Guilt

[Tacori E-ring]

Anyone else have guilt issues?

Long story short, I am in the middle of a break-up with my dentist She is a LOVELY woman, and I think she is a decent dentist, but the fact that she was unaware of exposing my nerve in 3 places, AND the unavailability of emergency appointments, I moved on. I went to a new dentist who could fit me in the NEXT business day vs. the three week wait my old office offered (and I not only made it known I was in severe pain, I had already been in the office about the tooth 3 times, AND told the employee I was going somewhere else). My new dentist redid the filling, discovered the issue, sent me to the surgeon, and did my crown. To make things complicated, I had already ordered a mouth guard through my old office. Fast forward I went to pick up the guard and she was super sweet and said she hoped they didn't lose me as a patient. I left things open and left. Well, I am having problems with the guard. Back I went today and my dentist was seriously courting me! She spent 20 minutes talking about my daughter (offered to help me get into her daycare!), life, TV, everything you can imagine. Finally we addressed the elephant in the room...I cheated on her w/ another dentist. For once, (I usually run away as quickly as I can from confrontation), told her the truth. I believed she did the best she could, but really the last straw was not being able to get an emergency appointment with the second dentist. I have been going there for 5 years, referred people, and let the appointment desk know I was in pain. 3 weeks was unacceptable to me, as it should be to anyone. She thanked me for my comments, (I SWEAR she was getting teary) and said she felt sick when she went home b/c she knew I was in pain and didn't understand why. Also, she couldn't believe I was having bad luck with the guard and felt horrible about it all (and she was sincere). I admit I am not a great advocate for myself. I am working on that. I know it is time to move on and I shouldn't stay with the old office b/c of guilt, but I feel guilty! This is only one example of my irrational, distorted guilt. Wondering if anyone else is like this and how you get over that lingering feeling that really holds no positive purpose!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Tacori, so the first thing I say when anyone brings up The G Word is "guilt is a useles emotion." Uh huh. I talk a good game. The reality is if I had a dollar for every thing I've done out of guilt in my life I'd be a rich woman -- with a cuter haircut (I'm with my current hair girl because of guilt; after all these years I can't go anywhere else... ). Anyway, I digress (imagine that!). Honey, her office knew you were IN PAIN and offered you an appointment three weeks out?!? No! That's not acceptable no matter how much chit chat she wants to have about last night's mini-series or how much she tells you that Tessa is the cutest thing on the planet (which she is, by the way!). Seriously, in this instance you have to let it go and just be glad you've found a new dentist that worked out for you. You have been loyal to the first dentist for a long time, so you get some sort of good karma points for that, but you have to do what's best for you. If this were T's dentist and she did something like this, you wouldn't hesitate for one second to move on. So, repeat after me: "Guilt is a useless emotion! Guilt is a useless emotion! Guilt is a useless emotion!!!"

 

[kelpie]

I think your honesty will result in her becoming a better dentist since she took your comments to heart. I think you helped her. But by all means you need a dentist who is skilled and willing to see you in an emergency.

 

[Kaleigh]

Tacori,
I know the pain you have had, and it's been a long road. I have been down this road myself. My dentist sat with me when the power went out, as I was having a procedure done.. He's that kind of guy.

I don't think you need to feel any guilt. Look if they can't accomodate you and treat you in an emergency and someone else can?? It's a no brainer...

I think you leaving will, if anything be a strong statement that they need to serve their long term patients better..

Having dealt with so many family members with medical issues, I learned to be an advocate. Speaking up for them, and now am speaking up for myself. I don't apologize for my questions, or my demands for proper care and attention....
You have to be an advocate for yourself.. Plain and simple.



Hope this helps... I know you have been through the ringer with this.. Hugs..

 

[yssie]

I think your honesty will result in her becoming a better dentist since she took your comments to heart. I think you helped her. But by all means you need a dentist who is skilled and willing to see you in an emergency.

Ditto.


And yes, I have guilt, just like that, too

 

[steph72276]

Yes! I have this with my old hairdresser. I went to her for about 2 years but she royally screwed up my hair so I tried someone new and love the new person. I'm still friends with the old person on fb and haven't had the heart to delete her. She asked me a while back why I hadn't been in in awhile, but I wussed out and haven't responded since I didn't know how to tell her I left without hurting her feelings. Ugh, I have no idea why I let these things get to me, but glad to know I'm not alone!

 

[CJ2008]

Tacori,

I hate confrontation too.

