Guests that were not invited *VENT*

[that_someone_special]

My future in-laws have taken it upon themselves to invite people to our wedding, behind our backs 3 weeks before the wedding.

They have not wanted anything to do with the wedding. We got engaged March '09 and in Feb '10 they asked Fi if we were engaged yet (seriously). They recently told FI that they can't remember who I am and it's still time to stop the wedding (something about how those scandinavian women "trap" you into marrying them). Fi told them basically that they were crazy and we've been planning this wedding for a while. They asked why it HAD to be in vegas and we should just get married in a city park at home (this was about 2 weeks ago, and the wedding chapel, plane tix and hotel tix have been purchased for months).

We sent out our invites and they have said several times they were coming... and then not coming. And then they were coming.. and not coming. As of sunday, they were NOT coming. As of tonight when FI talked to them... "We invited these "aunts and uncles and family friends". They have invited at least 6 people that were not invited to the wedding! They did ask 2 weeks ago if certain people were invited and we said they were not.. we are having a small wedding (less than 25 people total) and we both had to leave out people on both of our sides. They complained that so and so were not invited. We/ Fi said "tough luck!"

But now??? I am so mad. Not only have these people been rudely invited to a destination wedding behind our backs, even if I WANTED to invite them formally, I couldn't I have not a single invitation left. Are 6 people the end of the world if they show up? Yes and no. Our "venue" only takes 24 people. If there are more, the party will be split up between separate tables- something I am so against- I wanted just one table.

Oh, also, his family said they wanted to throw a grooms dinner that only consisted of his side of the family (think an engagement party with only the grooms side). I told FI that wasn't what a grooms dinner was, and he agreed, so we got all two of my bridesmaids, parents and my brothers "invited". Then they said they didn't want to pay for them, yet it was going to be held in a country club. WTH!! Tacky??

No, they are not hurting for money, but they do treat FI like a second rate citizen compared to his step-siblings.

I am trying to take all of this light heartedly, but I am at the end of my rope. I mean how many more things will go wrong? A ton... I'm sure. How many more things are going to suck? GRR! I feel like MY wedding (or our wedding) is turning into this HUGE eff-up.
I want to elope from this "quick vegas wedding" but a few people would be devastated if we did so I am trying very hard to hold out.

I guess not many people can help me with this, but I wanted to vent

 

[AustenNut]

I have to go to work, but just wanted to send off a quick reply. First of all, your wedding is going to be wonderful, regardless of who is there. You are marrying the man you love, and that alone will put you on cloud 9.

Secondly, how likely is it that these randomly invited 6 guests will actually come? When they don't receive an actual invite, and they haven't actually spoken to you (if they even know you at all), and the wedding is only 3 weeks away? Since it's a destination wedding in less than 3 weeks then it's unlikely these people will want to buy plane tickets, make hotel reservations, etc, all on such short notice.

Sorry the future in-laws are being a pain, but I'm confident that in 3 weeks you'll be writing back telling us how fantastic everything was. Good luck until then!

 

[merbear1215]

To me, that whole situation sounds absolutely ridiculous and frustrating. And, I am really sorry that you are having to deal with it.

I have no realy advice, only a whole lot of sympathy. I don't know if you feel this way, but for me, I have never been angrier, more annyoed, or more stressed than during my months of wedding planning. I am a "doer." I just take care of things, I am pretty alright with making decisions, etc. Also, I will admit I am a control freak. Therefore, when I think of weddings and wedding planning, there is no surprise that it has caused me so much angst. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am trying to plan and organize and yet a lot of it is out of control. RSVP's are the latest thing making me crazy...I really can't move forward until I know who is or is not attending....

Anyway, my point is this. Weddings are really weird, they make people really strange. Every one thinks it is their day, that they should be able to invite whomever they want, that they get a say. And naturally, this causes conflict.

Again, no advice. Just thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

p.s. I once sent my fmil an email putting my foot down....things have been miraculously better since then!

 

[MagsyMay]

I have little advice, but as someone who went through a lot of this (MIL inviting non-invited people who in our case DID show up...) and keeping it inside and allowing it to happen, I suggest NOT doing that! My wedding was only a month ago or so, but I am still really bitter about it and towards my MIL, even though I know it doesn't matter anymore. Sadly, that combined with a lot of her other actions over the course of wedding planning leave me thinking this bitterness is not going to go away entirely, ever. I wish I had just stood up for myself and not let my husband's feelings/MIL's demands and not wanting to upset anyone take precedence over my own feelings.

