Have technological advances changed your relationship?

[Sabine]

Dh and I have been married for 2 years and before that we dated for 5 years, starting in Junior year of college.

When we first started going out, the computers we had were desktops used primarily for school stuff, and since it was ON THE DESK, you had to go out of your way a bit to use it. He had tv in his apartment, we had one tv per dorm building. Even in his apartment, we had one dvd player, so all the roommates would get together to watch movies, etc. in the living room. Cell phones were just phones. Ipods were pretty new, and only played music.

We went out a lot, we interacted with others a lot, and we interacted with EACH OTHER a lot.

Now we each have a laptop on a tray table at the ends of the couch, our tv has tivo, a dvd player, and an xbox 360 hooked up to it, we each have smartphones, etc.

Before, even if we ate dinner in front of the tv, we'd at least find something we both wouldn't mind watching and watch it together, and we'd talk about it, etc. NOw, instead of even watching tv together, we end up playing individually on our respective toys. If I'm watching one of my shows, he's on the computer. If he's playing video games, I'm, well, most likely on here.

We've talked about this issue several times and we both feel like our relationship would benefit if we both took a break from our electronics and spent more time together. But at the same time, we have a 1 yr old so it's hard to get out of the house, and most of our down time is when he's napping or asleep, and no matter how hard we try to stop using the gadgets when we're home, it doesn't last long.

Do you and your SO each do your own thing with your own toys when you're both home? Do you find it affects your relationship? Any tips on breaking the electronic gadget habit?

 

[elrohwen]

DH and I have only been together for 5 years total, so there haven't been that many technological advances. In college, used instant messenger to communicate. Now, at work, we use the instant messenger that is integrated with our email to communicate (I sweat it's the primary form of communication at the company in general). We do text message more now, but that's because we have BBs with full keyboards - DH refused to text on a regular phone before. Neither of us spend a lot of time fooling around with our phones or anything - they go on the chargers and that's it. When we first got them I think we were a bit more attached to them, but that was because they were new I think. Now they're more utilitarian and we use them for looking things up on the go, finding directions, checking traffic, etc.

We only have one tv, so no matter how many video game consoles or dvrs come on the market we will have to use them together or one person will use it at a time. I'm not crazy about ever getting a second tv because I like that it forces us to compromise and spend time together. Plus, if DH had his own tv for video games I would never get him to stop playing on the weekends. I do wish we had another room where I could go while he's playing games - our current house is too small to give me a reading room or library or something.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sabine, my husband and I have been together as long as you and your husband, but we were well out of college before we met. Well, actually, I had been out of school for 7 years but he was still attending (he didn't begin until he was 25, and he took a long time to finish since he was going PT at night). Anyway, all that to say that technology hasn't really changed much in these 7 years.When I was in college, yes, things were very different, but I had graduated years before I met my husband. By the time we met in '03, everybody had cell phones, laptops, gadgets, etc.

My husband plays NHL Hockey on his XBox, and he's pretty addicted to it. Someday we'll have a third bedroom so that can become his game room, but for now, the XBox is in the living room. Since we moved in mid-June, he hasn't even touched it though and in fact, he hasn't even hooked it up. I'm not going to mention to him either because I know once I do, he'll fall back into his almost zombie-like state as he plays.

I know technology has affected our relationship because we can't break the habit of eating in front of the TV. We'll usually watch a movie or catch up on something that we DVRd. I hate spending money, but when my husband plays hockey, he's always looking out for the latest version/edition and a better/newer game controller. I don't see the point in upgrading constantly, so we have discussions about that occasionally.

We have 2 TVs: one in the living room and one in our bedroom. If we want to watch separate things, I'll usually be the one to go into the bedroom and we'll do our own thing. This obviously affects our time together. There are times when I wish we could had more quiet time at home, but neither one of us can seem to break the habit of having the TV on.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Despite "doing our own thing" on the net/tv/phone all the time, I don't think it is taking away from our relationship because we DO still find time to spend together (even with a 4 month old). I think it's about balance, not taking something away.

 

[Sabine]

Yeah we haven't found a balance. Today dh took a break from doing work (on his laptop on the couch) to run to Target with ds and me...he had his phone out in the car and I asked what he was doing, and he sheepishly said "surfing the web...I hadn't been on all day since I was working). So he put the phone away, but it still bugs me that his first instinct is to play on his phone instead of actually talk to me.

 

[elrohwen]

I wanted to add that DH use technology to bring us together. He has his games that he plays only by himself, but we also try very hard to find video games we can play together. It's a lot of fun and I like that he can take over during the difficult parts Almost all of the video games we own are ones we've played together - I'll at least try to play in co-op mode (where we can play at the same time) then he'll continue to play many more hours in online mode. And some games are ones that we've played entirely together. What can I say, we love our tv!

 

[Jennifer W]

This was a bit of an issue for us a few years back. We both sat with laptops in the evenings, catching up with work or looking at stuff online. Sometimes we weren't even sitting in the same room. When I got pregnant, we thought it was time to change that.

