Handling Sibling Bickering

[yennyfire]

The spanking post made me curious....we don't spank (though I swatted hands occasionally when they were babies and about to touch something hot or otherwise dangerous). My kids are, for the most part, well behaved. They are role models/leaders at school and always incredibly polite and well mannered at friend's houses and in public.

What happens at home is a different story. My son, who's 8 and my daughter, who's 7, fight ALL THE TIME. Mostly, over space in the playroom. My son loves to play "baseball" with a light saber and small plastic wiffle ball and it takes up a lot of space in the playroom. Meanwhile, my daughter wants to play with her doll house (which is too large for her small room) and most days, they end up in bitter fights that end with one or both crying. I have tried various methods to deal with this: telling them to work it out themselves, taking turns in the playroom, banning both from the playroom...nothing works. My son complains that DD follows him everywhere (which she does...she's a great button pusher) and that I always tell him to deal with it because he's older. I can relate to his feelings because I'm the oldest in my family and always resented being the one who got in trouble or had to make concessions to make little sister happy.....I want to make sure that I handle this in a way that not only solves the problem, but is fair to both and teaches them something valuable about getting along....

So, oh wise ones who've "been there, done that" and raised well adjusted, productive members of society....any suggestions for managing this situation in a way that will result in family harmony and children who get along (at least most of the time)???? I'm kind of at my wits end....TIA!!!

 

[Sparklelu]

We used to put a tape line down the middle of the room and told them to keep to their own side! It actually worked.
And these were the kids who while riding in the back seat of the car one (DS) complained that DD was looking out his window!!
They also argued over a bagel with a bite taken out of it.... Each claimed that one was theirs!!!

 

[momhappy]

Do they have their own space somewhere? My children are very close in age and we learned that they sometimes need their own space. It sort of sounds like your son's activities monopolize much of the space in playroom - is that correct? If so, that might set up an unfair advantage that's causing your daughter to act out/push buttons. Is there some other space in the house where you could put her doll house? Could some of his playroom activities be moved elsewhere? Obviously, that's only part of the problem, and the two of them need to learn to get along/solve their conflicts as well, but having their own play space is important too.
My kids fight/bicker a lot, but they often avoid each other simply by having their own spaces to play. When they do share the playroom, fighting inevitably occurs and I encourage them to work out their own conflicts (with talking). Sometimes, the fighting continues and sometimes, they actually work it out. I think it's pretty normal, but I can certainly appreciate the fact that it's not fun to listen to/deal with as a parent. They sometimes drive me crazy with their bickering. I have seen my son put cereal boxes in between he and his sister so that she can't look at him during breakfast Other times, they are the best of friends. Go figure.

 

[JewelFreak]

And these were the kids who while riding in the back seat of the car one (DS) complained that DD was looking out his window!!

How about splitting time in the playroom? DD gets a certain amount of time to play w/her dollhouse & during that period DS finds something to do in his room or outside; then he has his own chance to be in there by himself. If he will agree to do something less disruptive & it's ok with her, maybe he could be in there too, but to play with his saber & ball, he has to wait for his turn. Good way for them to learn to delay gratification, without much pain. You could make up a schedule for each day.

 

[purplesparklies]

I have two boys who tend to bicker constantly when allowed to do so. It ends very quickly now since I instituted the following: "If the two of you can't find something appropriate to do and get along with each other, I am happy to give you something to do."

The something to do is always a chore. Their least favorite is cleaning the baseboards in our entire house. Each child gets a lightly damp microfiber cloth and they are sent to opposite ends of the house. I only had to do this a handful of times. Since then, I may only have to say this once every few days. Other possibilities would include dusting all the blinds, wiping down doors, outlet covers, switch plates, organizing closets, organizing the garage. Sometimes I have purposely chosen to make them work closely together so they are forced to cooperate to complete the task. I am a believer that feeling challenged in one are means you need more practice to overcome the difficulty.

Good luck!

 

[yennyfire]

These are some great ideas, thank you! I have tried the splitting time thing and it works, but isn't really teaching them to get along (or maybe I'm deluding myself that this will actually happen???).

They do have their own rooms full of toys to play in, but they aren't all that large (at least not large enough for a huge doll house and for a "field" of bases)....

We have had the "she's looking out my window" comment...good grief!!

Purplesparklies, I think you are a genius!! The next time they fight, I'm going to try your method....hey, maybe I can get my baseboards cleaned in the bargain...if they're smart, it will be a one time thing, if not, Mommy may get a break from housecleaning!!!

Thanks ladies!

 

[ruby59]

[quote="purplesparklies|1379265244|3521221"]I have two boys who tend to bicker constantly when allowed to do so. It ends very quickly now since I instituted the following: "If the two of you can't find something appropriate to do and get along with each other, I am happy to give you something to do."

The something to do is always a chore. Their least favorite is cleaning the baseboards in our entire house. Each child gets a lightly damp microfiber cloth and they are sent to opposite ends of the house. I only had to do this a handful of times. Since then, I may only have to say this once every few days. Other possibilities would include dusting all the blinds, wiping down doors, outlet covers, switch plates, organizing closets, organizing the garage. Sometimes I have purposely chosen to make them work closely together so they are forced to cooperate to complete the task. I am a believer that feeling challenged in one are means you need more practice to overcome the difficulty.

Good luck![/quote]

+1. My parents did it to us. And I followed with my own children. I gave them a chance to work it out, and if they could not, then I gave them chores to keep them busy. It did not take them long to figure it out and learn how to compromise.