Now if they're not going to come b/c it is a destination wedding and is late notice, then I might just let it fly, but if there's even an inkling of a chance that they will show up, SPEAK NOW! Good luck and hugs! I am soooo glad that part of the wedding is over and it will be soon for you too. Hang in there!!

 

[Autumnovember]

Wow. I would not stand for that under any circumstance. Inviting guests to your wedding without your knowledge is not only disrespectful but its completely tasteless. I would either tell them myself, or have fiance tell them that there are a strict number of guests you have invited for a reason and that they will need to tell the individuals that they invited that they cannot come. Honestly, this might sound awful but I would tell them not to come either. I'd be THAT pissed and THAT annoyed that they had the audacity to invite people behind my back to my own wedding. They really have some nerve to do something like that.

 

[that_someone_special]

Hi everyone

After posting this I had to just walk away from the thread and everything in it for a day before commenting.. sorry about that!

AustenNut- You are right! I am marrying the guy I love and that is the whole point of this wedding. I don't know why, but I need to keep reminding myself that! I think so far I've done a good job about not being a bridezilla- but this thing with his family is driving me nuts.

You have a good point.. I am not sure if these guests would even go to a wedding that is a few weeks away on such short notice! I know that if I was given an invitation by phone and not even from the people having the event I probably wouldn't go, much less if it was less than a month away and required food/ hotel/ $$ in a pricey city.

merbear- I am also a control freak! I know how it feels with this wedding.. and I SO agree with how weddings make people weird. People have reacted in ways that just amaze me sometimes. I always thought it was weird how some people can loose or sever ties with people after a wedding, but I can completely see it now. People. Get. Weird.

MagsyMay- Honestly it is very hard for me to forgive and forget. I admire people that can do that with ease! So... I guess I could see myself holding this in and becoming bitter too. I think that since it's his family (and who knows!) that there is not a definite yes or no that they will come. I've already told FI that, ok worst case scenario is that they want to come. I would feel even worse trying to "uninvite" them so I think I would allow them to come, but have FI be very clear about how and why they crossed the line.

Autumnovember- Yeah.. personally, I hope his step mom and dad don't come for my own selfish reasons, but hope they come for the sake of FI. I honestly don't care if they show up. After the stuff they have pulled in the last 4 years and how they feel about me and apparently about the wedding.. I don't know why they would even WANT to be there. I only want people at my wedding that believe in us and want us to marry

I agree.. the nerve that they have and almost disrespect they have for me is weird.




Fiance was going to talk to them last night about this but he frankly didn't want to deal with it. I hope he does it this weekend. I feel like I've composed myself a little more since hearing this "news" so I think I will be able to stick up for myself without being too emotional.

Thanks everyone!

 

[rosetta]

Your in laws are a nightmare, you have my sympathies

I would not want such people at our wedding and would tell them not to come. But I'm blunt like that.

 

[Steel]

People can be so self-serving at times .

I hope your FI did sit down and hard ball his parents. I think this really is his matter to resolve and if he does it well then he may well set healthy boundaries for your and your MIL & FIL to happily co-exist! Good luck to him.

 

[that_someone_special]

People can be so self-serving at times .

I hope your FI did sit down and hard ball his parents. I think this really is his matter to resolve and if he does it well then he may well set healthy boundaries for your and your MIL & FIL to happily co-exist! Good luck to him.

I thought I should update. He did sit down with them.. the next day they invited 4 more people but promised they would stop. So, the actual total of people they invited plus them, is 13 people. To a 22-24 person wedding. So far, 2 people will not be going but everyone is is trying to make plans to come.

His parents asked if I would make more invitations to send out this week to those people. I have no extras, so they can't get any.


His best man who we allowed to bring 3 extra people has asked to bring 2 MORE in addition to that.

A family member of mine didn't ask but is bringing 2 extra people.

My brother asked to bring 2 friends (I shot him down though).


My wedding is a joke.

 

[Autumnovember]

People can be so self-serving at times .

