Has anyone neeed to do this?

[nytemist]

Not to be too personal, but has anyone filed for separation? What is the process? And did it work to improve the marriage?

 

[neatfreak]

I don''t have any experience but I just wanted to send big hugs if this question was for you!

 

[nytemist]

Yes, the question is for me. I have been looking into having to do this and just wondered how others have dealt with it. Thank you for the hugs.

 

[NovemberBride]

nytemist,

The process will depend upon which state you live in. Some states require a formal filing for separation prior to a divorce, while others do not recognize a formal separation legally (i.e. you would go straight to filing for divorce if that''s what you wanted to do). I would suggest consulting a lawyer in your state for more specific information. I am not sure I understand your second question, as I am not sure how filing for a separation would improve a marriage? Separation is generally a precursor to divorce (speaking legally here), so I am not sure why someone looking to improve their marriage would file for separation? Perhaps counseling would be a better option?

 

[Erin]

HUGS nytemist!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

No advice or suggestions...just support ((big hugs))

 

[nytemist]

November, I asked that since there are couples who take time apart to sort themselves out and then try to reconcile. We have been seeing a therapist since last summer and it has done little to finally get my husband to open up and talk about our future plans or anything else lately. I haven''t been in his condo since the end of December, but we do still see each other about once a week to try dating again. We have not been able to get past his fear of making any changes in his life. A lot has come out in therapy, that he really resisted changing his condo, painting, getting furniture, anything. When I left he was suddenly ready to talk, but I''m starting to feel like I need to not be around him and decide once and for all if this should really continue. We are in MA.

 

[ChinaCat]

I agree, it depends on the state. You can probably google it, I know most states have that kind of information online.

Just wanted to wish you the best. I remember reading some of your previous posts about your frustration and I''m really sorry it hasn''t gotten any better. But you deserve a full partner in life. Hugs.

 

[mercoledi]

A co-worker of mine did this, but I don''t recall the details. You don''t formally file in MA unless there are financial complications. Loads more info here.

And hugs, I''m so sorry to hear this.

 

[akw94]

Date: 2/25/2009 10:31:45 AM
Author: nytemist
November, I asked that since there are couples who take time apart to sort themselves out and then try to reconcile. We have been seeing a therapist since last summer and it has done little to finally get my husband to open up and talk about our future plans or anything else lately. I haven''t been in his condo since the end of December, but we do still see each other about once a week to try dating again. We have not been able to get past his fear of making any changes in his life. A lot has come out in therapy, that he really resisted changing his condo, painting, getting furniture, anything. When I left he was suddenly ready to talk, but I''m starting to feel like I need to not be around him and decide once and for all if this should really continue. We are in MA.

I''m so sorry! I don''t have any advice to offer on separation, but I do think you have to do what you feel is right for you.
Take care of yourself!

 

[chrono]

I have no idea but wanted to chime in with my support for you. I''ve read about your engagement, marriage and moving in and now this news. I''m sorry but stay strong and keep your chin up.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 2/25/2009 10:21:46 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
No advice or suggestions...just support ((big hugs))

Ditto

 

[joflier]

Just sending you some hugs! I hope your able to sort things out. Whatever happens, always remember you come first, and that its sooo important to take care of yourself and do whats best for you. Best wishes!

 

[nytemist]

Mercoledi, thanks for the info. I had a talk with him last night and informed him that this time apart should continue until there is some kind of progress from him; like he actually takes an interest in this marriage again. As expected, he was surprised by how I feel, even though this has come up in in our therapy appointments since the beginning. Another example of him not hearing me when I speak. I figured I would ask here since I don''t know anyone in real life that have taken time apart when married. I know this has been an ongoing issue with us. Thank you all for the hugs and virtual support, I guess others here were right that it seemed I have married the wrong person. There was so much we wanted to do before marriage and now two years into it he has no motivation to talk about our furture plans together. I will see him tomorrow and try to figure out from there if this is even worth trying to save; I can''t make him feel his marriage is important, he has to want to. His sister has asked me to not give up on him since he''s always needed to be pushed to do anything. I''ve told her he''s grown man who knows what marriage is ans he should be wanting this to work on his own.

 

[dragonfly411]

nytemist. I don''t have any words of advice but wanted to send my hugs and support!

 

[redfaerythinker]

oh nytemist... I just wanted to give you a hug. I''m sorry life is poopy for you right now.

 

[mercoledi]

Oh Nytemist, I''m sorry to hear it''s been so bad. I remember your threads in BWW and hoped things had improved. I''ve seen this with another couple, where two people care about each other, but one simply doesn''t think of the union as a team. It doesn''t have to be malintentioned, but it becomes difficult for the other person to drag the oblivious one through.

The couples I know who have separated have all eventually divorced, but those situations involved other factors (infidelity, substance abuse, etc).

Only you can say if the relationship is worth the investment it requires from you. I''m very sorry to hear about this, and I wish you all the best. As I said, a coworker of mine recently divorced, and if it comes to that or if you just want more information, you''re always welcome to contact me.

((hugs))

 

[onedrop]

nytemist: I am really sorry that things haven''t changed in your relationship and that you are even considering separation. But you have to do what''s best for you and it seems like you are taking a step in the right direction. I hope everything works out for you. Perhaps, perhaps your husband will take more interest saving the marriage as a result. Either way, best wishes to you.

 

[FrekeChild]

Awww nytemist. I''m sorry you''re going through this. My cousins'' are currently separated and meeting with a divorce mediator, and they are going through a mess emotionally. They were married for 23 years, so there is a lot of baggage there. Anyway, I know it''s really hard to go through.

I just wanted to offer you some hugs....

