lending a hand when it's most needed.
 
I think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship with the family member. Sometimes it is actually the responsible thing to do (for example, if you lose your job and haven''t enough money to care for young children), and in those situations I don''t think pride should stand in the way.

Personally, I prefer not to be in debt to ANYONE (family included), but I wouldn''t rule it out if it were really necessary. Though if I were the one doing the giving, I would make it a gift rather than a loan, to avoid tension if they have trouble paying it back (seen that happen too often).
 
We have never asked for money for anything since we got married. I would not ask unless it was a completely dire situation where my children were going to go without food or shelter. They are very generous and like giving us gifts for our children (for example, they bought the baby crib for my first son, and bought the travel system for this son), but I only accept these gifts because they insist they want to do it for us. I would have no problems at all helping my parents out if anything happened and they needed it, but I think it would take some sort of huge emergency before they would ask.

I have a friend (really acquaintance) that just asked her parents for money to put in a pool at their house. I had to bite my tongue to not say how ridiculous that is. BTW, she is 32 and makes 6 figures as a pharmacist
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Date: 9/17/2009 5:27:22 AM
Author: LilyKat
I think it depends on the circumstances and your relationship with the family member. Sometimes it is actually the responsible thing to do (for example, if you lose your job and haven''t enough money to care for young children), and in those situations I don''t think pride should stand in the way.


Personally, I prefer not to be in debt to ANYONE (family included), but I wouldn''t rule it out if it were really necessary. Though if I were the one doing the giving, I would make it a gift rather than a loan, to avoid tension if they have trouble paying it back (seen that happen too often).
Click to expand...

Ditto to everything you said!
 
sure but I am talking in the sense of "Dad FI left to work with my card can I borrow some cash till he gets back" sort of thing.

Family is there to help good and bad so i don''t see anything wrong with it :)
 
Yes. When I first got out of college, my parents gave me money for the security deposit on my apartment (which was $3000) and gave me money to buy furniture. My mom has never asked for the money back, but I hope to be able to pay it back some day.

My mom also gave me money to have a picnic the day after my wedding. We were going to cancel it because I''m losing my job soon, but she said the picnic was important and she would give us the money. In general my parents are extremely generous and willing to help when I need it. They remember being extremely poor during grad school and don''t want to leave me to fend for myself the way their parents left them. I''m very grateful for it and hope to be able to help my own kids out someday.
 
FIL paid for DH's law school. Mom paid for our wedding and my college. So other than a short term $300 loan from Bank of Mom last week when we needed Earnest Deposit Money for a house and couldn't get at all of it (5 day transfer time from our online savings) I don't ask for money.

ETA: That said, if we were really, really stuck, I probably would and could. But it would be a loan!!! Paid back with interest.
 
My parents lent me the money upfront for my car, but I am paying them back with interest (only 2%, but still). I know they would lend me money if we were ever in dire financial straits, but I would have to be in pretty big trouble to ask for it.
 
No, and we hope that we will never have to. My brothers are CONSTANTLY taking $ from my parents though, and it annoys me to know that my inheritance is being blown on their home renovations, but at least we have our pride.
 
Date: 9/16/2009 2:39:35 PM
Author:Upgradable
DF''s thread got me thinking about money and the family dynamic. My DH would literally rather die than ask his or my family for money. It is one of the major pillars of his moral framework. Thus, since paying for our wedding (this was back in the 80''s, and a very traditional custom) he''s never let them pay for anything more than dinner for us.

Now, sometimes I think he''s excessively tight in his view of money, but it works for us. What are your views, practices, experiences?
Click to expand...
I feel exactly the same as your husband.
 
Ha.

My family would not spit on me if I were on fire, much less lend me money!

So it is a moot point; even if I wanted to borrow it, they would not lend it.
 
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