I hope your FI did sit down and hard ball his parents. I think this really is his matter to resolve and if he does it well then he may well set healthy boundaries for your and your MIL & FIL to happily co-exist! Good luck to him.

I thought I should update. He did sit down with them.. the next day they invited 4 more people but promised they would stop. So, the actual total of people they invited plus them, is 13 people. To a 22-24 person wedding. So far, 2 people will not be going but everyone is is trying to make plans to come.

His parents asked if I would make more invitations to send out this week to those people. I have no extras, so they can't get any.


His best man who we allowed to bring 3 extra people has asked to bring 2 MORE in addition to that.

A family member of mine didn't ask but is bringing 2 extra people.

My brother asked to bring 2 friends (I shot him down though).


My wedding is a joke.

Your wedding is not a joke. Don't allow these people to walk all over you. Say NO.

 

[diamondbuggy]

People can be so self-serving at times .

I hope your FI did sit down and hard ball his parents. I think this really is his matter to resolve and if he does it well then he may well set healthy boundaries for your and your MIL & FIL to happily co-exist! Good luck to him.

I thought I should update. He did sit down with them.. the next day they invited 4 more people but promised they would stop. So, the actual total of people they invited plus them, is 13 people. To a 22-24 person wedding. So far, 2 people will not be going but everyone is is trying to make plans to come.

His parents asked if I would make more invitations to send out this week to those people. I have no extras, so they can't get any.


His best man who we allowed to bring 3 extra people has asked to bring 2 MORE in addition to that.

A family member of mine didn't ask but is bringing 2 extra people.

My brother asked to bring 2 friends (I shot him down though).


My wedding is a joke.

Your wedding is not a joke. Don't allow these people to walk all over you. Say NO.

Ditto Autumn! I'm so sorry you're going through this but you have to say NO! This is YOUR wedding, don't let these people ruin it for you!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

People can be so self-serving at times .

I hope your FI did sit down and hard ball his parents. I think this really is his matter to resolve and if he does it well then he may well set healthy boundaries for your and your MIL & FIL to happily co-exist! Good luck to him.

I thought I should update. He did sit down with them.. the next day they invited 4 more people but promised they would stop. So, the actual total of people they invited plus them, is 13 people. To a 22-24 person wedding. So far, 2 people will not be going but everyone is is trying to make plans to come.

His parents asked if I would make more invitations to send out this week to those people. I have no extras, so they can't get any.


His best man who we allowed to bring 3 extra people has asked to bring 2 MORE in addition to that.

A family member of mine didn't ask but is bringing 2 extra people.

My brother asked to bring 2 friends (I shot him down though).


My wedding is a joke.

Ok I am so offended for you. This is getting ridiculous and you need to put your foot down. Better yet - I know this is going to be a small wedding, but are you having a bridesmaid or MOH? If so, ask her to give everyone the heads-up on the guest situation. Otherwise, I would contact each person who has requested to bring more people and let them know that your numbers are set. I don't know - considering how small the wedding is, this just seems so disrespectful to me. Unfortunately, I'm a total b!tch, so my way would be to tell everyone they are more than welcome to come to Vegas with whoever and how many people they want - but those people won't be stepping foot in the church/chapel/ceremony site.

Anyway, big hugs. I'm really sorry this is happening so soon before your wedding.

 

[ladyciel]

I have so much sympathy for you right now, Bean. They're bluntly disrespecting you and your FI's wishes to the point that it almost feels malicious. I am going to try to offer a bright side and perhaps a plan regarding the latest "additions" to what used to be your guest list. You said that if your number gets too high, you'll be split into two tables, right? With enough extras, the "split down the middle" could work out quite nicely. What if there were assigned seats for the planned guests at your wedding table, and all the leftover "invited" guests were, tragically, sent off to the only other available table, way on the opposite side of the venue, where the bill for their meals could be delivered separately?? I bet a sympathetic/equally peeved manager could be convinced to arrange such a scenario and take the heat for you...

Another option: I bet there are plenty of large, intimidating, bouncers for hire in Vegas.