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[purrfectpear]

I remember all your previous posts and I''m sorry to see that it''s come to this, but I can''t say I didn''t think it might. You deserve more. You''re ready to live in NY, follow your dreams, and take risks. You married a man who thinks changing brands of toothpaste is risky

You need do what is best for you and your continuing growth as a person. Good luck and hugs

 

[portia]

nytemist,

I''m so sorry to hear this. I remember reading your wedding and relationship threads. Sorry things aren''t getting better in your relationship. Sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction with counseling. I can''t offer any advice about separations, but I can send big ((hugs)) to you!!

 

[VRBeauty]

Nytemist: I'm glad to "see" you again, but very sorry about the circumstances. Your DH's passivity must be so frustrating for you!

I have know people who separated and got back together, but I think the key there was that both wanted to make their marriage work. In one case there was an addiction involved. It wasn't really acknowleged or dealt with until after the couple got back together, but in their case, the marriage is incredibly strong now (which is a good thing, because it's really being tested by this economy...) and I'm sure that the steps taken to deal with the addiction helped. Another couple I know was divorced for several year and ultimately re-married, and the marriage is currently surviving households in two separate states. Both of these couples had children, both shared strong religious beliefs. I'm not part of either of these couples, however. I'm a longtime single, and for me, being "lonely" alone is far less painful than being lonely as part of a couple. That's the best way I can put it... maybe you know what I mean.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 2/26/2009 8:30:14 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I remember all your previous posts and I''m sorry to see that it''s come to this, but I can''t say I didn''t think it might. You deserve more. You''re ready to live in NY, follow your dreams, and take risks. You married a man who thinks changing brands of toothpaste is risky

You need do what is best for you and your continuing growth as a person. Good luck and hugs

Ditto.

Nytemist, I''m not dittoing PP as an "I told you so", but more because I really hoped that it would work out for you!
I remember reading your posts about wanting to leave and your DH all of sudden being not so into it anymore. I feel like I can relate because I took a huge leap of faith in marrying my DH and I feel our marriage is dependant upon leaving Houston when I graduate next year. Of course he''s on board NOW but what about when the time finally comes, you know?
So I''m so sorry things aren''t looking good. You know your relationship best. Sometimes you need to separate for a little bit to clear your head and figure out your next move.
Good luck!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/26/2009 4:23:01 PM
Author: nytemist
Mercoledi, thanks for the info. I had a talk with him last night and informed him that this time apart should continue until there is some kind of progress from him; like he actually takes an interest in this marriage again. As expected, he was surprised by how I feel, even though this has come up in in our therapy appointments since the beginning. Another example of him not hearing me when I speak. I figured I would ask here since I don''t know anyone in real life that have taken time apart when married. I know this has been an ongoing issue with us. Thank you all for the hugs and virtual support, I guess others here were right that it seemed I have married the wrong person. There was so much we wanted to do before marriage and now two years into it he has no motivation to talk about our furture plans together. I will see him tomorrow and try to figure out from there if this is even worth trying to save; I can''t make him feel his marriage is important, he has to want to. His sister has asked me to not give up on him since he''s always needed to be pushed to do anything. I''ve told her he''s grown man who knows what marriage is ans he should be wanting this to work on his own.

Good. For. You.

I applaud your ability to move and do what''s hard. I am sorry to hear this, but like a few others, I am not surprise. That doesn''t make it any less sad to hear. You''ve got dreams nytemist, time to live them.

Best of luck.

 

[LAJennifer]

I''m so sorry, Nytemist. I really was hoping things would work out. However, I do feel there are brighter things in store for you - your life is just beginning.

 

[zhuzhu]

Nytemist,
I am sorry for the problems you have to go through. I wish you strength and wisdom to overcome this difficult phase.

HUGS!!!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Oh, I''m so sorry about your current situation. I remember you well from the BWW and still think back on your violet dress! I''m hoping that you''ll be able to settle things soon, as I can only imagine the heartache.

Sorry I have no information regarding the separation process. I hope counseling starts to have an impact on him. Oh how I hope!!

 

[nytemist]

I appreciate the hugs and the positive vibes. Either he will get it through his head or this will be a very rough weekend. It''s good to talk to others about this. All the other married couples I know are like storybook happy, most of my single friends have nothing good to say about relationships, so it''s hard to get a balanced opinion.

 

[Pandora II]

Remember you only get the one life, and you deserve to spend that being as happy as possible.

I recall all your past posts and I don''t think that you have been happy for a long time now. I understand working at a relationship (been there, done that) but sometimes you have to realise that it''s just not worth it.

I''ve watched my deeply incompatible sister and her husband struggle over the last 9 years - the problems were there before they were even engaged and things have never really got better. Instead they have just dragged two kids into the mess. Things had been quiet for a few months, then my father called me last week to say that BIL has asked for a divorce - again....

I wish they had divorced years ago - the chances are each would have found a partner better suited to their personalities and needs and there would be two happy people rather than four miserable ones.

Having dated some deeply unsuitable men and reckoning at 32 it wasn''t likely that there was really the right person out there, I''m now 36 and married to a man where I don''t ever feel I''d like to spend 10 minutes inside his head to work out what the heck he really thinks and where my dreams and his dreams are our dreams.

I really think you need to take a proper break and look out for yourself. Don''t be blackmailed into staying by his family - that is very unfair of them.

It''s a very hard decision to make, but you have taken the first steps which are always the most difficult - things can only get better whatever direction they take.

Big hugs and look after YOURSELF!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 2/27/2009 1:42:24 PM
Author: nytemist
I appreciate the hugs and the positive vibes. Either he will get it through his head or this will be a very rough weekend. It''s good to talk to others about this. All the other married couples I know are like storybook happy, most of my single friends have nothing good to say about relationships, so it''s hard to get a balanced opinion.

Thinking of you