One of mine saw it when living in the dorms. It was easy to spot the kids who were used to having it their own way. They made the worst room mates.

But one thing did work for me in that I would give each child alone time with me. Three days a month, (1 day for each child) I would ask my sister to watch the other 2, and the 3rd could pick a special activity for just the 2 of us.

 

[yennyfire]

[/quote]
+1. My parents did it to us. And I followed with my own children. I gave them a chance to work it out, and if they could not, then I gave them chores to keep them busy. It did not take them long to figure it out and learn how to compromise.

One of mine saw it when living in the dorms. It was easy to spot the kids who were used to having it their own way. They made the worst room mates.

But one thing did work for me in that I would give each child alone time with me. Three days a month, (1 day for each child) I would ask my sister to watch the other 2, and the 3rd could pick a special activity for just the 2 of us.[/quote]


I do that ruby! We each take a day a month and we each do something special with one of them, then switch the next month, so that they each get special alone time with us. It's actually some of my favorite time with the kids and it's nice to be able to talk with them without any distractions. I rocked my son's world when I picked him up 30 minutes early from school last month to take him to the new Percy Jackson movie the day it opened!! I'd never taken him out of school early before and he thought that was so naughty!! Of course, I had to make him promise that he wasn't going to go back to school the next day and tell everyone what we'd done!

 

[ruby59]

+1. My parents did it to us. And I followed with my own children. I gave them a chance to work it out, and if they could not, then I gave them chores to keep them busy. It did not take them long to figure it out and learn how to compromise.

One of mine saw it when living in the dorms. It was easy to spot the kids who were used to having it their own way. They made the worst room mates.

But one thing did work for me in that I would give each child alone time with me. Three days a month, (1 day for each child) I would ask my sister to watch the other 2, and the 3rd could pick a special activity for just the 2 of us.[/quote]


I do that ruby! We each take a day a month and we each do something special with one of them, then switch the next month, so that they each get special alone time with us. It's actually some of my favorite time with the kids and it's nice to be able to talk with them without any distractions. I rocked my son's world when I picked him up 30 minutes early from school last month to take him to the new Percy Jackson movie the day it opened!! I'd never taken him out of school early before and he thought that was so naughty!! Of course, I had to make him promise that he wasn't going to go back to school the next day and tell everyone what we'd done![/quote]

That just brought back a memory. Like I said in the other thread, when my children were young my husband worked day and night and traveled alot to establish his career. I knew the girl stuff well and we did some great things. But I had to learn the boy stuff as well. I remember taking my son to the batting cages (I got pretty good), taking him to Pawtucket red Sox games, going to Monster Truck rallies, and even learning how to play laser tag. Biggest compliment that makes me smile to this day, was when he said to me that I would have made a great dad. Oh, the memories.

 

[yennyfire]

+1. My parents did it to us. And I followed with my own children. I gave them a chance to work it out, and if they could not, then I gave them chores to keep them busy. It did not take them long to figure it out and learn how to compromise.

One of mine saw it when living in the dorms. It was easy to spot the kids who were used to having it their own way. They made the worst room mates.

But one thing did work for me in that I would give each child alone time with me. Three days a month, (1 day for each child) I would ask my sister to watch the other 2, and the 3rd could pick a special activity for just the 2 of us.

I do that ruby! We each take a day a month and we each do something special with one of them, then switch the next month, so that they each get special alone time with us. It's actually some of my favorite time with the kids and it's nice to be able to talk with them without any distractions. I rocked my son's world when I picked him up 30 minutes early from school last month to take him to the new Percy Jackson movie the day it opened!! I'd never taken him out of school early before and he thought that was so naughty!! Of course, I had to make him promise that he wasn't going to go back to school the next day and tell everyone what we'd done![/quote]

That just brought back a memory. Like I said in the other thread, when my children were young my husband worked day and night and traveled alot to establish his career. I knew the girl stuff well and we did some great things. But I had to learn the boy stuff as well. I remember taking my son to the batting cages (I got pretty good), taking him to Pawtucket red Sox games, going to Monster Truck rallies, and even learning how to play laser tag. Biggest compliment that makes me smile to this day, was when he said to me that I would have made a great dad. Oh, the memories.[/quote]
Aww, that's so sweet Ruby! It's the same here. I'm one of two girls, so the boy stuff doesn't come naturally. You just gave me some great ideas!!

 

[SB621]

Yenny- My kids are younger then yours so take this with a grain of salt as I'm not sure it will work as they get older. If my DD is in the playroom then either myself or my husband takes DS to do something else. We go to the movies, to the park, basically have 1 on 1 time. And then vice versa when DS is in the playroom. We found that as long as both kids aren't focusing on each other they get along better. Today they were both playing and they wanted the same toy. DS ended up going to the store with me to get ingredients to bake a cake so DD played with the toy. Then we got back and he was happy to be given the toy by DD and she went off to something else.

I'm not a huge fan of parents telling kids to work it out themselves as that is what my parents did for my brothers and I....and we have a very strained relationship since we were children.

 

[yennyfire]

Good point SB about telling them to work it out possibly backfiring...

As my kids ARE older, I don't feel that I should need to entertain one whe the other is in the playroom. They should be able to self entertain WITHOUT fighting! Somehow, I don't feel that is an unreasonable expectation.

 

[JewelFreak]

I think Purplesparklies' idea is genius too. I imagine that gets the point across pretty fast -- at least within a few incidents. And get some cleaning done.

Ruby -- love the comment that you'd make a great dad. That should be coated in gold -- it's a real award!

--- Laurie