 

[sctsbride09]

Oh my. Dear, you need so many hugs right now..**hugs** First of all, what your in-laws are doing is terrible. They have NO RIGHT to take over your guest list! Im a major b****, so I would tell everyone that they are more than welcome to bring their extra guests on "their" Vegas vacation, however our chapel/reception is at max capacity, seeing as we wanted an INTIMATE wedding and all. And I would NOT apologize either. I like lady ciels idea about hiring a bouncer, personally. No matter what you end up doing, please talk to your FI and take back your wedding!! It would be terrible if your memories of this wonderful day were ruined because of your in laws. I really feel for you, I can remember being in a very similar situation with my inlaws and the wedding planning. I fixed their wagon-we eloped. HA! Again, *hugs* to you, it really stinks when people put you in this situation. Hope you and FI can figure something out.

 

[amc80]

You have to put your foot down. Tell your relatives/in laws that the venue is capacity controlled, and if they want to invite other people, it will have to be to a post wedding event or brunch the next day or something. Don't negotiate. Don't cave. If you let your in laws walk all over you now, they surely will know they can for the rest of your marriage.

 

[Anonymous]

Ugh, your wedding is NOT a joke and I am so sorry they're doing this!

It sounds like people are looking for a good reason to go to Vegas. If I were in your situation, I would politely tell them that you sent out the number of invitations that your venues (and your budget) can support.

If they want to come to Vegas, that's great! You can meet up with them for dinner and drinks, a show, whatever they want...as long as they know it will NOT be your wedding or your reception!

 

[sillyberry]

Ouch. Just...ouch.

There is a lot of good advice here - I recommend taking it ASAP. Just because people want to come vacation in Vegas does not mean they get to go to your wedding. Tell them that you are having a small wedding and THAT'S IT. Incredibly hard, but amc is right - you're battling for the soul of your marriage. I am not trying to be melodramatic, but from what you've posted I truly believe that to be the case.

Sheesh. Some people.

 

[iota15]

You know what I find works with people who are obviously not listening to you - just keep repeating the same thing over and over again: The venue is past it's capacity. These people just cannot come to the wedding or they will be standing outside.... The venue is past capacity. These people cannot come to the wedding....

I mean - what do these people think are going to happen. No venue is going to allow your family to jam twice as many people as it's allowed to hold. Should some of the people you invited originally be left to stand outside because some of the late invitees arrived at the venue first? The foot needs to go down on someone's face here... and if you can't control your in-laws, YOUR FIANCE NEEDS TO. This is the time for him to step up. He's probably the only appropriate person to do it anyway and He NEEDS TO DO IT.

Your fiance cannot bury his head in the sand any longer and avoid this situation. He needs to tell HIS BEST MAN as well as HIS parents that this is not going to happen. You are not telling your best friend to stand outside while his uncle, twice-removed, is taking up a seat at your small venue. His best man's friends as well as the parent's additions need to understand - they are NOT coming to the wedding but feel free to meet up with them afterwards. (You need to tell your family member his two extras are not welcome either... "The venue is past it's capacity. They just cannot come to the wedding"...)

I would start making name cards to place at the two reception tables. The originally invited guests should be seated with you. See if the restaurant can place the cards right before you get there - so MIL or FIL can't change them on the spot. If you want, ask MIL or FIL whether they want to be seated with their guests at the guests table or with you.

(I'm SO mad for you).

 

[AustenNut]

Wow, Bean, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It definitely sucks a big one. I would definitely follow some of the advice that's been given here. Your fiance definitely needs to talk to his family. Y'all should tell people that only the individuals invited are allowed to come to the ceremony and reception. Or at worst have a separate table for the uninvited and have the bill sent to the guests at your table who invited them.

It's awful that you have to go through this, but hopefully everything will turn out well in the end.

 

[ksmyheart]

People inviting other people ..seriously its about the two of you not them i dont care if you invited the pope .. if the pope decided to invite everybody and his momma you let them know its nice to want.Tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good, a nicer way of saying it would be letting people know sending out invites was hard there are so many people we love and wanted there, but we had to also think about what we wanted a small intimate wedding.

No matter how much it seems like the day is an "eff up" it isn't you are marrying the person you love and from what i have read him letting his family know its " tough luck" you are also marrying a very loyal man. That day will be so amazing and special and even if it doesnt go as planned and people that were not invited come... after you are announced husband and wife you have accomplished what the whole day was about.