And there have been many times in my life when I've done things out of guilt. Although I've gotten a lot better about it in the last 2-3 years.

To be honest, I would feel manipulated if I were you. I wouldn't like that she "used" talking about your daughter and other chit chatting as a way to court you to stay. That would seal my decision of wanting to leave...

But even without that, having to wait 3 weeks for an appointment, or even 3 DAYS, when you're in pain, is unacceptable...

 

[Tuckins1]

Good for you for taking your health into your own hands. I had a similar problems a few years ago with my doctor. I had seen her for years, I really liked her, but her availability was an issue. On more than one occasion, I called in sick and needed to see her right away. I had to wait DAYS to get in to see her, one time it was over a long weekend, and both times I ended up having STREP THROAT!! I was so sick one time that I took myself into urgent care before I was able to get in to my doc. Plus, her nurse was a real bee-yatch and treated people in a very disrespectful manner. I finally just switched docs. I didn't go back and tell her, but my mom has seen her since and told her why I left. My health was more important than her feelings, and it's the same in your case as well. It's nothing personal, just business, ya know?

 

[Gypsy]

I get it. It's hard, but it is through feedback and through winning clients and losing others that businesses learn. It doesn't make it any easier when you just feel GUILTY. ((HUGS)) and you did the right thing, even though it was hard.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks everyone. That is only ONE example that results in my *useless* guilt (you are right Dee*Jay). I am the type of person that feels guilty over even the small stuff. I am trying to overcome my natural instinct...to feel guilty. Glad I am not alone! Someone once told me it is better to feel guilty than resentful b/c guilt is easier to get over...I do agree with that!

 

[jas]

I think you've gotten excellent advice/support/comisseration so far.

We are alike in the guilt department. Only lately have I started to deal with that. I've had situations similar to your dentist saga (and goodness that was an ordeal for you!)...I've started asking myself if I would let anyone treat my kids the way I was being treated and/or what would I say/do for my kids if they were in the same situation. I try to treat myself (guilt-wise) the way I treat my kids**.

In other words, if it were T. with the dental issue, would you feel guilty for switching dentists on her behalf?

We need to advocate for ourselves with the same love as we do for our kids.

I think you handled it appropriately and kindly.

** Within reason of course. I'm an adult. They are not.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Thanks Jas. You know, when I was looking for daycares I impulsively gave one a check and decided to go with a different place. I called to see if they could not cash the check (2 hours after I gave it to them) and felt HORRIBLE! She was really nice about it but my guilt is there even though I know the other daycare is nicer/better staffed/cleaner/etc...I am sick

CJ, I didn't feel manipulated by the dentist. Hmmm...that is an interesting thought. Maybe I am naive, but I do think she felt badly and wanted to smooth things over. Probably for her own ego, but hopefully their policy will change b/c I can't imagine them having much of a practice if this is how they handle emergency appointments. The surgeon gave me his HOME number which I actually did call the day after my root canal. That's service.

 

[Steel]

Sorry for all the crap.

Did she actually do anything apart from emotionally attempt to placate you? She may talk a nice talk but how does she walk?

 

[JulieN]

Yes, you have guilt issues. My dentist would never, ever do that to me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Steal, you mean like giving me my mouth guard for free? No. I guess in theory I am getting two since the first one didn't work for my bite and it is no use to them. I am assuming other dentists would have done the same though? Not sure.

JulieN, I am WELL aware of my guilt issues hence the thread. It is unhealthy and I am working on it.

 

[Steel]

Steal, you mean like giving me my mouth guard for free? No. I guess in theory I am getting two since the first one didn't work for my bite and it is no use to them. I am assuming other dentists would have done the same though? Not sure.

JulieN, I am WELL aware of my guilt issues hence the thread. It is unhealthy and I am working on it.

Yes.

I think that making good on the mouth guard would be great if you had not had other issues. But in light of her negligence I would have been impressed with nothing other than a G.O.G.

 

[Kaleigh]

I hope I didn't make you feel bad... When it comes to dental pain and issues... I have been there and back so wouldn't have guilt going to someone else that really takes good care of me... I am a Dentaphobe.. ( is that a word?? )??? Scared to death of the dentist...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Steal, I have already made the decision to leave. That is not the part I am having issues with. I am a very loyal person so I can't help but feel bad. I know I shouldn't, but that doesn't make the guilt disappear.

Kaleigh, you sound like you have an amazing dentist. You didn't make me feel bad. I am glad you found someone you can trust!

 

[kenny]