Ok, don't laugh at us, but we took up knitting. That way, we thought at least we'd sit in the same room while we learned together from a book and DVD. Then when we got better at it, we could talk while we knitted. Plus, we'd create lovely things for our baby, created jointly by both her parents. What could be more perfect? So a shared hobby that's new to both of you might be a breakthrough. Or not. Because that was our theory...

In reality, I knitted and knitted and knitted and now turn out some really professional looking things (though I say it myself). DH knitted and created an amorphous, greyish woollen lump. Many times. He swears a lot, too. I learned some new words, in fact. Well, he was a navy officer, he knows some excellent curse words. It's so bad it's funny - I have never seen anything defeat him before, or heard any person swear so much. He's the most competent person I ever met, I thought there was nothing he couldn't do.

To restore the natural balance, and to let domestic harmony creep back in, I've bought him a new laptop and moved all my yarn and knitting supplies off the sofa in our library so he has somewhere to sit when I'm knitting in the living room...

Jen

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Strangely enough, we're less connected to technology now than when we met. DH and I met over 11 years ago online--when AOL had chat rooms and broadband wasn't available. The first year of our relationship was long-distance, so we talked on the phone constantly--we even watched movies together over the phone. When we both started working after I graduated from college we'd IM each other from work and send a lot of emails.

Now DH is so technologically-adverse that he got rid of his cell phone altogether. We never IM each other at work, we just call each other if one of us needs to tell the other something because it's more efficient. During the winter we do tend to watch TV together, but we have an agreement that we'll only watch shows we both like. During the summer we tend to spend time outside after work. We take the dogs out, have (golf) chipping contests in our yard. I find it a little funny that we met online since we are probably the least tech-savvy couple I know...well, with the exception of my parents.

 

[Haven]

Sabine said: Do you and your SO each do your own thing with your own toys when you're both home? Do you find it affects your relationship? Any tips on breaking the electronic gadget habit?

No, we don't often do our own thing with our toys when we're both home. If we're both home, we're usually doing things together. A good friend of mine once asked me when I knew I was in love with my husband, and I said it was that he's the least annoying person I've ever met. I was joking, but there's a seed of truth there--he's the only person I've ever met whose company I enjoy for endless amounts of time. Everyone else annoys the hell out of me after a short while.

We only have one television, and that will never change. We leave our BlackBerries in our chargers when we're home, and we never answer them after 8 PM. We don't use our house phone. We don't have any of those video game players, and we only use our iPods when we're working out alone. If I were you, I'd get rid of all but one television, though I have a very strong belief about that. I would also try to reshape the way you look at your cell phones. DH and I treat our phones the way we treated home lines: they are only necessary when we need to make a phone call, or to check our messages when we are ready to return any messages we might have gotten. We turn our ringers off at all other times, and when we're ready to deal with phone calls, we take a look. I'm shocked by this habit most people have of being enslaved to their cell phones. You don't HAVE to answer your phone whenever it rings. Turn it off. Put it away. Treat your time as sacred time and refuse to let others invade it.

I can see how technology could separate a couple. I think the best way to break your technology habit is to replace your techno habits with things you can do together:

- Watch a TV show together. Do you have any that you both enjoy? DH and I have a BLAST dissecting The Bachelor, The Office, and Gordon Ramsay's shows. We obviously don't always have time during the week to watch all of those shows, but we DVR them and when we fall really far behind we do a marathon on a weekend night, which is super fun.

- Workout together. DH and I go to the gym together, go bicycling together, rollerblading, hiking, etc. We are totally going to be that couple with the chariot hooked onto our bikes when we're parents.

- You have a dog, right? We walk our dog together in the evenings and on Sundays, and it's a REALLY nice time. We walk her three times a day, alone in the morning (whoever leaves for work last does that walk) and alone late at night, but our evening walk is always together. I think you would love walking together, it's so much fun. I see couples in our neighborhood all the time who are walking a dog and pushing a buggy with their baby in it, that could totally be you two!

- We definitely don't read the same things, but we read "together" at night before we go to bed. We crowd together on the love seat and read our respective books at night. We're technically doing our own thing, but we're doing it together! We like to go sit in parks or the Botanic Garden or the beach during the summer and lean against each other back to back and read, too. It's so much fun.

- Go grocery shopping together.

- Cook together. DH doesn't cook a lot of things well, but he likes to potter around in the kitchen when I'm zooming around doing my thing. He's good for chopping (some) veggies, crushing garlic, putting things away . . .

- Run errands together on the weekend. We always spend our Saturday afternoons taking care of errands together.

- I would try to foster some shared hobby or passion, or in the very least an interest, that you can develop and appreciate together. DH and I share a love of so many things, and those things are all opportunities for us to do something together.

 

[yssie]

That's a wonderful story Jennifer


FI and I met (in person) in college but we really got to know each other by phone, email, and instant messenger whilst we were on opposite coasts, so I'd say technological advances created our relationship

 

[rhbgirl24]

My DH and I have been together almost 14 years - married for working on a year. Its funny, in college (early 2000s) we didn't have cell phones and we were 9 hours away from each other. Our phone bill was INSANE! We used IM to chat when we could, but wasn't the same. If we had unlimited cell phone plans like we do now, thing would have been a lot easier!